What did one person say to you that changed your outlook on life?

[bearlyactive]

I suppose I should go first...

They told me, after something bad happened to one of my relatives, that "the hole in your heart will never heal, but you'll learn to build yourself around it". I had been feeling hopeless up until that point, but it helped me change my viewpoint.

Anyone else?

That's a nice one.

Mine was very simple really. Due to a run of very bad luck, my outlook went from quite an upbeat one to assuming the worst was always going to happen.

Someone told me to change my "what if it all goes wrong" auto-reaction to "what if it doesn't?". It's very helpful.

That's lovely!

Bump

Anyone else?

I used to be very anti woman when I was younger. Very "I don't really get on with other other women, most of my friends are men, I'm not like other girls etc etc", you know the type. And then when I was about 21/22 I met a woman who was so unapologetically passionately pro woman, and it just changed everything for me. She would talk a lot about how much she loved women, how she loved having mostly female friends, how clever and interesting and funny she thought women were. Sounds tragic but I don't think I'd ever heard someone praising women as a group like that before, just a lot of language from women apologising for being female or distancing themselves from other women as a way of gaining status with men. It really shook me up into a new way of thinking. She and I became inseparable best friends for the next few years and then sadly life took us to different sides of the world and we lost touch. But she had a really profound affect on me, I'll always think of her as a kind of soul mate. I think if we ran into each other again tomorrow it would be as if we'd never been apart.

A teacher at my secondary school, he was saying how everyone had something to give to the world and that we could all achieve something someday. It was a very positive talk from a very warm and caring teacher. I was growing up in an incredibly abusive household, not always fed, sexual abuse, beatings. I had been nothing and he made me realise I could be something one day. I studied really hard even under those circumstances and managed to go to University as a mature student after working for a few years with money saved.

Someone at work in my early 20's told me always do the task you are dreading first or it would hang over you through all your other work. It applies to everything and I think of it often.

Also at 6th form college, our principal used to quote "all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well". (Julian of Norwich). Again I think of it in my darkest moments.

Don't be bitter darling, it shows on your face.

When I was about 7, a relative pointed out that I had rolls of fat on my stomach when I was sat down (I was a perfectly healthy weight, and was slouching a bit) to make someone else feel better about their 'fat' stomach. That's the exact moment I became self-conscious of my stomach and it's stayed with me ever since!

People are either radiators or drains (ie givers or takers). Once you work out which one a person is, you'll know exactly what to expect from them and act accordingly.

It's soooooo true.

It was a colleague and it was advice about work (I'm in an investigative role), but it resonates with me about life in general too.

'Don't think about all the things that could potentially have happened, think of what is most likely to have happened and start from there'.

It's good when I'm anxious.

That life isn't about being happy- it's not the end goal; that fulfilling your purpose won't necessarily mean being happy all the time.

I've never strived to be happy since. I strive to make an impact on the world, to help others and be a good person- if I am happy whilst doing it that's a bonus otherwise I expect that I won't always be able to put myself first and make myself happy if that would get in the way of the above.

I am generally quite happy having lived through some serious shit in the past but I don't think living a happy life is attainable so I find freedom in not striving for one.

When you are having a bad day look for one good thing that happens that day always, just little things.
E.g a car let's you cross the road, someone smiles at you etc

"You are more than your mistakes"

I am my own worst critic. I agonise over things I've done wrong, Some big things that I'm very ashamed of. But this reminds me that I am not one thing. I am not my mistakes.

Frankie Boyle for me. 'We are all just a bunch of highly evolved monkeys clinging to a rock that is hurtling around a star, and the rock itself is dying.'

Not as morose as it sounds. Essentially nothing matters; nobody will remember you in 150 years; so be what you want to be and stop worrying what others think. Dont dilute yourself to suit the rest of the world.

I remember my maths teacher explaining to us back in the 70s that she wasn't more intelligent than us, she just knew more.
It blew my mind! 😀

A song lyric "they say the darkest hour is just before the dawn". I think about this a lot.

Also Dahl writing how sunbeams show from the faces of people who have nice thoughts.

I personally say to my daughter everyday 'today will be the BEST day yet!' She happily skips off to class with a smile after I've said that, granted she is very young

"Speak to yourself as you would speak to your friends."

So often we are harsh on ourselves and mentally tear ourselves down or are negative about ourselves. But we would never dream of speaking to our friends like that. I build my friends up and encourage them and need to remind myself to think of myself in the same way.

Don't have a wishbone where a backbone should be.

Be brave. (So simple, but I don't think women especially are told this enough. I think we get advised to address our anxiety or try and gain confidence or work on ourselves etc etc, but sometimes you just need to be fucking brave and just do it/gather your courage and get through it/face whatever it is head on/sort it out yourself).

James Baldwin quote. I think about it a lot:
“Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.“

Mine is a bit different. It wasn't advice or a quote, but a lightbulb moment.

I was trundling along in a difficult marriage, difficult mainly because my husband was earning absolutely nothing for almost ten years in his "business" and yet he kept telling me to give him more time, the big deal was coming. He put me under pressure to let everyone else think he was the breadwinner.

I was skint, on maternity leave, frustrated, stressed and paying for everything as usual and there was no Plan B in his mind. His business was definitely going to work, no discussion allowed.

I met a single mum also on maternity leave and we got to talking about finances. I realised I'd be a bit better off financially alone, and that realisation allowed me to examine the marriage more critically. There were other serious issues.

I ended the marriage. I no longer have to maintain him, just my children, which is challenging enough. He is still earning nothing but it's not my problem to solve any more. I am much happier.

I don't tell the story in real life for fear of benefit bashing (I work full time but received some help with childcare initially as a single parent, something important I realised in the course of the conversation).
And although I ended up quite friendly with that mum, I've never told that the conversation with her she was pivotal in the process of me ending my marriage, in case it made her feel sad/ bad/ guilty/responsible.
You just never know who you're inspiring even in the most mundane conversations.

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends nose.

Aka. you control your actions, but you can't/shouldn't control others around you.

My mum told me this when I was a toddler and I still tell myself this in situations where it feels totally out of control, to remind myself that I can't be in control of everything all the time. It's helped me on many occasion.

You can’t control the behaviours of others but you can control your reaction to it.

This one little sentence has led to a much happier, peaceful and anxiety-free existence for me.

@PrincessWatermelon I love that way of thinking, I'm definitely going to adopt it.

I have 2 "moments". I was about 21, just finished uni and floundering about what to do. Strangely I hadn't been offered a job earning megabucks and was whinging about having to actually work in a shop...my pal told me that "the world doesn't owe you a living". From then on I have appreciated every job I've had and worked hard to be good at them.

As I've got older I've become considerably less tolerant of people who constantly think negatively so my motto is "if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem".

Choose your attitude.

Said to me by my manager when I was having a completely dire time in work, looking at all the reasons things weren’t working and saying we can’t control the people who walk through the door and never know what will be thrown at us that day (working with the public).
He said no, we can’t control that, but we can choose our attitude to it.

10 years later, he was absolutely right, and I’ve enjoyed my work so much more as a result. I remind myself of this most weeks. I doubt he had any idea what a difference saying that made.

But you are good enough, aren't you?

Was a break through moment in counselling. Those words, and coming to the realisation myself, was what saved me in so many ways.