Got exactly what I wanted (own house) but feel miserable :(

[Smyths]

I’m mid-20s and have been living in house shares for about 6 years (it was overall awful with lots of bullying and overly bossy, and often creepy housemates moving in who would use my stuff, get controlling over mundane things like bin rotas and I basically spent my entire 6 years there with all my stuff crammed into my room and spending 99% of my time in the house in my room. I also hated that it was renting (money down the drain) so always wanted my own place.

I have a partner of a year who I feel can get a little overbearing/bossy if around for prolonged time periods but he is very kind, devoted and fairly clingy. I’d see him a few evenings a week and most of the weekend.

Now, I finally have what I wanted - a small 3 bed house 10 miles away which I bought and it’s all mine. Despite this, every morning when I get up I feel a sense of loneliness and dread (I’ve been here for over 3 weeks now) - it’s like the grass is always greener.

I feel like a little old lady widow who is just living alone. My parents are about 2 hour drive away and my partner about 40 min drive away.

Even when my partner is here, I don’t want him here when I’m trying to work and feel like responsible for entertaining him almost but being fully alone is tough too.

In the house share, I’d always hear people go in and out and potter around - even though they were often horrible and we wouldn’t even say hello, the house felt occupied which was comforting, I enjoyed being home alone in the house share as I knew it was a temporary state (they’d be back soon) and before then I lived with my parents.

Almost feel guilty for feeling so sad esp when I got exactly what I wanted.

Anyone else been in the same boat?

I barely have any friends except a few who are moving away to another country anyway.

[cyclingmad]

Play music or have tv on in the background helps.

I love having the place to myself I also have a 3 bed, turned the small double into a dressing room and have a guest room which I'm now considering turning into a proper office / library with a sofa bed for anyone who does stay over which is hardly ever.

Just focus on all the things you can do now with all that space!

I've tried having a lodger it lasted a month and I was so glad fo frt my house back, your feeling is temporary.

You reached your goal so set news ones, one of mine is this house will be a happy house, no negative toxic ppl allowed and I do my best to keep upbeat and positive.

Remind yourself when you start having wobbles about how great it is walking in a clean kitchen, going to the bathroom and its clean and always got toilet roll,

[theemmadilemma]

I've lived alone since my early 20's on and off (8 year marriage, now 6 year Partnership). When I bought my own first house in my twenties, it felt a bit different and was bigger than all the little flats where everyone was a bit closer. It does take time to adjust. Getting to know your neighbours is a good way to feel a bit less 'alone'. I think also you eventually settle into your own rhythm and starting feeling a little more safe and 'home' alone.

[AtLeastThreeDrinks]

I felt the same way when I moved out of a house share, despite moving in with my partner. It took me a good while to settle in and feel ok being alone here –now I love it. Getting cats helped enormously, it's having another soul in the house to talk to.

[stealm]

Have you posted on the wrong thread?
The OP is unhappy living alone and you'be just posted about a harbinger of death knocking on your door

Yup I had to laugh at this one. It's either been posted on the wrong thread or the poster wants to "reassure" the OP that she's never alone....

[CorianderLord]

Buck up, you'll probably get over it soon if you don't let it consume you

[ravenmum]

Probably someone on a bike ....

[MagnoliaJustice]

@MuseumOfYou

No, but I think I heard one. I live in a 400 year old mill house, in a field, down a long lane.

I work from home and I was alone in the house, in my office at the back. The rooms all run from one to another, and I was aware of some noise in the next room. I thought it was the dog sniffling around initially, then I thought I ought to get up to look. As I got up, I heard 3 sharp raps on the front door. I wasn't surprised, as we have no bell or knocker, the postman sometimes opens the internal door and puts items just inside. I assumed it was him making the rustling/shuffling noise.

I opened the front door and there was no one there. It's quite a walk to across the garden before anyone would disappear out of view up the lane. There wouldn't have been time, unless someone was Usain Bolt, to have run that fast.

I looked up the significance of 3 knocks. Apparently, it is supposed to be the devil mimicking the Holy Trinity and is a harbinger of death. I stopped reading at that point! I am not a fanciful person at all, but I know what I heard that day.

Have you posted on the wrong thread?

