I am finding this such a difficult and conflicting decision, and know that people on here can be really mean and judgemental, but it's fine, I'll stick on a crash helmet. This is a looooong one, I'm not going to bother with a TLDR, read it or don't I really don't care.
Myself (36f) and my partner (46m) are currently expecting are first child together, he has an adult son, this is my first child. He is extraordinarily close to his son, they are like best friends more than a traditional father son. They live together, and my partner is fiercely protective of him (as he should be) and would do anything for him. Seeing what a great dad he is made me want to have children with him in the first place. Our relationship was absolutely amazing in the beginning (but looking back, the red flags were there all along) he lovebombed me from here to the moon on a regular basis and I've never had a man so consistently and heartwarmingly tell me how incredible I am, how much he loves me, how lucky he felt to be with me, how I was his person, it was completely overwhelming. I had been diagnosed with cancer a year before, the kind that will effect me for a long time and potentially always be a battle, I had sadly almost ruled out meeting someone, I no longer had the oomph or confidence to feel desirable, I was constantly exhausted, unwell, I'd gained weight and coming off the back of the pandemic I felt out of sorts and isolated. Needless to say, I was completely bowled off my feet by this man swooping into my life and telling me I was the whole world. We became inseparable immediately, we rocketed to what felt like we'd been together years in weeks and I think we were both certain we'd found our forever person.
Then the cracks came... I realised that despite all the beautiful and amazing words he used, all of the loving declarations that he saw me, understood me, completely wanted me to be myself, express myself, be 100% me, it didn't seem to apply as soon as anything made him feel uncomfortable or felt like any kind of criticism against him. The second the smallest conflict would arise, the completely loving, understanding, caring, doting man would suddenly be replaced by a moody, avoidant, sullen teenager that couldn't express himself, empathise with my point of view, accept accountability for any hurt and would walk out as soon as he didn't want to deal with the situation. That transition to me seeing the full picture took a while, because in the beginning I was so shocked by his sudden change that I assumed I'd been in the wrong 100% and worked consistently on changing my behaviour, my opinions, working on my close mindedness to accommodate him, because I felt it must have been me being unreasonable. There are a lot of things I genuinely conceded on, I had got very judgemental about his political beliefs for example, and after a long reflection I started to understand some of his perspectives and I softened to accept them. Because at that point our arguments were short and both of us were desperate to quickly work our way back to being completely wrapped up in love, I just tried to ignore all the childish communication and avoidant behaviour and just resigned myself to being less emotional and reactive when he was like that, as everyone has their faults and this was my person.
As time went on, the conversation moved to starting a family, and I was really shocked to learn he was open to the idea, as I thought with our ages he wouldn't be, plus I had already ruled it out for myself due to my diagnoses and past relationships leaving me feeling like I didn't want to be a parent with an emotionally unavailable man. Because of my age I realised this wasn't a 'one day maybe' conversation and if we actually wanted to consider it I needed to chat to my Drs immediately and get the ball rolling. I was really shocked but pleasantly surprised to discover that pregnancy was perfectly possible in theory and my condition posed no risk to baby and plenty of women with my condition have a break in treatment to start a family, so he was happy for us to start trying at a certain point once I'd finished treatment with the hope I stayed in remission. I then had the chat with my partner about the timeline and the pause in my treatment was going to mean we had to try then if we wanted to! It was going to be a kind of 'now or never' type situation. He was a little shellshocked at the reality of facing a window, and this is another sign of who he is, he said all the words, loved the idea of us having a family, knew our ages and my treatment, but still kind of felt blindsided by the idea that time wouldn't just stand still until we felt 'ready' and then it would magically happen, he isn't very good at understanding that turning intentions into outcomes requires action, this is a main theme of our relationship issues and really should've raised major red flags for me early, but by this point I was still so in love, and now for the first time in my life genuinely could see myself as a mother with a partner I loved, and that was now my entire brain, all I could see was this beautiful future I never thought I'd have and suddenly the whole world opened up to me and I needed to make it happen.
