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to think we should inherite larger share of MiL property?

(261 Posts)
Jellybeanz1 Thu 12-Sep-13 12:55:45

I have been caring for my very nice but sometimes difficult MIL for 3 years in her large country house. I left my job p/t teacher and we sold our small London house to move in. Over the last 3 years we have done substantial work to the house let alone a ridiculous amount of de cluttering from 2 generations of hoarders living there (not kidding couldn't get into 3 rooms). My dh has to stay away 3 nights a week commuting to his old job. We have also prevented the house being sold for nursing home fees (she has dementia and is incontinent).
So when we just had the house valued to see what our options might be for the future I was very disappointed to hear my dh say half would go to the brother. He hasn't helped out at all and we lost money on our house in London as prices have returned to 7% increase. MiL's property is now worth more now as prices are picking up and all the work and effort we have put into it. I have just had argument with dh as I don't feel he is valuing my efforts and also depriving the children of their inheritance.
Aibu and greedy or should we/I be compensated. I have looked for a nice teaching job here but cant find one (2 interviews). I feel like I don't want to carry on with the loneliness, the burden of caring and managing this large house and garden( on my own most of the time ) if it wasn't to improve our financial position. After all the brother i L. is not spending all his time doing up the house and not being able to get away and is actually financially well off. I'm also worried I've messed up my career.

ModeratelyObvious Fri 13-Sep-13 13:19:42

I'm with Hester and CrapBag.

Op probably didn't know how wearing it would be,how long it would go on etc. And she is contemplating bringing MIL with them if they move, but is worried about the financial implications of doing that, extra bedroom on ground floor etc.

OP is a saint, in my view!

ModeratelyObvious Fri 13-Sep-13 13:24:16

And people saying that she is living there rent free - I'm assuming MIL isn't paying any rent although she only owns half, and OP's DH probably has accommodation costs during the week as he works away,

Jellybeanz1 Fri 13-Sep-13 14:05:24

Thanks so much MN'er for such good advice. Today has been lucky for me. Fishandjam Fairy Fourgates Hester Cravey Thymeout Flibbery etc. I will join the dementia society today as soon as I have posted this. Good advice about elderly thread and solicitors for proper legal advice. I didn't think that SS would probably want to take money back out, or bil if we couldn't carry on caring in the new home. I don't want my children to be forced out of their home so that will need rethinking.
Yes Cravey she does wander and we have alarms on doors and neck pendant but really she shouldn't be in the garden unsupervised as its steep. She did go wandering out in the snow in her slippers and dressing gown. My dd spotted her out of the window and said 'grandmas walking in the snow' that was a horrible moment. The alarms go off after the doors have been open a while. My private plan is to start to apply for jobs in the area I want to move to so that I'm out of the equation.

Fishandjam Fri 13-Sep-13 14:19:22

You could also try Talking Point on the Alzheimer's Society website (link above). They have helper moderators on there, who actively post advice. They certainly helped me a lot when my mum was first diagnosed.

ModeratelyObvious Fri 13-Sep-13 14:41:49

You don't need to have found another job. It is ok to say you do not want to do this anymore. It isn't going to get easier and will only get harder.

<hugs> to you, it must be hard.

YeahWhat Fri 13-Sep-13 14:51:28

If you do want to care for your MIL in your new home but only want to do it if you are rewarded financially ou must make this clear to your DH and DBIL NOW.
There is nothing wrong with wanting this but you must be honest and upfront.

You can be the most lovely caring and kind DIL ever AND still ask for financial compensation. These things should not be mutually exclusive. Your DBIL may be more than happy to do this.

You need to learn from the mistakes you have made with your current situation.

Personally, I couldn't do what you are doing sad I love me MIL but I wouldn't look after her even to protect any inheritance.

Abra1d Fri 13-Sep-13 14:57:46

I have some sympathy for you, OP. You don't want to end up with few assets for your own retirement and more vulnerable years.

Fair is fair and with less state provision for retirement in the future, women should make sure they don't lose out.

Loopylala7 Fri 13-Sep-13 15:22:07

I actually feel you are not being that unreasonable, it's a bit like the tail of the prodigal son. Even though he does diddly squat, mil wants to seem faire, but of course doesn't see who is really bothering to help her in everyday life. My nose would be a little out of joint too, but it's always a little tricky dealing with IL's, you can be more honest with your own family, but it's harder being honest about DHs family. I think the best thing you can do is rise above it, try and get more job interviews lined up and press on with your career. If you're working away from home DH may notice how much you were doing once it stops and have a word with BIL about pulling his finger out and helping.

hellymelly Fri 13-Sep-13 16:40:33

I thought a bit more about my earlier post, and I think the key thing is to take the emotion out of the situation, and just be pragmatic and practical. She needs care, you are happy to provide it at this stage, but would like to be financially compensated for the care and it to be treated like a job (which it is). Get all the advice you can legally, and draw up a clear plan between you, your DH and BIL. Plan for what happens if things change and she needs care that you either can't or don't want to provide. Have an open honest meeting where all three of you work out a plan that everyone can live with.

JustinBsMum Fri 13-Sep-13 16:41:11

It seems to be the norm that the females in the family do the caring and because neither elderly rellie or sons feel it is the males' role then the women are just expected to get on with it without any special reward or recognition.
So there is seldom any financial reward, certainly not from elderly rellies.

FixItUpChappie Fri 13-Sep-13 16:49:39

seems that the OP is doing most of the work and has given up a lot. No judgement here.

^^This. I hardly think the OP sounds vile what with providing care for her MIL at what seems like great personal expense. Why would she pay rent? They have moved in to care for MIL...I would think it natural that be rent free confused

Of course its not nice to talk about inheritance and wills before a person passes but the reality is OP is aware of this information and I can understand why its difficult to swallow when she has been such a key figure and this brother has done nothing. Maybe not nice to feel hurt, but human nature IMO.

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