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AIBU?

To be upset that my husband is planning a surprise party

123 replies

yummymango · 16/10/2015 21:15

I have found out that my husband is planning a surprise party for my 40th birthday. I'm not a massive party fan in general and absolutely hate the thought of a surprise party. I had a baby a few weeks ago, I feel fat, have issues with becoming 40 and don't feel like celebrating my birthday at all really. When my husband asked me what I wanted to do I said not much, maybe cinema and meal out just the two of us - that's all I wanted. I was really looking forward to having a night out together as we don't get to do that much these days. I am gutted that he has disregarded what I wanted on my birthday. I have issues with anxiety and hate being the centre of attention. The thought of everyone looking at me to see my reaction makes me feel sick. He should know this, we have been together 10 years! How can he do this to me? I now have to either ask him to cancel it, which makes me very uneasy knowing that everyone will think I'm a big party pooper, or I just have to endure it and therefore will not be looking forward to my birthday very much.
I feel terrible as I know he is doing it because he loves me and because I wasn't really planning anything myself and I know he thought he was doing something nice for me. I don't want to upset him but at the same time I am upset with him that he has done this. Either way I feel like I loose out. Am I being completely selfish?

OP posts:

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Caprinihahahaha · 16/10/2015 21:17

No.
You poor thing.
You have to suck it up and it will be 100 times better than you think but I feel your pain.
Surprise parties are terrible.

wasonthelist · 16/10/2015 21:18

YANBU I have done surprises but only for people who I was 100% sure would be OK with it. You have clearly said you don't want a big party so it's not fair to expect you to be bumped into it.
You aren't being selfish - he is.

TigerFeat · 16/10/2015 21:21

God, yanbu. I would hate this too. But, at least you've had the heads up on it. How long do you have? Can you invest in a new outfit, hairdo etc?

yummymango · 16/10/2015 21:22

A couple of weeks so yes I have time.

OP posts:

FishOn · 16/10/2015 21:23

the joy of being 40 is caring less what people think of you

tell him, do what you want on YOUR birthday

silly DH

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 16/10/2015 21:25

I would tell him to cancel it if I didn't want to do it.

You have just had a baby so I imagine people will understand.

Do your quiet night together instead. On the plus side lots of people you know will be free to babysit.

ThatsDissapointing · 16/10/2015 21:26

Can you recruit a friend to help you. They could let you know what was happening and come with you to the party.
Or, what about telling your DH that you have found out and would like to down grade the Suprise party to a regular party. Then you could tell your friends and family that you are having party but you don't want to be the centre of attention

ohtheholidays · 16/10/2015 21:28

YANBU does he know that you've found out about the party?If not I'd start talking about how much your looking forward to just you and him getting some alone time,how much your looking forward to going to the cinema and having a nice meal out together.Tell him you've been looking at what films are going to be on(even if you haven't start now)tell him how relieved you are that your not having a party how pleased you are that he knows you so well and that for you a party would be like hell on Earth!

It's your 40th and you only get that once and for that reason alone you should get to do what you want,not what anyone else wants.

I turned 40 this year and had such a lovely day,a surprise party would be my idea of hell,poor DH had to fend of my friends trying to push him into throwing me one,Thank God he stood his ground I woke upto breakfast in bed,lots of cards and pressies and he took me out for Afternoontea which is something I've always wanted to do,just the two of us as it was a Friday so 4DC at school and oldest DS at work.In the evening DH had picked up some lovely food from M and S he cooked that for us all and he'd ordered me a lovely cake.

The next day he sent me off out with my bestfriend for shopping and lunch(to be fair it was a mainly liquid lunch)I had the best weekend ever.

janethegirl2 · 16/10/2015 21:32

I'm going to buck the trend, I'd love my dh to arrange a surprise birthday party for me as long as he did all the planning, food, entertainment etc. I love surprise parties as long as they are not fancy dress.

VimFuego101 · 16/10/2015 21:35

I'd hate this too, cannot stand being the center of attention. I don't see how you can get out of it without upsetting him though.

sherbetpips · 16/10/2015 21:36

So maybe a party with friends and family will remind you how fab you are?