The OP is unhappy living alone and you'be just posted about a harbinger of death knocking on your door

[flight2020]

I think what you are experiencing is anti climax , you have obviously worked hard and been very driven to saving up to get your own house and now you have it and possibly a bit more time on your hands ( maybe not putting in so many hours working ? ) I used to get this very often after an exam where lots of effort time and adrenaline has been used in getting to the point of taking it then immediately after left with a void giving a feeling of emptiness
Not sure what to suggest , I usually find it wears off quickly as I always find lots to do to fill my time

[roarfeckingroar]

Why not have a lodger? Extra money in, you can set the rules and be careful who you choose.

@MikeUniformMike it really is down the drain.

[Smyths]

With my partner, he has all the positive traits a partner could have except when he’s tired or feeling a bit vulnerable, then he gets a little too bossy and black and white in his thinking.

[Smyths]

Thanks a lot everyone - all of your advice has been really wonderful and reassuring so far. Glad I made this thread and that so many people have felt the same way I do.

I think the worst feeling about it is the guilt that I shouldn’t be feeling this way as like others have said, most people, myself included until recently, could only dream of being in this situation.

[biglouis]

I also second all the wise advice other posters have given you about making the place your own, You can start with inexpensive touches and work around to more major projects.

But I would be very wary about getting a lodger at this stage. There are legal consequences of letting part of your home. There have been some dire examples on TV of naive landlords who let out rooms and ended up very sorry for having invited the wrong kind of person into their home. I would concentrate on getting out to make friends and then maybe inviting a friend to stay for the odd night or weekend,

As for your BF I would be looking again at that relationship.

[MuseumOfYou]

No, but I think I heard one. I live in a 400 year old mill house, in a field, down a long lane.

I work from home and I was alone in the house, in my office at the back. The rooms all run from one to another, and I was aware of some noise in the next room. I thought it was the dog sniffling around initially, then I thought I ought to get up to look. As I got up, I heard 3 sharp raps on the front door. I wasn't surprised, as we have no bell or knocker, the postman sometimes opens the internal door and puts items just inside. I assumed it was him making the rustling/shuffling noise.

I opened the front door and there was no one there. It's quite a walk to across the garden before anyone would disappear out of view up the lane. There wouldn't have been time, unless someone was Usain Bolt, to have run that fast.

I looked up the significance of 3 knocks. Apparently, it is supposed to be the devil mimicking the Holy Trinity and is a harbinger of death. I stopped reading at that point! I am not a fanciful person at all, but I know what I heard that day.

[biglouis]

Unless you are used to living alone it can take some time and you are bound to get lonely and depressed sometimes. I hated living with my parents in a small 2 up 2 down and could not wait to get my own place. However I was fortunate in that a dear friend who went away a lot allowed me to stay in her flat often, in return for watering the plants and feeding her terrapins. I knew no one else in the house (it was let into flats) so I learned to rely on my own resources. It also taught me that I had to get in shopping, keep the place tidy and so on. In other words I learned to keep house for myself.

When I finally did get my own place I was prepared for the sensation of being alone. From the first evening when I sat down and realised this was my own place I loved it.

You need to ease into it gradually so dont beat yourself up.

[SummerDayWinterEvenings]

Several things:

1. Have the radio on 24/7. It's sad but Radio 2/4 then you are never coming into a quiet house
   
2. Make the space yours. FB group Making a Cozy Hyggae Home and look for suggestions on there. Nice furnishing, fairy lights, lighting can make a huge difference
   
3. Consider a short term or long term lodger -but make sure you are clear -is it a house share or a lodger -and make sure you get on with them and REALLY like them.
   
4. Consider a pet. Dog -if you have the time. Doesn't have to be a puppy -rehome. Gets you out and about and people talk to the dog. Also you never come home to an empty house.
   If not a dog -consider a cat.
   
   We all die but that doesn't mean we shouldn't live or love. My friend just lost a dog but she rehoming him aged 9 and he had the best 3 years a dog could ever have.
   
   Relationship wise- do you actually like them? Do you do stuff and hobbies together?? Maybe you are a relationship as you didn't want to be alone -but it stops you from meeting someone else.
   
   Good luck

[user1471548941]

Take some time to settle in. I lived on my own for a year before my partner moved in, in a house I bought alone and it’s a weird feeling for a while- like you’re an island almost.

