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Got exactly what I wanted (own house) but feel miserable :(

(142 Posts)
Smyths Tue 30-Jun-20 10:03:58

I’m mid-20s and have been living in house shares for about 6 years (it was overall awful with lots of bullying and overly bossy, and often creepy housemates moving in who would use my stuff, get controlling over mundane things like bin rotas and I basically spent my entire 6 years there with all my stuff crammed into my room and spending 99% of my time in the house in my room. I also hated that it was renting (money down the drain) so always wanted my own place.

I have a partner of a year who I feel can get a little overbearing/bossy if around for prolonged time periods but he is very kind, devoted and fairly clingy. I’d see him a few evenings a week and most of the weekend.

Now, I finally have what I wanted - a small 3 bed house 10 miles away which I bought and it’s all mine. Despite this, every morning when I get up I feel a sense of loneliness and dread (I’ve been here for over 3 weeks now) - it’s like the grass is always greener.

I feel like a little old lady widow who is just living alone. My parents are about 2 hour drive away and my partner about 40 min drive away.

Even when my partner is here, I don’t want him here when I’m trying to work and feel like responsible for entertaining him almost but being fully alone is tough too.

In the house share, I’d always hear people go in and out and potter around - even though they were often horrible and we wouldn’t even say hello, the house felt occupied which was comforting, I enjoyed being home alone in the house share as I knew it was a temporary state (they’d be back soon) and before then I lived with my parents.

Almost feel guilty for feeling so sad esp when I got exactly what I wanted.

Anyone else been in the same boat?

I barely have any friends except a few who are moving away to another country anyway.

OP’s posts: |
chocolatespiders Tue 30-Jun-20 10:07:07

Have you considered or are you in a position to get a pet.
It will take a bit of time for it to feel like home and for you to be comfortable there.
Does the house need a lots of work?

Limpid Tue 30-Jun-20 10:07:37

I feel like a little old lady widow who is just living alone

You need to work on your internalised misogyny and ageism.

cheezy Tue 30-Jun-20 10:09:12

I felt similarly when I moved into my own place. Very down about it. In fact I couldn't bring myself to move in for about 3 weeks! Give it time OP, I love my place now, really enjoy being on my own. It helped to get a cat as well. Your partner sounds a bit clingy - maybe that's a separate issue?

greytminds Tue 30-Jun-20 10:12:06

I don’t think a house can do what you were hoping it might and grant you instant happiness. I think you probably need to work on that in a number of other ways. Build up more meaningful friendships, find things to do that you enjoy, work on your mindset towards your future and ability to get what you want out of life. Is your relationship a positive feature in your life? It doesn’t really sound like it from your description. How old are you? You sound like you’ve written yourself off entirely as an old woman but I’m betting you’re under 30....

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime Tue 30-Jun-20 10:13:48

Put the radio / youtube on in the background. There's a reason for the 'crazy cat lady' stereotype, cats are fairly independent but can be great company, if you are going to get one, get a pair from a shelter they keep each other company whilst you are out

TW2013 Tue 30-Jun-20 10:14:18

You could consider getting tenants however as it is your house you set the rules and if they don't follow them then they are out. Also agree about a pet.

Cam2020 Tue 30-Jun-20 10:15:12

It'll take some time to settle, but give it time.
I moved house two years ago after living in the same place for 10 years. I was desperate to move, hated what had happened to the area, the commute to work and lack of space yet when I finally moved, I felt really unsettled and sort of homeless/uprooted for the first two months or so.

We are creatures of habit and there is comfort in familiarity, even when it's something we dislike. It'll get better and you'll love it!

BananaTreeBirdie Tue 30-Jun-20 10:15:13

Ditch the partner for a start.

Get decorating. Buy all the cute things you’ve always wanted. Make a Pinterest board.

Buy all the food and snacks you want, and eat them when you want.


Smyths Tue 30-Jun-20 10:15:32

Thank you for the replies so far @chocolatespiders yes a pet might be a good idea but worried about cost (esp right now as I’ve used nearly all my savings on buying a house) and who would look after the pet when I’m at work and if it dies, I would get even more depressed.

Not a cat or a dog person but do like most other kinda pets.

The house is in fairly good condition so mainly repainting the walls.

OP’s posts: |
MikeUniformMike Tue 30-Jun-20 10:15:43

Renting isn't money down the drain. It is putting a roof over your, and if you have one, family's head.

