To be lying awake worrying about this?

[Lovedmywildway]

I've been a sahm since having ds. He's 5 and a half and in year 1. He started a new school in September and is just settling in.

I've been offered a job but it will mean him going to before school club from 8am ish. I'm feeling really anxious about it. Really anxious. The before school club let the children onto the playground at 8.40 (bell goes 8.50) and the children just join everyone else but no one seems to watch them. The gate is open at this point with parents coming and going and it's a really busy road.
I'm worrying because if ds escaped (it's probably unlikely he's car sensible) how would anyone notice? I might not know until I got a text from the school saying he wasn't there and I won't be able to check my phone much in my new job so it could be lunchtime before I knew.
And also it's breaking my heart to think of his little 5 year old self going and lining up on the playground with no one to hug or kids him. Most of the mothers are sahm (they mainly have younger children still at home) and I think there's only two others in his class who use before school club. So he will see everyone else's mommy hugging goodbye and his wont be there.

Tell me to get a grip...I know lots of people have to do this and he's 5 not a baby but I'm finding it such a wrench. The thought of him all alone in the playground makes me want to cry.
I'm feeling hugely hugely guilty. And I can't sleep. I haven't been to sleep at all yet I've just lay here worrying. I was really pleased when I was offered the job but now I just feel awful for ds. I think if they didn't let them out on the playground I would feel much better. It's the letting them back out when everyone else's parents are there and the gate is still open. I know I'm going to want to ring the school to check he's made it back in ok for registrar! They must have some sort of proper system where he couldn't just disappear mustn't they???

Won't the after school club be running as a holiday club over half term? There should be someone you can talk to there.

No they don't run holiday club - there wasn't enough demand so they stopped it.

I think your worries about safety are totally appropriate. Personally, there's no way I would leave a wee five year old in the playground with an open gate, no matter where the school was. Scone queen talks a lots of sense and I would go with her advice. You've got the rest of your life to work you don't get these years back with small children.

Your instincts are there for a reason I wouldn't ignore them.

If you have to or what to go back to work that's a totally different issue. In this case I would look at a childminder to do drop off.

Things do seem worse during the night, in the morning things will seem clearer.

You sound like a lovely mum, by the way.

Take the job. I fretted and worried when due to a change in circumstances DC had to go to after school club for two evenings a week. A lot of other mums were SAHM and I felt terrible guilt that I wasn't always there at the end of the day. They are older now and barely remember!
What will you do for childcare over the many school holidays? This, I'm still struggling and juggling.

I wouldn't be happy with the arrangement you describe OP. The children should be signed into the club and then delivered straight to class where they are handed over to the teacher. There shouldn't be any time where they are out of the care of an adult and left to their own devices. I would check how the club operates before making your decision. It may be that they are being watched and you don't realise it.

As for the job, I agree that you shouldn't feel under pressure to work if you don't have to. Whether you are a SAHM or not is none of anyone else's business.

I have used the before and after school club at two different primary schools. At both schools my children were 'chaperoned' as a group between the club location and classroom. Are they really left unattended in the playground? Someone must be responsible for them surely?

I wouldn't be happy with this. 5 year olds are essentially being left unsupervised. I would raise it with the school

Ours line up outside too and I always see DD in. Our breakfast club sees them into their classrooms. On the days I work, a local nursery sees her in and when I specifically said "do you just drop and go or wait till the line is in" the manager was horrified I had even suggested it.

It's not just the nightmare scenario of stranger danger. It's also that some 5 year olds are unpredictable. Our school did have an incident of a 5 year old leaving and walking home again.

I would make a real fuss and contact the local authority if necessary.

My DC3 started reception this term and I started a new job at the same time. I'd been a SAHM for 9 years (since DC1 was born). I was so worried about the DC feeling abandoned by me, especially DC3 as he is so little, but it's been great. They have adapted really well. I've even overheard them telling their friends that 'mummy has a job now' proudly. Hope it goes well for you too.

Same as Hamish .
At our school the breakfast club children are supervised inside all the time until 8.55. Reception children are led to the classroom as the breakfast club area is a couple of corridors away from their classroom.
I am horrified. What timings are you actually paying for?

