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Slept with someone else straight after break up

(27 Posts)
Reallygoodatbaddecisions Sun 26-Feb-17 03:04:30

First and foremost I know I've been an utter dick, I don't have anybody to talk to about this right now so that's why I'm posting.

Me and ex broke up around 2 weeks ago (although it has been dragging out for about a month) we've still been talking but haven't seen each other. I broke up with him mainly because I felt he wasn't there for me when I really needed him to be and wasn't putting in effort anymore (there is a massive back story and I went through something really awful but I feel like this probably will be long enough as it is) So I dumped him and told him my reasons, I know it's sounds childish and dumb but I was hoping that would make him understand how I was feeling and to tell me he would change but he just said sort of went with it, he said he was sad and we kept talking a little bit as friends, like stupid jokey things and avoiding the real stuff. By the way I know how pathetic that is and instead of dumping him I should actually have explained my feelings and not expected him to be a mind reader and not played dumb games but my head is a bit crazy at the moment.
I know, I know I sound about 15 right now.

Anyway a couple days after my friend told me she had seen him on Tinder, so I messaged him "You're on Tinder already?" He replied he was drunk and sad and downloaded it for about an hour and then deleted it and he doesn't want anybody else.
So because I'm a child I downloaded Tinder, I exchanged a few messages with people but I wasn't really feeling it until I started talking to this guy, we spoke till 4am and every single day since. It was really nice and he kept my mind of everything.
We made plans to meet up and I can't believe I actually went though with it, we met up last last night, had an amazing date and I feel so guilty about this now but we slept together. All throughout last night I didn't feel like it was a rebound thing, I wasn't thinking about my ex, I was just really into this new guy and how great of a person he is, he stayed over and we spent all night hugging and it was just really nice.

But where do I go from here, I am still in love with my ex and I feel like it's unfair to keep speaking with my ex after this, I think maybe he's holding out for me to change my mind. But he's also my best friend and I can't imagine life without him.
But this new guy is absolutely awesome and I don't want to hurt anyone. Things with my ex will never work out after this because even if he told me all the things that I wanted to hear weeks ago I would have to tell him I slept with someone else, I couldn't not and that would be horrific, I can't imagine how devastated he would be.
I know we've only had one date but I think this new guy likes me, this is just all such a fucking mess and I feel like absolute shit.
This isn't really an Aibu it's just need to write this all down, I can't sleep and my mind is racing and I haven't spoken to anybody about this in real life yet

GeezAJammyPeece Sun 26-Feb-17 03:13:55


Pint of water/ mug of tea, 3 Ibuprofen/paracetamol THEN we talk about it in the morning.
Starting this thread at 3am means your also probably drunk!?!?

Normandy Sun 26-Feb-17 03:34:58

I think you need to grow up and be far more mature before getting into an adult relationship.

TheCatsMother99 Sun 26-Feb-17 03:48:40

Totally agree with both the ppl.

AmoIsNoLongerEmo Sun 26-Feb-17 03:58:39

1, you weren't in a relationship. You didn't cheat.
2, If you felt you need to break up with him because he wasn't there for you then it probably wasn't gonna last. Red flags and all that.
3, I'm regularly up until 3am not drunk, people need to chill or she could be in a different time zone.

EmeraldScorn Sun 26-Feb-17 04:15:51

You were single, right? Therefore you didn't actually cheat!

The new guy isn't going to be devastatingly "hurt" if you ditch him after one date, he'll just move on to the next lonely heart on Tinder.

You haven't done anything wrong, you broke up with your boyfriend for your own reasons and then you "hooked up" with some random; It's not the end of the world and you don't need to feel guilty about enjoying yourself.

You do need to decide what you want though; A reconciliation with your ex or a clean slate, only you can make that decision.

Good Luck!

DoctorTwo Sun 26-Feb-17 04:17:42

You're being too hard on yourself. You're single, you can fuck who you like, as long as they are single too. Your ex is an ex and it looks like a great decision to dump him.

Ineke Sun 26-Feb-17 04:23:55

Also up ungodly hours and NOT drunk. If you still want first guy then break off with second guy. If you want to end relationship with first guy, make it very clear to him and don't keep him hoping so no friendly chats for a while.

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 26-Feb-17 04:26:24

So your ex wants you to change your mind without changing his behaviour. Wouldn't you call that a lucky escape? This thing with the new guy may or may not last. But in the meantime you can't keep yourself available for your ex. And how do you know if he hasn't slept with some other else?

OneLumpOrSeven Sun 26-Feb-17 07:55:19

You're single, you can sleep with who you like.

Topaz0117 Sun 26-Feb-17 08:11:46

Sorry OP but it sounds like you want your cake and to eat it.

