to feel uncomfortable about my sister drinking whilst pregnant?

[thatisall]

Actually uncomfortable is an understatement, it really upsets me.
My sister is pregnant with her 3rd child and has smoked and consumed alcohol throughout her previous two pregnancies.
I have never smoked and although I know its terrible for unborn babies, I don't feel I can pass comment on it, as I have never experienced a smoking addiction. The alcohol however is a different matter.
I know some people have the odd drink during pregnancy, but I didn't drink at all: can't she at least keep try??
I probably sound high and mighty saying that, but my sister isn't having the odd glass, she is getting 'fall over' drunk!!
She has been told that her baby is dangerously small and the local ante-natal unit have taken measures to help the pregnancy continue and yet she drinks like a fish and smokes like a chimney.
The baby was planned, so it isn't a case of her not wanting him/her.
In my opinion her two dd's do show some of the symptoms of foetal alcohol syndrome and I am so worried about this.
Our mother is flaky to say the least and would never say anything for fear of rocking the boat.
Is it my place to say something?
I feel like someone needs to protect this baby?

[HalfPastWine]

Have you any idea why your sister drinks so much? Have you tried talking to her?

[WipsGlitter]

You could phone the NSPCC helpline. What's her general care of her children like?

[MrsTerryPratchett]

This is an impossible situation. Getting falling over drunk while pregnant is dangerous, as is smoking. However, I bet she knows all the risks so you won't be telling her anything she doesn't know. All you can do is change as much of your behaviour as you want. You can tell her that you won't drink with her, or that you will leave if she is drinking. Other than that, I don't know what you can do.

[tartyflette]

it sounds like she has a definite problem with alcohol, and the baby is at risk of being born with foetal alcohol sydrome. Has she heard anything about that? If she hasn't there is lots of information about it on'tinterweb.

[BonkeyMollocks]

I don't think there is much you can do, apart from make sure she is informed fully about the damages she could be doing to her unborn child.

At the end of the day if she doesn't want to stop, she won't.

Is there a reason she drinks so much? Are her children ok? Looked after properly?

[manicbmc]

Could speak to her midwife?

[LittleMissMcFartyPants]

yANBU

Have you tried talking to her?

[Scheherezade]

Yanbu that is inexcusable.

[featherbag]

I came on here to say YABU, mind yer neb, but having read your post, YADNBU and what your sister's doing is sad and inexcusable, but I really don't know what you can do about it. Maybe ring your local maternity unit and ask them for advice, if there are agencies you can speak to who may be able to help you help your sister?

[bobbledunk]

Tell her the truth, she is a selfish cow who is potentially condemning her child to a lifetime of disability because she considers her alcohol more important. If she was a decent person she wouldn't have purposely gotten pregnant knowing the risk she was going to expose her child to. She's a nasty person and a terrible mother.

If any of us attacked somebody leaving them permanently disabled/sick we would go to prison for gbh and only a few idiots would be feeling our pain as if we were the true victim, the only difference is this nasty person is attacking her baby every day and she will get away with it.

Call ss and tell them everything, hopefully her child if it survives, can be adopted out to someone who will actually give a flying fuck about them. Same for her other kids, she doesn't deserve them and they deserve a lot better than her.

[lolajane2009]

poor babies. yanbu.

[RevoltingPeasant]

How hard

I think it depends massively on how close you are to her. With any of my DSis, we are close enough and they are reasonable enough that I could risk angering them by saying something.

Do you think she would listen?

I have to say, even if she wouldn't, I think I would calmly say pretty much what you have said here and then ask her if she wants help.

She is quite likely to tell you to eff off but I can't see anything more effective you can do, and if in the future she realises she has a problem she might remmber that and come to you.

Not much use, I'm afraid...

[RevoltingPeasant]

bobble You realise she might be an alcoholic and unable to help herself? It certainly sounds like it to me.

[steben]

yanbu - this is very dangerous and surely health professionals need to be informed here? How dies she look after DDs if she is falling down drunk (nevermind the smoking which is also bloody awful). I agee with Featherbag I was going to say chill out it is ok to have the odd drink but this goes well above and beyond that. Good luck to you - what a horrid situation to be in.

[MizK]

YANBU.

God that sounds horrid, I'm not sure how you could intervene though. Is it a Social Services matter? Maybe they could give her support to stop drinking or smoking - if she can't stop getting drunk during a pregnancy, her alcohol problem probably goes pretty deep.
I think you have to try because this baby is your family - and you say the older two show signs of foetal alcohol syndrome?
Jesus, I hope if I ever did something as irresponsible my (lovely) sisters would be there to step in and try to make me see sense. You afre not being mean or vindictive or interfering, you are rightly worried about the baby.
Good luck, I hope you can get through to her. And the baby is lucky to have an aunt who is so concerned, your mother should get herself involved also.

[bobbledunk]

revoltingpeasant; that would be tragic if she hadn't PURPOSELY gotten pregnant knowing the damage she was going to do.

[thatisall]

I am close to my sister but.....we differ greatly on our parenting styles. I'm not a shouting sort of Mum...she is. I am a working Mum...she isn't. I don't smoke...she does. I know that she is intimidated by my lifestyle if that makes sense...and I hate that. We're different but that doesn't mean that she's any less of a mother than me.
If I say ANYTHING to her about it, she will take it as an attack.
I've spoken to Mum, but she isn't going to say anything.
I worry that speaking to her dp might be overstepping the mark? I don't know what to do.

[thatisall]

I don't have a huge amount of experience with alcoholism, but always thought that alcoholics drank every day, which she doesn't. She does binge drink though and I am aware that she has due that every weekend for at least the last 4 weeks.

[BonkeyMollocks]

What does her dp think?

If he doesn't know you need to tell him! Its his child too (I'm assuming) .

[manicbmc]

If she was thumping her kids and potentially damaging them, would you say anything to her or to professionals?

It's the same thing. She is damaging her child.

[MadamFolly]

YANBU :(

Talk to her DP, he may not know how bad it is.

[SardineQueen]

The drinking goes in the same category as the smoking I'm afraid, sounds like she might be dependent. Alcoholism doesn't have to mean all day every day or even every day.

That said what is going on is no good but I don't know what to suggest.
If her previous children have symptoms of FAS ie facial characteristics etc then surely it will have been picked up on by HCPs?

I don't know what to suggest.

Thing is that I suspect whatever anyone says to her she's not going to stop. It's not like she doesn't know it's totally the wrong thing to do and her baby is small and she knows that, the midwives will have explained about risk factors and so on... I just don't know that there's anything you can say or do that will make any difference.

[shockers]

Children with FAS are rarely diganosed unless diagnosis is pushed for by a parent or SW, so unless it is glaringly obvious facially, they are unlikely to receive any support, even though it impacts on behaviour, learning and health.

The children that do have a diagnosis tend to be those in the care system or who have been adopted. What parent would push for it to be known that they had willingly contributed to the risk of permanent damage to their child's brain?

Please try to get through to your sister that once the damage is done, it is irreversible.

I speak as the Mother of a child with FAS .