Got exactly what I wanted (own house) but feel miserable :(

[Smyths]

I’m mid-20s and have been living in house shares for about 6 years (it was overall awful with lots of bullying and overly bossy, and often creepy housemates moving in who would use my stuff, get controlling over mundane things like bin rotas and I basically spent my entire 6 years there with all my stuff crammed into my room and spending 99% of my time in the house in my room. I also hated that it was renting (money down the drain) so always wanted my own place.

I have a partner of a year who I feel can get a little overbearing/bossy if around for prolonged time periods but he is very kind, devoted and fairly clingy. I’d see him a few evenings a week and most of the weekend.

Now, I finally have what I wanted - a small 3 bed house 10 miles away which I bought and it’s all mine. Despite this, every morning when I get up I feel a sense of loneliness and dread (I’ve been here for over 3 weeks now) - it’s like the grass is always greener.

I feel like a little old lady widow who is just living alone. My parents are about 2 hour drive away and my partner about 40 min drive away.

Even when my partner is here, I don’t want him here when I’m trying to work and feel like responsible for entertaining him almost but being fully alone is tough too.

In the house share, I’d always hear people go in and out and potter around - even though they were often horrible and we wouldn’t even say hello, the house felt occupied which was comforting, I enjoyed being home alone in the house share as I knew it was a temporary state (they’d be back soon) and before then I lived with my parents.

Almost feel guilty for feeling so sad esp when I got exactly what I wanted.

Anyone else been in the same boat?

I barely have any friends except a few who are moving away to another country anyway.

[Beatrixpotterspencil]

There are plenty peo-le,renting who would prefer their own home.
There are also plenty people who rent precisely because they don’t want to,won their won home.
One is not morally superior to the other.
We live in a country that is literally obsessed with ownership, it always puzzles me.

If I had bought the property that I’m now renting, i would be fucked.
It didn’t work out and I am looking to move elsewhere.
We are all different, and I prefer the freedom of renting.
However I do believe I may have felt different if I’d had children.

[Beatrixpotterspencil]

Oh fuck my iPad and it’s cunty keyboard

[stealm]

1. You haven't been living there long. It takes time to adjust and get used to the quiet.
   

1. Put music on or the radio in the background
   

1. Get 2 pets, preferably 2 cats. (but only once you have considered whether you can care for them properly, what happens when you go on holiday, cost etc). I have 2 cats and it's never quiet here - sometimes I want them to stop talking and running around so I can work in peace, just for a couple of hours!
   

1. Have a weekly routine (it's difficult with lockdown at the moment) eg. Monday - some kind of night class; Tuesday - film evening, netflix and popcorn; Wednesday - meet friends; Thursday - pampering evening; Friday - night out on the town..... whatever you like, but having a couple of things planned in for the week really does help.
   

1. Get rid of partner - he sounds like a pain and you're already annoyed by him being too clingy when you're trying to work at home
   

1. Consider whether you might have some deeper issues to deal with - you sound very unhappy and seem to be trying to solve something or replace something missing by eg. buying the house and thinking that would make everything better.

[IamHyouweegobshite]

I did exactly the same, lived in house shares for 3 years, moved into my own house at 22. It was lonely, but I made sure I would keep busy and occupied, music always on, I got a rabbit too, do she kept me busy. In the end I loved my house and was worried when I got married and my husband was moving in. But it was fine.

[Pickles89]

Gerbils are good, as they're pretty happy in a decent gerbilarium (you can make one from an old fish tank) if they can come out for an hour or so free running in a safe space every evening. They're cute, lively and very intelligent. The downside is they only live for 3 or 4 years but they're very good company while they're around, without needing the input larger pets would.

[MikeUniformMike]

@yellowsunset, the expression is an insult to people who are, for possibly different reasons, renting. A roof over your head is a necessity, home ownership isn't.

[userxx]

We live in a country that is literally obsessed with ownership, it always puzzles me.