What worked for me was spending time making it my own- if you can’t afford to fully redecorate it was just stuff like chosing bedding, curtains, cushions, printing some of my favourite photos in frames. I took ownership of the space and by the time we started talking about him moving in, I was more nervous about sharing it than I had been about being lonely.

I also joined a gym in the local area so I could go out and mix with people whenever I wanted to get out and through that have joined a running club. I also schedule in seeing my family/ friends so that I always know when I’m next seeing someone.

It takes time though and you will adjust so don’t freak out and think you’ve made a mistake just yet. Also congrats on buying your home, alone, it’s a real achievement in today’s market.

[Topseyt]

You have only been in your house for three weeks. I think you need to give it more time.

We own our home and have moved several times too. It isn’t easy. I think after each house move it took me maybe a couple of months before I slowly stopped feeling like a visitor in what was now my home.

As soon as you can, start to make your mark on the house in order to make it your own. Paint rooms in your own choice of colours, get furniture you like, put up nice curtains that you have chosen yourself. Nice pictures to hang on the walls. At the moment it probably still feels rather too much like the previous owner’s home, with you as a guest. That is what you need to change.

You’ll soon be able to start asking some friends and family to visit occasionally too, as lockdown draws to a close, so that will soon be on the calendar.

If your partner/boyfriend is being too overbearing then consider seriously whether or not you really would be happy if he moved in.

[BaileysforBreakfast]

You could follow the advice of getting a lodger, but make sure it's a little old lady one. They could then teach you a thing or two about stereotyping.

[HarrietOh]

OP I live alone too, early thirties. Bought my own house after separating from ex-DH, done quite a bit saving and I'm so proud!
But yes, it can feel lonely. I'm used to it now! I have a cat, and when currently WFH I always have the radio on. Without it, my house is too empty and quiet.
I also have a DP of a year who has his own place. I moved in temporarily with him during lockdown but now I'm actually loving being back in my own house, that is all mine :)

[dworky]

@Limpid

I feel like a little old lady widow who is just living alone

You need to work on your internalised misogyny and ageism.

Particularly as most older women who live alone are very content.

[gumball37]

Get a pet. I lived alone for about 4 years until I was shortly married and had my first kid. Got a cat as soon as I moved in. Never felt lonely 😁

[mumwon]

get socializing or volunteering locally or sports

build up a social group
Probably the problem is isolation & everything stopping because of Coronavirus & not being able to mix
It will get better
(soon please goodness soon!!!!)

[Itwasntme1]

I live alone. Panicked at first, bought books on how not to feel lonely. Within a couple of months I absolutely loved it. Still do.

Make it as comfortable as possible, make it yours. Choose really personal decorations. Spoil yourself

[ginghamtablecloths]

Loads of things aren't what they're cracked up to be but please relax - the house is new to you and you just need to settle. It's bound to feel strange at first.
Take pleasure in little things to make it feel 'yours' - a pretty cushion, a bunch of flowers, etc. Remind yourself that you can do as you please without asking permission or run it past anyone. I'm a little old widow in a little house and while I miss my DH every day the house is mine, all mine - that's the small compensation. Good luck OP.

[msflibble]

Firstly - moving house sucks. We recently moved into our dream home and I still felt horribly uprooted for the first couple of months because it was such a big change, even if it was a change for the better. It takes time to feel really, truly comfortable in a place - it never happens instantly.

Secondly - forgive my speculation, but you don't sound too in love with your man. "Clingy" has negative connotations and implies you find him somewhat annoying. This in itself can make a person feel deeply lonely - it's definitely more lonely to be with the wrong person than it is to be literally alone.

Thirdly, you mention getting "even more depressed" if a pet dies. Are you suffering from mild depression? Being in a quiet, empty house can be wonderful, but if you're already depressed the silence can be deafeningly loud and can end up making you hyper-focused on all the things you perceive as being wrong with you and your life. Address any underlying issues first, before you assume it's the house making you miserable.

Finally, focus on making the place your own. Get on Pinterest and look up ways to make a place cosy and homely. Get into plants. Lots and lots of plants. Make sure your living room is a lovely nest of comfort. Lots of lamps, a nice sofa, bookshelves, throws and cushions will help with this. It sounds superficial, but having a lovely happy place to unwind in is good for the soul.