Got exactly what I wanted (own house) but feel miserable :(

[Smyths]

I’m mid-20s and have been living in house shares for about 6 years (it was overall awful with lots of bullying and overly bossy, and often creepy housemates moving in who would use my stuff, get controlling over mundane things like bin rotas and I basically spent my entire 6 years there with all my stuff crammed into my room and spending 99% of my time in the house in my room. I also hated that it was renting (money down the drain) so always wanted my own place.

I have a partner of a year who I feel can get a little overbearing/bossy if around for prolonged time periods but he is very kind, devoted and fairly clingy. I’d see him a few evenings a week and most of the weekend.

Now, I finally have what I wanted - a small 3 bed house 10 miles away which I bought and it’s all mine. Despite this, every morning when I get up I feel a sense of loneliness and dread (I’ve been here for over 3 weeks now) - it’s like the grass is always greener.

I feel like a little old lady widow who is just living alone. My parents are about 2 hour drive away and my partner about 40 min drive away.

Even when my partner is here, I don’t want him here when I’m trying to work and feel like responsible for entertaining him almost but being fully alone is tough too.

In the house share, I’d always hear people go in and out and potter around - even though they were often horrible and we wouldn’t even say hello, the house felt occupied which was comforting, I enjoyed being home alone in the house share as I knew it was a temporary state (they’d be back soon) and before then I lived with my parents.

Almost feel guilty for feeling so sad esp when I got exactly what I wanted.

Anyone else been in the same boat?

I barely have any friends except a few who are moving away to another country anyway.

[Terralee]

I live alone but in an 80s semi, the walls are so thin I can hear my neighbour's all the time so I don't exactly feel alone haha!!

Firstly, download playlists of your favourite (upbeat) music & get a good Bluetooth speaker to play it on.
Secondly get a comfy sofa opposite a decent sized tv.
Then fill you house with books & magazines too. So you won't get bored

Decorate exactly how you want.
I have bright colours, lots of pale pink & grey too, blossom prints, lots of photos of me & my mates & family everywhere.

Make your home a real sanctuary, nice & cosy. Make it represent you.
Also get a patio set so you can sit outside in good weather.

Finally consider rehoming an older rescue cat. Mine was about 4 years old & very nervous. She doesn't go out but after 2 years she follows me everywhere bless her & yes, gets cat hair everywhere too.
She wants attention constantly.so I never feel alone.
Just bear in mind that cats live up to 22 years.
Or you could try a house rabbit!! Again the RSPCA have lots of rabbits.

Get your social life going & get your mates round.
Your partner hmm not sure about the sound of them.

[discombobulated2020]

I remember feeling the same way when I bought my first home. Sometimes, I struggled to get out of the car when I pulled up. I bought in winter and it seemed so dark, cold and looming - I just wanted to go back home with the busyness of chatter and my tea being ready as I walked in, not silence and me having to make dinner. I then timed my heating and lights to come on before I arrived home so it was more welcoming.

You will get used to it. It really does take a bit of time before it feels like your home.

[unlikelytobe]

It takes time to adjust to any new situation but what you've achieved - owning your own place in your mid 20's is great and think of all the benefits of not doing house shares anymore. Get busy making the place feel like yours with decorating, pictures etc, any garden to do? Make local connections when poss. Pet and or lodger may be an idea. Self esteem course required and maybe a new man!

[ravenmum]

Your problem is not your home. Maybe the partner (who sounds a bit of a dead end?), maybe you need to be a bit more active at looking for some new friends and fulfilling/enjoyable activities.
If you're not used to being alone, then yes, lodgers, students, couch surfing, etc. But as someone else said, watch out for depression - speak to your GP perhaps. That focus on a potential pet's death rather than the enjoyment of its life is a red flag, for instance.

[longtompot]

What did you picture your life would be like when you bought your house? It sounds like you have really isolated yourself by buying somewhere so far from family and friends. If you imagined friends popping in for dinner, drinks etc then maybe living much closer to them would have helped.
I would sit down and have a honest think about what it is you want from living there. What was it you loved about the house that made you want to buy it? Did you have plans on what to change about the decor, garden etc? Write those down and set a plan on making it you home.
If you just bought as you were desperate to get away from the other tenants then maybe cut your losses and sell up and try and buy closer to your friends.
Can you picture your boyfriend being part of your future?

[tara66]

Gardening is a great hobby and you are enhancing your property.
Chat to neighbours.

[MitziK]

I felt lonely when living on my own for the first time.

So I got a lodger.



Fuck me, I've never been so grateful to live on my own as when that skank finally fucked off.

