To be upset re having to tell MIL I'm pregnant before we tell my parents?

[Orlea]

I'm about 8/9 weeks along, haven't had first midwife appt yet (tomorrow), let alone first scan (two weeks away). I've posted before about DH wanting to tell his mum I'm pregnant almost as soon as we found out and me not wanting to tell anyone at all, including my parents, til I was a good bit further along. We wanted to tell both sets of parents face to face rather than phone, and are going to tell them to keep it quiet until after the first scan.

I would rather have kept it quiet all round til the scan, i.e. another two weeks, but as my parents live a long way off and we're only going to see them this weekend and won't see them for another month or two after that, we're telling them then, i.e. Friday night. We agreed that we'd tell MIL at 'about' the same time, and more specifically agreed, without me twisting DH's arm or anything, that we'd tell my parents first for various reasons (not least because I'm the one who's all overly emotional and hormonal and needy pregnant, not him, and I want to tell my parents first as they are more important to me than MIL, who is lovely, but we aren't close). If it were at all possible to tell them at exactly the same time, we would have, but it's logistically impossible.

So I am upset as DH has just arranged (as in, in the last half hour) for MIL to visit tomorrow night, which means she will be told before we see my parents (DH's words: Mum's coming to stay tomorrow night so we can tell her then). This is #1, I'm nervous, scared, worried etc, and feel like DH has deliberately arranged MIL to visit before we see my parents, just to get in there first...

I'm struggling to articulate how I feel more clearly than just 'upset' - slightly cheated, slightly side-lined (both myself and for my parents), jealous as MIL always gets preferential treatment (not her fault for the most part), like DH is stealing the thunder of telling my parents by getting in first with MIL... It does feel like DH is trying to 'win' by getting in first. I know I'm probably overreacting but it is important to me and I am quite upset. AIBU or just hormonal and therefore U (and if so will it stop? Please?!)? Honestly, if I could stop feeling like this about something that probably isn't a huge deal and get over myself, I would, but I'm struggling! I've been quite up and down this week anyway but feeling really upset at this right now, and probably blowing it out of all proportion, but... Should perhaps point out that as MIL lives a lot nearer and is a lot younger, she will be much more involved and sees us a lot more often anyway, so if there was a time to put my parents first, this could have been it.

So AIBU to be upset about having to tell MIL first, and/or pissed off and upset that DH has engineered things to happen this way? And if IABU, please tell me how I can stop feeling like this!

[Sillybones]

Just phone your parents and tell them.

[LucyBabs]

Yes stop stressing, the hormones do abate.. Eventually

Phone your parents now and then tell mil when she arrives to stay

[SinkOrGin]

YABU - unless you were going to invite MIL to be there to tell her at the same time as your parents, YOUR parents would have got preferential treatment - how is that fairer?

[Rauma]

phone your parents and tell them, ask them to keep it quiet for now. That's what we did, my wife told her folks straight away after the scan whilst I told mine. It's not a big deal who knows first as long as they can keep it quiet long enough for you to inform the people you WANT to be the ones to tell.

It's your body, I'd say woman gets to say who's told first!

[cathpip]

Phone your mum and tell her now, and for what it's worth IMO Yanbu.

[FannyFifer]

Ring your mum & tell her, it's your mum. Your DP sounds pretty petty tbh.

[SooticaTheWitchesCat]

Why don't you just phone your parents and tell them? then there is no problem.

[JabberJabberJay]

YANBU.

My ex insisted on telling his mum that I was pregnant before I had told mine. I know it's a little thing really but it wad something I really wanted to share with my mum before it became common knowledge. Plus, I was uncomfortable because it was another example of his controlling wanky behaviour. Is your ex controlling in other ways too OP?

Please just phone your mum now and tell her. Why should you do what he says? If you didn't want to csuse upset you could always ask her to keep it quiet until you see her to officially announce it.

[OneMoreThenNoMore]

Congratulations

Why not just phone your parents to tell them, if you really want them to know first?