We decided to go on a huge holiday to celebrate the end of my treatment, the holiday was to visit my family abroad, and it was incredibly important to me as he was the first man I'd ever taken back to my place of birth to meet my father and extended family, and it was going to be our only big holiday before we started trying to conceive and therefore for a very long time! The plan was that I was going to move into his place before we went as his son had moved to university and that was going to be were we lived whilst baby was small and we saved for a bigger more suitable place. He has no mortgage, so it meant our living expenses would've been low and we could easily save up for a proper house eventually but we'd find a way to manage the stairs with dog and baby in the beginning. Before we went, completely out of the blue (to me at least) his son decided he didn't want to renew the student tenancy and pay rent anymore, so he said he'd move back in to his Dad's flat and just commute to classes (he was close enough this was perfectly reasonable for him logically). I was completely shocked, I understood the son wanting to move back, but had to explain to my partner that I couldn't live in a cramped flat with another adult man whilst I was going through the vulnerable process of trying to conceive and then being pregnant, I couldn't cope with the idea of having to share a flat and singular bathroom with a young man who regularly had invited mates back from the pub drunk and had recently had friends back who were having sex on the kitchen counter next to the bedroom not long before. He would also frequently get back being sick at all hours from the pub, and the bathroom was already gross, my plan when I moved in was to completely transform the place from bachelor pad to family home (which my partner had wanted, this wasn't an unwelcome transition). And we were going to move our bedroom to the master bedroom (his sons room, my partner had the box room) and turn the box room into the nursery. I was also very concerned about how I'd cope if I had a miscarriage and had to share my space with a just out of teenage-hood man and his friends and had no escape (sadly I was proven to be very right in my fear of miscarriage, more on that later). My partner absolutely refused point blank to even have a discussion about the situation, he said when it came to his son there was no discussion to be had, his son has a home forever and that's that, we couldn't even talk about it, talk about other plans, absolutely nothing, the conversation and my shock were completely and utterly dismissed with zero thought given to the fact the rug had just been pulled out from under me. He got incredibly dramatic about me apparently wanting his son to be on the streets and homeless (completely bizarre, his son had a roof over his head, a tenancy ready to go for another year and just quite understandably for a boy of his age just didn't like paying rent!). The whole thing was absolutely shocking, I couldn't believe the way he acted and utterly dismissed any of my feelings and refused to even have a conversation about what was going to happen next. I wasn't saying his son couldn't move back but obviously it meant we had to now make plans about how we were going to go about working out our plans for starting a family and where we would live as his was obviously no longer suitable. He refused to entertain a single one of these perfectly reasonable discussions because he just saw it as an attack on his son (whom I adore by the way, this was never an issue with the kid, he's an absolutely lovely guy). After all this I was thinking of pulling out of the huge trip, but I couldn't get refunds, so I tried to see if my brother could come instead, but he couldn't get the time off. At this point I'd paid for absolutely everything, as despite not having any rent or mortgage to pay and him working so much I barely see him and he's constantly exhausted - my partner never has any money and is always broke. Eventually, desperate to believe our relationship could be saved (I now realise it was probably doomed from his reaction to the whole situation) I came up with the solution that he'd move into my place (a tiny ground floor one bed place I hated as I had an abusive neighbour that screamed at herself and others all day, it was horrendous, but it was out only option of being together as he wouldn't charge his son rent on his place which meant we couldn't afford anywhere else) he accepted the plan and all his words won me back because at this point I'd invested so much emotional energy into this man I was desperate we'd get our future somehow even if it would take a while. I again ignored the red flags that the entire resolution, plans, emotional labour of fixing his complete failure to communicate all fell on me and he just bimbled along telling me how much he loved me and was completey dedicated to me but never taking any action or displaying any ability to tolerate discomfort to show it. (Another major theme in our relationship). We went on the trip full of excitement, but in my heart, something had broken and I was filled with a kind of quiet sadness that I knew deep down I either had to give up the man I loved and possibly the chance of ever being a mother, or I had to accept a life with someone that couldn't communicate like an adult and dismissed by feelings so easily and callously without empathy. The window had now officially just opened for being able to TTC and we didn't know how long we had before the cancer came back, so it really felt like an urgent situation, we needed to wait a month until the drugs were out of my system, and then hope we got pregnant straight away.
