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Original poster

High achievers are either (a) men or (b) women whose children in childcare 24/7. Discuss.

30 replies

MarionCole · 07/07/2010 20:30

Feeling miserable about an underachieving career, brought on my the fact that I have been googling acquaintances to find out what they are up to.

Ex-husband is a consultant orthopaedic surgeon who will be earning £shedloads.

Ex-partner is finance director of a plc who will be earning £shedloads.

All of the people I trained with are director of this and director of that.

I took a downward step when I went back to work after having DS and I'm now earning less than I did 15 years ago.

It's not all about money. I wouldn't give up DS for the world and couldn't bear to spend any less time with him than I already do. And my exes don't come close to DH.

But I need a new car and I can't afford one and I'm pissed off.

OP posts:
violethill · 07/07/2010 21:38

Disagree. I think it's more complex than that, and depends on many factors - eg whether you give up work completely, or how long you stopped for.

As a general rule, if you are never prepared to use any form of childcare, it's unlikely you'll be able to achieve much career-wise, simply because if you insist on not working until your children are at school, and you then insist on dropping them off, picking them up, and never working in school holidays, you are limiting yourself to virtually nothing. There is, however, a vast spectrum of childcare, and it's perfectly possible to maintain a high status well paid career while balancing a happy home life.

Original poster
MarionCole · 07/07/2010 21:38

Just me then

OP posts:
Original poster
MarionCole · 07/07/2010 21:41

If I had stayed in my career and attempted to maintain a high status, DS would have had to be in childcare from at least 7am to 7pm. OK, not 24/7 but as good as. He currently sleeps 12 hours at night so I would never have seen him. My current hours mean that he is in nursery from 8am to 5pm, but I have no career any more to speak of.

OP posts:
MaeMobley · 07/07/2010 21:48

No, not just you. I try not to compare myself to DH and my peers who have done well career-wise. It's too depressing.

BelleDameSansMerci · 07/07/2010 21:53

I've pretty much screwed my career by having DD (now 2.10). I've got a chance to get it back now because I have a senior sponsor. If I didn't have him, I'd be coasting in my job.

I'm still doing ok, don't get me wrong, but I can't really succeed in my current role unless I travel a lot and see very little of DD. If I am offered the role I've recently applied for I will get a promotion and be based nearer to home with less travelling. It's a very lucky break. Fingers crossed!

Sadly, to a certain extent I think your OP is correct except that you left out women with no children

Original poster
MarionCole · 07/07/2010 22:02

Good luck BelleDame.

Part of my problem is that I live about an hour from any city, so local opportunities are limited. Pre-DS I was happy to commute for 3 hours per day. I'm not prepared to move closer to the city because we are all settled here and it's a lovely place to live.

Compromise compromise compromise.

I'm toying with setting up my own practice so that I have more control over my own fate. When DS gets his 15 hours pre-school then I'll have time to start it up, by the time he starts school I'll be able to work a good 6 hours per day. I can work evenings too if I want to pour more time into business development. It's the only way at the moment that I can see myself being in a career position that I'm proud of.

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 07/07/2010 22:18

Do it, do it! How wonderful to be able to start your own business.

Original poster
MarionCole · 07/07/2010 22:26

I'm a scaredy cat though, I'm convinced I won't get any work. At least I am bringing in some income at the moment, even if it's not enough to buy a new car! I should give it a try though, shouldn't I. I think it would improve my self-respect. And you never know, I might be very successful and in a few years be earning £shedloads.

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 07/07/2010 22:38

I was toying with the idea of starting my own business if my company offered their usual "tax free lump sum and never darken our door again" scheme but they haven't done it yet this year. I found the research alone was enough to get me fired up and enthusiastic about it. You could start with the research and see how you feel? You don't have to make a decision yet, after all.

foreverastudent · 07/07/2010 23:49

"the compleat woman" by valerie grove was a series of interviews with 'highly successful women' (defined as £100K pa career, 3+ kids + 25 yr marriage)

basically the conclusion was that you could have it all if you had a rich+supportive husband and were happy using nannies/boarding school.

Ronaldinhio · 08/07/2010 00:04

i think a very well remunerated position requires the sort of sacrifices i am no longer prepared to make
tis only a job at the end of the day

Original poster
MarionCole · 08/07/2010 19:48

I think my only chance is to win the lottery.