Fwiw, when I was pregnant with dc1, we didn't tell anyone (except my boss for h&s reasons) until after the first scan. We rang both sets of parents in the car on the way home. It was really lovely to have our little secret for those first few weeks.

[JabberJabberJay]

Sorry for the typos.

[shakinstevenslovechild]

I wouldn't tell either set of parents. I'd wait for the scan, copy the photo, then put them in a card with a little note and let Royal Mail decide who gets to know first

But I kept my last pregnancy a secret for nearly 6 months because I couldn't be bothered with the fussing and hassle so I might not be the right person to advise you

[SanityClause]

You seriously are blowing this out of all proportion.

I do remember having hormone related tantrums when I was pregnant, and afterwards thinking "What was that all about? "

I think, perhaps, this might be the case, here?

[AWUGAAWUGAlookoutitsaMAN]

FWIW about 80% of the insensitive stuff I do is totally off my radar completely, perhaps DH is the same.

[AWUGAAWUGAlookoutitsaMAN]

^ totally AND completely.

[MaryWestmacott]

Phone your parents and tell them.

however, if you feel your DH puts your MIL's feelings before yours, this doesn't bode well for when the DC arrives, he will have to realise that you are the one who is going to give birth and visiting the baby also involves visiting you .

[Floggingmolly]

It really doesn't matter...

[dreamingbohemian]

Can you skype with your parents? That's like calling but you can see them, so almost like being in person.

I understand where you're coming from, in that I also tied myself in knots at the time about who to tell first and how, etc. But in hindsight, it really doesn't matter. Everyone will be happy and there's no point using joyful news as some kind of symbolic point-scoring (that goes for your DH too of course). A lot of it is hormones but try to nip it in the bud now, otherwise it will just go on and on -- who gets the first call when you're in labour, when the baby comes, who gets to visit first, whose gifts does the baby wear first... it will be neverending unless you put it aside consciously.

[eurochick]

My PIL knew before my parents. We waited until after the scan to tell both sets, and I wanted to tell mine in person, so we waited until the weekend when we saw them. Mr euro told his (who live abroad) over the phone between the scan (monday) and the weekend. I was fine with it but didn't let my parents know that they were basically the last to know!

[SpottyDottie]

Do you have a poor relationship with your MIL? It sounds like you resent her. How does she have preferential treatment? Is it because she lives nearer and that your parents don't they seem to miss out on things?

Unless you are all together in the same room, then one set of parents will be told before the other. This is your DH's baby too, and so unless she is a complete dragon then somehow you are going to have to reconcile that she may see the baby more than your parents but this is down to logistics rather than 'want'.

As other posters have suggested, perhaps you should ring your parents with the news. Or if they use it, you could Skype??

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

YABU and silly

[ISingSoprano]

I mean this in the nicest possible way but in the grand scale of things does it REALLY matter who gets told first? My children are teenagers now and I honestly cannot remember who got told first. It really is not that important to get so worked up about.

Congratulations on your pregnancy - I hope it all goes smoothly.

[HadABadDay2014]

It really doesn't matter.

But why not put your mum on load speaker while MIL and tell them both at the same time.

[Viviennemary]

I think you should be the one to decide if you and your DH can't agree. I'd just phone my Mum and tell her. Does it really matter who knows first. I don't think I could get too distressed about this.

[MrsCosmopilite]

You're getting stressed over nothing.

Do the scan. Tell both lots of parents by phone afterwards.

[AMumInScotland]

I think you are actually upset because you feel this has become something where your husband has to 'win' even though you have strong feelings about it.

So, he seemed to listen, seemed to agree with you, and is now steam-rollering you into doing what suits him over your wishes.

Is this something you often feel in your relationship? If so, I think you need to challenge him on it, and stand up for your right to an equal say in this relationship - it will be difficult when the baby arrives, so better to start now.

OTOH, If you don't normally have these worries, then maybe it's just the hormones making you feel more sensitive than usual, in which case just give your parents a phone and don't worry about it.