Got exactly what I wanted (own house) but feel miserable :(

[Smyths]

I’m mid-20s and have been living in house shares for about 6 years (it was overall awful with lots of bullying and overly bossy, and often creepy housemates moving in who would use my stuff, get controlling over mundane things like bin rotas and I basically spent my entire 6 years there with all my stuff crammed into my room and spending 99% of my time in the house in my room. I also hated that it was renting (money down the drain) so always wanted my own place.

I have a partner of a year who I feel can get a little overbearing/bossy if around for prolonged time periods but he is very kind, devoted and fairly clingy. I’d see him a few evenings a week and most of the weekend.

Now, I finally have what I wanted - a small 3 bed house 10 miles away which I bought and it’s all mine. Despite this, every morning when I get up I feel a sense of loneliness and dread (I’ve been here for over 3 weeks now) - it’s like the grass is always greener.

I feel like a little old lady widow who is just living alone. My parents are about 2 hour drive away and my partner about 40 min drive away.

Even when my partner is here, I don’t want him here when I’m trying to work and feel like responsible for entertaining him almost but being fully alone is tough too.

In the house share, I’d always hear people go in and out and potter around - even though they were often horrible and we wouldn’t even say hello, the house felt occupied which was comforting, I enjoyed being home alone in the house share as I knew it was a temporary state (they’d be back soon) and before then I lived with my parents.

Almost feel guilty for feeling so sad esp when I got exactly what I wanted.

Anyone else been in the same boat?

I barely have any friends except a few who are moving away to another country anyway.

[Thinkingg]

*It would make money less tight, and you can have more power to pick the person than you did in your houseshare.

[ArgumentativeAardvaark]

Why are you calling this man your “partner”? He’s your boyfriend, and it sounds like you don’t really even like him that much. Ditch him for starters, the rest will fall into place after that.

[Davespecifico]

I was in my mid 20s when I bought my first house. It ended a lot if work so the builder was in every day for a couple of months. Once he left it felt so lonely, like I’d become institutionalised to expect this builder to be in my house.
Give it time, have fun with your friends, have people to stay (once that’s allowed), ditch the bloke and if you still feel the same in 6 months, get a lodger.

[ScrimpshawTheSecond]

I think sometimes we are driven until we get what we think we want. Then when we get it, everything falls apart as we realise that the dissatisfaction was largely an inner state, not entirely dependend on our circumstances. Then we have the space to let all these difficult feelings and thoughts come to the surface. Which isnt easy, but a 'dark night of the soul' can be ultimately very healling.

You may wish to look into meditation, or therapy, or counselling to work through your sadness.

Recommending books:

the New Mood Therapy by D Burns
Finding your North Star by Martha Beck
and Dark Nights of the Soul by Thomas Moore.

Also looking into therapy, counselling, meditation might be helpful.

Also lifestyle aspects make a huge difference - check your diet, vitamins, maybe bloods for anemia, get lots of exercise, water & fresh air.

It doesn't sound like you're very happy with your boyfriend. Woudl you be happier without him?

OP. All the best.

[BertiesLanding]

@Smyths, what's missing from your life is you. You've tried to find it in others, who were unsuitable; you're trying to find it in your own home, which may help, but it isn't "it". Maybe try to find yourself a little. Counselling or therapy can help.

[Stefoscope]

It might be a bit of buyer's remorse; it's a lot of money to spend all in one go and a big change if you've moved areas. I remember being tearful a few days after I bought my first house as it felt overwhelming to be responsible for a whole house and garden. It also felt weird (maybe a touch agrophobic) to not basically live in one room all the time.

I wouldn't rush into getting a lodger or a pet straightaway but it might be something to consider in a few months time once you've given yourself some time to adjust. If you don't already, then stick the radio or some music on for background noise. Let yourself enjoy the freedom of not having to consider others for a while. Don't feel like washing up right away? You don't have to anymore! Go for a few walks around the local area, so it starts to feel more familiar.

[AryaStarkWolf]

Echo the crowd really, it's only been 3 weeks, give it some time and you will love it, also get a cat and don't move your b/f in :p

[ItsSummer]

Definitely don’t get an animal! They’ll tie you down and you won’t be able to get out and meet people. I think pets should come when you’re settled tbh

[Marsalimay]

Things that helped me at a similar stage of life:

• Radio 4 on in the background.
• Having things to look after - plants, bird feeder, hedgehog food etc. (There is a study that elderly people in a care home were generally happier and lived longer if they had a single plant in their room to care for vs a control group also with a plant that was tended by staff).
• General good well-being - fresh air, exercise, drinking sufficient water, eating healthy food, mindfulness etc.

[welldonesquirrels]

I adore our house and it was a very planned and considered purchase but even so, for a few weeks after buying it, I definitely had the panic/fear that I'd done the wrong thing. It's a life changing major purchase, it's normal to have a bit of an "oh shit" feeling.

It does sound like maybe your relationship isn't in an ideal place though, which might also be contributing to your feelings of unease?

[Intelinside57]

Ditch the boyfriend.
Give yourself another month or so to let things settle.
Do things to the house and when you are in the house that make you happy.
If after all of that you still feel lonely consider getting a carefully selected Monday - Friday lodger. Believe me, you'll appreciate having the place to yourself at weekends. If you do that place restrictions on them having guests and make sure you know exactly what your rules are.
I know this feeling, I got it myself when I brought my first house. But it went away and then I started to love the freedom. Best decision I ever made.

