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AIBU?

To wonder how close a mother and son can be?

162 replies

Twasthecatthatdidit · 05/04/2016 11:20

Ok, this has been done sooooo many times before.... But have just found out I'm having a second boy. Not planning a third and certainly not for the sake of trying for a girl so that's that, no daughters. And I can't help feeling a bit gutted, which I wasn't expecting. Now I do look at his perfect little scan picture and feel a bit better. But feeling sad I'll never have that mother daughter relationship. My brother does live near to mum and sees her a lot, but wouldn't have the same relationship as she has with her daughters. And my Dh is v good at keep at keeping in contact with people but would hero worship and be much closer to his dad - doesn't really see his mother's point of view (although he would deny this). So I'm not ruing an opportunity to buy dresses ( I'm not a girly girl) but more than close adult relationship. Do sons ever really "get" their mothers? Will there ever be lunches and spas?!

OP posts:

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Jojoriley · 05/04/2016 11:24

you might have two delightful DiL or gay SiLs? As well as two lovely boys who will always love their Mummy.

Bejeena · 05/04/2016 11:25

I am expecting my second boy. To be honest we are chuffed to bits as I think for them as brothers it will be better and I probably always wanted 2 of the same. But since having my eldest I know and understand a lot more about what my mother went through to have me and to think that I will never have a daughter to share it with saddens me a little. However I am sure once the baby is here and I am cuddling him I will have forgotten all about it.

Congratulations I think boys are best

corythatwas · 05/04/2016 11:26

I think it would be rather unfair to expect that any daughter would have a special "daughter and mother" relationship with you or understand you in a special way just because she happens to have a vagina. (can you tell I am the only girl in a family of boys?) I love my mother very dearly- as do all my brothers- but I am the one living furthest from her, and frankly when it comes to making any sense of how she feels or reacts I am probably the bottom of the pile. I have always felt the expectations and wanted to live up to them (she is very, very loveable), but when it comes to natural, instinctive being on the same wavelength my youngest brother is definitely the one. And I wouldn't be seen dead in a spa.

My eldest brother is the one who takes her out for lunch.

RebootYourEngine · 05/04/2016 11:27

I am female and dont do lunches and spas with my mum.

I think no matter what gender your child is you do what you can to be close to them.

ShowOfHands · 05/04/2016 11:29

Lunches? Yes. Most people like to eat. Spas? Who knows. Some people despise them. They're an interest peculiar to a person, not a totem of idealised relationships.

I don't get on with my ma that well. I am v close to my father. My DH is v good friends with his Mum.

There are as many familial relationship set ups as there are families.

Luckily, you only have to parent your children and that will be a joy regardless of what's between their legs. You'll have your own unique and fabulous bond. Cherish that.

Please don't worry. I have a girl. There will be no spa days here. Neither dd nor I would bother with them.

BillSykesDog · 05/04/2016 11:29

Oh jojoriley so the only hope a mother of sons has is that somehow women will marry into the family? How ridiculous and narrow minded.

My MIL had four boys and was incredibly close to them because she was a lovely person and a good mother.

I can just imagine the responses if a man on here said he was disappointed in his daughters and hoped they might marry some nice men or find lesbian partners with lovely brothers. Sheesh.

SaucyJack · 05/04/2016 11:32

Lots and lots and lots of mothers and daughters don't have that "lunches and spas" kind of relationship either. I can't really think of anyone I know who thinks of their mum as a mate, rather than a mum.

That said, I'm sorry you're disappointed. But same-sex sibs are awesome- and much easier to co-ordinate sharing clothes/bedrooms for you.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 05/04/2016 11:34

My brother is closer to my mum than I am, I'm closer to my dad than my brother is. It's all about personalities. Dad and I are very similar, same for Mum and DB.

DS is closer to me than his dad, but that's 'cause his dad's an emotionally abusive egotistical sociopath.

sugartees · 05/04/2016 11:40

There's no reason why your boys can't do lunches and spas, if that's your thing.

I was going to football matches with my Dad at the age of 5. I'm female.

I have one of each and DP and I joke that now we have DS it's like I have got one of my own - he's all for me whereas his sister is definitely Daddy's girl.

abisothergran · 05/04/2016 11:42

Its not about gender it's about personality and every person and each family relationship is unique.Enjoy your sons .

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 05/04/2016 11:42

I think it depends on the relationship you have with your child rather than the gender. I am close with my mum, but so is my younger DB. And me and my mum would rather stick nails in our eyes than spend a day in spa

I hope me and my DS remain close emotionally when he's grown, but I would never want him to feel obligated to stay physically close by me (which to some extent I do feel with my DM).