It seems to me that you don't want be with your ex, you want this new guy BUT you don't want to give your ex up. You can't move on whilst keeping your ex on a string. That's not fair.

Foslady Sun 26-Feb-17 08:14:10

You had rebound sex - don't stress, it's happened, move on (years ago I was told 'never regret anything, in years to come you'll see those were the times when you lived!)

ScarletForYa Sun 26-Feb-17 08:19:23

It's just a one night stand OP. Forget about it. There's no problem.

Box it up, file it and move on.

If you still want to pursue things with your ex you can. (But he sounds a bit lukewarm to be honest.)

ShowMePotatoSalad Sun 26-Feb-17 08:19:50

I don't understand the problem.

You didn't cheat.

You were single and met someone for a date and you had sex.

That isn't immature or wrong. You kept repeating throughout your post that it was childish and like you'd done something wrong. I'm failing to see it.

Anyway, if you like this man then carry on. There isn't an arbitrary time frame for finding someone else. The only advice I would have is to stop feeling bad about it, and stop thinking you're childish.

sproutsmum Sun 26-Feb-17 08:19:52

You've done nothing wrong! He was also on tinder ( probably had a rebound shag too) , don't beat yourself up. His behaviour BEFORE you broke up can't have been that terrific or you'd have still been with him, glad you had a nice time with someone new, sometimes EX,S are Ex for good reason. Oh and single women can enjoy sex and shag who they like without feeling shame , hope you got some sleep.

OneLumpOrSeven Sun 26-Feb-17 08:35:31

What's the back story?

Oysterbabe Sun 26-Feb-17 08:39:03

I wouldn't worry about it. I've partaken in a bit of sorbet sex myself in the past. You haven't done anything wrong.

Glossolalia Sun 26-Feb-17 08:46:38

Hope you are feeling a bit better about it this morning, OP. I always think that problems seem worse in the middle of the night.

Ineke Sun 26-Feb-17 09:23:03

Sorbet sex? Sounds good!

OneLumpOrSeven Sun 26-Feb-17 09:53:30

Sounds messy. grin

OP it doesn't sound like your ex is that great (based on the limited info), he has to change, not just want you back. Maybe it's best if you just stop contact rather than friendly chats, you're exes, not friends.

loaferloveforyou Sun 26-Feb-17 09:55:23

If you are feeling like this then chances are it's too soon to be with someone else. Take your time and mourn the end of your relationship before meeting someone else. You have only been broken up 2 weeks and you are still friendly with him so there's no clear break.

How long were you with your ex?

If you do want to get back with your ex then sit down and talk with him properly how to sort your relationship out but you will both need to be committed. It's not as simple you changing your mind - there needs to be some give from your ex too.

I wouldn't worry about the new guy too. From what I hear from my single friends, these days he probably has another girl or 2 "on the go" and even if he doesn't, you don't owe him anything just because you slept with him.

You are single.

Stop being so hard on yourself. Take some time and work out what you really want and Cut contact with the ex for a week or 2 while you work out what that is.

Purplebluebird Sun 26-Feb-17 09:57:54

You didn't do anything wrong!Stop worrying smile

Oysterbabe Sun 26-Feb-17 09:59:32

Sorbet sex = sex following the end of a relationship to cleanse the palate before the next relationship smile

Olympiathequeen Sun 26-Feb-17 10:08:26

Firstly you dont have to tell your ex anything about last night.

What you have to do is ask yourself if you want to be with your ex and if you think it would really work. Separate the idealised image of your love for him with the reality of life with him.

If you feel your real future lies with the other man then go in that direction.

Hopefully you protected yourself against pregnancy and STIs? If not get tested asap and take the MAP.

If you know in your heart and mind your ex is the one for you, let this other man down lightly, cut all ties, delete all emails, phone numbers, texts, online contacts with him. In other words cover your tracks comprehensively.

Forget all this nonsense of total honesty being essential to a good relationship. You would only hurt him and destroy all chance of the relationship working. It would foster distrust and eat at him. Keep it your secret, bury it deep and fight the urge to confess. Confession may be good for the soul but it isn't for relationships. We all make mistakes so why compound them by dumping it on someone we love?

Mittensonastring Sun 26-Feb-17 10:15:47

Your heads a mess due to your recent break up. Rebound sex happens for some and it's usually not a good idea but it's done. You obviously still have feelings for your ex and your head needs far more sorting.

I had the chance to have an encounter after DH and I seperated, good grief the guy was really nice looking. We met on a night out, he was much younger than me would have been a huge ego boost but I knew my head was a mess so had deliberately stayed off alcohol. If I had been drunk I may have gone there.

You haven't done anything wrong and bear in mind maybe neither of them is a good idea.

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