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SIL upset DCs (DH death related) calm me down NOW

(142 Posts)
lickingstars Wed 29-Oct-14 22:11:42

Namechanged so it's not connected to my usual name. You may recognise me from another thread that I posted. I just don't want my usual name on this.

So my DH died a couple of weeks ago. We are all struggling a bit with it. So it is half term this week. I took the DCs to Liverpool on Monday to add to their Christmas lists. They had never been so it was a new experience and they loved it.

I decided to meet up with a friend today to get some Christmas shopping and have a day out we decided to go to Liverpool again because it was easier and there is more to do.
The DCs (12,6,4) went to PILs they usually go for a day during the holidays anyway. SIL lives in a flat 15 minutes away from PILs but she is at theirs most of the time. She and DH weren't close partly due to an age gap but mostly because she is very over dramatic and likes things her way. We only see her if she is at PILs at the same time.

So got to 5 pm just getting in the car to go home and MIL calls me. DD2 (4) is hysterical and can I hurry back. The drive home takes an hour.

Got there and DD2 was still upset and crying. She wouldn't calm down and the other two were also upset but wouldn't say why. MIL said that she wasn't sure what happened as they won't say while SIL was there and SIL maintained that she doesn't know what happens either.
So I took them all home.

When we got home DD2 told me she was upset because daddy isn't coming back.

So after talking about with her and the other two DCs separately.
Turns out PILs were talk to neighbours and left SIL with the DCs making pizzas. DD2 wanted a smiley face out of tomato sauce and asked SIL to do it for her. SIL said fine but then just made a blob in the middle and told her to deal with it.
DD2 said that DH used to do smiley faces for her and it was easy for adults because they could squeeze the bottle. SIL well DH wasn't coming back so they could never have sauce faces again.

DD2 and DS (6) started to cry and DD1 (12) said that was really uncalled for and told the younger two that dad was watching all of us.
Then MIL came back in and asked what was happening and SIL said that DD1 had upset them all. DD1 said that she hadn't and SIL maintained that she had .
DD1 got upset and left the room. MIL went after her and FIL went to get tissues and while they were gone DS said to SIL that he would learn how to make smiley faces to make DD2 happy and the DH could see all the smilies faces from the sky. SIL said DH would be too busy having fun to care about smiley faces. So then the DCs were really upset and MIL called me.

It has taken AGES to settle them and reassure them and I am so angry and upset. I haven't called anyone yet because I don't want to fall out tonight and I don't really have the energy for a fight.

They are good kids and their stories match up. Also DD1 is very factual and DS can't keep secrets so I am sure they are telling the truth.

Am I being unreasonable to think this is completely unacceptable? ILs have lost DH too and it is hard but is it excusable? I need you all to calm me down. I have no idea what to do daily anyway so this just feels to hard to puzzle out.

lickingstars Wed 29-Oct-14 22:12:41

Oh it hasn't namechanged oh well it doesn't really matter anyway.

ChasedByBees Wed 29-Oct-14 22:15:39

How dare she? Sorry I can't calm you down, reading that has made me furious. It is unforgivable. I'm so sorry for your loss flowers

MrsTerrorPratchett Wed 29-Oct-14 22:16:41

If I get it right, your PILs weren't there for any of the utter shit your SIL was spouting. Is that correct? If so, she bloody knows she was wrong as is hiding this from people who might 'tell'. Your poor kids. sad That's does mean that the PILs aren't involved though. I wouldn't have my children anywhere near her again.

Do you think she might have a personality disorder?

NoraRobertsismyguiltypleasure Wed 29-Oct-14 22:16:48

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with something so shitty on top of your recent bereavement. Your SIL was at best being extremely tactless at worst deliberately upsetting your children for the drama it creates. I think you are right to not call anyone tonight, but focus on your poor children.
I don't know what to suggest you could say to either PIL or SIL, I'm sure someone else will have the right idea.

Tanaqui Wed 29-Oct-14 22:16:57

Ya so not u, ring and go ballistic at them.

Solasum Wed 29-Oct-14 22:17:04

Sounds awful but it sounds a bit like SIL was jealous of the attention your DH was getting in conversationconfused

I am so sorry for your loss

How would you feel about talking to SIL?

BatCrapCrazy Wed 29-Oct-14 22:17:08

Oh gosh. That is bloody awful. I have no useful advice (except possibly give SIL a smack across the chops - that should teach her to hush her gums the insensitive, nasty cow).
I just wanted to say that you and your DC are so so brave. Hugs to you all.

LadyLuck10 Wed 29-Oct-14 22:17:40

You have every right to be LIVID. How dare sheangry. She really must be evil to say this to a small child. I would tell IL exactly what she said although they are in no way to be blamed. I would never ever want that evil woman around the kids again.
Sorry for your loss op, hope the kids are ok nowthanks

blueemerald Wed 29-Oct-14 22:17:45

Wow. Just wow. My condolences for what you and your family are going through right now. My father died when I was 15 so I may be too 'close' to this situation but that would be it for me. I wouldn't ever see her again. As to why she said those things? Some people are just horrible. I wouldn't fight because it will get you nowhere, just cut her out.