Speak to the breakfast club about their safeguarding policies. Wrap around care is Ofsted inspected, so they have to have similar policies to schools.

Kisses - I put kisses in DS's trouser pockets. I blow some kisses into my hands and pretend to scoop them into his pockets, where he can get them all day. He is also Class 1, but just 6

You still have a kiss and cuddle when you drop him off. Then the running around for 10 mins before lining up is just like an extra break time.

He will get used to it.
I was a student last year when DS started reception so hardly any flexibility and he had to go to after school club 4 days a week. It broke my heart since all the others in his class had someone pick them up and he had to go on a minibus to another site! It was tiring for him at first and I felt guilty but he got used to it very quickly and now he loves it.
Don't give up the job over this, jobs aren't easy to come by and now he's at school there is really no need to stay at home if you want to be working. It's a great role modelling thing as well and teaches good work ethics.

What will you do for childcare during school holidays or if he can't go to school?

If l didn't have to work then I wouldn't but I only work 2 day's and these are flexible according to what is happening at school.

I expect she will do what most working parents do
Holiday clubs in the holidays and discretionary leave for when the child is ill
Plenty of us manage it

I've just gone back to work after 5 years and I'm actually really enjoying it. The children (4 and 6) are loving breakfast and after school clubs although the younger one is tired. I was very apprehensive beforehand but glad I went for it.

But your safety concern is legitimate. Surely someone from breakfast club monitors the playground? It's totally different in the morning when the gate are open. Our breakfast club take children direct to classroom. I do like the idea of a 10 min run around before school but there must be someone to monitor the younger ones surely?

If you decided to be a sahm for another 4 or 5 yrs and were therefore able to be there for drop off, pick up, school time activities, accompanied school trips and help with reading, do you honestly think you would regret it. ? I had to return to work when all of my dc were 6 months, no choice needed the money. I regret not being there, finding it all a chore because I had no time to enjoy it, I regret it. That time will never come back. All I can say is that if you don't HAVE to work and you are doing it solely because you feel guilty then don't do it. What is more important to you ? Some opinionated 'others' ( who are probably jealous as hell) or what you want for your child ? Women's rights after all are not about guilt tripping mothers into work but having the right to choose what is best for you.

"
I would have liked to do pick up and drop off for a couple of years but felt judged for being a sahm without any children."

Felt judged by who?

If your intention was to stay at home for another couple of years and it's what you want to do and you can manage that financially and it's something that you and your partner agree on, then why on earth get a job?

YANBU, I hope you feel less upset now the night's over with. Worrying is natural but I do think the set up of the before school club would worry me a lot. I wouldn't be happy.

I'm not sure that I'd go back to work just yet, I work four days and I feel like I miss out on so much with DS but unfortunately I don't have the choice. If he was my only and last child I'd be staying off as long as I could, I'd do every pick up and drop off and be there for every event. Once those years are gone they're gone. This job opportunity sounds like something you know you should be excited about but your heart isn't really in it. Honestly, do not feel guilty or judged for being at home, you are in a great position and you never know how the job market will change once your DS is older.

Working and being a parent it hard, it's packed with emotional guilt for me. It's one thing to work hard and feel satisfaction at the end of the day but it's a completely different thing to work hard and feel nothing but guilt at the end of it.

Make your decision on what you want to do, not what other people think of you standing at the school gate without a younger child. I have one day off in the week (plus weekends) but when DS starts school I won't be working on that day, I'll be taking him to and from school because it makes me sad to think I won't get to do this for him. If we can afford it I'm planning on dropping to 3 days, I feel no guilt for this.

Thanks, I've calmed down a little.
I'm still feeling conflicted, I don't feel I can back out now though tbh.
It does make me feel desperately sad about not being able to take ds to school anymore but I know lots if children manage fine. Realistically by the time he's in, had something to eat and played for a few minutes it'll be time to go out into the playground. I am going to clear up the playground thing though - I am majorly concerned about that.

Then I will fetch him four afternoons and my mom will fetch him one so that it will just be before school. I will have to see where the land lies regarding attending school stuff. If I can't go I know dh or my parents will go so ds will always have someone there...it's me that'll be upset! And ds and me are very close.