The trip was incredible, certainly for him, he loved my country and my family, we had an amazing time in some ways, but there were some other major red flags that popped up along the way, I won't bother going into them here because I could write a book about them at this point so we'll be here all year, also the backstory to explain the family dynamics and what went wrong is quite complicated so I won't try. We had an incredibly hard end of the trip and I came back experiencing extreme anxiety, depression and I'd been let down by him again in a major way abroad, but he was seemingly oblivious as usual and all he could talk about was how amazing it was. We had a few arguments over the weeks we were back and being back to earth and realising he still didn't seem to intend to move in with me and as soon as we were back it was the same as before, he'd turn up and see me when it suited him, but then just live his own life as normal, make plans or work extra hours and days without consulting me, so I never knew when I was going to see him or not, whether to make dinner that night or not, would I be alone all weekend or not, it was just his way, but he never saw how hard it was for me to constantly live with uncertainty and insecurity in the relationship. He said he was always tired and didn't come back to mine because he was exhausted, but I pointed out we were about to start a family, being tired doing nothing around each other kind of had to become our normal. He'd only ever turn up with one change of clothes, never kept anything in his dedicated drawers at mine and it was clear he just wasn't commited to the relationship. The weird thing was, he did and still does insist to this day that I'm his entire world and he loves me more than anything and all he ever wants is to love me, protect me, make me feel safe and secure, be with me, and raise a child with me. Yet somehow he can't manage to work out being around for more than a day or 2 before going back to his.
We worked through the post trip challenges somehow, again me just trying so hard to believe all his words and intentions because he seems so sincere when he declares them, I kept thinking things would just get better and we were just in an awkward situation with my unsuitable place and his unsuitable place. It was all just circumstantial and we'd eventually work it out and it didn't need to be perfect in the beginning anyway, we'd work towards building a proper family unit. I acknowledged that the pregnancy time pressure due to my cancer was an unusual situation for both of us and therefore I accepted nothing felt conventional, but sometimes things aren't so let's go for it anyway.
The first month we tried, I fell pregnant, it was the absolute miracle dream I'd hoped for, that we'd immediately get pregnant, I'd get safely through a whole pregnancy before the cancer returned and could even breastfeed for a while before restarting treatment, I couldn't believe it happened so soon and felt it was all meant to be. That was one hell of an absolutely beautiful... 2 days. Sadly, the test didn't darken the next day and by the fourth day it was negative and stayed negative. My heart was broken I was in pieces, my world collapsed. Sadly I didn't realise this is what my life looked like for the next 6 months. My partner was caring and sad too, but didn't know what to say. He went to a big concert with his son and I stayed home sobbing (I told him to go to not let his son down, but being honest, I'm hurt he went, I couldn't have left even a stranger in that situation alone, let alone the partner I loved). I just accepted he wasn't an empathetic or emotional person which I already knew and for these kind of things I was on my own as woman, men aren't supposed to understand this kind of stuff. I figured we were lucky we conceived straight away and I was kicking myself that a concert we had all attended on the day I found out was what caused the loss (it wasn't, but I was heartbroken and blamed myself). I thought if it happend the first time that quickly it would definitely happen again soon, and I was absolutely right.
The following month I immediately fell pregnant again and was delighted, although a little nervous when I got the test. I didn't have any reason to think it would happen again, I still thought it was me overdoing it that had caused the loss anyway. Well, it happened, the same pattern, 2 days of positives and a negative. This happened for 5 months in a row. My partner had no clue how to support me, he couldn't cope with my fluctuating hormones and emotions and basically stayed away during the rough times and didn't get emotionally invested at all. He didn't ask when I was ovulating or if I had positive tests or if I was losing a pregnancy, he kind of just didn't seem to want to know and went all quiet and weird if I talked about it. I asked if he was happy I was losing them to which he seemed shocked and saddened I thought that, but honestly he was such a closed book I had no idea. I wondered if he was having an affair or didn't want to keep trying, I had no clue, we were strangers to each other. He always complained about how tired he was from work so he barely came over, there was no progression in him moving in, he wasn't there any more than before, he hadn't learnt to communicate, he still walked out any time he felt uncomfortable and he just kept insisting I was his whole world, he loved me, he wanted to be there for me and if I fell pregnant and stayed pregnant he'd be there all the time and move in. Weirdly I did and still do believe that he was being genuine. Once again, it goes back to the fact that he believes intentions account for everything, he doesn't seem to understand consequences or that you have to actually work at making someone feel loved and supported, he seems to think that by just thinking he wants to love and support me magically makes it happen.
