To be furious with my oh?

(138 Posts)
CauliflowerBalti Mon 07-Mar-16 13:23:46

He's a very clever man. A quality I really admire.

However.

Sometimes we will be having a conversation, or I will ask him a question, and I will know that he's talking bollocks. I'll say that I don't think that's right - or indeed, that I know it isn't right - and he will get very defensive: 'Trust me Cauliflower, I know what I'm talking about, I'm right on this.'

In those instances, there's no point in continuing the discussion when we are both putting forward opinion as fact without any means of verifying, so I inevitably just change the subject.

Yesterday he told me something that I knew was wrong, and that if he carried on believing would result in him breaking the law. I told him at the time he was wrong and he did his usual 'I KNOW this, I'm right thing' so I just shut up. I googled it when he got home though to check and told him - not to score points, but to avoid him breaking the law.

He went mental at me. I'm always doing this, always undermining him intellectually and doubting the things that he tells me. Why can't I just listen to him and accept that he knows?

Um. Because I'm not a good little woman who automatically believes everything that her man tells her in wide-eyed wonder. Because he's not God - he doesn't know everything about everything.

He says it is damaging to his self-esteem and that I am always doing it. I say I will check things if I think they are wrong and they matter - like inadvertently breaking the law - or if he's gone so OTT in his 'Just listen to me Cauliflower I know what I'm talking about I am right and you are wrong and I can't believe you are questioning me' schtick that it does become about childish point scoring and I will seek the evidence I need to wipe the smug expression off his face.

Yes. I know. That is childish. But he drives me fucking potty.

So. AIBU to be sitting here wondering why I'm with someone who has such a deep-seated desire to be right that he can't stand being questioned? Or is it my problem, because I need to be right too? (No. It isn't that I have to be right. I only get cross when he tells me I am WRONG and I know I am not.)

YeahNotTooBad Mon 07-Mar-16 13:25:59

arrogant cock. my ex once didn't speak to me for three days because i told him he was mispronouncing a word.

He reminds me of someone I knew. Clever bloke but intellectually arrogant, thought he was just a bit cleverer than everyone else. It made him a bit of a pain in the arse to be around at times. People found him difficult to get on with as they didn't feel he saw them as an equal.

I wouldn't say with someone who sees themself as superior to me in any way, including intellectually.

stay not say

scandichick Mon 07-Mar-16 13:30:59

I would wonder the same... is he patronising in other contexts? If it were me I'd confront him with the evidence to the contrary everytime he rolled out the 'Just listen to me' spiel.

ShamefulPlaceMarker Mon 07-Mar-16 13:35:20

My dh does this, although not as much as your I don't think.
It drives me mad, and I do just have to drop it, as he has accused me if being antagonistic in the past. But I was only trying to defend my opinion!

CauliflowerBalti Mon 07-Mar-16 13:39:30

He doesn't listen to evidence to the contrary. He just talks louder and more agitatedly over me.

Half of my problem is I only ever remember the important bits of anything I read. He once told me I should drink more water, tea doesn't count. I told him it does, actually. He went on about caffeine being a diuretic and you wee more than you take in. I couldn't remember anything other than that drinking tea is more or less the same as drinking water, in pure hydration terms, and that he was wrong. He carried on. I had to google to find the BMA study that proved it - and again, then I'm undermining him, why can't I just take what he says as fact?

ARGH BECAUSE IT ISN'T.

He isn't patronising in other regards. But intellectually - he does like to be right. Which would be fine if he didn't sulk this when he's wrong.

stumblymonkey Mon 07-Mar-16 13:42:38

Do you point out every single time he's wrong about something he says or only when it's important? Do you ever let it pass by?

I just wonder if there is a bit of 'six of one and half a dozen of the other here'.

You point it out every time he says something that isn't correct which would be infuriating.

He responds to that by being patronising which is also infuriating.

skirobinson Mon 07-Mar-16 13:50:35

A lot of men do this, I've observed it and experienced it many times (DH thankfully doesn't). They assume they are always right and don't even consider the suggestion from a woman which might show they were wrong. These days I can't be bothered to argue with them, I just sit back and know that karma gets them in the end. I've seen men have to pay fines or get in a legal mess which they could have avoided if they were just a bit more humble about their superior opinion or knowledge and less dismissive of the women around them grin.

CauliflowerBalti Mon 07-Mar-16 13:51:10

No, I don't point it out every time. I will only correct him (as in check using Google) if it really matters, or if we are having a debate/discussion and he tries to close me down with a variant on 'Trust me I KNOW this, listen to me, I am right' and I know he is wrong.

It's not like he's wrong all the time either. He genuinely is a clever man. I have pointed this out to him - think of all the things I don't disagree with/go away and check.

We've been talking about the EU a fair bit lately, because of the referendum. He is in the In camp, for reasons of opinion, not fact. I am completely undecided. I can tell it is frustrating him that I am not an automatic 'In' voter because he is, and because he's told me why. I guess I don't take much at face value and like to make my own mind up on things. It isn't that I don't trust him, I just don't like being told what to think.

Optimist1 Mon 07-Mar-16 13:51:32

All I can say is keep on challenging him, OP. Someone in our family who I don't see very often, thankfully comes out with astonishing claptrap (although TBH he's not particularly clever, unlike your OH) and the fact that his wife doesn't challenge him is more annoying that his nonsense. Choosing the issues that you pick him up on is probably a wise choice, though.