[Marsalimay]

Also, make the most of your space. I have a terrible habit of living in my bedroom if I'm not careful.

And this is a bit embarrassing, but when my little girl died and my partner left 10 days later I loved my home (because if felt as though I'd lost everything else in my life) but I felt so alone in it because it was so empty of the little family I'd had a couple of weeks earlier. Anyway, I bought these little stone hearts because I liked the colour and texture and I left one in each room. Once a day I would just touch them lightly and thank the room for being there.
Gees, I really did go a bit bonkers at that time, but I found this little gesture so helpful. I can understand now how people get in to Wicca and the like.

[Pr1mr0se]

I think it is natural to feel like this in your own home if you are suddenly living alone, even if you weren't always happy in rentals. I think the idea of getting a pet (a cat or a dog) for company would be a good idea especially if you had a pet when you were living with your family. It will help with the feeling of 'familiarity'. Also if you are in a new area it takes time to 'feel at home'. You won't hve had a house warming but could you do a 'virtual' party instead (online with your friends if they live a long way away)? It takes time to manage your own time - have you redecorated yet, got to know the neighbours, registered for anything locally (hard I know at the moment with just coming out of lockdown etc), even got to know the local shop owners a bit so you feel part of the local community. All these things will help. You'll soon feel at home.

[Knittedfairies]

You'll settle. After all the noise, and hassle, of living with bossy, light-fingered housemates, it's bound to feel odd. Make your house your own; waft about all your rooms without having to cram all that you own in one of them. Congratulations on owning your own house!

[LostTrust]

You'll soon settle in, and hopefully enjoy your new home. Once you have spent time making alterations, adding pictures, photos, plants and other little additions it will feel more like home. Plants and photos can make a huge difference to how your house feels like home.

I feel like a little old lady widow who is just living alone.

You made me smile here! You have a strange idea of what a widowed little old lady living alone is supposed to be like. Maybe you could volunteer and help us little old dears find some meaning in life 😂

Good luck, I hope your house soon feels like your home.

[MagpieSong]

@Marsalimay, I think that's lovely. So sorry to hear about your little girl and your partner. The stones are a wonderful gesture. It's similar to some therapists' suggestions with affirmations/focusing on gratefulness.

[Giraffey1]

Try not to dwell on your perceived unhappiness. It’s a big change for you and it’s only natural it will take time to adjust.

[Marsalimay]

Thank you @MagpieSong that's the first time I have mentioned it on here. It just popped out. It surprised me. This happened a lifetime ago, but I think this must be a little package of emotion that I'm processing on some level.

[soruff]

Congratulations on your achievement, a great pity lockdown is spoiling you sharing it better. It can take a while to enjoy something we have wanted for so long. As Scrimpshawthe Second says:-
"An ambition achieved no longer motivates".
You still have to build the independence in your life. other posters are saying this.
Please do not get an animal yet. It will make building your own home-independent self more difficult.
Life will change gear after extra concessions about Lockdown.

[Hoppinggreen]

Why are you with a partner who is bossy, overbearing and clingy and needs to be entertained?
Get rid of him first then go from there

[cheeseaddict420]

Dump your boyfriend. Get a pet. Decorate.

Investigate whether you may be depressed because you do sound very sad.

But overall be grateful that you have somewhere to call you own. Some of us (renters putting money down the drain [hmmm]) will never have that.

[monkeyonthetable]

It takes time to settle into really different, new circumstances.

take charge of what you want.

First, learn to celebrate the freedom of living alone. Start the day with your favourite music blasting, the freedom of long showers or baths with no one knocking on the door, your possessions places exactly where you want them, not squashed into one room.

Start decorating the house exactly as you want it, so you really feel like you own the entire space. Don't go for bland, neutral decor, choose things that really mean something to you, that give a bit of life to the place and show your personality.

As lockdown eases you can invite friends or family over for lunch or dinner, or to stay the night. Once you start filling your home with people you choose and love, it will feel a lot less lonely.

If you still feel lonely when you are settled in, consider getting a dog or cat, a long-term lodger, or taking short-term airbnb style lodgers.

[SinkGirl]

Do you want to borrow my twins for a few days? They’ll make you appreciate the quiet 😬

Seriously though, it’s super tough going from a house share to living alone especially at a time when having people round isn’t on the cards. But you will get used to it and then you’ll struggle to live with someone else!

[EasilyDelighted]

This happened to me, it changed the dynamics with my then boyfriend who was still living at home. Once I had the house he wanted to spend more and more time there and I resented that at the same time as being a bit lonely. He was clingy too, didn't like me going out with my friends without him but didn't make much effort to get to know them. I think he assumed it was a matter of time before he moved in whereas that was not in my plans at all. We split after a while and everything was SO much better (he moved in with someone else very quickly and I met DH after another year or so.

[BogRollBOGOF]

Lockdown may well be having an effect. The world is still very far from beinģ socially normal.

I normally have radios on in stereo around the house. With 13+ weeks of relentless company of Dzcs and DH, I haven't been able to do that and it's surprisingly discombobulaying. It's the other side of the same coin of social imbalance.

Decorating goes a long way in turning a house into a home.

Overbearing partner one year in is not a good sign...