In between all of this I was starting to come to my senses and realised this relationship was deeply flawed and unhealthy but I was so invested in being a Mum and the window was closing I couldn't see straight. I contacted my Dr about what was going on and they ran all the tests, I had so many appointments, investigations and nothing obvious was wrong with me, the Dr needed samples from my partner to progress a referral to the fertility clinic, so I asked him to get that sorted as I couldn't book it for him and he said he would. In addition to all of this the cancer came back, I was devastated as I thought the window had shut, but miraculously my Dr had chatted to several top oncologists and because the cancer was so slow moving and they had another drug available that was safe for use in pregnancy and could just keep the levels low enough, it extended the window, not forever, but enough we could get answers and keep trying for a bit. At some point however we realised it wasn't happening easily and I'd need to reconsider my old treatment, so my oncologist referred me to have my eggs frozen before resuming the old treatment so maybe a few years down the line we could try and I'd be in remission again. I was sensible enough when they asked if I wanted eggs or embryos frozen to choose eggs, as although embryos have a higher chance, you're tied to that person and if they withdraw consent your embryos are destroyed, there was no way I could risk that so I chose eggs. Anyone that's experienced this knows that the final days you don't know what day you need to have the retrieval done, which meant he needed to have days off after both date options. He said he totally understood and had it all sorted, but he clearly just believed it would definitely be on the planned 'most likely' date. He knew I'd need someone with me for 24-48 hours after so he took the first two days off and I kept checking he had the days off after the second option too, and he said yes. Well, surprise surprise, he didn't, he had booked in work for the days after option 2 date, and yes, obviously, that was the date they needed to do the collection. Up until the night before the egg collection I wasn't sure if I was going alone because we were barely talking and he was angry with me for being annoyed he hadn't actually taken the time off for afterwards as promised. I was so nervous already and it was horrendous. The next morning we went in and he was by my side and caring and loving, and I needed that so I took it. On the day, despite there being 12 eggs on the scan it looked like they'd collect, they only got 3 and admitted it was a very poor result unlikely to yield a pregnancy in future but not impossible, also that the NHS only funds one round of egg preservation and I wouldn't get funding for more. I was inconsolable. Beyond devastated. I'd endured 5 losses and a failed egg retrieval, my cancer had returned and my relationship was so painful to be in I knew I had to leave, it was honestly a kind of hell I find it still
hard to look back on.
I turned inwards, did as much research as I could, tried to fight the system for more funding, looked into all my future options, nothing was coming up that didn't carry so many unknowns and uncertainties and nothing yielded any answers. My partner still hadn't gone to get his sperm checked, started therapy, moved in, any of the things he promised. Christmas was approaching by this point and we'd agreed to host his whole family for a lunch of 12 people I was cooking (just for reference, we were hosting Christmas in someone else's huge house, this wasn't our place, the owners were abroad and we had their house and dogs over Christmas) our relationship was in tatters and I was a broken woman. I genuinely don't understand how I got though each day at that point, everything felt so surreal. When he and I got on there was so much love there, there still is, the love has never left, it's just covered by so much pain sometimes it's hard to see it. I put on a brave face over Christmas, but it was so clear it was over and we had to break up but our love just kept us glued together. Unexpectedly a couple of days after Christmas I realised I was pregnant. I was totally shocked because I was told I probably wouldn't ovulate for a while after egg collection so certainly did not expect it. I had that final loss on new year's day, and again, my world broke, I knew that was the last hope, I knew it wouldn't have been right either, but the glimmer of hope was still there. His reaction was all I needed to know. He sat next to me comforting me through my sobs (he didn't say anything, but he had his hand on my leg and hugged me, that's all he's able to offer in the moment, never words) he did make a vague comment about whether or not this now meant he couldn't go to a gig that night, and I told him as usual it was his choice. In my desperation I told him I needed him to get the test he'd promised and to quit smoking weed as I'd read recurrent miscarriage can be caused by DNA damage from cannabis. He jumped up from next to me and walked out the room and I honestly thought for a minute, that seeing me like this again had finally woken him up, he was going to chuck away his weed and make an appointment with the Dr and enough was enough, that seeing me in this state again was too much for him to handle and he needed to do something to stop it. What an absolute idiot I was. As I sat there sobbing I heard all this movement and activity and realised he was piling all his presents from family and his stuff up in the kitchen ready to go. I couldn't find him so went upstairs I found him lying on one of the beds just doom scrolling twitter or something on his phone, I was shocked as he'd left in the middle of an important and difficult conversation and he just answered 'what' like a moody teenager and wouldn't look at me. I had enough, I snapped and I told him to leave, immediately, he acted shocked. I said he'd started packing his stuff already to leave so follow through with your intentions and leave, he kept saying he was 'just tidying up ' and wasn't planning to leave, but I told him to get out, now, adrenaline was pumping and I was DONE! I kicked him out and I was truly done and ended our relationship and decided to move on with my life.
