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To feel resenment towards well parents, while we're about to be made homeless

(302 Posts)
KinkyGerlinky Tue 18-Sep-12 19:35:03

Ok I know that I am likely being unreasonable, thread like this always end up in the OP getting flamed for expecting too much but I am hoping there may be some constructive advice too.

DH and I are 29 and we have 3 young DC. We both worked full time, saved like hell and managed to save up for a deposit just as the housing market locked down. We were still renting when we decided DH should go to uni to get a degree as he hit a glass ceiling at work and just couldn't move any further without one. I became a SAHM because we couldn't afford childcare on my wage alone. We get some housing benefit and pay part of teh rent ourselves. Last week our landlady told us she was selling our rented house (we've lived here for 5 years) and we have 2 months to find somehwere else....

The problem is that now neither DH or I are in full time work landlords won't accept us, the council have said it could take 8 years to get a council house but they are prepared to put us up in a homeless hostel until then... If DH leaves uni and gets a job we will never get a mortgage on his wage (they will lend us 30k if he had a 20k salary...) plus he is just about to start his final year so it would be wasted.

We are just worried sick, meanwhile my parents both own large 4 bed houses and neither have offered any help, aibu to be upset and resentful?

Midge25 Tue 18-Sep-12 19:38:52

How much of the situation are your/dp's parents aware of? Have you asked for help/support?

Northernlurkerisbackatwork Tue 18-Sep-12 19:39:02

I think you need to try and find a job that you can do whilst dh balances uni and childcare. If your parents live locally ask them up front for some help with childcare during this time. Then you can work and be more acceptable to landlords and dh can carry on with the degree. It won't be easy but it's possible. What did you do before for work? I assume you have some savings still to help with renal deposit etc?

AgentZigzag Tue 18-Sep-12 19:39:20

I would say to ask the if you need help.

And then you can come on here and complain about their answers grin

It's a worrying time though with three DC.

flyoverthegoldenhill Tue 18-Sep-12 19:39:57

I'm not being funny but are they aware that you need help ? Why don't you and DH try talking to them. They might be more than willing to help out.

AgentZigzag Tue 18-Sep-12 19:40:11

*ask 'them'.

flyoverthegoldenhill Tue 18-Sep-12 19:40:45

x posted with everyone !!

KinkyGerlinky Tue 18-Sep-12 19:43:10

I called them both in tears day we found out, they are fully aware of the situation. To be fair I'm not really sure what I expect them to do but I just feel so desperate at the moment.

Yes me getting a job may be an idea, I know it is pretty difficult to find anything part time at the moment but I will start looking.

msrisotto Tue 18-Sep-12 19:44:08

Why not look for something full time?

WorraLiberty Tue 18-Sep-12 19:45:50

You giving up work and him going to Uni because he couldn't get a pay increase was a massive step for a couple with 3 children to support.

Do you think your parents might not have agreed with yours and your DH's decision to do that?

KinkyGerlinky Tue 18-Sep-12 19:46:56

Because DH is starting his dissertation this year and will need time during the day to study as well as going up to uni (we don't know his timetable yet). Our youngest is 15 months old, another is at pre school part time and our eldest is at school full time.

aldiwhore Tue 18-Sep-12 19:47:23

I don't think you're unreasonable to feel a bit of resentment to anyone who has less worries than you as that is a normal human response, just remind yourself that this is YOUR life, and these are your problems. It also helps sometimes (when you're in that resentful mood) that there are many many people far worse off than you too. Just for balance!

Your parents probably worked hard for what they have, even though 'deserve' doesn't really come in to it.

You're on a hiding to nothing if you let these resentful feelings cloud your thoughts.

You're in a spot of trouble, its not really anything out of the ordinary and could happen to anyone who rents at any time. I can't offer much constructive advise other than to dedicate yourself to finding somewhere to live as soon as possible, even if its something fairly rubbish for the short term.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you find somewhere quick.

I will add that I was a SAHM for 8 years for similar reasons (made financial sense) and my DH's wages are very much feast or famine (self employed) we rent, and it was hard to find somewhere. My folks are not rich but there biggest worry is selling one house so they can do up the other they've already bought and it DOES get tedious to hear about it. I don't resent them though (even if I FEEL resentful at times) they made good choices, they worked hard, they are enjoying the fruits of their labour and good on them. My troubles are my troubles.

QuintessentialShadows Tue 18-Sep-12 19:49:33

I am sorry you are in this mess, but it seems to me that you have done some pretty odd choices.

What happened to the money you saved up for deposit? Is it still in your savings account?

How come two adults decided to both stop working at the same time, I dont get that. How old are your children, if you have been renting for 5 years, and your dh is in his final year of his studies?

Why did he not opt to study part time, so you could proceed with the house purchase and you did not have to leave work to look after your children?

rainbowinthesky Tue 18-Sep-12 19:49:41

I guess they would think that you have 3 dc and neither of you work. It's possibly not the greatest idea to have neither parent working in your situation and perhaps they think you both need to take responsibility.

KinkyGerlinky Tue 18-Sep-12 19:49:41

WorraLiberty - They really encouraged us to do it, yes it was a massive risk but we felt like we were going to be stuck in a long term rut if he couldn't get a decent job.

msrisotto Tue 18-Sep-12 19:49:52

If your partner could do child are part time, could your parents or in laws help the rest of the time?

QuintessentialShadows Tue 18-Sep-12 19:51:17

But would you not be stuck in another rut by taking a career break to look after children while he was studying? Was that not risky?

rainbowinthesky Tue 18-Sep-12 19:51:21

It sounds like as you say you took a risk and it didnt work out. Is there no way you can get a job?

QuintessentialShadows Tue 18-Sep-12 19:52:14

I just read that your youngest is 15 months old, you decided to have another child while neither of you were working?

RillaBlythe Tue 18-Sep-12 19:53:50

I don't get why you getting a full time job isn't an option?

Tweasels Tue 18-Sep-12 19:55:41

Sorry OP but whilst I admire the decision you both made for DH to go to Uni, I can't understand why you then left your job. Surely this is the cause of your problems, not your parents.

How have you been supporting yourselves so far?

WofflingOn Tue 18-Sep-12 19:56:31

I hope it works out for you and your children, but it does look as if you gambled and lost. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, it might have been better to have waited until your children were at school before choosing to do uni.
Can he negotiate doing his final year part time, so he can manage childcare as well whilst you get a job?
I do think it is very human to look at relatives in a comfortable position and feel envy. I'd ask if you could move into that lovely 4 bedroom house with your parents for a year.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 18-Sep-12 19:57:00

You seem to assume that no landlord will take you on, how many have you asked? Forget agents and so on, look on gumtree for flats rented direct from landlords. Your current ll can confirm you've always paid up on time, and give you a reference.

travailtotravel Tue 18-Sep-12 19:57:05

I think you have to look for full time work and look at child care. Many many do well with their dissertations while juggling family commitments, so think your DH can manage too. It is after all about keeping a roof over their heads ...

KinkyGerlinky Tue 18-Sep-12 19:57:25

Because DH is at uni full time, I would only get minimum wage which would not cover child care, if I was working full time we would get no housing benefit so all of my wages would go on rent, it's frustrating.

Maybe I am wrong though, I will go to the CAB and find out.

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