PacificMouse · 16/10/2015 21:37

Yep except that the OP does NOT like surprise parties or parties and has said so to her DH.
He should have listened.

I would tell him that you really don't want that.

ForChina · 16/10/2015 21:38

I would hate a surprise party too so I totally understand, however I think it would be awfully hurtful if you cancelled now. He obviously thinks he's being very clever and loving. I can totally imagine my DH doing the same thing. How did you find out? Unless you found out by snooping, it might be best to tell him that someone has spilled the beans (or whatever) but that you appreciate the gesture and are looking forward to spending time with your friends - that way you get out of the 'surprise' element. The 'just had a baby' thing is a bit of a red herring - your friends love YOU and want to celebrate your years here on earth with them. How you look has nothing to do with anything that matters (and I bet you look better than you feel).

Culturaldilemma · 16/10/2015 21:46

OP, do you know how big this party is? A big party with a hundred guests is totally different to one with twenty guests.

Bakeoffcake · 16/10/2015 21:46

I'm with you OP.

if I were you I'd tell him you know and that you do not want a party. It's YOUR birthday and he should be doing something you will a usually enjoy. He's a twit!!

Cookingongas · 16/10/2015 21:47

My dh would hate a surprise party. I'd love one. I'd never plan one fur him. His idea if fell. He'd never plan one for me as he couldn't, ever, manage to work out what was necessary, why I'd love it, or handle the attention on him whilst planning!

Yanbu

janethegirl2 · 16/10/2015 21:49

I'm obviously in the minority but I'd love a surprise party.

elfycat · 16/10/2015 21:52

It'll be fine. Make sure a large glass of something hits your hand within 10 seconds of the 'surprise'.

Just make sure that you mention sometime VERY soon 'If anyone were to do a humorous montage of photos from my infancy up and show them to people, it would be the last thing they ever did'.

SIL thought something similar would be a good idea at our wedding reception. She called my sister who thought it a stupid idea has similar views to me and who gave me the heads up on the plan.

You can disembowel your DH later if you hated it. Or throw a revenge party for his next significant.

Anniegetyourgun · 16/10/2015 21:55

I believe everyone has the right to be selfish once in a while. When it's your landmark birthday and supposed to be your treat, why does everyone else feel they have the right to hijack it and have a jolly good party which is, you know, all well and good as a general thing, but when it's supposed to be in honour of someone who does not enjoy that sort of event it's entirely missing the point. I don't think you'd be unreasonable at all to say to your DH "look, I realise you mean this kindly but it's my idea of hell on earth so FGS call it off, or make it about your mother's goldfish's birthday if you are so hell bent on having a party".

Or, you know, just don't turn up to it

Backforthis · 16/10/2015 21:56

DH just saw this and said, "If you ever organise a surprise party for me I'm walking out!" I would feel exactly the same. I'm stunned that your DH is doing this. Please tell him that you've found out and you really don't want a party.

Anniegetyourgun · 16/10/2015 21:57

I'm obviously in the minority but I'd love a surprise party.

I'm sure lots of people would. This isn't your birthday though, it's the birthday of someone who wouldn't.

DoreenLethal · 16/10/2015 21:58

Can you just go to the cinema at the time you know the party is happening?

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BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 16/10/2015 22:03

What I would do, because I don't like my H very much, is not say anything but arrange to be somewhere else that evening and leave him looking like a twat. But if I were happily married I would just tell him that I know about the party and that I appreciate the thought but it's the total opposite of a treat for me so would he please cancel it.

Heathcliff27 · 16/10/2015 22:04

I'm not good with surprise parties either OP.

I would tell him you've been reading on MN about someone having a surprise party and that you're so glad he isn't doing something like that for you, about how much you would hate it and wouldn't forgive him.

Or you could just tell him he's been rumbled and you don't want to be a party pooper but it wasn't how you planned your 40th to be.

Leeds2 · 16/10/2015 22:04

I have in fact told OH that if he ever organised a surprise party for me, I would walk out. And he knows I would. Surprise parties are vile.

In OP's case, I would tell him I knew, and ask him to cancel Then make a booking for 2 at a restaurant I wanted to go to. Not ideal, but you get what you want.

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