To wonder if DH's reaction was normal?(168 Posts)
Sigh. Another house issue here, I've posted before about DH being very controlling about what we have in the house furniture-wise, but we had a 'big talk' recently and I told him I needed to feel that I had a say in the decorating, that I had felt disenfranchised in our previous place, that I wanted to be able to choose some things for the house (we just bought...a place we both liked very much with lots of character).
Yesterday I bought some things at an antique shop without asking or telling him what I was intending to do. Not big things (OK here's what they are: a bench, which I wanted to put baskets on, and an old ladder I wanted to put against a wall to hang scarves/jumpers on. Nice things, I feel very defensive about this. It was a good idea. Or so I thought. Lovely things, lovely wood, nice waxy finish and stylish, I thought.) I bought them into the house and was pleased with the effect.
I knew it was a risk, I'd felt guilty even as I paid for them (my own money which I earned) but when I told H I'd bought a bench he was furious and shouted at me. Before he'd seen it. He said I'd obviously been ripped off and bought some old junk, that he hated benches, that I should have told him I was buying something and showed him a picture, that he'd never buy anything without asking me . So, a totally bad reaction.
He's since seen the bench (it's a really nice bench) and realised it looked good but rather than being contrite he just said it wasn't French (the antique place said it was) but English. He's lying. There is absolutely no way he could know this. I really felt such hatred for him when he said that. Totally undermined. I haven't told him about the ladder.
I have (predictably) gone ballistic about this. His reaction was over the top. But am now wondering if perhaps he had a point and I should have at least told him I was buying it? What do other people do? Is it normal to have to ask permission?
Well I'd have given my DH a call to tell him (not ask) that I was buying them, particularly if I knew it might annoy him. You shouldn't have to though if it's your house too.
It's not just about a bench and a ladder though, is it? I'm betting it wouldn't matter what it was you brought home, if you haven't asked "his permission" first he's going to go apeshit.
Wow, he is very controlling. It's furniture ffs. I usually run big purchases by my DH but I'd probably buy the items you have without saying anything.
I think you have big problems in your marriage to be honest. This isn't normal. I'm glad you argued back. Does his control extend to other areas of your life?
It's the shouting that gets me. Shouting at someone you love because of a bench. Is it worth it?
Thanks champagne that sounds normal. I thought I should have asked but I had a feeling he'd say no, or at least take any chance to kill my enthusiasm, so perhaps that's why I didn't. In any case he'd said I could choose whatever I wanted (it was sort of a condition to me agreeing to buy) so I now know he didn't mean it. Question is, what do I do now? Been thinking about it all night, no sleep.
It's sort of minor, but also sort of major!.
Thanks all. I appreciate others seeing the abnormality of this ridiculous situation.
If you were us, what advice would you give?
Why does it matter if it is French or not?
Why does he not want you to have a say in your own house?
Does he ask your permission for everything else in the house?
YANBU. I'm going through something similar with DH. He was adamant that he would choose paint colour for new house because I have 'no taste' and because he knows the latest trend is grey due to all the showhomes he's seen having grey walls. He really thought he could go and buy oaint without my input!
I've told him I would like I'm in jail if walls are painted grey. Have had to re-iterate but have now compromised on white with a tinge of light grey.
Does he buy things without checking with you first? We've agreed to check with eachother before buying furniture.
Although, since you had little input in your previous house, I would be tempted to tell him that it's your turn to make a few unilateral furniture choices.
I don't consider your DH;s reaction to be proportionate or appropriate - he seems very territorial, which would worry me on many levels. He also seems petty (bench isn't French being an example). Plainly you know him better than anyone here, but from what you have described, I would not be happy.
Bench sounds lovely .
But I think you have some wider issues that need dealing with, in your marriage.
I think he totally overrated but I've got to admit I would have called DH, not to ask his permission, but to be like, "I've seen this bench and ladder really want to buy them for the house, what do you think?"
Haha tofutti, I too have been told I lack taste and it hurts a bit! So I keep wondering if my bench is perhaps not as nice as I think it is, I feel very defensive about this! Compromise on white walls is perhaps your best way forward but it's the underlying 'lack of taste' issues which bother me.
He needs to understand that it is your house too.
It is always hard with decorating and choosing things for the home, tastes aren't the same, and compromises will sometimes need to happen.
But there is no compromise here, it sounds like it is his way or no way.
You're a grown woman and you shouldn't have to ask permission to spend your money. Yes normally, most would have a discussion with their partner about decorating the home, but it doesn't sound like you could even have that.
He shares the house with you, if he wants complete control on decorating and furniture, he needs to live on his own.
Also he shares his life with you, he does not own you.
Tell him to be careful of criticizing your taste and choices, as he was one of them.
I think the problem is that you were already worried about his reaction, which suggests you are living on eggshells. It was your money and you had already discussed needing some say and choice in things, so you should have been excited about your purchases.
Telling him should then have been in the context of a quick 'hey, look what I found!' text. Not asking for permission.
I think you did great in standing up for what you wanted. In terms of what you should do, if you want to stay in the marriage, just keep asserting yourself. Tell him to stop undermining you (you have not been mis-sold) and to let you enjoy your purchases. And then enjoy them. You cannot change his behaviour; but you can change your response to it.
Territorial is a good way to describe it. And I've specifically discussed it with him before but he obviously doesn't get it.
If I had asked him before buying...or told him, even...I think the reaction would have been worse!
e1y1s response is excellent - definitely say that
Benches aside, it's not normal to live like this and it sounds fucking miserable
I think saying "I've seen that's what do you think" is only ok if he also does that!
Is there an underlying thing - was his childhood home horrible / a show home? Is he trying to keep up with the Jonses?
His reaction sounds extreme.
x-post! Don't let him make you doubt yourself and your tastes!
If he has previously agreed that you could choose what you want because you agreed to buy the house, but is now saying you should have called him, then he is reneging on his promise. That is not minor.
If your DH is anything like mine, you need to stay firm, repeat in a calm voice (don't give him the satisfaction of shouting) that it's your house too and you are entitled to choose items that please you.
Is he as rigid in other aspects?
I'm not a fan of white walls, so will go for a creamy/light grey colour. I have vetoed the black front door. We're not living in Downing St
Haha. I might try that! But I think that he thinks I'm lucky to have him to guide me though life, what with my bad taste and all seriously I'm wondering what to do, I'd love to stomp out but I really like the new place. I'm going to stick to my belief and try to be more assertive. Bench stays. But it's feeling like a battle. No fun.
He sounds horrible.
I do think larger items should be jointly discussed, not the cost necessarily but I'd imagine a bench takes up a bit of space. However is reaction was way OTT. Does he normally talk to you with such aggression?
This is one of the nice things about being single- I recently purchased a beautiful church pew for my dining room . My exh would have hated it, he'd also have hated the purple sofa and birdy wallpaper!
He sounds like a bastard.
Generally speaking I would say to DP if I wanted to buy something furniture wise. However, I have just bought stuff before because we have similar taste. He would never, ever react like your DH. At the end of the day it was your money too!
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