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to have told MIL about (soon to be ex) H and I?

(138 Posts)
ninja Tue 23-Aug-11 16:37:08

H decided in Jan that he didn't want to sleep in the same room as me so I moved into the spare room and later onto a mattress on the floor in the box room.

At the end of Feb he decided that he didn't want to be accountable to anyone and certainly not me and that we should separate. By that time he was being so nasty to me (I couldn't say or do anything right) that I wasn't sorry but did suggest trying counselling.

I came back from caming with the kids with Easter and he'd put an offer in on a house so I think his intention was quite clear and since then he's demanded half the value of the house plus other things - but that's another story.

Basically his Mum lives in Ireland and I assumed that when he went over to see her with the kids in May that he would tell her - but he didn't (DD1 didn't know at that point so I could understand to some extent). He was not keen on me telling my parents but as I've had to borrow money off them I had to and of course they've been supportive.

We told DD1 (8) a couple of weeks before the end of term and while of course she's been upset, she's been so mature about it and tried to look on the bright side. I paid H the money from this house in the middle of July, for some reason he didn't complete for 3 weeks but the house is now his (even though he's still living here while he does some work on it).

He went to visit his Mum again last Thursday and took DD1 and DD2 (2) with him and as DD1 knew I assumed again that this time he would tell her, but when I spoke to DD1 she told me that she was finding it really hard keeping the secret shock I am so angry that he could put her in that position and sad for her as she clearly wants to talk about it. I did think well it's his decision though.

Today when I phoned up to speak to the kids she asked me what was going on. She said she could tell that something was up and he'd admitted we weren't happy but not said anything else (well he had told her that he was sleeping in the front room shock that he would lie like that, but...)

I said she should speak to him but she kept asking and I just couldn't lie so in the end I told her that we'd separated and he'd got a house. I also said that we were trying to be amicable for the kids, that we'd be close, he'd have them half of the time and that DD1 was being very positive and that we'd been getting on a lot better since (well that was a little white lie).

I do feel really bad, it wasn't my place to tell her but I couldn't keep lying. He'd actually invited her over to stay in October so I don't know what he was going to do - keep up the pretense and move in? Drive up to a different house and tell her then?

So I'm ready for you to tell me I should have minded my own business, interested to see if anyone else would have told..

HarrietJones Tue 23-Aug-11 16:39:00

YANBU he's had the chance & didn't take it.

TheOriginalFAB Tue 23-Aug-11 16:40:25

I am wondering why YOU moved out of the bedroom when it was him that had had enough.

YWNBU to tell his mother.

You sound like you are being a great support to your dd.

momobiker Tue 23-Aug-11 16:41:59

YANBU

HE WBU to ask your DD to keep a secret from her grandmother

freybean Tue 23-Aug-11 16:42:04

YANBU i would have said the same

Birdsgottafly Tue 23-Aug-11 16:42:17

It is your business, this affects your DD's and their relationship with their GM (if told that they have to lie to her). It is as much up to you as it is your ex as to whether you find your DD's lying to family members acceptable.

BecauseImWorthIt Tue 23-Aug-11 16:45:36

Why on earth shouldn't you have told her? He has no right to tell you who you tell anything - and he never did have, even when you were together.

ShoutyHamster Tue 23-Aug-11 16:47:35

Err, she is your childrens' grandmother and as such is a part of your family too. Sorry, it seems as if he conveniently wants to forget any and all obligations save those that suit him - but when it comes to things that YOUR children have to deal with, you are involved and have as much right to a say as him. He doesn't get to keep people in convenient little compartments like that. So, he had his chance, he decided to fuck around and as a result, the people involved are realising things are happening, getting in touch and talking about them - as people do. If he's going to try and deal with things by lying, he's going to find a lot more of that happening to him.

Don't be tempted to cover for him with his mum - I would probably take the approach of talking to her a lot more now, and not going through him, if she is friendly and he now has form for lying and playing people off against each other. Be honest with her, she'll appreciate it and you'll have an ally. I hope you got a fair settlement on the house etc. You're undoubtedly better off without him. Tell him that if he wants a nice even staus quo to continue, he'd be better placed not using your kids as pawns. Your daughter shouldn't be keeping secrets for him like that. A truly crap piece of fathering. Tell him to smarten up, realise she has a lot to deal with and grow up a bit, and stop messing around before he starts squandering goodwill with the wider family too.

Crosshair Tue 23-Aug-11 16:47:51

YANBU, I think you handled the situation really well.

ninja Tue 23-Aug-11 16:48:19

Thank you

FAB - the reason I moved out was that originally he said he would then asked if he could stay in the bedroom as it has a TV in it. I only thought it'd be for a short time as it has been before but .... I've moved back in while he's been away but haven't plucked up the courage to tell him yet.

The kids are coming back tonight (yippeeee) and I don't think MIL will say anything so I don't think I've managed to make it any easier for DD1 sad

diggingintheribs Tue 23-Aug-11 16:52:18

If you've given him half the value of the house then it is yours to do with as you like - is his name still on the deeds?

