Wedding Dilemma - probably being unreasonable

[Ooohpretty]

Ok this will be long and I have NC'd as the details may out me!

My sister is getting married - she's older than me and I am very happy for her. We live in separate areas of the country and I haven't seen much of her since she met her fiancé (fair enough).

The wedding is at a hotel - very very nice. I have a DS with autism and she rang a while ago throwing ideas around (like would he cope abroad). Anyway I kind of said do whatever and I will get him through but to be aware that the timeframe she was looking at (June to Oct) was as he moved to secondary school and that we (professionals and I) were very very worried about how he would cope.

The wedding has been booked in the same week he leaves primary school.

Clearly it's her day and we are not her main concern which is fine. I have the choice to go or not.

In addition there are lots of wider family issue - historically my sister and I meet on common ground to rise above the nonsense our family causes. She would like me to 'manage' the issues on her day so she doesn't have to... I agree she doesn't have to but I can't see why the grown ups can't manage themselves

I don't want to go - the hassle, the preparation, up-ending my son, the family issue and not to mention the cost (hotel is £250 a night).... I just don't want to go.

I know I am being unreasonable but I wondered how much? It's a wedding and I am close family - are they ever going to speak to me again?

[Picturesinthefirelight]

Would it imv

[lizzzyyliveson]

You do have to go, but you could say that your son won't cope with the hotel and you will be staying in a B&B nearby which will give you a chance to withdraw from any family dramatics and be a 'home' environment for your DS. When you want to socialise you can use the hotel's public rooms but you will have a bolthole from any drama.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

With the circumstances you mention it sounds like hell on earth.

Why should you be the one to manage the stupid behaviour that may occur on her wedding day, not to mention caring for your child?

I wouldn't go but I'm hard faced and wouldn't care if if family didn't speak to me because of it.

[Picturesinthefirelight]

Would it involve taking your son out of school that final week - you can't do that it would really exclude him & it's something he'd never get back

If its at a weekend I'd say go - but make sure she realises your priority is looking after & managing ds, not sorting out wider family issues.

[anyoldname76]

Have you got a partner your ds could stay with and you go alone?

[nennypops]

Can you leave ds with someone?

So far as the family is concerned, I'd suggest both you and your sister contact them beforehand to ask them to recognise that this is her day and behave like adults put their issues aside for her sake, or just not go if they feel unable to do that.

[Picturesinthefirelight]

& we've never stayed in a wedding hotel. For any family or friends wedding that have involved travel we've booked into a nearby travelodge or premier inn (one time we made it into our summer family holiday (Devon) & booked a week in a caravan!

Don't feel obliged.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

She needs to nominate someone else to manage the family.

Is there anyone you could bring - friend etc - to help manage DS?

[ClashCityRocker]

You need to manage your sister's expectations.

Yes, you can go, but no, you can't play referee with the family disputes. She and her fiancé need to speak to the parties involved beforehand.

I would maybe (budget permitting) book a small cottage or B and B nearby, so you and your son can have your own space away from all the wedding fuss and have somewhere to 'retreat' back to if it all gets too much.

Presumably, going without your son isn't an option, or not something you would want to pursue?

[ClashCityRocker]

Sorry, pressed send to soon...

I do think you should make an effort to go, if at all possible, particularly as it's likely to damage your relationship with your sister if you don't go.

[Barefootgirl]

Only you know how much disruption its likely to cause your son. Are we talking full-on three-hour screaming headbanging sessions, or something less intense?

I like DoctrineofSnatch's idea that you bring someone along to help you manage DS, presumably you don't have a partner on the scene who would step up to the mark, as you haven't mentioned them. Have you got to go for the entire weekend, or is it feasible to drive there and back in a day, ensuring that you are there for the important bit of the wedding and reception, but leaving before the family have a chance to get lairy?

