Got exactly what I wanted (own house) but feel miserable :(

[Smyths]

I’m mid-20s and have been living in house shares for about 6 years (it was overall awful with lots of bullying and overly bossy, and often creepy housemates moving in who would use my stuff, get controlling over mundane things like bin rotas and I basically spent my entire 6 years there with all my stuff crammed into my room and spending 99% of my time in the house in my room. I also hated that it was renting (money down the drain) so always wanted my own place.

I have a partner of a year who I feel can get a little overbearing/bossy if around for prolonged time periods but he is very kind, devoted and fairly clingy. I’d see him a few evenings a week and most of the weekend.

Now, I finally have what I wanted - a small 3 bed house 10 miles away which I bought and it’s all mine. Despite this, every morning when I get up I feel a sense of loneliness and dread (I’ve been here for over 3 weeks now) - it’s like the grass is always greener.

I feel like a little old lady widow who is just living alone. My parents are about 2 hour drive away and my partner about 40 min drive away.

Even when my partner is here, I don’t want him here when I’m trying to work and feel like responsible for entertaining him almost but being fully alone is tough too.

In the house share, I’d always hear people go in and out and potter around - even though they were often horrible and we wouldn’t even say hello, the house felt occupied which was comforting, I enjoyed being home alone in the house share as I knew it was a temporary state (they’d be back soon) and before then I lived with my parents.

Almost feel guilty for feeling so sad esp when I got exactly what I wanted.

Anyone else been in the same boat?

I barely have any friends except a few who are moving away to another country anyway.

[GwenSaturn]

It's strange times atm. It'll feel better when you can go out more and have friends and family round. Give it time.

If you still feel like this in 6 months, then consider a lodger or a pet.

And maybe a new partner...!

[JaniceWebster]

It sounds like it's not your house situation itself the problem, but your social life!

What is your work situation? Do you work somewhere or from home? (obviously things might be a bit different at the moment)

What about hobbies, volunteering, studying after work? These are the best way to make friends.

Once you have a busy life, it will be much easier to enjoy your own space. In the meantime, you need to plan how to make your new property a home. It might take time as it adds up, but it makes a difference too.

a partner of a year who I feel can get a little overbearing/bossy
that really doesn't sound good, do not feel you have to settle with someone that doesn't make you happy and the best you can be.

[Someone1987]

The way you are feeling is completely normal! It is a huge shock to go from your parents, to a house share to being on your own far away from family and your partner. It will take a period of adjustment, but hopefully soon you'll feel more settled and if your partner or a future partner moves in one day you won't be alone. X

[GrumpyHoonMain]

You’ll get used to it and then wonder how you ever lived in a houseshare. Just give it time.

[MagpieSong]

Don't panic, you'll settle in. It's early days and it takes time to become used to being alone. There are some lovely suggestions on this thread (GhostlyPortrait, your wildlife thread sounds great!) and 3 weeks is so little time to have been there. With Covid-19 restrictions, it's hard to make contact and feel integrated into the local community. Things that helped me to live alone during periods of my life have been chats with friends over the phone, picking up new interests that I can do at home, listening to podcasts etc to create noise/give me food for thought, cats (mine are cuddly Ragdoll cats, but as you say you're not keen, a rabbit or similar perhaps), chats with neighbours, making the house feel like mine with decorating, going for local walks to get to know the area, making a loose routine and creating some long term plans, so I feel I have something to aim for. The long term plans helped because if I felt lonely at any point, I could remind myself that I wouldn't be for much longer and why I was doing it.

[PalTheGent]

3 weeks is no time at all really. Give it a few months and see how you feel then - my guess would be that you will settle to it and start to see all the wonderful aspects of living alone, in your own place.

In the meantime, go easy on yourself. Every choice we ever make involves shutting down other choices. I's ok to grieve a bit for them whilst still seeing that the choice made was the best one.

[AuntieMarys]

Ditch the partner. Be a full time spinster and have some fun.

[FlamedToACrisp]

Firstly - a big CONGRATULATIONS on getting your own place! Well done!

It must feel strange and silent and a bit lonely when you've always lived with other people, but there's no need for you to live alone if you don't want to: as others have suggested, you could get a pet or take a temporary lodger (in both cases, confirm the changes with your home insurers).