Oh, and YANBU, you were actually very diplomatic!

ninja Tue 23-Aug-11 16:52:22

Thanks Shouty - I will tell him what I think of poor DD having to keep a secret, she's been so amazing about the whole thing. He doesn't seem to realise that talking about things helps (and as he works in mental health he should!!)

His Mum has asked if she can ring to keep up to date, which I've said is fine. We get on really well even if it took us a couple of years to find common ground. She also said she didn't know how I'd put up with him for so long blush. Maybe all this was what he was afraid of ....

squeakytoy Tue 23-Aug-11 16:52:38

I am just gobsmacked that you are still allowing him to live with you in what is now YOUR house. Kick the arsehole out.

HeifferunderConstruction Tue 23-Aug-11 16:54:07

I was wondering that to OriginalFab and the whole 'i'm in the living room stunt' to amke him look like he's been chucked down there

What a Fannywipe , and the pressure your daughter is under is horrible

It is not just his decision either, She lives in the same house and is going through this too, belive me it is often a worse ordeal for the kids in these situations.

He doesnt appear to be a nice man tbh I would confront him about the lies too, why did he put the house up whilst you were away like a clearly brave individual hmm

Can I come round and wag my finger at him lol

ninja Tue 23-Aug-11 16:54:38

Yes digger - the house is now MINE MINE MINE grin (so is the mortgage sad)

diggingintheribs Tue 23-Aug-11 16:56:36

Well then boot him out!

I know you feel this is kinder to your daughter but I think it would be kinder for her to settle into the new set up. Especially as school starts soon.

being amicable doesn't mean letting him do whatever he wants because you are worried about his reaction!

And get DD to help redecorate your bedroom!!

MadamDeathstare Tue 23-Aug-11 16:58:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ninja Tue 23-Aug-11 16:58:55

Heiffer he didn't sell ours - just put an offer in on another and then badgered me to give him half the value of our house so he could buy it.

Yes, it may have been the idea that she thought I'd chucked him out that made me crack and talk.

I know it's been hard for DD1 and I tried tio make sure that she could talk to whoever she wanted to (which often meant running around in front of her telling parents before she could tell the kids!!). She's been and will be so helpful to him in his new house and is trying to be so positive that I can't believe he made her do this. I just want to tell her how wrong he is but I can't do that........

ninja Tue 23-Aug-11 17:01:59

digger I really wanted all this to be sorted before DD went back to school. He's been curtailing my activities 'I've got a new house to sort you know' then goes away to Ireland for 6 days angry

We're all away in Wales next week when really he should be here sorting the house.

He's mot paying rent for bills or food and has yet to give me any money for childcare (childminder for DD2) although he says he will. So yes he's outstayed his welcome, I just keep thinking it'll end soon.

Good idea about DD helping me to decorate - she'd love that grin

LolaRennt Tue 23-Aug-11 17:03:41

What is he 12?? Oh don't tell mummy.

FFS I thought you had rung her out of the blue or something before he could do it, which would have been unreasonable. But DH was definitly the one BU this time!

HeifferunderConstruction Tue 23-Aug-11 17:04:37

"I just want to tell her how wrong he is but I can't do that......."

I don't see why not? I'm not gonna throws rocks at him but the way he has behaved is shameful, The WORST thing you can do is defend his behaviour you don't have to be scathing just be honest .

Have you mentioned the daughter issue to him??

WilsonFrickett Tue 23-Aug-11 17:04:47

Sorry, we're all away in Wales? Including XP? Have you split up or not?

diggingintheribs Tue 23-Aug-11 17:11:46

You are right not to throw rocks, FIL did this to DH and he now has a funny relationship with both parents. She will see it in time but at the moment she is too young to take that burden. He is ending his relationship with you not with her. Don't defend him but just stay neutral.

Also, wrt DD2 - don't underestimate a 2 yr old - she will need some TLC when he leaves and she must be affected by the atmosphere

But you have to end it - she needs to see you as independent of each other because that's what you are now.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Tue 23-Aug-11 17:15:11

So he hates you, he treats you like shit and you've given him half the house money so he was able to buy himself a house but he's still living with you - rent free - AND you are paying for his food etc - and cooking for him? cleaning for him? doing his washing? - please say no to all of those things!

While he does exactly what he wants, how he wants, when he wants? And he'll continue to stay in the home he is no longer contributing to, with a woman he has treated so badly, until it suits him to move out?

I'm sorry, but you are a massive, massive mug. I am not saying that to be mean, but love, you are lying down and inviting him to wipe his feet on you.

You say that this is for your children - but do you want to teach them this is the way to treat someone/be treated?

MigratingCoconuts Tue 23-Aug-11 17:18:15

You've been fab, really amazing... but its time to get assertive!!!

You can sleep where you like in your own house and he needs to move out..

You absolutely did the right thing....he is being a complete twunt.

Come over to 'relationships' sometime and you'll find he's one of a pack and that they all behave is a boringly predictable way (there must be some sort of twunt manual).

for instance...avoiding the harsh realities of sorting stuff out and leaving it to the wife they want to leave is very typical.

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