Help me...I'm driving myself crazy!

[Pinc]

I'm going around in circles and could really do with a fresh perspective on this. DH is sick to death of talking it over with me (don't blame him!) but I just don't know what to do!

I've been a happy SAHM nearly all my adult life, working part time in the evenings doing pin-money jobs, such as shelf stacking and waitressing. Since my youngest started school I've always worked term time in schools in jobs which meant I could take the DC's to school and pick them up.

I quite enjoy the job I have now and it fits perfectly around the kids but it is quite poorly paid and it's not really where my heart is. I want to be a midwife. I am also desperate to study for a degree and boost my earning potential. I suppose what I'm craving is the journey to a career that I didn't do when I left college. I'm also horribly aware that DH's income is dropping all the time, and after supporting me and the kids for so many years, I'd really like to be the one to boost the coffers.

The only thing stopping me from going for it is that I know midwifery is 24/7 and involves alot of shifts, nights, weekends, on calls etc. and I'm not sure my family could cope with that. I thought if I waited for my children to get older it would get easier, but every year there is a new reason not to do it or why I'm needed at home. I don't think the time will ever be right. I so wish I wanted to be a teacher or something else that would fit around family life more easily - but I don't.

I really want to do this, to earn my degree, to study a subject I love, and to earn a decent wage, but I feel selfish and can't get past the feeling of guilt because I know I would have to use childcare. My eldest DC's are at secondary school, but my youngest doesn't start junior school until September. I thought when they were at secondary school they wouldn't need me quite so much but that doesn't seem to be the case. I'm also aware that I'm not getting any younger (I'm 37) and that midwifery is very competitive and difficult to get into.

When will the time be right? Will it ever be right? Do I just get on and do it? Or wait until they're all at secondary school/college/left home/married/got jobs? Or do I settle for the job I've got and enjoy the kids while I can? Or settle for a career in something that might fit better with family life?

I'm going around in circles and doing my head in. Any advice from you lovely mumsnetters would be warmly welcomed.

If you could fit an au pair in your house that could work well as wraparound care and then you could just go for it.

Hi Pinc,
Do you know any midwives, or could you arrange to chat to a midwife to find out how they manage the life/work balance? A lot of midwives must be in this position - perhaps getting someone's perspective who works in this job would be helpful.

Also, it does strike me from your message that you are really keen on this - just a hunch, but it sounds to me as if you feel you won't truly feel fulfilled unless you've tried to become a midwife. Is this so, do you think?

Another thought: do you think fear is holding you back at all? For example, you are really keen on becoming a midwife, but you are also thinking of a lot of barriers - almost as if you're trying to think of reasons not to do it.

Would you do an access course, or do you have recent qualifications? Where I live, adult returners to Higher Ed are generally required to have fairly recent quals, so doing an access course would help you assess your options, and work out if it was truly for you.

best of luck with your dream!

Thank you for answering

Iwantcats - DH is dead against an au pair, and we don't have a spare room so I'd have to turf a DC out of their room. I'm also not sure my student loan would cover the cost of an au pair although I have no idea how much I would get. Thank you for posting though.

Travellerintime - I do know a few midwives bt they all seem to have DH's who work flexibly or very supportive parents. Either that of their children are much older.

You're right about the feeling fulfilled thing. I've always wanted to be a midwife (and I've always wanted to study at university) and I've always been 'Pinc who wants to be a midwife' to family and friends too.

I do need to do study before I can even apply which just adds to the whole process. Every year I say I'm going to do it, and then tell everyone all the reasons why I've backed out. Now when I mention it I get the face because they hear it every year (11 years now ). I'm not suprised they're bored of hearing it,I bore myself with it! Every time I decide to go for it I think of all the reasons why it would be difficult and get myself into a state over it.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. The not feeling fulfilled thing has really struck a chord.

What about childminder for youngest, older DC fend for themselves during week until you / DH gets home and you make sure you have quality time as a family at the weeken and in holidays? TBH it sounds as if your DH coule be more supportive.

It does REALLY seem that midwifery is the job for you and I think you have to start taking the steps to make it happen. In my experience if you make the small steps towards a goal then the solutions to achieving it will gradually appear iykwim?

I would start straight away by working out what those first steps are - everything will take longer than you think anyway. Apply asap for whatever course you need to start out on - access or whatever. You can always review the decision further down the line if it all seems impossible - but I guarantee that it won't.

Go for it.

ps - an au pair might not be right for you but you need to get dh on board with this regarding other forms of childcare. Does he understand what this means to you (and ultimately what it will mean for both of you?). If he is generally supportive then when he realises that you are serious he will work with you to come up with a modus operandi which works for you as a family.

Go for it or you will always regret it.

Iwantcats - Thanks for coming back to the thread. If I do go ahead it will probably have to be a c/m for the youngest. I feel quite guilty about it though.

Zippy - thanks for replying. DH is supportive in theory but in practice he's not really. He says the right things but if I'm going out in the evenings he always gets grumpy and impatient with the kids so I feel like I can't leave them which is putting me off taking evening classes this year (access). He's happy for me to go to college as long as it wont affect him too much. He would rather I just stayed in my current job, at least until my youngest is at secondary school. He isn't so keen on the shift element of midwifery either.

I do worry I'll regret it if I don't do it. But I'm worried I'll reget it if I do. MIL keeps reminding me how they are only small once etc.

Pinc, the problem seems to be that your husband does not really see himself as a parent with childcare responsibilities at all, more as a traditional breadwinner.

If he were what used to be called a "new man" I honestly believe you just would not have the same dilemma because you would trust him to give quality time to the children and you would be used to sharing loving childcare and this would make me happier about the idea that other people could do it e.g. father, childminder ...

I suspect that even when all the children have left home your being a midwife would still somehow turn out to be inconvenient for your husband, your night shifts would turn out to be when he needed his shirts ironed or something like that!

Can you talk to your husband some more about this? Perhaps Relate could help, it sounds like he is happy with his role in the marriage and home forever but you are not and this issue could eat away at you, you don't sound like a doormat who would put up with it forever.

Morning Iwantcats

Yes, I think you've hit the nail on the head, he enjoys his traditional role and doesn't want that to change. He is a very good dad but doesn't really enjoy being the one in charge for any length of time. He is perfectly capable but sometimes I think he creates negative situations when I'm out on purpose so that when I get back I feel guilty. If I'm going out for an evening he quite often starts arguing with the kids over something so I don't want to leave. I'm not even sure he knows he does this.

I do feel a bit resentful sometimes that everything I want to do seems to be an inconvenience, even though I want to get myself a good career, and ultimately benefit my family. I'm sure he would be more supportive if I wanted to do a traditional degree and would be home in the evenings and weekends.

I'm going to try and talk to him about it later and explain how I feel.

Thank you!

Good luck!

Oh and your MIL can back off, too, with "they are only small once" - it's not like studying would mean you would never see them and my goodness you have put your time in with young children already! And actually I think the shift work of midwifery can work quite well with being able to spend time with your children, more than a 9 - 5 office job with commute.

I've done it!!!
After having 'the conversation' with DH (didn't go terribly well) I have phoned my local college and I have an interview later this week for access! I can't believe it. Just need to decide whether to go for it full time or part time as unfortunately I can't give up work yet. So excited!

Thank you for the support

Pinc,
Congratulations - good luck, really hope it works out for you.