Just DON'T move your partner in out of loneliness - tbh it doesn't sound as if you're really that keen on him. Perhaps that's the problem here. The next stage would 'normally' be marriage, then a family - but you can already see a couple of major flaws in the relationship, so unless things change, he may not be husband material.

Or are you just not very good with people? I would suggest that your next target should be dealing with your lack of friends. What do you enjoy doing? Is there a club you'd like to join, or a sport or sociable hobby you would like to take up?

Good luck in your new home

[FunTimes2020]

@Limpid

I feel like a little old lady widow who is just living alone

You need to work on your internalised misogyny and ageism.

Lol

[FunTimes2020]

@greytminds

I don’t think a house can do what you were hoping it might and grant you instant happiness. I think you probably need to work on that in a number of other ways. Build up more meaningful friendships, find things to do that you enjoy, work on your mindset towards your future and ability to get what you want out of life. Is your relationship a positive feature in your life? It doesn’t really sound like it from your description. How old are you? You sound like you’ve written yourself off entirely as an old woman but I’m betting you’re under 30....

The OP starts "I'm mid-20s". No betting required!

[Walkingthedog46]

“I feel like a little old lady widow who is just living alone”

I’m a little old lady widow just living alone - and I love it!!!!!!!

[suggestionsplease1]

Get a lodger. But spend as much time as you need getting the RIGHT lodger! One whose lifestyle, personality and values fit your own.

I don't think you'll ever regret getting you own financial independence like this - you have options available to you now. The rent-a-room scheme is a great way to get some tax-free cash and maybe make a friend.

(I am still very good friends with 2 lodgers I had (at separate times), we see each other all the time but they both moved on when they were in the position to buy for themselves having saved money by renting rooms with me.)

[callmeadoctor]

Also, join your local Facebook group for your town. If there isn't one, start one up. Ours has everything on there, meet up groups, choirs, walking groups. General chat and moan. Really good to get involved in. When ours originally started we all met up (made ourselves badges and everything)

[WhentheRabbitsWentWild]

You are only young and sound depressed (I knew somebody of 19 who was hit by depression back in the 80s) . I feel for you really (despite your rather ageist comment earlier),
Anyway, I think that in a way, though you did not like your house shares, for various reasons, you might miss the hustle and bustle of those house shares, perhaps deep inside.
Give it time OP and ditch the Partner , Nobody can be doing with that

[notalwaysalondoner]

Would you consider a (carefully selected) lodger? I hate living alone and have had a great time with friends as lodgers. The power dynamic is very different to a house share as it’s your house, so you get to make the rules about bins and cleaning rotas and overnight guests etc. And you technically don’t really have to give them notice, although we set up a lodger agreement that gives them a months notice - but it means if it doesn’t work out you aren’t stuck with them. Plus over the years it’s helped us pay off our mortgage and meant we have way more disposable income - win/win! It’s really very unnatural for humans to live alone so it’s no wonder some people hate it.

I’d probably wait another month or so before making a firm choice though - it may just be teething problems and you’ll start to really enjoy living alone.

In the long term your DP could move in presumably? But definitely don’t rush into that as it’s much much more difficult to back out from than a lodger - I’d wait until you are 100% sure you want him to move in, not just that you want some company.

A pet would also be amazing if you can fit your job around it.

[SavoyCabbage]

I think you should stop spending so much time with your partner, who sounds draining. Do things without him and see where it leads you.

I emigrated when I was in my thirties and I would would go to the opening on an envelope in order to meet people. You can use the fact you’ve moved in the same way that I did. I’d ask people where the nearest library was or where there was a good green grocers and then they would ask if I’d just moved and did I know that there was a book group on a Thursday or a community garden and sometimes I would make a connection. It was a bit like dating but for friends.

[MagnoliaJustice]

It's only been 3 weeks! Turn your house into the home of your dreams. Stick pictures on the walls, get some indoor plants and buy yourself a massive bunch of flowers every week. Stamp your personality onto the house.

Don't rely on others to give your life a sense of purpose, start embracing the life you have, and enjoy the fantastic sense of achievement in having a home of your own at the age you are.

Join the local Nextdoor group and once restrictions are lifted, go out and get involved in your local community. Make some friends. Find yourself a social life - see if there's a pub quiz, a reading group etc

Get a pet - my friend has two adorable house rabbits - she's not a cat or dog person either.