BurtsBeesKnees Tue 30-Jun-20 10:17:35

I used to rent a room out when I lived in my own. Extra cash and someone else kicking around the house without getting overbearing

MikeUniformMike Tue 30-Jun-20 10:17:42

I feel like a little old lady widow who is just living alone.
You could go one better and say old maid.

Smyths Tue 30-Jun-20 10:18:11

@MikeUniformMike I meant money down the drain compared to having a mortgage

OP’s posts: |
greytminds Tue 30-Jun-20 10:18:48

Ah you do say you are in your mid 20s. No wonder you’re miserable if you’ve written yourself off like this.

The problem with your mindset is perfectly illustrated by fixating on the fact any pet you get might die. Never mind the pleasure and companionship, or that you could rescue an unwanted cat and give it a home. Newsflash: we all die! But we also live first. That’s the bit to focus on.

Anotheronetwo Tue 30-Jun-20 10:21:46

Get a lodger. Money won't be so tight, there'll be someone else around, and you will still be in the position to make the house rules!

PearlHeart3 Tue 30-Jun-20 10:22:18

I had the same experience, although I'd previously been living by myself for 2 years before I bought my house, I was living in London at the time and was always busy or going out so I didn't feelmthat lonely. When I bought my house nearly 1.5 hours from London, I did feel lonely. I ended up renting a room out to a woman similar in age for a year and it really helped. She's since moved out and I now have a partner and a baby, but I totally understand where you are coming from.

Personally I'd consider a lodger, or a pet if you can make it work (I have a dog too). It's harder at the moment too as you're being encouraged to stay at home as much as possible. 3 weeks isn't very long at all though, so give it some time.

MikeUniformMike Tue 30-Jun-20 10:24:10

You could get a Monday-Friday lodger or two. You would set the rules.
It would bring in plenty of money and if you didn't like them, it woud only be short term.

People use such arrangements when working away from home, often on short term contracts.

Ideally, you need more than one bathroom for this.

Jaxhog Tue 30-Jun-20 10:25:41

Get a cat.

MikeUniformMike Tue 30-Jun-20 10:25:47

would not woud.

I knew what you meant, OP, but the expression is so insulting to those who rent.

OrlandoInTheWilderness Tue 30-Jun-20 10:29:45

Cat. They offer company without been too in your face or needy like dogs! (Even though I adore my two woofs!)

Theyweretheworstoftimes Tue 30-Jun-20 10:31:05

You have what I currently crave. Your own space. This is such a privilege. Please embrace it.

Ghostlyportrait Tue 30-Jun-20 10:32:53

There could be a bit of it all being an anti climax which reaching a goal can sometimes involve. It’s also a completely different way of life to the house shares you are used to (even if you were totally pissed off with them). The house is bound to feel quiet and empty at first and not like ‘home’.

How long is it since you moved in? Can you think of this house as a foundation to start building the life you would like from? It’s much harder right now because of the COVID restrictions because you can’t really do many social things in your new neighbourhood.

I think the house is a tangible focus to pin your current unhappiness on which is very understandable. Give it more time and look into things going on in your neighbourhood that might bring you into contact with more people as soon as the COVID situation allows.

There’s an app called Nextdoor. People around your area can use it to ask questions (what are all those police cars doing going up x road, missing pets, items for sale, requests for tradespeople etc). I put a post on mine a few weeks ago asking if people would consider leaving a bowl of water out in dry weather for wildlife and it started off this huge chain of people posting what they have done in their gardens to encourage and look after wildlife. It’s a pretty rough area with no sense of community but the thread has a lovely sense of people wanting to share what they are doing and give tips etc. I’m sure if I wanted I could set up a local wildlife group on the back of it.

This is just one phase of your life that will change so try not to put too much pressure on yourself to be suddenly happy now you have your own home. You’ve done so well to get your own place but don’t think of it as the end of the road to contentment but the beginning.

Lots of luck from a little old lady who lives on her own (and loves it).

IAmcuriousyellow Tue 30-Jun-20 10:35:45

Ah mate you’ll settle. Well done for buying y9ur own house! I think it’s the culture shock, and I believe you’ll calm down and start to love it.

gutentag1 Tue 30-Jun-20 10:36:47

Get a lodger?

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