To be lying awake worrying about this?

[Lovedmywildway]

I've been a sahm since having ds. He's 5 and a half and in year 1. He started a new school in September and is just settling in.

I've been offered a job but it will mean him going to before school club from 8am ish. I'm feeling really anxious about it. Really anxious. The before school club let the children onto the playground at 8.40 (bell goes 8.50) and the children just join everyone else but no one seems to watch them. The gate is open at this point with parents coming and going and it's a really busy road.
I'm worrying because if ds escaped (it's probably unlikely he's car sensible) how would anyone notice? I might not know until I got a text from the school saying he wasn't there and I won't be able to check my phone much in my new job so it could be lunchtime before I knew.
And also it's breaking my heart to think of his little 5 year old self going and lining up on the playground with no one to hug or kids him. Most of the mothers are sahm (they mainly have younger children still at home) and I think there's only two others in his class who use before school club. So he will see everyone else's mommy hugging goodbye and his wont be there.

Tell me to get a grip...I know lots of people have to do this and he's 5 not a baby but I'm finding it such a wrench. The thought of him all alone in the playground makes me want to cry.
I'm feeling hugely hugely guilty. And I can't sleep. I haven't been to sleep at all yet I've just lay here worrying. I was really pleased when I was offered the job but now I just feel awful for ds. I think if they didn't let them out on the playground I would feel much better. It's the letting them back out when everyone else's parents are there and the gate is still open. I know I'm going to want to ring the school to check he's made it back in ok for registrar! They must have some sort of proper system where he couldn't just disappear mustn't they???

Poor you. Everything seems worse in the middle of the night.

As far as I can tell you have two main concerns;

1. Safety - YANBU. Ask the school/club what their safeguarding is WRT this. Someone has to be in loco parentis at all times and children must be handed over AFAIK.

2. Feeling - YAmaybeBU. Completely depends on the child. DD would LOVE this and not care at all. Her cousin would have been weeping and wailing. Which is your DS?

I'm not sure - he's taken the new school in his stride and is really happy so I don't want this to unsettle him.
We normally arrive at 8.30ish because parking is a huge problem if any later so by dropping him around 8.10 it will only be 20minutes extra. He is still quite clingy to me in the mornings though, always happy to go in and no tears but he hasn't made a huge amount of friends yet...
I think I need to speak to them to see how they make sure they have all the children. That will probably make me feel better. I just have horrible visions of him going out of the gate and no one noticing or realising for a few hours!

There is no need to worry. At age 5, he is old enough to be told very firmly that he can't go out of the gate. He'll be in the school environment, so he'll take it seriously; he won't be alone either and will make new friends in the before school club. He will be fine! It will be a nice "grown up" thing for him to do.

Congratulations on the new job btw!

Well done on getting the job. You do need to have a chat with the boy - and the school. No point in fretting tonight. I'm up with earache (mine) - and ds4 has a headache. We've all got the winter cold virus. Fun!!

Sympathies! Impossible not to worry, but I bet he will be 100% fine.

I know it's very unlikely that ds will venture outside the gate...it's just the 'what if'
I would feel better if they took them straight to the classroom tbh. 5 is still quite little and the playground is super busy at that time.

It's when I think of him going to line up all on his own that makes me feel so bloody sad. I need to calm down don't I? I didn't want him in before and after school clubs in ks1 but don't feel I can justify being a sahm anymore. I feel I must do something.

Hope you feel better soon Basket, sounds gloomy.

I don't think you should lie awake worrying about it. I think you should decide now that you are going to ask on Monday what the arrangements are for looking after the little ones are between 8.40 and 8.50. Once you know, you can make up your mind if the arrangements are acceptable or not for you.

If you are happy with the arrangements, remember that your LO will still be getting hugs and kisses from you - it will just be that he gets them when he goes into before school club rather than when school starts.

If you are not happy with arrangements, there may be other solutions eg you starting work later, arranging for someone else to get him to school for 8.50 etc? But there's no point losing sleep over things until you know what the arrangements for the handover between before school club and school are....

I'd speak to the school about your safety concerns. Hopefully they can lay your mind to rest.

I know of a few schools that have this set up of children playing in the playground until the bell goes, but nothing actually stopping them going back out the gate. Most actually have a teacher there keeping an eye out though. Plus, IME, other mums tend to look out for the dc at our school - ie. if they see a child wandering, and know his mum's gone already, guide him back in. I've done this with dc of friends of mine.

Unless your ds is a genuine escapee-type, I think it's highly unlikely he'll wander out - he'll be playing with his friends. 'Letting go' is hard - it happens at various stages of their lives. I had sleepless nights about my ds starting school, starting secondary and getting the bus on his own and so on. It's all a journey - for you and him.

Agreed it is unlikely...but not impossible. And because he's new not that many of the parents know him yet. They may not realise he isn't with someone.
There won't be anyone to speak to until after half term and I had to make a decision re the job today. I should probably have spoken to the before school people before but I didn't think I'd get it and it happened so quickly...I only applied on Monday.

Well yesterday now I suppose.
I've accepted it but haven't signed anything yet. However doubt they'd be thrilled if I backed out now.

I would have liked to do pick up and drop off for a couple of years but felt judged for being a sahm without any children.

It's fantastic you got your job OP!