[Cornberry]

I suspect the problem is not the solitude in your new house, but something else missing from your life. My husband and I have just moved into a new home with our two kids which should make us very happy, but due to other problems in my life I just cannot enjoy it. My mother keeps telling me I should be so happy and grateful, but it is meaningless while I struggle with other personal problems. If you are not happy with your life more broadly, for example your job, your partner, or your social situation then address that. It seems to me that you need to feel more fulfilled generally, and then you won't feel lonely in the home you have craved. I do think also it is natural that once you get something you have been working towards for a long time to feel and a sense of anti-climax. We are designed to be striving towards something, and that is what you need. A new goal. It sounds like your relationship is not glittering. That might be something to work on? Good luck x

[CantSleepClownsWillEatMe]

I bought my house alone before I met dh and it definitely took me longer than three weeks to feel settled. You’re used to other people being around and the lack of noise can feel really strange. Plus it takes a while for it to feel like your home, its a little bit like staying in someone else’s house at first.

Get stuck in with painting, putting up pictures and photos and trying furniture in different spots. You’ll start to feel more comfortable and relaxed.

If you’re someone who prefers company then you can always get a lodger but tbh I’d give living alone a proper go for a bit longer.

[SillyMoomin]

Took me a few weeks to settle when I bought my first place mid to late 20’s, after houseshares and flat mates etc.

I concentrated on one room at a time - for me, I started with my bedroom. Someone told me to spend the maximum you could afford on bedding (and mattress and bed too if you can) as it will genuinely lift your spirits at night when you climb into soft thick quality sheets.

Start small. Paint one room, buy some (cheap) primark type sofa throws, candles, get some coziness going.

You just need a routine almost in the new house. Get up, kettle on, Munching on toast whilst opening the curtains etc.

Enjoy your new home :)

Oh, and get to know your neighbours :)

[SirVixofVixHall]

I lived alone for a few years, I loved it. It does feel strange at first, but you adjust . Do you have neighbours ? Getting to know people locally and feeling part of a community makes a big difference to loneliness.

[Mintjulia]

Op, I’ve lived alone for most of my life. There’s a knack to it.

Consider getting a pet. Get to know your neighbours so if you do feel lonely one evening you can go and say hello.
Invite friends over. It’s on your terms so you can have people as often as you wish.
Invite your family to stay.
Keep the radio on.
Get involved in something local, it will help you feel like you belong.
Once this madness is over, is there a local pub or coffee shop you can drop into regularly - go the same time each week, become a regular and people will get to know you.
Is there a local Parkrun? Great for fitness and filling a Saturday morning at the same time.

Enjoy your space. Give it a little time, you’ll be fine.

[Dragongirl10]

Op I bought my first flat in my early 20s and finance dictated that l needed a lodger, so l spent a long time working out what sort of person l wanted to share with,

Quiet, doesn't expect conversation, easy going and likes a clean house were my absolute requirements.

I found her and it was one of the best times of my life, we went out together every saturday night, but otherwise did our own thing, cleaned the flat together every Sunday evening.
Agreed rules up front and shared happily for 4 years.
After she left l didn't need the money so lived there alone for another 4 years also nice in a different way although l missed my lodger a bit.
Boyfriends came and went for both of us, but there is a lot to be said to wait until you CANNOT live without a specific man before moving in with one!
Cats are good for company too, dismiss the Old lady idea that is silly!
Give it time to settle in and l bet you will love your home with or without company.

[DC3dilemma]

I remember that feeling.

It takes time to find a new rhythm to your day, new routines etc in a new living arrangement and new home. Take your time, it’s early days. In 6 months you’ll be right at home.

Focus on creating spaces that work for you and your interests. Have you wanted a hobby room, somewhere to exercise? It will feel like home when you create something special for you that you couldn’t have had in shared rented homes.

[Thinkingg]

I detest living alone - moved out of a houseshare eventually as I wanted more space, within two months I'd invited a friend to move in. Many people hold it up as an ideal of independence, but for me I just like the energy of there being people around.

There's no shame to prefer to live with others. This level of solitude is not very normal from the point of view of human history.

If you don't want to move in with your partner, then consider a lodger. It would make money less right you can have more power to pick the person than you did on your houseshare.