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WIBU to retract my RSVP?

(129 Posts)
Hagrid3112 Mon 16-May-16 17:14:51

One of my friends since high school is getting married in our hometown in a couple of months. We got the invitation through for the ceremony, then reception drinks and canapés. I figured this was all they were doing as I've never known people to only be invited to the ceremony, and excitedly accepted.

I live a 6hr drive away, so have to take 3 holiday days to attend, pay for boarding for all our pets, as well as 2 nights accommodation (we can't stay with family), then there's food, outfits, wedding gift etc, but more than happy to do that for a friend - admittedly not as close as we used to be since I moved away, but I always make arrangements to see everyone when I do get to go home, and we had everyone and partners all day to our wedding.

I've since found out that there is more to the wedding, but we aren't invited. Not a problem; we got married last year so understand about budgets etc.

The problem is, that there are only 2 other members of our group not going to the meal/evening do/whatever it is, and my family have various plans, leaving DH and me with nothing to do, bar a standard meal out by ourselves.

I don't particularly want to miss the wedding, and would definitely go if I still lived locally, but I also don't want to use 3 holiday days to spend most of our first anniversary in the car to go to a 1hr ceremony.

WIBU to take our acceptance back?

CaptainCrunch Mon 16-May-16 17:18:27

I think I would. It's a bit thoughtless of them expecting you to go to all that effort and expense for a half arsed invite.

Save your money and annual leave for a proper holiday.

Lemonblast Mon 16-May-16 17:20:29

Not unreasonable in the circumstances at all. Hate 'evening only' second class citizen weddings. People should learn to budget accordingly.

TheWitTank Mon 16-May-16 17:21:21

Yanbu, I would retract the rsvp too. Only two sets of partners not invited? That's a bit odd.

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay Mon 16-May-16 17:23:50

A 6 hour trek and your not invited to the whole thing? hmm ridiculous. Don't go

OurBlanche Mon 16-May-16 17:27:24

Just write to her, apologise profusely and explain that, when you went to book time off, hotel rooms etc etc, you realised that you simply could not afford to attend.

Apologise again, wish her a beautiful day, send her a lovely pressie... and then move on.

GoringBit Mon 16-May-16 17:27:41

An evening only invitation when you've got a six-hour round trip. Bugger that, I'd retract. YANBU.

BackforGood Mon 16-May-16 17:30:01

YABU to change your mind because of your perception that you aren't in the right 'bracket' of guests. If you were happy to make the arrangements when you thought that was all that was happening, then it should make no difference what other people are doing.
It is perfectly valid to have turned down the invitation in the first place, what with you living so far away and the fact you can't stay with family but that's not the reason, is it?
Seems very churlish to turn it down because you feel you ought to rank higher.

lastqueenofscotland Mon 16-May-16 17:31:27

Yanbu I don't mind "evening only" or whatever per say,. I've been to two that were like that in both cases the actual ceremony was just the couple and their parents/children/siblings.

Hagrid3112 Mon 16-May-16 17:33:17

I feel a bit better now. Thanks!

So, next question: how do I phrase it?

I'm worried if I just say it how it is then it's going to seem like I'm being petty.

I'm a chronic over-thinker and worry far too much, so feel free to tell me to woman up!

HopefulHamster Mon 16-May-16 17:34:02

But op has been invited to day and not evening, hasn't she, ie the other way around to normal?

Hagrid3112 Mon 16-May-16 17:37:45

BackForGood - I'm not changing my mind because we aren't invited. I've already said I understand about budgets and inviting who you want. It's just that with nearly all my other friends busy that evening, we will have nothing to do, and it's a long journey and a lot of money for probably under an hour of wedding and not a lot else. Especially on our anniversary.

OurBlanche Mon 16-May-16 17:38:41

Dear Bride-to-be,

I am very sorry but I have made a mistake. I excitedly accepted your wedding invitation without even thinking about the logistics of the day. I am now mortified to have to apologise and tell you that now I have looked at it properly we simply cannot afford to come up.

I hope you have a lovely day, I am so very sorry that we cannot make it.

Yours, Hagrid the Horrible

Hagrid3112 Mon 16-May-16 17:40:14

Yes, Hopeful, just the ceremony. I wouldn't question going down for the evening do only, but 12 hours travelling and a few hundred quid for 30-45 mins in the middle of the afternoon.
We could have a nice (delayed honeymoon) weekend away for that

SouthWesterlyWinds Mon 16-May-16 17:40:38

OP has been invited to ceremony and then evening, not ceremony, breakfast plus evening if I understand correctly.

Hagrid3112 Mon 16-May-16 17:42:30

Hey!! I'm not horrible, ha ha!

I'm not keen on mentioning it being about money, as we will probably still go away. It's more about the rest of the weekend being a bit of a waste

BaronessEllaSaturday Mon 16-May-16 17:43:18

Op have you confirmed with the couple exactly what you have been invited to because the reception to me is the meal.

Aeroflotgirl Mon 16-May-16 17:45:27

Don't go, tell them that yiu are very sorry that you will not be able to make their wedding, leave it at that!

Hagrid3112 Mon 16-May-16 17:45:52

I haven't been invited to the reception. Just the ceremony and a reception drink - still in the church, so not somewhere we could have more than a glass of whatever they serve

sepa Mon 16-May-16 17:47:35

That's a bit odd. I wonder why it's that way round?
Just explain that you can't afford it and apologise. They will easily fill a place in the actual ceremony so I wouldn't worry too much

Lunar1 Mon 16-May-16 17:48:57

I'd just double check the details. It sounds very badly worded.

Loubylouchirino Mon 16-May-16 17:49:05

Could you tell her that you are unable to get the necessary time off work?

I know everyone has budgets, etc, but I've never heard of someone just being invited to the ceremony & for canapés. What would after that? You'd have to leave while the rest of the guests go through for the wedding breakfast? Usually it's either all of it, or just the evening.

I wouldn't go though.

TendonQueen Mon 16-May-16 17:49:30

Send OurBlanche's apology and plan a proper anniversary weekend away. Then think no more of it.

expatinscotland Mon 16-May-16 17:50:51

Just message her, 'So very sorry, but due to unforeseen circumstances we're not going to be able to make it to the wedding and unfortunately have to pull out.'

I wouldn't go. Spend your money on yourselves.

MargaretCavendish Mon 16-May-16 17:51:30

You say you'll need three days off - do you work weekends or is this a mid-week wedding? Obviously makes no difference to whether or not you go (you shouldn't!), but inviting people just for the ceremony and a quick drink is a shockingly unreasonable thing to do if you're getting married on a weekday!

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