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AIBU?

Maintenance and OH ex...

176 replies

Weathergames · 20/02/2014 20:46

Have NC as this may out me.

Been with OH 4/5 yrs we both have DC. None together. OH in forces when not away we have his DC every other weekend (unless his ex arranges other things to do with DC another thread).

He pays what I consider generous maintenance (more than my ex pays for my two) and drives over 1000 mile round trip every time we have his DC (he is based at opposite end of country to where his ex moved when she left him). Costing us prob £400 a month.

We also buy shoes, uniform, other things when we see they need them and he's paid for swimming lessons, school trips etc.

Ex will also get 1/2 his payout when he leaves forces (they were married 3 yrs he has been in 25).

She has asked for more maintenance (she gets £350 a month, works and receives housing benefit, tax credits). OH cannot afford to pay more as he contributes to our home here (where he brings his DC) pays for petrol, and for his room on base.

If she goes to the CSA he will prob have to pay more as petrol and other thinfs mentioned above are not taken into consideration.

I have said to him maybe offer £400 and appeal to the better side of her nature and explain about the petrol etc taking a softly softly approach. I am pretty sure she wants £500. I have said to contribute less here to afford it.

He says that won't work (they are both incredibly stubborn hence the divorce) she is to be fair quite materialistic and terrible with money (and the kids are always in falling apart clothes while she often wears labels - not that it is any of our business what she spends her money on) and has gone ballistic says he is going to dig his heels in and refuse to have the kids more than once a month and generally dick her around (trying to get through to him you will also be dicking your kids around :( ).

I am hoping it is his rage talking as I can only see the kids losing here (on what is atm a very stable happy arrangement for them). Please can someone suggest how I might support/advise him so we can compromise without him walking away from his DC or his DC being placed in the middle of a battle zone.

TIA.

OP posts:

Report

Weathergames · 20/02/2014 20:49

Sorry that was incredibly long .

OP posts:

PikaAchooo · 20/02/2014 20:52

I assume there is no contact order in place?

Weathergames · 20/02/2014 20:53

No - you can't with forces.

OP posts:

justtoomessy · 20/02/2014 20:53

The CSA do take into account petrol although its not much. She also won't get half of his pay out either. I think it works out about around the pay out will be split into years and she will get 1/4 of what 3 years is worth but less if she continued to work while they were married and if she paid into her own pension.

If she moved then she should actually do half the travelling or pay half. I think he needs to get a better solicitor really. Have you worked out what he would actually pay via CSA. Maybe if he didn't mess around with contact she might me more easy going. My ex fucked me around with contact and it is the most frustrating thing going and guarantee'd to send people round the bend.

Perfectlypurple · 20/02/2014 20:54

Are you sure she will get half his pay out? My dhs ex gets half of his monthly pension for the years they were married while he was serving.

No other advice. The ex in our case is unreasonable too.

SaucyJack · 20/02/2014 20:54

How many DC do they have? Asking as it's highly relevant to whether it's reasonable for her to ask for more maintenance.

Weathergames · 20/02/2014 20:55

She will get half his payout it was agreed in the divorce.

He NEVER messes her around with contact - she messes HIM around.

OP posts:

justtoomessy · 20/02/2014 20:55

Yes you can have a contact order with the forces as I have one. I think he may be fibbing to you about some of this.

Weathergames · 20/02/2014 20:55

2

OP posts:

justtoomessy · 20/02/2014 20:55

Oh sorry I misread it.

Perfectlypurple · 20/02/2014 20:56

He isn't messing around with contact. He has reached the end of his tether and feels like doing that. Its the ex messing about with contact.

Weathergames · 20/02/2014 20:56

His solicitor told him he can't have one because of his job (I was there).

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KarenBrockman · 20/02/2014 20:57

If he is paying the CSA minimum and paying huge maintenance he has plenty left to spend on you I am sure. which is probably your main issue

justtoomessy · 20/02/2014 20:58

I also think he must have had a very rubbish solicitor if she gets half his payout when he leaves if they were only married for 3 years!!!

2 kids is 20% of his pay so depending on his rank it may cost him more. My ex pays out 20% of his wages I get £213 and so does his wife before me so £426 pound and thats a SGT wage.

Weathergames · 20/02/2014 20:59

karenbrockmen

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justtoomessy · 20/02/2014 20:59

Honestly his solicitor is shit! I have a contact order and ex is in forces. he also has one for his eldest child too and she lives in N.I.

I know a fair few people who have contact orders and are in the forces.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 20/02/2014 21:01

I think he should absolutely pay the CSA rate, and he should try to maintain contact as much as he is able to

But if he can't afford extras/uniforms/clubs then that he where he can cut down his outgoings

He may prefer to spend money on them as and when he feels it benefits them but the most important thing is that he pays the minimum CSA level of maintenance

Weathergames · 20/02/2014 21:01

I agree justomessy.

He's not army so difficult to calculate.

I went on the online calculator (did not include kids in this household) and it worked out about £96 per week.

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Philoslothy · 20/02/2014 21:01

I could not live with a man who took out his frustrations on his children and tried to pay them the minimum.

Weathergames · 20/02/2014 21:02

Atm he spends Moreno petrol than maintenance and we cannot bring down that cost - that's our problem really.

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Weathergames · 20/02/2014 21:03

More sorry.

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PikaAchooo · 20/02/2014 21:05

I assume she wouldn't be willing to help out with meeting halfway for the handover?

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Weathergames · 20/02/2014 21:06

philisiothy he has taken nothing out in his kids. He's just frustrated as has driven 20 hours every other weekend to see his kids for 5 years and is in debt from spending so much money on petrol and maintenance.

OP posts:

Weathergames · 20/02/2014 21:07

She doesn't drive .

I sometimes take time off work to get them to take the lressure off him as obvs he's quite tired and grumpy when he arrives sometimes and its the only time I see him too.

OP posts:

KarenBrockman · 20/02/2014 21:09

If he is struggling with money, can he change his priorities to focus his income on his children and pay for less towards entertaining you OP, so he has not got so much debt?

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