[DuvetDay1212]

Your unhappiness is coming from within you. It sounds like you could do with counselling. You have decided that being with a guy who is overbearing and bossy is ok. This guy is waving red flags at you but you aren't seeing them. You seem to list 'clingy' as being a good thing as well? It sounds like you don't have good boundaries so you hide yourself away so you don't need to confront people. Now you have isolated yourself and you are wondering why you are unhappy. You want connection, but on your own terms. Could be attachment issues? A counsellor would help with all that.

I think that anything you get to make life better, be it a pet, a house or a relationship, won't make you feel better if you aren't healthy on the inside, in your mind.

[Maria1921]

I did the same, and felt the same.

The answer to it was to get a lodger. Not only do you get to vet them and choose them but YOU are the boss and you set the house rules. And if they get on your nerves you can give them 2 weeks notice to leave and try someone else.

[madcatladyforever]

I'm a little old lady divorcee/widow and Im very happy indeed. I have lots of friends and hobbies in fact I don't have enough time to myself.
Ditch the substandard boyfriend and get out there and find people you want to be with.
Decorate the house. Make it yours. Loneliness is only in your head.

[TheVanguardSix]

Ah you'll get there. You've done so incredibly well. Be proud of your achievements! Believe me, I don't have regrets bar one: Not buying a house/flat in my 20s when I totally could have! Arrgh!
Anyway, this isn't about me.

I think your relationship is a great source of your loneliness. It's not a happy relationship, is it? In a good relationship, there's a positive trajectory. You're 'going places' with a loving partner. There's a hope, a future together, there's warmth and love. There's a real sense of you living your life with this person by your side. I know it sounds corny, but it's hard to put into words. You just know it's good because it feels good.
You know, I found the mid-20s one of the loneliest times in my life! My relationships weren't very happy. I lived in houseshares and all of that but everyone's lives were so transient. Friends were constantly moving away either physically, emotionally, or both. People came in and went out of my life like the weather. And I did the same. I moved in and out of people's lives, but moving to new cities quite frequently for work left me a bit detached. I had and have a few core friends from those days, but many friends were actually just long-term acquaintances who drifted towards new lives in new places.

You have a home now. A base. And this helps you feel more tied to people and a place. I hope you can continue to make new friends and build your village. You will! I'd tuck into doing up the house and making it my own. When we bought our house a few years ago, I felt a sadness. I guess I was letting go of the old area we'd lived in. I was in a new area, far from friends. I lost access to the church I'd been a part of and that community. I also left my faith at the same time. So it was a bereavement. Years later, my home is my castle! It still needs doing up but it's really 'mine/ours' and the garden is something I've really nurtured and invested in. It's been a very loving, organic, alive experience. I've watched things thrive (and fail to thrive!). And my hands have been instrumental in conjuring life from what was a neglected garden full of depleted soil. You will connect with your home. Your hands will wet those walls with colour. Your eyes will visualise how to make each nook and space your own. Doing up your home is very bonding and intimate. We become one with the structures we live in. I have this very strong belief that the old energy of former occupants has to shift. It takes time for your own energy to own that space. Give it time. Open the windows. Look at photos of spaces and see what would work in your home. Tap into your creativity. And take time to get to know your home. Like all friendships, it won't happen overnight, but gradually, intimately. Congratulations. You are at a beautiful time in life. It will all 'even out'. I'd take a good look at your relationship. That might be the one thing that needs tweaking in your life.

[IndianaJonesAndTheTempleOfBoom]

I'd also suggest a lodger. You can set the rules and if it's not working out you can serve them their notice.

[LadyOfTheImprovisedBath]

I rented flats by myself in 20s and while I did feel at home - though it took a while - I never liked living by myself.

I'd give it some more time - see if you get more used to it. Possibly get a Alexa - love mine when I'm by myself.

Longer term possibly a pet to come home to or lodger but I'd give youself some time especially as it's not normal at the minute which will be impinging on your social life and interactions.

Plus I'd re-think the relationship it does sound like it's bring you down rather than being fun.

[Jux]

It will take a little time to adjust to being on your own, so be patient. You've lived with others for many years, after all.

I also take issue with renting being money down the drain. When you rent, you generally are not responsible for large repairs, new boilers, and so on. You are paying for the leisure of not being responsible.

[Marshmallow1102]

I haven't been through this so can't offer advice, but I found the following article fascinating and think it might help you understand the way you are feeling and how to make yourself feel happier!
www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/5F7yF1LgvWrsKSJRcdLkShD/could-embracing-the-joy-of-the-ordinary-be-the-path-to-happiness

[userxx]

Give yourself time, i was exactly the same when i bought my own property.

