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'Why did you have a baby with him then?'

(224 Posts)
AnneNonimous Sun 02-Dec-12 13:28:17

Who on earth decided this was an ok question to ask someone?

My DS's dad is a knob. If people ask about him they are told he is a knob. Why do some people think it is ok to then ask that question?! Do they seriously think I made a deliberate decision to have to have him in my life for the next 18 years?

I get it quite a lot and I have seen it on here a few times too. It is not helpful. For those that ask this you should consider yourself lucky that you didn't end up with someone that mistreated you and your child. Nobody chooses this situation for themselves.



Floggingmolly Sun 02-Dec-12 14:17:59

I would never have an abortion because I didn't like the father hmm
Maybe stop shagging random tossers you don't actually like?

TheNebulousBoojum Sun 02-Dec-12 14:19:21

I've known dozens and dozens of women who have had a baby with a twat and done a fantastic job of raising them because they prioritised the child's safety, security and emotional wellbeing above their own wants and that of the twat.
So all the decisions they made put the child's needs first,

WhatsTheBuzz Sun 02-Dec-12 14:19:46

ghostship you can presume whatever the hell you like about me... Who said it was a good thing to do? Good for you that you've never been naive or wrong about anything hmm

GhostShip Sun 02-Dec-12 14:20:03

My ex was a horrible cheating abusive twat. I fell pregnant by him, through no fault of my own since I was on the pill AND the implant. I lost the baby.
I would never, EVER have brought a baby willingly into the relationship. It was my choice to put up with his shit, I would have had no right bringing a tiny person into that hell hole. So why some women think it's okay, in the HOPE that'll it'll change him, I just cant accept it.

I don't think people should say though, why did you have a baby with him then, unless they know for sure he was a twat before the baby came.

MissCellania Sun 02-Dec-12 14:20:05

The signs are generally there beforehand. People pretend to be shocked but no-one turns from perfect to twat overnight.

GhostShip Sun 02-Dec-12 14:21:21

x post

whatsthebuzz - What am I assuming? You've defended it. Why would you defend it? We can't let naivety be an excuse for everything. Read my post above. I wa 16-20 when I was with my ex.

FestiveDigestive Sun 02-Dec-12 14:22:10

OP - Fair enough. But I have met women who would happily describe the father of their child as a knob (or far far worse) in front of the child. Or even TO the child, or to anyone that will listen, even if they don't know them well.. I think when someone is behaving like that, asking "Why did you have a child with him then?" is a question that might just pop out in annoyance.

To a close friend, obviously you will share the details of your relationship. But to anyone else you meet, surely just saying "It didn't work out" or "he's not interested in a relationship with DS" would cover it and then people wouldn't feel the need to ask why. Lots of relationships don't work out.

FestiveDigestive Sun 02-Dec-12 14:23:59

Similar to a man describing his ex (who is the mother of his child) as "a bitch" or something similar. It just seems incredibly disrespectful to the child, even if the man thinks it's true. I'm always wary of anyone who is happy to bad-mouth their ex in public.

WhatsTheBuzz Sun 02-Dec-12 14:25:09

Okay, at exactly which point did I 'defend' having a baby with someone in the hope that it would change them? What would you rather people did, told the women who do it that they're stupid bitches and deserve all they get?

KenLeeeeeee Sun 02-Dec-12 14:26:54

I get it about my ex all the time and it pisses me off more than you can believe. Firstly, his twattery didn't emerge 'til I was pregnant. Secondly, it was a surprise pregnancy & abortion is not something I could ever go through with*. It's not my fault that he couldn't face up to the challenges of parenthood like the rest of us do when a baby comes along.


* I fully support the right of women to choose termination, it's just not something I could do myself.

GhostShip Sun 02-Dec-12 14:26:59

WhatsTheBuzz - you were making excuses for the actions, thus defending it.

I didn't say we should call them stupid bitches. I just said its a fair comment.

SugarplumMary Sun 02-Dec-12 14:28:13

I'm another you thinks it but would never say it.

I know a fair few very intelligent women who’ve been cheating or endless rows or its obvious DP/DH has one foot out the door or they are both really unhappy. Next thing you know their pg.

This includes my own DSis – she is never free of the twat and he gets to mess their DC and her round at his will.

He cheated on her before pg and she found out – next thing she pg. He cheated during pg and straight afterwards with string of others – he was jealous of the baby, stops and starts contact at will pays no money for his DC upbringing, always looking to control or to have an argument. Love DN and Dsis but they have it hard.

Another friend had broken up – her bloke come round to pick stuff up they got back together for 5 days – during which they got drunck and had sex with no contraception – her words – and then she was pg. He was gone –drifted back in and out as it suits him– causes rows with her new DH.