TheCraicDealer Wed 29-Oct-14 22:18:24

My first thought is that she must have some sort of social disorder- surely no-one could be that callous on purpose to recently bereaved children? I mean your six year old gave her an "out" and she just kept digging and making the situation worse. Fucking hell.

YANBU. Obviously the IL's have lost a child and they'll be keen to shield their remaining daughter, but this is unacceptable.

ALittleFaith Wed 29-Oct-14 22:18:39

Couldn't leave this....first of all I'm very sorry for your loss.

Wow, this is awful. I do think you need to (calmly!) speak to everyone to work things out. However I can't imagine your children making up such a thing, especially not the turn of phrase of Daddy's not coming back.

Tonight you just need to breathe. Know that you will get to the bottom of this but only by handling it calmly and carefully. Does SIL have a history of being unkind or getting frustrated with the kids?

Fwiw I think your DS sounds adorable smile

stealthsquiggle Wed 29-Oct-14 22:18:41

How would PIL react if you gave them a factual account of what happened, do you think? Would they default to taking SIL's side, or would they believe the DC?

PiperIsOrangePumpkins Wed 29-Oct-14 22:18:51

Very soon make pizza with them.

What an utter bitch.

HomeIsWhereTheHeartIs Wed 29-Oct-14 22:18:57

Words fail me.

Altinkum Wed 29-Oct-14 22:19:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StarlingMurmuration Wed 29-Oct-14 22:19:08

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. This is the last thing you need. flowers

YANBU. Even if SIL is having a bad time grieving, she's an adult and to behave as she did to your poor kids is inexcusable. In my experience, people can be very badly affected by the death of a sibling even if they're not close, but it's very wrong to use that as an excuse to be insensitive and unfeeling.

HowardTJMoon Wed 29-Oct-14 22:19:17

I'm really sorry to learn about your DH. It must be absolutely devastating for you all.

Your SIL is so far out of order it's untrue. What she said was cruel and thoughtless. I'm guessing she doesn't have children herself which might go some tiny way to understanding why she could be so massively lacking in empathy towards what your children must be feeling.

All I would say is that you don't do or say anything right now. Look after yourself, look after your children. Ignore your utter bitch of a SIL.

lickingstars Wed 29-Oct-14 22:19:29

I am not sure I should talk to SIL yet because honestly I will say something I will regret. I am so angry with her.

Quangle Wed 29-Oct-14 22:20:01

oh you poor darlings. This sounds awful.

Is your SIL unhinged? Genuinely that's the only reason I can think for being so stupid and thoughtless. She may well think she's entitled to behave like this because of her own sense of loss but she really needs to get to the back of the queue on this one.

I'm so sorry - you need to keep hold of the fact that you know what's right and wrong and you know what your DCs need and you are doing all you can to keep them loved and safe under your care.

Theorientcalf Wed 29-Oct-14 22:20:20

Christ on a bike, what an evil bitch. As someone who too lost their Dad as a child, I would go fucking nuts OP. How dare she.

KatieKaye Wed 29-Oct-14 22:21:02

I'm not surprised you are furious.
What SIL did was horrible, and really malicious. A total bitch.
Your DS sounds so lovey, trying to make his little sister feel better. He could certainly teach his aunt a thing or too about compassion.
However much she might be grieving for her brother, these are his children - young children too. She seems to have gone out of her way to try to upset them.
I hope MIL knows the true story and that she will handle SIL. None of you need her in your lives because she's not going to enhance them at all. There is no excuse for her - none at all.

blueemerald Wed 29-Oct-14 22:21:19

I agree that a pizza making session is important, it may sound silly but you don't want that activity to be 'tainted' by today's events.

In a few days I would contact the PIL and get their reaction. They probably missed the whole story amongst 3 upset children etc.

SDTGisASpookyWoooolefGenius Wed 29-Oct-14 22:21:41

That is absolutely appalling - I would be so tempted to go ballistic, ring her up and tell her I know exactly what she said, and that she is never, ever to say anything so evil to my children again, otherwise she won't be seeing them unsupervised, ever. But that might cause huge family ructions, and I imagine that is the last thing you need right now.

So have a huge hug from me, and know that I am sending you and your ds loving thoughts. They sound like absolutely wonderful people, and I am sure you are so proud of them.

browneyedgirl86 Wed 29-Oct-14 22:22:05

I am so sorry for your family's loss. Your SIL is a complete bitch. I'm sorry. What she has did is so far past the line she can't even see the line!! It's a dot in the distance. There's no excuse for your SIL behaviour, none at all. What did your PIL say about her behaviour?

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