[Turkeydrumstick]

It takes some getting used to. There are pros and cons to living alone, try focusing on the pros and look at ways to reduce the cons. When I first lived alone the silence drove me crazy, I would have nightmares that people were in the house with me (still get that nightmare now if I’m anxious about something). I found having a background noise really helped- Music on or the tv. FaceTime people and try and get out at least once a day for an activity, even just a 5 minute walk to the shop.

[loobyloo1234]

I lived in my own house for 4 years before I met DP. Didn't need a pet (although we have one now) - just kept myself busy with socialising, seeing my family, decorating the house, shopping for house bits etc

You are in control of not being lonely right now OP. It sounds like you need a kick up the bum to push yourself to get yourself out there doing things rather than sitting around staring at 4 empty walls

A cat would be a good start, they're great company. But I do think you need to keep yourself busy away from the home too

[jessstan2]

I think you are adjusting to living on your own in your own house. Even though house sharing was awful in many ways, you were used to it. There's a down side to anything and the shine wears off, no matter how good it is on paper.

Give it time, you will become accustomed to your own place at last and enjoy it.

Honestly, there's nothing like being able to shut the door and be private. You don't even have to answer the doorbell if you don't want to!

How you feel about your fella is quite normal too, you're only in your twenties so have time to settle down with someone and it may not be him.

When you have the opportunity to go out and enjoy yourself, do so. You'll appreciate returning to your own place more than ever.

Flat sharing isn't for everyone; I only ever did it once on a short term basis and that was OK but much preferred being on my own - even a bedsitter is better than sharing. However there's something to be said for not having the responsibility of bricks and mortar when you're young - for a start, you can pick up and go easily if you want.

Good luck - things will improve.

[JuneJuly]

You'll get used to it. It feels strange to you right now because it's different from what you're used to. Three weeks isn't a long time, give it longer for this to become your new normal and you'll feel much better.

It was a long time ago now but I felt the same when I moved into my own house, from being at my parents'. My routines were all out of kilter because I had to get used to doing them in a different place/space/environment. And, yes, it felt quite strange being on my own so much, although I didn't dislike that, it was just different. I soon got used to it & loved it. I'm sure you will, given a bit more time.

[yellowsunset]

@MikeUniformMike

Renting isn't money down the drain. It is putting a roof over your, and if you have one, family's head.

The two aren't mutually exclusive.

[AnneOfCreamCables]

It's a big life change so it take time for it to feel right. However, the fact that when someone mentioned a pet, you went straight to 'what if it dies?' hints that your MH may not be as robust as it could be. Are you depressed? Have you spoken to your GP?
You also need to try to shift your mindset about the house so write down all the positives of being there and the negatives of the place you left. Do what a PP suggested and make pinterest boards of decor ideas.
Make a plan for getting to know people in your new area, look into clubs or online events.

[ThePluckOfTheCoward]

Like others have said, it's only been three weeks and I know what you mean about the house being so quiet. It's a question of what you are used to and you are used to the sound of people coming and going and the security of knowing you aren't alone in the house, especially in the evenings and nighttime. But we are creatures of habit and you just need to give it time so that a quiet (and peaceful) home is your new norm.

Try to get stuck into decorating and furnishing your house, don't get a pet or lodger immediately, give it a few months until you feel more settled. A Mon-Fri lodger could be a good idea for company and extra income. Also you need to try to make some friends, so try and join some local clubs or activities. Finally, it doesn't sound like your relationship it's going anywhere, so I would end that and give yourself a chance to meet someone else. Try and be a bit more optimistic in your outlook Op instead of always looking at the worst outcome, like automatically focusing on a pet dying instead of the pleasure it could bring to your life. If you always focus on the negatives in life you are going to miss out on all the positives.

[Deathraystare]

Seems like you are missing the drama!

I wish I had my own place! At least the annoying flate 'mate' left so it is quieter/a LOT less tense!

[Bibidy]

It just takes time, you are only 3 weeks in and it's a huge adjustment. I bought my own flat last year after living at home with my parents up until then, and even though I was so happy and proud, I still felt sad and like it wasn't 'home' for a really long time. I found myself avoiding actually going to stay there and making excuses to stay at 'home'. It's not a familiar environment and probably feels quite empty as you haven't got the stuff to fill it up yet.

But as time goes by you'll get little bits and pieces you love to fill it up and you really will feel so much better. Hang in there :)