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My DP thinks we should go to a wedding abroad when our baby will be 1 month old...

(179 Posts)
eepie Fri 03-Jan-14 21:57:51

The other night my DP said we've been invited to one of his very good old friend's weddings in the south of france in August next year. Our (first) baby is due on July 2nd but obviously could be late so our baby will be tiny and I think we'll still be getting into the swing of being new parents (and me being a new Mum, hopefully breastfeeding etc).

So, I said "Oh ok, well maybe we could go, depending on how the baby is doing, how I'm feeling after the birth etc, and depending on if we can afford it at the time" and he was like "Yeah, or maybe I can just go for a few days" as if that wasn't a big he was a completely separate entity and not part of the new 'family'. I don't know if I'm being ultra-sensitive because of pregnancy hormones but my immediate reaction was "Er, no.... I don't want to be left at home with the baby whilst you go to a wedding in the south of france!" .....As in...I want us to be a team/a family - either we all go together or not at all.

Obviously I may feel differently when the baby comes - ie. more confident, and could maybe manage with some help from my Mum for a few days whilst he is away. But I heard that your emotions will be up and down after the birth, and I will maybe still be bleeding a bit or recovering? But it's more that I don't want to feel that he's just checked out of his responsibility as a new Dad & I don't know why he'd want to miss 3 or 4 days of our new baby's life (as in, it won't be newborn forever and we should cherish the first few months). At the moment I feel like he's being a bit irresponsible to think it'd be no problem for him to go on his own...I felt like he was having a bit of a 'single guy' attitude - as in not putting his new baby and me, a new mum, as the first priority. But rather it's more important that he has fun at his friend's wedding. Am I being unreasonable ? Is it normal for the new Dad to go and do things separately from his new little family so early on? We could go and visit his friends when the baby is a bit older....It's just so soon after the birth..

lilyaldrin Fri 03-Jan-14 22:00:09

YANBU, I don't think going on holiday alone a month after you have a baby is reasonable behaviour for a father hmm

Anyway, even if the birth is super easy I doubt you'll be able to get the baby registered and apply for a passport for you all to go within 6 weeks.

Annunziata Fri 03-Jan-14 22:00:38

Your DP is mad, YANBU.

OneUp Fri 03-Jan-14 22:02:31

I don't think YABU.

Could you ask him to wait until after the baby has been born to make a final decision on whether any of you can go?

In general I don't think men really realize what having a baby will be like until the baby is already here. You'll probably still be bleeding at a month post birth, or at least I was.

CrohnicallySick Fri 03-Jan-14 22:03:08

YADNBU. If baby was late and a c section, you might not be fit to fly. There's also the practicalities of getting baby's passport in time, and as you mentioned getting breast feeding established takes time.

FirstStopCafe Fri 03-Jan-14 22:03:57

YANBU. I had intended to go to a good friend's wedding in the UK, 3 hours away from me, when ds was 3 weeks old. We didn't make it. I ended up having a c-section and wasn't up to travelling. There is no way I'd contemplate going abroad so soon after birth and wouldn't want dh to leave us either

GirlWithTheDirtyShirt Fri 03-Jan-14 22:04:15

Is it a good friend? If so, I would send him off with a smile. And if you're all able to go, all the better. BUT, I'm one of those parents who doesn't think life just stops because you have a baby.

MrsArthurWellesley Fri 03-Jan-14 22:05:05

I think you might struggle to get a passport in time, what with the baby possibly being late and you needing some recovery time. So I wouldn't plan to go with the baby.

As for DP going alone, that's difficult to say. If you end up with a c section you may still be in a lot of pain and having difficulty moving around easily. Or you may have a straightforward vaginal birth and feel great (but tired) after two weeks. It's really impossible to predict and even if you decide now that DP can go, you might feel differently after the baby is here.

Personally, I wouldn't want to commit to it now, not knowing how things would go. And it would be unfair on the happy couple to leave them hanging if its a very formal wedding and they need numbers etc.

callamia Fri 03-Jan-14 22:05:15

You're going to struggle to get a passport for the newborn, so I don't think you'll be going...

It sounds like he is massively underestimating the demands of a new baby. Lots of people think that a baby can just it in with their plans, and get a bit of a reality check when the exhaustion, unpredictability and bewilderment arrives. Maybe your mum can help you out, but I doubt that he'll want to go once the baby is born.

OOAOML Fri 03-Jan-14 22:05:21

I was still bleeding at a month post partum both times (c section and natural birth). With the section I was in a lot of discomfort (not everyone is, but then you don't know until you're in that situation) and DH did a lot of the lifting for me.

You may give birth on time, and breeze through the whole thing, you might not. You might be perfectly able to cope without him, and relish the peace, you may not. I really think this is a decision that you (both of you) can't take until after the birth, and good friends should understand that.

AuntPittypat Fri 03-Jan-14 22:06:23

Hmmm, I think I'm going to go against the grain here... I don't think you are BU at all to feel like this, but I equally think that if the friend getting married is really a very good and very old friend and especially if you have the option of having your mum to stay then you'll be fine without DP for a couple of days a month post birth (barring any complications).