[Ooohpretty]

Thank you

There is no partner and DS is not used to being left. I suspect that he is the guest they want there, not me but that brings it's own issues - if he goes I will no doubt pull a miracle out of my bum to get him through and then they will all be questioning his diagnosis

The expectation is we will stay at the hotel so DS has somewhere to go if he 'gets excited' (my fathers words).

Unfortunately I have no contact with the main person who is an issue - another family member takes a lot of flax too and I did suggest her to my sister who commented that it will take more than that. Suffice to say I will have manage the situation very carefully and potentially take a lot of flax with a smile on my face

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Is it in the same week [on a week day] or at the weekend?

Just go, but don't stay at the wedding hotel, and just look after your son not the whole family.

[Ooohpretty]

Barefoot - potentially 3hr violent meltdowns... Yes

But more than likely once we get home and just as he starts his last few days at his school

[WooWooOwl]

I wouldn't go in your position, and I don't think you are being at all unreasonable.

The last week of primary school was a special time for both my children and me, and I wouldn't have missed it for anything except a dying relative. I'd be really upset that my sister booked that week, especially if there were things she wanted me to do. She could have shown some consideration, and if she hasn't booked yet I'd sound her out about the possibility of changing it.

I don't know if the last week will be meaningful for your ds considering his wider issues, but if it will be then it would be really unfair to take that away from him.

[Ooohpretty]

My friends are queuing for my 'plus one'

It's a weekend - sorry not clear

[Bearbehind]

You said you know you are being unreasonable and I agree.

You've listed loads of reasons why you don't want to go, your son being one of them, but none of them are a good enough reason to miss your sisters wedding IMO.

Will your son need time off school? If so, time at the end of the last term in primary is much better than the first term in secondary.

Your family have to be responsible for their own behaviour so I wouldn't even get into the 'managing' them nonsense.

As for the cost/ hassle excuses- that's weddings for you but it really isn't an excuse to miss your sisters big day.

[expatinscotland]

YANBU.

But people whose kids don't have autism and don't get it will come and tell you that you are.

[Ooohpretty]

Woo

She has booked already and yes she knew.

We are already planning for this move. For him transitions are very difficult and he can't process, identify or manage normal emotions so he will 'feel' it intensely - to a point that he becomes unmanageable.

His head teacher put her head on the desk when I mentioned the possibility of a wedding between June & Oct - haven't yet told her the rest!!!

[WooWooOwl]

So your son wouldn't actually miss any of the leavers things at school, but would probably not get anything out of them because of the stress of going to the wedding? Possibly made worse by the lack of routine over the last couple of weeks of school?

Have I got that right?

If so, my last post might not be relevant as I thought you meant that he'd miss everything, but I still don't think YABU.

[Ooohpretty]

It's hard to say as it's so far away Woo - there is a big leavers event on one of the weekends in the July every year which he might potentially miss.

Bear - I don't disagree that I being unreasonable - thank you for being honest about how my family will feel

[WooWooOwl]

X posted!

Don't go!

There are times throughout a child's school life where I think parents should prioritise school above all else, even without the presence of autism. Leaving schools and starting schools are some of those times.

With the added issues you have to deal with, it's almost a no brainer, and I'm sorry that you will have added pressure on you over this wedding.

[Bearbehind]

woowoo do you honestly think that missing an extra curricular activity (it's a weekend wedding) is more important than missing your sisters wedding?

[fluffyraggies]

Have you a trusted friend who could have DS for a day? Maybe you could attend the wedding and then go straight back home. Tell family you just don't want his routine upset at this time.

(sorry if that's an utterly stupid sugestion. no experience of a child with autism)

[WooWooOwl]

To me, missing my sisters wedding would be horrible.

To either of my children, missing their Y6 leavers party would have been horrible. Especially if it were to go to a wedding, as apart from mine, they've never particularly enjoyed any of the weddings they have been to.

I'd put my children over a sister who couldn't consider her nephews big life events when planning her own.