Istandinpause Mon 07-Mar-16 13:51:47

Why can't you accept that he's right? Because, as you've demonstrated in several instances, he's not aways. Surely what you are reacting to is his insistence that his mind must always trump yours, even when he's wrong, that his word must never be questioned. It's not so much about each individual point of discussion; it's about the fact that he's unwilling to engage in debate or consider another opinion. Ultimately, that implies he has no respect for what you're saying, except when it chimes with his own opinions and beliefs. That can't be a healthy basis for a partnership.

CauliflowerBalti Mon 07-Mar-16 13:53:41

Yeahtoobad - he mispronounces the name of an author we both like and I haven't corrected him once.

I am a fucking saint.

murmuration Mon 07-Mar-16 13:54:55

Are you ever wrong? Do you go back and tell him so? If you are and don't, perhaps you could to develop some balance in the relationship.

If he just gets mad because you actually know things that he doesn't, and he is wrong, well, it is not your problem that his facts were wrong. Clearly you can't just believe him when he's not right!

Honestly, he's doing to you exactly what he's saying you're doing, except he's refusing to believe actual truth when presented by you.

I'm afraid I don't know much of a way forward with this. My DH hates to be wrong, and usually gets mad when he is, but at least he acknowledges that he was wrong in the first place and doesn't think the world should just shift its facts to suit him.

CauliflowerBalti Mon 07-Mar-16 13:55:32

Istandinpause - that is exactly it. You have articulated it perfectly. Thank you.

MrsHathaway Mon 07-Mar-16 13:55:49

When my DH says "trust me" what he means is "I want this to be true, stop challenging me".

We're comfortable enough with each other that I can say "Rut ro, when you say trust me I know things are about to go pear-shaped" and we'll Google it together.

How does he react when he can prove you're wrong? and how do you respond? Ask him for examples too.

I once had a row with a friend when we were interrailing because she was sure it was this way along a road from the bus stop back to the hostel and I was equally sure it was that way. She accused me of "always having to be right" which is tbh fucking rude because it makes it impossible for the other person to respond. In the end I said something along the lines of "fine, but I'm going this way" and of course I was right all along. I didn't fancy walking along the equivalent of an A-road in a foreign country after dark, for an indeterminate distance until she got over herself.

I'd advise saying "OK, whatever" when it doesn't matter, and agreeing that you'll only challenge him when it does matter. That's placatory, yes, but also a compromise.

Of course, what's damaging to his self-esteem is his reaction to being wrong. Most healthy people are able to say "Huh, fancy that" and move on. Is he a perfectionist generally?

BoomBoomsCousin Mon 07-Mar-16 13:56:41

I once had a boyfriend who was like that. He basically said the same thing - why can't I just accept that he is right. So I told him the day he was right I'd accept it, it was entirely up to him. We're not still together.

Seriously, it's possible your manner of addressing the disagreement is less than ideal (I'm pretty arrogant when I do things like that). But at the same time, his own attitude to a factual disagreement is really arrogant too and you shouldn't have to just accept that. What does he think to the idea that he should just believe you (without evidence) the way he seems to think you should just believe him?

CauliflowerBalti Mon 07-Mar-16 13:59:09

murmuration - I am not wrong as often as he is, because I will rarely put something forward as fact if I don't know it to be true. I'm not all that confident, Ih have to be sure of something before I say it. But when I am wrong, I will admit it.

Last night, even when I told him I had looked online and checked, he didn't believe me. I had to find 3 or 4 sites to say the same thing before he begrudgingly admitted that things have changed in the last year. Even in the face of evidence, he couldn't be wrong.

The thing is, no-one likes being wrong, do they? But we don't all get cross and shouty about it.

Sometimes we argue and I feel like a turd because I know I have done wrong. This time, not so. I don't feel like I need to apologise to him even though he is upset with me.

BertrandRussell Mon 07-Mar-16 13:59:26

In what way is he clever?

Fugghetaboutit Mon 07-Mar-16 14:00:27

He sounds like my brother. It's yawnsome. I avoid any debates with him tbh

CauliflowerBalti Mon 07-Mar-16 14:03:43

MrsHathaway - yes he is a perfectionist. And your compromise sounds reasonable.

How do I react when he proves I am wrong? I say 'sorry, yes, you're right'. But he still gets the huff then. Because if a conversation goes:

Me: says something wrong
He: says something right
Me: disagrees with him
He: articulates his point differently and I realise I am wrong
Me: apologises

It is still a case of me disagreeing with him and not believing that he is right.

Do you see?

CauliflowerBalti Mon 07-Mar-16 14:07:30

BertrandRussell - he is very clever intellectually and also very worldly aware. One of those people who soaks up knowledge like a sponge and is always up to date with the news and current affairs. Can offer reasoned opinions on the political situation in countries I've never heard of. He's definitely got a broader knowledge base than me.

He doesn't ram it down people's throats. I don't mean to portray him as a bore, because he really isn't. He's a genuinely interesting man and never waves his knowledge around like a willy, doesn't pour forth his views while people around him DIE. He's not like that at all.

He just seems to have this issue with being challenged/proven wrong.

acatcalledjohn Mon 07-Mar-16 14:08:44

He expects you to just believe him regardless? Well, that sounds healthy hmm. He needs a serious reality check.

Maybe just leave him believe whatever it is that in reality is illegal. If ever he is caught out, just turn around and say "I tried to warn you, but in order to be a good little wife in your eyes I shut up and let you be right, even though you weren't."

Justaboy Mon 07-Mar-16 14:09:57

A really knowledgeable man will know that he really knows very little..

acatcalledjohn Mon 07-Mar-16 14:10:35

He's a genuinely interesting man and never waves his knowledge around like a willy

But OP, he does! By saying this:

Why can't I just listen to him and accept that he knows?

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