VoldysGoneMouldy · 05/04/2016 11:42

Bread rolls not gender roles. You'll be as close as you can be as individual people.

KathyBeale · 05/04/2016 11:44

My mum is close to my brother, but he doesn't have the same friendship that I have with her so I completely understand.

I also only have boys. I'm not a very girly girl (I like lunch - hate spas!) but I still feel sad not to have a daughter. I like women and I've always felt that men don't like me (a few exceptions such as my husband obviously) or don't 'get' me and I worry that when my boys grow up they won't like me either.

I was desperate for another baby - boy or girl - and it didn't happen and I think I'll always feel sad that I didn't have a third. Strangely, when were TTC for the third time, I only ever imagined another boy, I never even considered having a girl.

That's a bit rambling, but I wanted to say congratulations on your pregnancy and don't feel bad. You'll love your baby boy to bits when he arrives. And my two are really great friends which is lovely to see.

MissBattleaxe · 05/04/2016 11:45

I felt similar OP and had the same worry, but now I have two boys I genuinely think I have the best two children in the whole world and wouldn't change them for all the tea in China. I don't think closeness is related to the sex of your child. It can vary so wildly.

Tommy · 05/04/2016 11:46

This is a reason why it's better not to find out the gender of the baby before it's born! I was disappointed when DS3 was born....... for about 2 seconds and I've honestly never thought again about not having a daughter. I go out for lunches and coffees with my boys (one at a time and together). One of them likes shopping, we go to the theatre and bowling and all that sort of stuff. If I want to do "girly" things - I do them with my girlfriends. Please don't spend your pregnancy regretting things - it's a time to look forward!

Scattymere · 05/04/2016 11:47

I have a 2 year old DS and we have an insanely close, special bond, far more so than he has with his dad, who he also adores. My brother is also a complete mummies boy (now 35) and my dad and his mum also adored each other and were very close, far more than his mum was with his sister. Girls are so often closer to their fathers so if this is your main concern drop it now!! You'll have your 2 boys doting on you when they are young and once grown up men, looking after you. Its gorgeous.

underrugsswept · 05/04/2016 11:48

I have one DS and actually feel secretly a bit sorry for anyone who doesn't . At the moment he's my little shadow and we completely adore each other. I'm sure our relationship will alter as the years go by but I'm hoping he'll stay a Mummy's boy like DH is.

WorraLiberty · 05/04/2016 11:49

I think you're dreaming up an ideal little world really.

Have you seen the amount of posts on here from women who can't stand their Mothers?

ImperialBlether · 05/04/2016 11:50

I think boys are more like girls now, if that makes sense. All the things that women wanted in a daughter - emotional intelligence, someone to chat to etc aren't confined to girls now. I can have just as good conversations with my son as with my daughter and he's just as happy to contact me and talk about things as she is.

Thefitfatty · 05/04/2016 11:51

Jeez, and here I was dreading having a girl because I was worried about a fraught mother-daughter relationship like the one I have with my mother! I am definitely closer to my father, and my DB is closer to my mother. Right now I would say DS and DD love me equally, but they are only 4 & 2 so hard to say what will happen. My DD is a lot like me so we may always be too similar to really get along all that well.

LifeCrossRoad · 05/04/2016 11:51

Spa day with my mum, my idea of hell. My mum didn't like me, but loved my brothers. They have a far closer relationship with her than I do.

insan1tyscartching · 05/04/2016 11:54

I have adult sons and an adult daughter, the one I'm closest to is my second son,we a talk the most ,enjoy each other's company, happily spend time together eating out going to the cinema or the theatre or just chilling out at his house or mine.
I do the same with my daughter and other son as well but there isn't the closeness I don't think. I've no idea why I feel closer to him as he was a bit of a pest when he was younger but he has become a thoroughly nice and decent man.

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cozietoesie · 05/04/2016 11:55

You might find it interesting to read some of the posts on this thread, OP.

LizzieMacQueen · 05/04/2016 11:55

If you have 2 DC, I think the 2 boys combination is actually the best one for the children's sake.

Two boys can share a closeness that they may not otherwise get with their male friends.

I don't know if that makes sense.

startrek90 · 05/04/2016 11:55

I just found out today that we are going to have another boy. We are thrilled. Though I understand why you might be worried about lacking that understanding or 'bond'. MiL get slated so much on here it's easy to think that you will never have that adult relationship or be allowed to be as close to your GC. Thankfully I have seen how close dh is with his mum even now and how close she is to my son. Don't worry. You already said how much you love him so this is probably a little wistfulness at to road not travelled.

When he is here you will have all the joy of boys and not to mention the convenience of having two the same.

Congratulations! I hope everything goes well for you and both of you have a smooth pregnancy and birth.

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