For January and February I was in a dark place, I missed him but was glad we'd split up as it had been so painful being with him. I had to start the old treatment again in February and had no eggs on ice, so realistically I had to accept the chances were I'd never have a family, it was absolutely devastating to me, but I knew the cancer would come back too much eventually and the window would close and with my age, by the time the window reopened and I could try coming off treatment again I'd be nearly 40 (I know not impossible but I already had limited reserves and the treatment would diminish that further). I wasn't handling the situation well and was out with friends drinking too much and not living my best life. One night I found myself duped back to a guy's place pretending my friends had all gone there and it was a party, I got there and it was just the guy, it was horrible and I felt vulnerable and stupid and I called my at this point ex to rescue me, he was there in minutes and was my hero and held me through the night, despite everything, I felt safe back with him. He told me how he'd quit weed when we broke up at New Year, he was going to get himself tested and made an appointment with the Dr, in the time we'd been apart he was retraining in a new career so he wasn't tired and exhausted all the time, he said he understood everything he'd put me through, I missed him so much I bought it all, because I needed it to be true. Within a week, I was pregnant.
I expected the pregnancy to go like the others, and was annoyed that I had to go through the turbulence of another loss when we'd just reunited and I was moving (I found myself a new place to move into away from the psycho neighbour) he promised to support me this time and I kind of just decided to ignore it and wait until the bleeding and pretend it was my period, so I didn't test and just braced myself for the emotional rollercoaster. To my shock, it didn't seem to go like the others, so I tested, positive, the next day, darker, then darker again, I got my blood tested and it showed positive. I wasn't getting my hopes up, but this time it was different and I was in shock. Then... At 4w+3d I had a bleed, I called him and he came rushing to me as I sobbed and he held me in the bath sobbing, we were devastated, we thought this was the time. He came with me to appointments to EPU and they initially also thought I'd lost it and she was talking about referring me to the recurring loss clinic. I had hope though, the bleeding had stopped and I wasn't cramping, the nurse looked at me like I was deluded but I said I didn't think I'd lost it and I wanted to assume all was fine until we knew it wasn't. Over the following week my bloods showed rising hormones, then we saw the sac, then baby, then heartbeat and each time we couldn't believe it, it felt like a miracle. I'm now 16 weeks and can still barely get my head around it, but I am beyond delighted about the baby.