I've got no pension so couldnt afford to rent after I retire - where would I live? There are many benefits to buying a property, that one being a big one.

[Stoic123]

Just needs time. I lived on my own for 15 years and loved it. I then moved back into parents' home for a couple of years. Took a few months to adjust to living with people again - and then a couple of months' adjustment when I moved back into my own place.

Don't make any changes (pets/lodgers etc) for 3 months and see how you feel then.

[Embracelife]

Rent out the house to a single or family and move back into a house share in the area you like

Silly idea?
Well yeh but if buying was just about investment you could

Or get your own house mate by renting out a room

[Embracelife]

and go out locally say hello to the corner shop owner the takeaway cafe the pub ...

[WendyHoused]

As others have said, it takes quite a bit of time to adjust to single living after shared houses, but it will feel normal soon.

As you're not a cat or dog person a small pet like a couple of guinea pigs might be an idea. Easy to look after, a bit of company, cute noises but you can go away for a weekend and leave them with food and water no bother.

Also remember this situation is temporary. When lockdown lifts you'll have plenty of opportunities to make local friends, get to know your neighbours.

Box sets and a project are good loneliness-busters too. I refinished a stool and table while binge-watching films when I was living alone. I loved making something for my own place.

[PurpleThistles84]

I wish I had my head screwed on so well when I was your age OP! Instead I married young, had four children by your age and have pretty much had to accept that due to my life choices, I will probably never own a house.

I think you have done really well and the problem I think you have is that you have had this goal for so long, something to work toward, something to keep you going and now you have it, you have lost that goal. Time to make a new one! What comes next for you? What else do you want in life? What’s your next dream?

Also moving into any new place is difficult for a while. I have moved a lot in my life, and it takes me ages to adjust. Give yourself time. Are you making any time for hobbies and fun things? It’s all very well having the things we dream of having but not if it leaves no time to enjoy life a little.

[lakeswimmer]

OP give it time but if you'd sill prefer to live with someone else, do consider getting a lodger.

At your age I ended up living alone for the first time - I was pretty smug about it initially after years of house shares but realised after a while I was really lonely. There were some weekends that once I came home from work on a Friday I might not see anyone til Monday morning. Eventually I admitted that it wasn't the best set-up for me. A friend of mine knew someone who needed a lodger and so I moved in with this friend of a friend.

It worked really well as he worked from home but spent most evenings and weekends at his girlfriend's house. I worked in an office but was at home in the evenings so we each got the place to ourselves a lot but our paths would cross between 5pm and 7pm most days when we would have a chat and occasionally eat together.

If you can find someone you get on with it could work out and help you financially.

[MikeUniformMike]

@userxx, if, as a nation, we weren't so obsessed with home ownership, there might be affordable long term housing available.

You have known that you will be retired one day, so might it not have been prudent to have a pension?

Where is someone with no pension and no home meant to live in retirement?

[Bloops]

It does take a while to adjust but give it some time, i think you'll love it. Its so important to have your own space to do what you want, when you want. You should be so proud of yourself for what you've achieved so far - some people can only dream of this at your age :) like a previous poster said, get a cat? I cant imagine my house without my cat now. She has really helped make the house a home :)

[Notnownotneverever]

I would disagree with posters saying get a lodger. You have only been living alone for three weeks so to jump in to getting a lodger could be a massive mistake that is difficult to undo. Give it a good 3-4 months before considering a lodger.
A pet like a cat or dog might be a good idea. Something you can bond with and interact with. They certainly shouldn’t die soon OP so I wouldn’t worry about that. Cats can live for up to 15+ years.
Your relationship doesn’t sound the happiest though and I wonder if this is contributing to some of your negative feelings. Perhaps talk to him about how you are feeling especially the issues around entertaining him when he is staying with you.
Lockdown is making everything a bit difficult but when things ease try joining some clubs and see if you can meet people. Even walking, rambling groups might help.
Inside the house try leaving on the radio or tv but chose conversation type programs so radio 4, talk shows, morning magazine type shows like This Morning. Also audiobooks rather than just music. You might find the human voices/noise is what you are missing so these might help.
Hope things improve OP. I certainly wouldn’t overly worry yet. 3 weeks is still settling in.