DontmindifIdo Fri 03-Jan-14 22:06:28

well the baby won't have a passport, so you and the baby can't go. For a lot of men, until the baby has actually arrived, they don't make the mental shift to responsibility and being a family. IME woman make the shift within a few days of finding out they are pregnant, and certainly long before the baby arrives, but men tend to do this once the baby's actually in front of them.

While he could go, but I would point out that if you've had a csection, you might not be able to walk far, lift things or drive, you might need him to be around. (It's one thing coping during the day when he's at work if he can pick up the shopping needed on the way home or pick up anything you dropped on the floor in the day that evening, if you have to just cope for nearly a week, it could be hard)

I would suggest you say not to buy tickets or book any non-refundable accomodation until the baby has arrived and you know what sort of birth you have had, rather than risk wasting it. If he has to book it then, he probably won't. If he's already booked and paid for it, it's more tempting to go even if then he doesn't actually want to.

GirlWithTheDirtyShirt Fri 03-Jan-14 22:06:28

Actually. Sorry. That sounded rude. What I meant is, I don't think it necessarily has to be impossible - life continues when you have a child and sometimes it can be fun!

elQuintoConyo Fri 03-Jan-14 22:06:38


Could your DH spend a few days hours with a 1mo this weekend? See just how rubbish either of the proposed scenarios are?

You'll be bleeding for about a month. I couldn't sit down even remotely comfortably for about 6 months (forceps). Not to mention if you end up with emcs. You'll still be getting bf established and will perhaps still lack.confidence to whop your boobs out in front of other people - and end up in ypur hotel room every hour as hungry!

The list is endless... yanbu. Silly man!

HorraceTheOtter Fri 03-Jan-14 22:06:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3bunnies Fri 03-Jan-14 22:06:49

As lilyaldrin said you probably won't be able to get a passport organised in time, especially if you are overdue. Can take 1-2 weeks to get appointment to register the birth then up to 6 weeks for first passport at that time of year. You won't want the stress at that time. Fairer on bride & groom to either both decline now or just send dh.

joanofarchitrave Fri 03-Jan-14 22:07:00

I certainly think YADNBU about the practicalities of it all, but I shouldn't think your DP is being deliberately exclusive, he just hasn't got his head round the reality of a baby...

I would definitely say to him that you have felt he wasn't thinking at all about the fact that if he goes, it's not that you have been left behind and boo hoo, it's that suddenly you are looking after a baby and yourself 24/7 - his decision to go would mean him deciding for you what you would be doing for every minute he is away. It's true that it's impossible to know what the newborn stage will be like until it happens, but you can at least think about it!

TryDrawing Fri 03-Jan-14 22:08:01

My first baby was 2 weeks late. 2 weeks after this, I was still bleeding profusely from one end, leaking milk from the other, sweating, crying, smelling like cheese and generally assuming I'd failed as a mother. I did not have post natal depression; that is a totally normal way to be 2 weeks after giving birth.

You might be absolutely fine but, if you're not, could you take the extra pressure on top of what I've described? Make the decision you feel most comfortable with, that's the one you're least likely to regret. Best wishes.

By the way, being a mum is awesome. It gets better all the time. It's just that the first bit can be tough.

hippo123 Fri 03-Jan-14 22:08:07

You'll be fine, especially if you have family or friends around to support you. I would let him go personally.

Justforlaughs Fri 03-Jan-14 22:08:36

YANBU to feel how you do, but hand on heart I think (providing there are no complications) it will be fairly easy to travel with a very young baby - far easier than an older one, and I wouldn't have had a problem with DH going away for a night or too for a close friends wedding without me, if I didn't want to go. I wouldn't be happy if he was planning to go for a month or anything, but one or two nights should be ok. No harm waiting until after the baby is born for a final decision, but don't rule anything out.

DontmindifIdo Fri 03-Jan-14 22:09:05

oh and the baby won't have a passport because you can't apply for it until the baby is registered. Getting a registration slot can be anything between 2 and 6 weeks (DS was registered at 5 weeks, DD at 3). First passports take over a month. It's just not going to happen in time.

Bluestocking Fri 03-Jan-14 22:09:39

YANBU, but in a way, neither is he - he isn't pregnant, so he probably hasn't thought through all the breastfeeding/still bleeding/recovering from birth stuff - quite apart from probably not realising that your lives will have changed utterly by the time this wedding happens. Google "fourth trimester" for some great information about how the first three months of a baby's life should be treated like an extension of their time in the womb, and how mothers should be encouraged to take it super-easy during that time.

Bloodyteenagers Fri 03-Jan-14 22:10:10

I would send him. It wouldn't be an all or nothing situation.
He wouldn't even need to go for 3 or 4 days depending on the time of the wedding.
At a few weeks old, all they do is eat, maybe shit, cry and sleep. If you are wanting to bf, all his role will be is to change nappies and run around after you.
Just because you have a baby doesn't mean that life comes to a halt. Because it doesn't. He isn't running away from his responsibilities, he is wanting to go to a wedding of an old and dear mate. Nothing wrong with that.

GirlsonFilm Fri 03-Jan-14 22:10:26

We went to a family wedding in Greece when our first child was six weeks old, after an emcs, so it is doable. However we were staying with family which made it a very different experience from staying in a hotel.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Fri 03-Jan-14 22:11:13

He is being ridiculous.

Was this a serious suggestion? I can't believe he'd be so naive!

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