Sadly, my relationship is the same, even in the new place perfectly suitable for us, he's barely here, he hasn't helped much with the move, I've done all the DIY and most of the decorating, made all the plans, plans for baby, plans for the future. His plan was to rent his flat out to cover the rent here but he lost it at me one night and said his son could live at his as long as we wanted and he wouldn't charge him full rent, he then said if anything happened to him his son would inherit everything and I had to trust the son would 'sort us out' I pointed out it wasn't his son's responsibility and he repeatedly said 'fuck you, fuck you, you don't trust my family, you don't know my family'. It was horrendous, I was dealing with the effects of cancer treatment, morning sickness, financial crisis and my partner is standing in front of me swearing at me after telling me he has no plans to financially support me or the baby despite having a year and half to prepare for this eventuality. His answer seemed to be he'd just work twice as hard to support two households, despite the fact I already barely see him because he works 12 hour days but has no money. Whenever I've tried to question that he gets angry and defensive and explains why he doesn't earn enough to cover stuff. I didn't talk to him for weeks after that and he was eventually sorry and said he wouldn't talk to me like that again and once again won me round, but then immediately went back to his old ways the second I wasn't annoyed with him anymore. After everything that's happened and him barely being around, he's still not doing the things he promised he'll do, keeps turning up when he feels like it, making plans and working shifts when we're supposed to be doing stuff, is always too tired to help me and doesn't have the money to support me. I always feel nervous and unsafe when he's around, he doesn't protect my safety, his dad let himself into my home without my knowledge or consent to 'help me out' and sanded an old Victorian door releasing lead paint all over my new home, I had to leave immediately and told my partner the risks to the pregnancy but he refused to tell his dad to stop turning up and that he'd done anything wrong, meaning his dad turned up again and sanded a whole wall in the bathroom, I lost it at my partner and said he had to tell his dad to stop turning up and he still refused so I locked the doors and hid the next time his Dad turned up to do unwarranted work on my home. He prioritised his dad's ego over my pregnancy and I ended up being told to go to A&E over bank holiday, having to drive around to get lead tests (yes the paint contained lead) and then waiting an agonising 2 weeks not knowing if my baby was safe until I got the lead results back. He refuses still to tell his dad why I don't want him helping anymore and his dad hasn't even messaged to apologise or congratulated me on the pregnancy. The final straw came the other day when he said he'd help clear some stuff out of the shed before the next morning as people were coming to do stuff in the shed, he said it would only take 5 minutes, but was here 3 hours and barely spoke to me until I asked him to leave because it was uncomfortable, however he'd been outside for ages so I thought he'd done the shed, but the next morning when the people were on the way I went out and realised he hadn't touched it so had to do all the heavy lifting myself. He turned up at the very end when I'd finished, I didn't say a word to him in anger, around that time someone arrived at the gate, my dog was jumping around and barking, but he knows she is not allowed out of the gate as we live by a 60mph road and after the gate there's no barrier to stop her running off to the road. He stood there with me trying to call my dog away from the gate, and just opened it and let her out?!?! I screamed his name to grab her and he just walked off to his van and drove away. His ego couldn't handle I'd yelled about putting my dog in danger. I got her to safety, once the person at the gate left I called him, he didn't answer. I messaged him told him to leave me alone, blocked him on everything and locked the door and wouldn't answer when he came back. He left pretty quick anyway. So much more stuff has happened before and since but I'm getting tired of writing now, and anyone that's made it this far is doing well anyway, congrats on being an avid reader. I feel like part of me should just accept who he is and know he'll never be a partner and blocking him is petty and unnecessary, but he wins me back every time with denials (he is textbook DARVO in every single conflict) and I don't have the energy to hear about how hurt he is, followed by random messages all day about the weather and emojis and pretence all is normal which he always does. I'm absolutely exhausted, I feel like life will genuinely be easier raising this child alone and I'm genuinely concerned about our safety around him, he doesn't have common sense, like I found bits of MDF furniture offcuts in the fireplace for burning and had to explain it's full of formaldehyde and I can't burn that, he just doesn't think about anything logically or practically. He is sometimes a truly loving, fun, wonderful guy though and I wish I could just absorb the rest of it and allow him in my life but I don't know if I can. I feel like he's not abusive or cheating so I should tolerate his flaws to some extent, but it genuinely makes my life harder. Just to clarify I run my own business and have worked full time through all of this, my cancer, the losses, the house move. He has given me nominal financial help a few times but hasn't ever consistently or actively supported me, so being pregnant and unable to support myself financially is a new experience for me and a very vulnerable and scary one. I feel so conflicted as I know he's heartbroken at the thought of us not raising this baby as a family, as am I, I truly love him, warts and all, but I don't think he'll change and I don't know how I can live with this behaviour, it seems best to break up now so our child doesn't have to deal with this for years to come and maybe we can forge a friendship before baby is here. I know I'll have to unblock him eventually but right now I just need some peace. This post has kind of been therapy for me, so I don't expect anyone to really read it, but I had to mind dump the last 3 years of my life somewhere, so, you're welcome Mumsnet! Thanks to anyone that did care enough to read. Apologies for any typos.