To think DSS1 would bring a bit of cash with him when we take him places?

[Dotcottondot]

He's 21 now and ever since I've known him he's happily gone out with no money and been quite happy to let people pay for him like a child.

DH used to take him to see bands etc and he'd be backwards and forwards to the bar buying him drinks all night because DSS1 wouldn't take a penny with him.

He took him away to a festival a couple of years back and he said DSS1 was constantly asking for beer money. He said to him "really at your age I would have expected you to bring some money for drinks to be honest" but it just goes over his head.

We took him on holiday earlier this year abroad with the younger kids and we had to pay for his passport as well as everything else. I kept saying to DH before we went "can you make sure he brings some money with him" as even the younger kids were expected to take some of their own spends. Anyway we got there and learnt he'd brought £60 dollars with him, to last A week and out of that he wanted to buy a $100 skateboard so we still ended up having to lend him money!! Apart from that whenever we went out for meals he often asked for the most expensive thing on the menu, the most expensive drinks etc and obviously never put a penny towards anything.

This weekend we're taking him to a firework display at a local country pub and I want to tell DH to remind the lad that he'll need money for drinks.

AIBU?? DH will think so.

[Twogoats]

This won't go well...

[AgentProvocateur]

Is he earning or is he a student?

[Mozfan1]

You said he wanted to buy the skateboard... Why didn't you tell him NO?!

When it comes to bill paying time, ask for his share. When the next incident arises that he hasn't got cash, tell him 'either you pay your way or you can't come with us'

[Dotcottondot]

He doesn't do anything. Won't look for a job, won't go to college and as far as we can tell, won't even sign on. He just sits at home all day playing on his computer, watching net flicks or playing on his skateboard

So yes, you could say he has no money but by constantly subbing him, are we not encourage his lazy attitude? What do we do when the other start work? Tell them they have to pay for their own stuff because they work but DSS doesn't? So basically punish them for working?

[JellyBelli]

I thought he was going to be 8! At 21 he's an adult. But its up to your DH and he doesnt want to deal with it, so dont say anything and try not to seethe.

[x2boys]

hes an adult so yes he should pay mind you my parents didnt really take me anywhere such as holidays and days out etc as an adult.

[Dotcottondot]

Oh and he seems to have money to pay for net flicks, computer games etc

I would have said no but DH said "aww but he really wanted it, he was even stuttering when he asked me".

Honestly the boy is treated like a 10 year old. Only a couple of weeks ago he messaged DH to say he couldn't come that weekend as his mum was taking him clothes shopping. At 21.

[HardcoreLadyType]

My PIL would never take money, and would expect to be paid for if we were going out any where with them. If they were out with MIL's brother, they would also expect him to pay.

I would be utterly embarrassed, but it's just the way it works in their family.

I don't know what to suggest. I think it's fair enough that you subsidise him somewhat, as 21yo rarely have a lot of money, but you would think he would have the good grace to contribute a bit!

Maybe suggest to your DH that he has a word, as if he is like this with others, he could be embarrassing himself.

[LyndaNotLinda]

Yes of course by subbing him, you're enabling him to behave like a child. Why did you buy his passport?

Your DH needs to behave like a parent - he's not doing him any favours

[Dotcottondot]

I don't think it's normal to be taking a 21 year old to firework displays etc but that's a whole other thread. At the moment I'm more irritated by the money and his lack of awareness that he's an adult who should pay his way.

[ImperialBlether]

My children are in their twenties and if they go out with their dad he buys them drinks. They would definitely take money on a holiday, though, and neither of us would let them get away with doing nothing all day. Your DSS is too lazy to even sign on - that is real laziness!

[Mozfan1]

Dot you can't stop dh subbing him, but make sure it doesn't impact your finances (sorry for assumptions, I don't know your financial arrangements)

Your dh needs to be funding his lifestyle so it doesn't impact you negatively. As long as you make your opinion clear (he needs to get a job!!!!!) then that's all you can do

[EssentialHummus]

Yeah, you should have said no to the skateboard.

I struggle with situations like this. I'm 30, and to this day older members of my family won't let me pay for so much as a coffee, despite my asking/offering. But, somehow, I bring money along and am ready to pay and treat others. So in our family it would be very normal for someone else to pay for passports etc, but if I wanted a skateboard (or whatever), I'd at least try to buy it myself.

In your situation, I'd probably suggest that your dad sit him down for a chat, and explain that he's now at an age where - assuming he is earning - he is expected to contribute like, well, an adult. Just like when he goes out with friends he (presumably) pays for pints or coffees.

[MillionToOneChances]

My kids bring their own money for non-essentials. My DS who doesn't get much pocket money insists on paying for things I'd happily pay for (e.g. He's wearing a poppy and won't take the money from me for it). They're also accustomed to making considerate choices from menus to fit within the family budget.

However, as the popular MN saying goes, I don't think you have a DSS problem, you have a DH problem. You and your DH need to agree how money should work with adult children and then be clear and consistent. Don't let him order expensive food if you begrudge him it.

[Dotcottondot]

I didn't agree with the passport buying either, that was all DH. Now only did he have to pay for it he had to actually do all the paperwork and send everything off for him like a child. Even MIL said "why isn't DSS1 sorting his own passport?" To which DH said "well he won't, will he".

[EssentialHummus]

Just read your updates. I think it's for your husband to tell him what's OK / expected of him around the house. He needs to be working, looking for a job or studying.

[Mozfan1]

He should have let him suffer then- why does your dh give a shit if he goes on holiday with you all? I stopped going on holiday with my parents when I was 14

Fwiw, I'm 23, and this man child is giving us youngsters a bad name 😋

[Dotcottondot]

See whenever I bring this up with DH though he goes mad and it causes arguments

[NickyEds]

YANBU, he is an adult. He should be working, looking for a job or be in education. Of course he won't because he has been taught that he can have whatever he wants without having to do any of those things! How do you and his dad get on with his mum? Can you just get together and decide that it stops now? Seriously my 19 year old student nephew always offers to buy a round and buy his own food if we go out as a family, we don't always let him but we do sometimes and the offer is always there.

[Chippednailvarnishing]

You don't have a DSS problem, you have a DH problem.

But you know that.

[Mozfan1]

Oh dot that is so shit of him. I would do what a pp said- outline what's expected of adults in your home, if dss can't follow the rules then somethings got to give

Is his mum on the scene? What does she think? Surely his mum and dad can't afford to find another adult forever

[Mozfan1]

Find not find

[Mozfan1]

Fucking autocorrect!!! FUND

[Dotcottondot]

His mother is just as bad as him, never worked a day in her life and actively encourages him not to bother with work etc until he's "ready".

DH says she's just a bit of a hippy.

I think she's a lazy twat who is encouraging her kids to be the same.

[LeopardPrintSocks1]

I'm 30 and my dad never let's me pay for anything and my stepmum is more generous than him with me and my dc!

However my brother is 25 and very similar to your dss and never offers anything towards a meal or drinks. Tight git.