In both those case they’ve ended up single working parents reliant of family and friends for help with childcare. It’s been bloody hard for them and not always easy on people round them.

VeryProbablyStupid Sun 02-Dec-12 14:32:05

Yunbu. I am a single parent who's ex is a knob. I didn't plan my pregnancy, and I also chose not to abort my son just because he was unexpected. I don't think anyone has the right to ask such a rude question without knowing you, your last and the reason for your choices. I hope every self righteous twat who asks this should have to deal with something dramatic, unexpected and life changing and then have to deal with people being rude as Hell about it. Arseholes...

WhatsTheBuzz Sun 02-Dec-12 14:32:35

Well, tbh, I think there are people in the world whose actions are less deserving of being excused than a woman who is unlucky enough to have ended up with a bastard and desperately hopes she can change him. Plus, if she believes SHE'S capable of looking after a baby, any judgemental fucker who asks her why she did should maybe just piss off and hope nothing ever goes wrong for them.

socharlotte Sun 02-Dec-12 14:33:44

..and WAIT a while before having a baby with someone new.It is much harder to hide twattishness for any length of time.I wouldn't dream of having a baby with someone I had only been with 6 months or a year!

OptimisticPessimist Sun 02-Dec-12 14:33:46

I think a lot of people don't really understand the dynamics in dysfunctional (and even abusive) relationships - I didn't until afterwards when I was able to look back objectively. Dysfunctional relationships aren't necessarily always bad - they often go through cycles of good times, bad times and big blow-ups that lead back to the good times. In every good time you end up thinking "this is it, finally we've sorted out our problems and everything's going to be fine now" and for a while it feels like that, until of course it all slips again and the bad times start again. I had three kids with my XP, all of them conceived in the "good times" when our relationship seemed and felt good. Of course, as I got older (I was a very naive 17-year old when we got together), wiser, more experienced and this cycle repeated over and over, I realised that it was never-ending, there was no "permanent fix", that even the good times weren't really good and so I ended the relationship. At the time my mindset was so very, very different compared to now, I know now it was stupid and reckless to have children with him but at the time it didn't seem that way at all.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Sun 02-Dec-12 14:34:47

i think there are people this question applies to (me) and people it doesn't.

i think most people have a good idea of who the person is/what they're like when they have a child with them.

obviously there are circumstances when this isn't the case, like ONS or unplanned pregnancies early in the relationship, or the partner completely hiding their true self until after the children are born, or mental illness occuring.

catgirl1976geesealaying Sun 02-Dec-12 14:34:59

I know a girl at the moment who is with a man and fears he may end it at some point

She is trying to get pg to "keep" him

This man left his first child and its mother to be with another woman who he left after 15 years and 2 more children to be with her.........

If and when she gets pg, I will think it. And when he leaves her and the baby for the next new model I will think it again. I won't say it though

PoppyAmex Sun 02-Dec-12 14:35:36

I think when you choose to talk about your private life and about your DC's father you open yourself to comments, so you can't really say it's no one's business.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Sun 02-Dec-12 14:36:37

having said that i would never ask someone that question. if it applies to them they've probably already asked it of themselves, and either way, the answer doesn't change the fact that children now exist and the best has to be made of a situation.

GhostShip Sun 02-Dec-12 14:37:30

Optimistic - I completely understand that, your situation sounds much like mine was. I was young, he was older, and the good times I thought were good, and the bad times horrific. I did think oh its going so well, maybe its time, but I ALWAYS had that niggling doubt in the back of my mind - and thank god I had.

Now I am truly happy, with an amazing man, I've realised those times I thought were good weren't actually good. They were just considerably better than the bad times.

Hindsights an amazing thing isn't it! I'm just lucky I was an over thinker and worrier!

I hope you're happy now smile

WhatsTheBuzz Sun 02-Dec-12 14:37:55

catgirl that's sad though. It's awful that someone could feel so insecure.

catgirl1976geesealaying Sun 02-Dec-12 14:39:49

I know..........I do feel sad for her sad

catgirl1976geesealaying Sun 02-Dec-12 14:40:43

And the other two women, and the children.

Adding another one to the mess seems a real shame to me sad

RabbitsMakeGOLDBaubles Sun 02-Dec-12 14:41:46

I just say now ... because sometimes even rational sane people do completely stupid things. I consider myself lucky because even though her dad is a knob that I got to have a wonderful daughter out of a silly mistake, other people aren't as lucky when they mess up in life. So I guess I can tolerate that wanker to ensure my baby is happy. Does that answer your question?

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