Can I put my foot down about staying overnight for work away from my DCs?

[BosomsByTheSea]

I have 9 month DTs and have had to go back to work. DH is a fantastic SAHD and the DTs adore him - actually he is so patient and laid back I think they have a better time with him than with me all day! Anyway, I am still bf them twice a day morning and evening (they dropped their 4pm feed in the last couple of weeks) - both very good eaters. They don't seem to notice too much when I say goodbye (big kisses and hugs but not much response from them yet except giggling - guess they haven't grasped the significance of 'goodbye' yet) and big gummy grins when I get home. Let's not go there with the guilt thing - I would rather be at home, but my job is our only income and it is very well paid and very flexible so I think we'll be sticking with this arrangement for now, at least.

ANyway, my problem is this and I would like some advice. As I said, my job is extremely flexible (I manage my own diary) so I am often able to work from home and have lunch with the DTs and DH, and 'be around' a bit in the daytime. HOWEVER, sometimes there are long all day meetings that I need to travel for (eg 3 hours travelling for a meeting starting at 9.30 and finishing at 5pm, meaning I would have to leave home at 6ish and not get back till 8ish pm), and in September a meeting is coming up where I would need to stay away overnight .

Can I put my foot down and say I can't go to these meetings because I don't want to be away from my boys for such a long day or overnight? I am contracted to work 37 hours per week, but attendance at these meetings is expected - what have others done? Any advice welcome. I know I CAN leave them (ie they would be physically OK), but I don't WANT to stay overnight without them, or to work such long days.

What do you think. At a year old am I being silly to not want to leave them overnight, or am I justified in saying 'no'?

Thanks in advance.

I think you need to choose your battles,if you enjoy your job and it suits you- you do have childcare and its only 1 night,Id say make it clear you dont like leaving the babies but you are prepared to bend then if a future occasion comes up where you are expected to stay longer or something you can at least say well i bent that time im not prepared to do it this time.

I should think by refusing now it might irk some people.

Thanks Nickschick - yes I know I am very lucky in my job and they have been extremely accommodating (for eg saying I could be home every day by 4.30pm in order to do the afternoon feed when I first went back).

It just feels wrong to leave them, even for 1 night

Bosoms, this is going to sound hard, but you are going to have to leave them sometime.

I know how hard it is, I resisted travelling until each of my children was nearly 1, but felt that after that, I was abusing the flexibility of my employer and, TBH, the good nature of my colleagues. These meetings are part of your job and as such, you should be able to attend them, or look for other employment which is more in tune with your homelife.

Please don't think I'm being a bitch, I really feel for you - it's not easy, and I can imagine it could be even more difficult with twins.

This may sound harsh (and I really don;t mean it to) but surely if the nature of your job means that you have to potentially stay overnight sometimes then you just have to do it don't you?

And if you're not prepared to do it, then surely your company has the right to reiew whether you are still able to perform the job role allocated to you.

Don't get me wrong, I know this is incredibly difficult and especially for the first time. But reality has to kick in sometime and there can legitimately be a limit to the flexibility that a company is obliged to offer - depending on role of course.

If it helps, I have this situation too. When dd1 was 9 months old, I had to go to San Francisco for a week. I then had to go to Tokoyo for a week when she was 12 months old. And now having a dd2 aswell, I often have to travel to Munich or Dublin and I potentially have a Hong Kong trip in July. REally difficult first thing around I agree, but there are benefits - time to yourself, no disturbed nights, etc. etc.

Thanks Poledra and HandbagAddiction, yes, I suspected that I was being a bit of a wuss about it all and maybe I just needed to hear it from someone else. I guess if I don't like it I can get another job, but as I don't want to do that I am just going to have to bite the bullet and get on with it.

You are very lucky that you have a job which is so flexible, it sounds like you can be around the house more than most people - but flexible works both ways.
I can see why you don't really want to be away, but if you look at the whole picture you may not feel so resentful.

I don't feel resentful at all - I know my employer is marvellous. I guess I should have worded the OP differently. I just wanted to know if I was being reasonable or not wanting to stay at home with my DCs when I was needed elsewhere for work. I can see that I am being unreasonable - I will just have to get on with it and take the rough with the smooth.

(And maybe enjoy the first full night of sleep for a year!)