But I guess as working hours go 8.45 - 1.00 four days and 8.45-3.15 one day aren't too bad.
I will get the holidays so that will keep me going, every six weeks or so we will get a break :-)
I'm still going to go in and listen to readers in ds's school - I can go straight from work. I will probably be shattered but I want ds to see I'm still there for him. And thank god I can go to the nativity.

And if it's horrific and I hate it and ds hates it I will just have to leave. It won't be the first time someone has tried working somewhere and found it doesn't suit them. I'm not contacted in for life.

I start in five weeks so I will put ds into before school a few times and see how he gets on so that I'm not leaving him that first morning and heading straight off to work. Ds is quite open to the idea, he's actually asked to go to after school club before because they 'have cool toys' so I've told him before school is basically the same.

I have an irrational fear that our relationship will somehow be damaged.

I'm still feeling conflicted, I don't feel I can back out now though tbh.

Take the guilt about withdrawing your acceptance out of the picture. The employers are adults, they will cope. Seriously. This is a red herring in your decision making process.

Before you make your final decision, go in on Monday and speak to the school about the safeguarding arrangements for transition between breakfast club to the first lesson. If you feel in any way unsure, then you can withdraw your job acceptance. There will be other jobs.

But don't lie awake worrying about it. Investigate and then make your decision based on the facts. If needs be, put your son into breakfast club one day, and sit outside and see what happens. And base your decision on what actually happens.

I think the anxiety will go as you get used to it. Speak to someone at school about the safety aspect as it does need to be addressed.

If it helps anything, you have managed to snag a job that is like gold dust amongst mums looking for work, so I would hang on to it tightly if I were you.

It's understandable that your heart is breaking for your little one. But it'll seem a lot worse for you than it will be for him. I promise you that. He's just going to run around, his happy little self, and you will be helping him (and you! It's usually a lot harder for the parent...) on the next step toward age-appropriate independence.

Good luck in working out the details. And good luck in your new job

They do similar in my Ds's school. They walk them around to the playground at 8.40, and then they line up at 9.00 with everyone else. There is a TA standing by each gate so they can see if anyone tries to go back out of the gates. I'm sure he won't try and leave and if he does someone will stop him.

I have an irrational fear that our relationship will somehow be damaged

In the nicest possible way- get a grip. this will not happen. He's 5, he'll cope just fine.

And it's 20 minutes of a morning! Not 12 hours a day

It's perfectly normal to feel anxious about big changes- and working again after 5 years at home is a massive change. I felt anxious about every new childcare step with my dc..my dc1 went to a cm from
12 weeks, then dc2 and 3 went to nursery, and as they reached school age we used a mix of cm and before/ after school clubs. I'm pretty sure every time I worried that they might not cope. However, they did cope fine (and this is 3 children with very different personalities) and the chances are your ds will too. He won't be missing out on a hug and kiss from you -he just gets them earlier.
Totally valid to raise your concerns with the school, and check what their arrangement are for safeguarding. Remember so far you are judging just on your perception of what you think happens... For all you know there is a key worker for each of the younger children who is watching from inside for those 10 mins they go in the playground. The school will have to have a safeguarding policy, but you won't know the finer details unless you ask. If you still don't feel comfortable then use a cm who will hand your child straight over. There are solutions, and it certainly shouldn't mean you having to give up a job (specially one with overall very school friendly hours) but you just need to find out the facts

If you aren't happy with the before school provision at school, why not see if you can find a childminder? See if you can find one who will do before school, one afternoon collection and if you are lucky she might also be able to have him on Inset days and the like if you or your Mum can't.

Your hours at work are great, I'd definitely give it a go. Part time, collecting from school 4/5 (maybe even 5/5 if you ask nicely and make up the hours elsewhere), no school holidays... dream job for many!

BUT don't do it because you feel you should be working when you don't have a child at home, it no one else's business as long as you and DH are happy with it. OTOH these days I feel a bit nervous of anyone totally getting out of the workforce for too long, divorce rates are ridiculously high and it does leave you somewhat high and dry should the worst happen, so keeping your hand in is good from that pov too.