[msflibble]

Firstly - moving house sucks. We recently moved into our dream home and I still felt horribly uprooted for the first couple of months because it was such a big change, even if it was a change for the better. It takes time to feel really, truly comfortable in a place - it never happens instantly.

Secondly - forgive my speculation, but you don't sound too in love with your man. "Clingy" has negative connotations and implies you find him somewhat annoying. This in itself can make a person feel deeply lonely - it's definitely more lonely to be with the wrong person than it is to be literally alone.

Thirdly, you mention getting "even more depressed" if a pet dies. Are you suffering from mild depression? Being in a quiet, empty house can be wonderful, but if you're already depressed the silence can be deafeningly loud and can end up making you hyper-focused on all the things you perceive as being wrong with you and your life. Address any underlying issues first, before you assume it's the house making you miserable.

Finally, focus on making the place your own. Get on Pinterest and look up ways to make a place cosy and homely. Get into plants. Lots and lots of plants. Make sure your living room is a lovely nest of comfort. Lots of lamps, a nice sofa, bookshelves, throws and cushions will help with this. It sounds superficial, but having a lovely happy place to unwind in is good for the soul.

[ginghamtablecloths]

Loads of things aren't what they're cracked up to be but please relax - the house is new to you and you just need to settle. It's bound to feel strange at first.
Take pleasure in little things to make it feel 'yours' - a pretty cushion, a bunch of flowers, etc. Remind yourself that you can do as you please without asking permission or run it past anyone. I'm a little old widow in a little house and while I miss my DH every day the house is mine, all mine - that's the small compensation. Good luck OP.

[Itwasntme1]

I live alone. Panicked at first, bought books on how not to feel lonely. Within a couple of months I absolutely loved it. Still do.

Make it as comfortable as possible, make it yours. Choose really personal decorations. Spoil yourself

[mumwon]

get socializing or volunteering locally or sports

build up a social group
Probably the problem is isolation & everything stopping because of Coronavirus & not being able to mix
It will get better
(soon please goodness soon!!!!)

[gumball37]

Get a pet. I lived alone for about 4 years until I was shortly married and had my first kid. Got a cat as soon as I moved in. Never felt lonely 😁

[dworky]

@Limpid

I feel like a little old lady widow who is just living alone

You need to work on your internalised misogyny and ageism.

Particularly as most older women who live alone are very content.

[HarrietOh]

OP I live alone too, early thirties. Bought my own house after separating from ex-DH, done quite a bit saving and I'm so proud!
But yes, it can feel lonely. I'm used to it now! I have a cat, and when currently WFH I always have the radio on. Without it, my house is too empty and quiet.
I also have a DP of a year who has his own place. I moved in temporarily with him during lockdown but now I'm actually loving being back in my own house, that is all mine :)

[BaileysforBreakfast]

You could follow the advice of getting a lodger, but make sure it's a little old lady one. They could then teach you a thing or two about stereotyping.

[Topseyt]

You have only been in your house for three weeks. I think you need to give it more time.

We own our home and have moved several times too. It isn’t easy. I think after each house move it took me maybe a couple of months before I slowly stopped feeling like a visitor in what was now my home.

As soon as you can, start to make your mark on the house in order to make it your own. Paint rooms in your own choice of colours, get furniture you like, put up nice curtains that you have chosen yourself. Nice pictures to hang on the walls. At the moment it probably still feels rather too much like the previous owner’s home, with you as a guest. That is what you need to change.

You’ll soon be able to start asking some friends and family to visit occasionally too, as lockdown draws to a close, so that will soon be on the calendar.

If your partner/boyfriend is being too overbearing then consider seriously whether or not you really would be happy if he moved in.