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AMA

My husband had an affair and we are still together AMA

151 replies

beccarocksbaby · 10/08/2019 21:41

I'll give you the high (low) lites and AMA

It was an emotional affair which progressed to sexting
With a coworker who knew he was married
We have a 13 year old (my son but he's raised him since he was 6)
It lasted 6 months
We've been together 6 years
It ended June 2018
I found out he didn't tell me
I read messages between them which made it obvious when looking for info on football for my son
After I found out it lasted a further month until i found out again 3 weeks in threw him out and then a week later he came home after staying with his mother
They had no physical contact but it was going to end up that way clearly
He still works with her

It's now over a year on and we are the strongest our relationship has been. I am 12 weeks pregnant. Accidentally. It's not all roses of course we are still working on things.

OP posts:

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matahairyy · 10/08/2019 21:42

I bet he had sex

LemonAddict · 10/08/2019 21:43

How are you so sure they had no physical contact?

EAIOU · 10/08/2019 21:46

I'd say something physical happened and he just agreed to what you found him out on.

I'm sorry you had that experience though.

Why did you stay with him and how do you trust him now?

31RueCambon · 10/08/2019 21:47

Sounds tough.
Do not give up yr job.

PeoniesarePink · 10/08/2019 21:50

Of course they had sex.

Do you not feel you deserve better?

gobbyone · 10/08/2019 21:50

They had sex.

He will do it again.

I hope you find someone else one day.

summertime06 · 10/08/2019 21:51

How do you find you're able to stay with someone you don't trust? I'm sure that would eventually affect my own self esteem, knowing I was with someone who doesn't have much respect for me.

beccarocksbaby · 10/08/2019 21:51

How are you so sure they had no physical contact?

Because they never had the chance. His time is accounted for in the majority.

Also she threw him under the bus HARD when he finished it with her. She would have told me along with the other slew of stuff a lot of which was true.

He has been forthcoming with details. Lots of them. I needed micro details of all of it. Some of the stuff I've heard has been far more hurtful than sex.

She has an STD. He does not. Not definitive of course but it helps.

OP posts:

gobbyone · 10/08/2019 21:53

Oh dear, he's seriously gaslighted you.

How do you know she has an STD? Have you seen her medical records?

beccarocksbaby · 10/08/2019 21:53

How do you find you're able to stay with someone you don't trust? I'm sure that would eventually affect my own self esteem, knowing I was with someone who doesn't have much respect for me.

Understanding the full picture of how he got there, what happened during, and the aftermath. Genuine remorse. It did effect my self esteem not just because what he did though. Because I had self esteem issues anyway which he contributed to: I have grown a lot because of this too.

He didn't respect me then. He does now.

OP posts:

beccarocksbaby · 10/08/2019 21:54

Sounds tough.
Do not give up yr job.

It was tough. It's not now.
Don't give up your job. It could happen to you.

OP posts:

31RueCambon · 10/08/2019 21:55

It lasted six months but they didnt have sex. 🙄🤷‍♀️

OP work on yr self esteem and visualise yourself as a single woman

What would you do if you',,d left?
Make sure that you know how to access all of those resources.

Whatever you would have to have done for real if you had split up, practice it so that you feel emotionally prepared. It will give you more power in the relationship if you have a plan B ready to go.

matahairyy · 10/08/2019 21:55

What was the kind of detail that did it for you?

beccarocksbaby · 10/08/2019 21:57

Of course they had sex.

Do you not feel you deserve better?

Ok, I'm glad you've got a better insight into my husband and relationship than me.

I do deserve better than how he treated me yes. Both of us understand that.

I deserve the man I have now. I deserve the happiness I have now.

My relationship was more important than letting one very large mistake take us down without a fight.

OP posts:

31RueCambon · 10/08/2019 21:58

What do you mean "it could happen to you".

It couldnt. I left my xh because he was an arsehole. I have a bf now. We have mo kids. If he cheated on me that'd be IT.

But when i was vulnerable in the relationship i had to leave. Emotionally, financially, practically...
I should haved shored myself up so i wasnt so vulnerable and powerless in the relationship.

Do you work OP?

beccarocksbaby · 10/08/2019 21:58

Oh dear, he's seriously gaslighted you.

How do you know she has an STD? Have you seen her medical records?

He DID gaslight me. Unless a years worth of independent and couples therapy has gaslit me as well then I'm confident i see things happily.

I know her husband. Well ex husband.

OP posts:

LemonAddict · 10/08/2019 22:00

Do you now have access to his phone/emails to check up on him?

Do you have access to his annual leave records at work... how do you know they didn’t both book time off together to go somewhere and have sex?

Do you have access to her medical records to know she has an STD?

beccarocksbaby · 10/08/2019 22:01

OP work on yr self esteem and visualise yourself as a single woman

What would you do if you',,d left?
Make sure that you know how to access all of those resources.

Whatever you would have to have done for real if you had split up, practice it so that you feel emotionally prepared. It will give you more power in the relationship if you have a plan B ready to go.

Thank you for your patronising and presumptive response.

I have an exit plan. I have legal protections. I own our house. I earn more money than him. I have my own finances.

I have all the power that I need to chose what I'm doing with my life and I chose to stay with him. My marriage is important too.

OP posts:

beccarocksbaby · 10/08/2019 22:01

What was the kind of detail that did it for you?

I don't understand the question sorry? Did what for me?

OP posts:

31RueCambon · 10/08/2019 22:01

Well just bear in mind that one day you might feel you deserve more happiness than you are feeling.

You forgave him once and that was before you had his child.

Where is the harm in having a plan b OP?
You clearly arent leaving!
But just make sure that if you ever decided to leave, you would have the option to make a choice.

gobbyone · 10/08/2019 22:02

Seriously, it is perfectly possible to deceive someone for a year.

You compartmentalise it- men are better at doing that than women usually. While he is sitting in the therapy session he almost believes everything he is saying- it's almost like method acting. People can keep that up for decades- that's how you end up with secret families etc.

He plays one part with you and another with her. It's a serious skill but it can be done.

You have no idea if she has an STD- which one was it btw?

PeoniesarePink · 10/08/2019 22:04

So he's told you they didn't have sex. And told her to tell you they didn't have sex. And he told you she had an STI, but he hasn't and that's his "proof".

He could power the national grid with that level of gaslighting.

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FenellaMaxwell · 10/08/2019 22:04

Is this the kind of role model you want for your son?

beccarocksbaby · 10/08/2019 22:04

What do you mean "it could happen to you".

It couldnt. I left my xh because he was an arsehole. I have a bf now. We have mo kids. If he cheated on me that'd be IT.

But when i was vulnerable in the relationship i had to leave. Emotionally, financially, practically...
I should haved shored myself up so i wasnt so vulnerable and powerless in the relationship.

Do you work OP?

I never ever thought my husband would be the type to cheat on me. Never in a trillion years. I was in utter shock for a long time then very very angry at my naivety.

I have a great career, earn more than my husband, and an exit plan if I need it. I wouldn't leave my job, I love it. It's part of me. I wouldn't be asked to leave it either (by him).

OP posts:

Nanamilly · 10/08/2019 22:06

Op, there’s nothing I want to ask you or say to you apart from have a lovely pregnancy and here’s to a good future.

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