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To not move on from how DH handled my birthday

(364 Posts)
Desolee Sun 09-Oct-16 13:15:29

On Monday I came back from a ten day work trip - time difference where I had been was plus five hours.

Tuesday was my birthday. In the morning I was up at 6, made DH coffee and DD breakfast before leaving for work by 7, birthday unacknowledged.

That night DH had taken DD to a rehearsal before I got home from work. They should have been home by 9, but DH detoured via the supermarket and they arrived home at 10. He'd previously waited outside DD's rehearsal in the car for 1.5 hrs, 5 mins drive from a supermarket, though I guess he will have been taking work calls for some of this. By 10 my body clock said 3am and I'd fallen asleep, but was fully clothed, not in bed.

DD who is 14 had spent the previous few days trying to organise presents and cake as she thinks birthdays are important. However DH's action on getting home was to send her to bed, unfed. (I hadn't made dinner as birthday person never previously has in our house.) Apparently she was very tearful at this point. He roughly woke me up and told me to go to bed. I was initially confused, asking what about DD, then upset and hurt when he said she'd just gone to bed. He didn't offer me even a cup of tea and when he didn't acknowledge my birthday or, in fact, me at all, I went rather tearfully to sleep in spare room, thinking both of them had ignored it.

Next morning he left for a work trip at around 5am. After speaking to DD who was still upset and hearing from her what happened the night before I sent him short message to say unilaterally cancelling my birthday was hurtful and cruel to both of us. A few hours later got a response to say it was crossed wires and he thought I'd fallen asleep for the night.

He came back on Friday night. No attempt to make anything up or reference to the missed birthday. Yesterday he spent out at his hobby though he did do some lifts for DD. Today we should have been going to visit DS 1.5 hours drive away. DS has decided he needs his car at uni so DH was going to drive it up then both drive back in my car. I said I didn't want to go and could he go with DD and get train back and I'd collect them from local station. I wanted to see DS but couldn't face spending the day with DH. I really don't like driving DS's car so couldn't propose the arrangement in reverse. Anyway in the event he has rung DS to say we now can't be bothered to go and poor DS is coming down on the train to retrieve his car.

DH has apparently told DD I am sulking over my birthday. I don't think I am sulking - I genuinely think I am entitled to feel hurt over this. It isn't specifically about cake, which I very rarely eat, or presents - we're not short of money and within reason I can have whatever I want so would never be waiting for nice make up or boots or a specific book or whatever. I just feel so sad that this is the amount he cares about me and DD's feelings. However am I making too much of it?

For full disclosure I'm in my mid 40s so it wasn't a significant birthday. My parents are away and both of my sisters and two best friends also forgot my birthday so perhaps this is skewing my reaction?

Jizzomelette Sun 09-Oct-16 13:18:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Paulat2112 Sun 09-Oct-16 13:19:48

Sounds like a rubbish week. I am sure I would feel the same, your DH doesn't sound nice at all. Your dd on the other hand sounds lovely.

Sparklesilverglitter Sun 09-Oct-16 13:22:14

You didn't see your son because you was annoyed with DH? I'm sorry but that sounds quite petty your sulky with DH not your son

Lanaorana1 Sun 09-Oct-16 13:23:12

Let me be the first to say Happy Birthday and DH is a curmudgeon. How rude! Insult to injury to tell you you're sulking, too.

Book a bday treat now with DD before you do anything else. A good one. Get DS in as well if he's around.

Your dh cancelled your birthday and just expects you to get over it... Hibvu

bloodyteenagers Sun 09-Oct-16 13:23:36

You sound more pissed off about your birthday than the fact your dd went without food. I would and did rip the tosser to shreds for this.

Choochootrain47 Sun 09-Oct-16 13:23:39

So you wouldn't go and see your son because your sulky with your DH? confused but he's your son

Desolee Sun 09-Oct-16 13:25:08

I am seeing my son in the event as he's coming for his car. I seriously can't face spending time with DH. Wish I had braved driving DS's car up for him but I'm seriously nervous driving it and feeling so low and tearful it's hard to concentrate.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Sun 09-Oct-16 13:25:41

I am shock at you refusing to go and see your son because you were having a petty squabble with your H! WTF has your DS done? That is one hell of a sulk!

It's fine to be a bit pissed off, but even your reason for your DD not eating before her rehearsal as a bit petty.