I have done quite a bit of research, looked into all the regulation, even started to build a website. I know what I would need to do, it would only really take me a couple of weeks to get started. Getting clients would be the challenge, I'm crap at business development (although I might be better if it was my livelihood that depended on it rather than doing it for the benefit for someone else).

OP posts:
veryconfusedandupset · 09/07/2010 14:56

I did very well in my former career, but had to work more than full time when the children were little. We had a lovely nanny who was and remains part of our family, I am firmly convinvced she looked after the children far better than I could have done, as she was patient, loved kids games,made them eat crusts etc. whereas I was 50% harridan and 50% walk over. It was much better all round, and I never ever felt guilty about it.

EnglandAllenPoe · 09/07/2010 15:01

you have forgotten c) women who don't have children

although there is also d) women who can work from home (so even if there is childcare there, they are still involved)

Where's Xenia when her twopence is almost cried out for?

AxisofEvil · 09/07/2010 15:11

Sympathise with your position but you don't help yourself with the thread title TBH.

MathsMadMummy · 09/07/2010 15:11

I have two beautiful, clever, happy children, that's high achieving in my book

(sorry - I do see your point about comparing yourself to others... not to mention the lack of car...)

MarineIguana · 09/07/2010 15:12

Depends what you mean by high-achiever. I don't earn 100K, maybe half that pro rata (I work pt). But, I'm self-employed, work from home, adore my job and am successful at it and it is high-status, so I'm seen as "succcessful" by other people.

If £££ is the point then yes I think it is rare to earn a LOT of money or get into very senior management/directorship as a mum of small children. But I think you can have the best combination of satisfaction/success/money/low-stress if you can work for yourself at home. No commute also means more money for you and time for your DC.

StealthPolarBear · 09/07/2010 15:14

and e) families with a SAHD and f) families who let the GPs take care of the DCs pretty much full time

WreckOfTheHesperus · 09/07/2010 15:22

g) women who live near work and have incredible mothers. (This is me)

ISNTitFUNtoBEinDISGUISE · 09/07/2010 15:33

I'm not fussed about being a high achiever (lazy)

I would like to be a moderate achiever though and have been a bit at how things have nosedived since I became pg with DD1. I thought I was making teh right choices but am now earning less than DH when I used to earn comfortably more and i miss the feeling that I have responsibility and ca command a reasonably good wage.

It's all hard isn't it, I wish they'd do something about men taking time off for children too.

Original poster
MarionCole · 09/07/2010 19:33

Sorry axis, didn't realise my thread title was contentious. It's clearly not as simple as the title, I'm aware of that.

I wish my parents would move closer so that they could help out more, I keep dropping very heavy hints but they don't seem to be getting the point.

OP posts:
StillSquiffy · 12/07/2010 14:08

How old is your child? Sounds like you only changed jobs recently - were you tracking all of your exes and peers before you had a baby? I know very few directors who have had to give that up when they had kids - though I know plenty who were below this level who have given up their careers because they cannot make the sacrifices to reach director level.

It is very frustrating that you cannot make continue to advance your career once you have kids. But it is fact. The choices are:-

a) Get to the top then have kids
b) Have kids and rely on childcare during the week

There isn't really a plan (c) that involves career progression on a part-time basis that allows for proper work-life balance. And none of the people you are comparing yourself against have the work-life balance that you want, either, so it isn't as if they are not making sacrifices themselves. If you want it you can go get it, but yes, you need to rely on childcare.

MrsC2010 · 13/07/2010 16:29

Depends what you class as success, high achievement and happiness to be honest.

GetOrfMoiLand · 13/07/2010 16:35

Or (d) have a child at 17, do all your studying at night whilst working full time in the day, you have all this boundless energy as you are so young, then by the time you are in your late 20s you have achieved as much as someone who went to university in the more traditional fashion (and didn't have kids young). You then do not have to take a career break in your 30s like the majority of your colleagues because by then your child is a teenager and life is easy (easier).

Worked for me.

GetOrfMoiLand · 13/07/2010 16:36

Mind you I do not earn 100K, but am doing well in my career.