Try not to worry - surreptitiously check your phone in the loo on your first morning if you can. Speak to whoever you're dropping ds off to on the monday morning. Ask them to keep an eye on him - explain your worries. It'll be fine - don't worry, its natural to feel worried. It's the things you're not worrying about that tend to go wrong IME.

Hopefully your concerns will be addressed when you speak to the school. However, if you don't have to go back to work yet and would prefer to be able to pick and drop off for a few years, don't let yourself feel judged for wanting to continue to be a sahm... It's one thing to go back to work because you need to or want to. But if neither of these apply, it doesn't matter two hoots what other people think!

You can withdraw from the job if you want to, especially if you haven't signed a contract yet. They won't be thrilled but it won't be a disaster for them either, and they will find someone else. Happens more often than you might think IME. But you could always ask the employer first if there is any flexibility in start and finish times to let you be at school for drop off and pick up.

It doesn't have to be a choice between SAHM and no outside work, by the way. It's not impossible to find a solution which allows you to do something which fits in dropping off/collecting with employment/self-employment. (I do this.)

I think I will try the mobile number and see if I can reach anyone on Monday.
If worst came to absolute worst and it didn't work because ds is really unhappy or we don't feel it's safe is that id just have to give notice and explain. Again not ideal but at least I'd have given it a go.
He may need to go to after school once a week but I think my mom will usually be able to pick up at the normal time.
It's so difficult to find jobs that fit with school times and the holidays. I suppose selfishly because he's my only one and we can't have more I wanted to be around a little longer and be able to go to school plays, assemblies etc. but I felt really judged for being a sahm and it was getting me down.

You should never feel judged for being a sahm - I am one, and I know loads. Do you actually want the job?

I don't know...I do. But I don't want ds to suffer because of it. He still seems little. My own mom stayed at home until I was 9 and it was great. She always had plenty of time to do stuff with me and could come to all my school things. But it was different then, it was more usual for mothers to stay at home.
I've only felt judged since ds started school. I feel like people are thinking 'but what do you do all day?' Dh has a job which takes him away a lot and is long hours so everything to do with ds falls on me.

You really don't sound like you want this job (although well done on being offered it)!!! There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a SAHM and being able to do all the things you mention with your DS. Try to put yourself a few years in the future and imagine how you will feel about this decision. Will you really be happy that you took a job which meant you missing out on being able to do the things you've listed just because you were worried about what other people think? He will be only be little for a while. And you can bet that some of the people you think are judging you would give their eye teeth to be in your position.

It's absolutely no-one else's business whether you choose to be a SAHM or not - if you don't have go out to work, it boils down to what you think is right for you and your family.

If you feel that you want to do something during the day, you could always look at studying, voluntary work or some kind of part-time/self-employed work which will give you the flexibility to take him to and from school, go to school plays and sports days etc.

YANBU, you are worried about your little one, and letting go is hard. Im in the states and the 1st day I put mu 4.5 yr old on the school bus, I cried for hours until he got off the bus and he had a bloody good time. Told me in detail all he did and being with the big kids made him feel so "grown-up" .

Ask to come in late the first few days. Drop him off and find a hiding place (where he cant see you ) and just observe how they handle the process for a few days. If it looks like they are watching out for the little ones it will ease your mind and you will have confidence in the school program.

Congratulations on the new job! Im sure you will figure this out and everything will run smoothly. In a few weeks you will wonder why you stayed up all night worrying about this, promise.
Now try to sleep so you can enjoy your Saturday with your DS.

Maybe it won't be as bad as I'm thinking it will be. It's bound to feel tough after being at home for so long.

I've been doing voluntary with since ds started school but obviously it was way more flexible in that I could take time off if needed for school things and if he was ill.
Oh god. I don't know. Jobs aren't that easy to get are they? I'm lucky to have been offered it.

There's nothing wrong with being a SAHM. it's an enviable position imo.

Your concern re the breakfast club arrangements is perfectly valid. That isn't a good handover. Any child might leave the grounds instead of going into school so I don't think their arrangement is adequate and I would question it actually.

I will phone them on Monday. I mean other people's children manage so there's no reason why mine shouldn't is there? It's only going to be 40mins at most.
I think it's the not being able to go to things as well but possibly I might be able to if I can make up hours elsewhere. I will be able to go to the nativity because it's in the afternoon.
I think I have to try it and if it doesn't with out then at least I will know. My mum doesn't live too far away and if ds was ill I'm sure she'd help. If he was really ill id just have to stay home with him.

Are you absolutely positive they let the ks1 children on to the playground to go in by themselves? At our school the ks2 children are allowed on to the playground before school in the morning but the littlies are taken straight to their classrooms. They are also taken on a route that avoids the playground, specifically so that they don't get upset by seeing mums of other children. I would definitely ring on Monday to clarify arrangements.

I would be awake worrying too op. But I am like you and worry! In our school the before school club all line up and walk in a line to the school door in the playground where they are handed over to a member of staff and then they are watched by teaching staff.

I imagine that as they are part of a "club" the older ones will look out for the younger ones and they feel part of the gang so to speak.

Is your worry really about the job as others have said? Speak to the school and find out their policy on Monday and sort that out. It will put your mind at rest.

Don't forget things that wake us up and cause worry in the night, never seem so bad in the morning.

Congratulations on the job.

Yes because I've seen it every day since ds started. The children wait by the side door and then at 8.40 are released into the playground. No one comes with them as far as I can tell.

Do you know any of the other mums well enough to ask if they would keep a special eye on him?