Desolee Sun 09-Oct-16 13:27:37

And DH was told that not offering DD a meal was totally unacceptable as part of my original message. His attitude is that she is old enough to cater for herself.

Hassled Sun 09-Oct-16 13:28:06

So in effect you've had no birthday whatsoever? No wonder you're hacked off. Is this lack of thought/care an emerging theme with your DH?

Desolee Sun 09-Oct-16 13:29:48

I didn't have a reason for DD not eating before her rehearsal! He was working from home and 100% responsible for catering for her and the timing of this. I was at work 30 miles away and not involved in any domestic arrangements.

Bumplovin Sun 09-Oct-16 13:30:11

Hang on did he be a tit on the day or did you actually not get a card either did he completely ignore it? Yanbu to be upset x

HandyWoman Sun 09-Oct-16 13:32:18

Why are people focusing on the decision to not go and take car to son? It's not the world's worse crime ever.. OP is obviously cut up at DH's behaviour..

Why did he send dd to bed upset and late with no dinner? Knobhead. And he was super thoughtless not to have done supermarket run or wish you a happy birthday or even acknowledge anything?

However it sounds like a ridiculous busy week with rehearsals and back to back work trips.

They key thing is - is this a culmination of general relationship crapness or is it out of character?

Happy birthday OP flowerscake

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 09-Oct-16 13:33:26

Your DH is being a dick. Why? Is this normal?

Your excuse of not liking to drive that car is a ridiculous reason to refuse to see DS. Mind you, it was damn cheeky of DS to expect his parents to deliver the car to him. Cheeky little bugger should have been getting the train to you and driving back from the start. Is there a lot of male entitlement in your house?

Why did DD go to bed hungry? I'd expect a hungry 14 year old to make themselves a sandwich if parents haven't provided dinner.

What are you going to do to sort out this with DH?

HandyWoman Sun 09-Oct-16 13:33:35

Yes she can cater for herself but he sent her to bed

Or did he not send her to bed?

HandyWoman Sun 09-Oct-16 13:34:53

My nearly 14yo. If sent to bed. Would go, y'know, to bed (and be upset).

WinchesterWoman Sun 09-Oct-16 13:35:15

God he is so out of order!!! That is so terrible. I don't know how I would deal with this. Probably a huge shopping and lunch day with my daughter spending masses of money and out for all meals and not bother telling him where you are or inviting him or anything.

Halfapintofshandy Sun 09-Oct-16 13:35:43

You are unreasonable to not see your son because you are pissed off at your husband.

I also think your reaction is a bit over the top. I mean come on, if you have a university aged son, how old are you? Birthdays - while nice to celebrate and an opportunity for people to make a fuss of you - aren't in the scheme of things - actually a massive big deal unless you are 10 years old. It's not worth getting your knickers in a twist about in general terms.

If that kind of thing is important to you, then you need to be very clear about it. As in saying to your DH "what are we doing to celebrate my birthday?" which brings me to this:

However DH's action on getting home was to send her to bed, unfed. (I hadn't made dinner as birthday person never previously has in our house.)

I think it is terrible to send a 14 year old child to bed without being fed. Again this goes back to communication. Does he know that you're position was "I'm not making dinner because it's my birthday"? Or did he get home to be surprised there was no food for your child?

I agree he hasn't showered himself in glory to put it mildly but sound likes a bit of direct communication would have helped here. And the whole thing is a bit of an over-reaction.


bloodyteenagers Sun 09-Oct-16 13:36:07

How can she cater for herself when she was sent to bed?

expatinscotland Sun 09-Oct-16 13:36:48

He doesn't sound very nice.

cheekyfunkymonkey Sun 09-Oct-16 13:37:13

Happy Birthday. He should have acknowledged your birthday but it sounds like you have a full on schedule and were both out all day. 9pm is too late to be eating dinner (let alone expecting someone who has just got in to start cooking for you) so you are being a bit unreasonable. If you want to do something on your birthday next year maybe take a day off work or arrange to go out for a family meal?

WinchesterWoman Sun 09-Oct-16 13:37:21

Go and see your son another time.

I would just stop doing anything for him for ages. Forever, really. It's not just about your birthday. There is so much disrespect there.

VioletRoar Sun 09-Oct-16 13:37:57

There's no two ways about it, he was being a cunt.

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