Yes, I'm afraid I agree with the others. If you were on your own and couldn't arrange overnight childcare that might be different, but you are only leaving them with their dad!
I really don't think you've got any reason to refuse to do it, if it is an essential part of your job.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but it's about balancing the benefits of the situation. You sound like you have a good work-life balance for the majority, and the occasional night away won't harm you or your boys. I can understand not wanting to leave them, but they are not newborns and they (and you) will be fine.
I was lucky enough to take our DD with me sometimes when I travelled with work - it's actually harder now she's a bit older with school. So enjoy!

Do you feel happy leaving them with your dh ? would he cope overnight ? i suspect he would. he sounds fab. so its just for 1 night ? and you have been told about it now. for september? when they will be a a year old. YABU. I think.

what exactly are your concerns here ?

Whispers can they come with you with DH and share a night away (but be completely out of sight during the working part.) I had to go abroad for a meeting for just one overnight when DD was 9m, as I was still BF I took him and her with me "just in case for whatever reason I got stuck in the other country" Felt like a lame excuse but ha - was the day of the volcano and we were stuck for a week and a half ;)

Yes, I am happy to leave them with DH - he is brilliant with them. Good idea about bringing them along, Waedi (gosh, lucky you did!) but we also have 2 dogs so the logistics would be a nightmare.

Thanks for the reassurance that they won't be permanently damaged if I have to go away for the occasional night. I just need to adapt to being back at work and not able to be with them 24/7.

our risk assessment covers b/f on return to work and we do omit overnights whilst b/f but these are regular, weekly sleepovers or waking nights not the occasional night away.

Yes, agree with everyone else. If this is a requirement of the job, then you need to get on with it, or gracefully hand over to someone else who will do the job that needs doing.

Anyway, your kids will be one year by then; it is perfectly possible to leave them overnight, even if they still bf by then. I left mine overnight occasionally at that stage, even a couple of nights consecutively and still bf. They don't need it for nutrition then, its just comfort or habit, so I think you'd be on dodgy ground trying to use that as an excuse not to go tbh. (Not that you come across as looking for excuses btw - you seem very realistic about your job offering you a very good deal!) I am just pointing out that theoretically, a mother could continue bf until her child is 2,3,4 or even older (and some do!) but there is no way you could argue on nutritional grounds that your child needs it.

I may be naive but if you are still BF isn't the law on your side? I thought it was illegal for your employer to have you working in a way that would negatively impact your breastfeeding?

But some mums choose to bf until their children are 2,3 ,4 or even older! It's not a matter of nutrition then, it's a comfort issue. It's like arguing that you should be allowed to have breaks from work to go and cuddle your children several times a day!

I'm not in any way suggesting extended bf is a bad thing - up to the individual - but there comes a point where you have to accept that the employer isn't there to just fit the job around you. If I took on a job where overnight travel was sometimes required, I would feel very uneasy arguing that I just shouldn't have to do it. Paricularly when the other parent is staying at home! It's pushing it too far.

Management of Health and Safety at Work Regulations
1999 and Employment Rights Act 2002

It may be helpful to your employer if you tell them about
the help you need to reduce the risk, and that you will need
to express milk at given intervals and for given lengths of
time. Or you could suggest a temporary change to your
working hours which would mean you could avoid, or limit,
expressing at work.
If the risk can?t be avoided, the employer must offer suitable
alternative work with similar terms and conditions.
If you work nights, you may need to negotiate a different
shift while you are breastfeeding. You can ask your GP for
a medical certificate to say that night work could affect
your health and safety.
If no suitable alternative is available, the employer must
suspend the employee on full pay.
The employee must notify her employer in writing that she
is breastfeeding if she wishes to make use of this protection.
?Regulations do not put a time limit on breastfeeding... It is
for women themselves to decide for how long they wish to
breastfeed.? (Health and Safety Executive, 2002)

?

That's interesting but not really relevant to the OP as she says that she can leave her children, she just doesn't want to. If the children were very young and exclusively bf, and leaving them for this long might risk their health or the mother's health, then yes, the employer would need to make arrangments for her to express, or suspend her as she would be unable for health reasons to carry out the work. But this doesn't apply here, as the OP makes clear.

It sounds like the pros of your job far outweigh the cons.

However, video/tele conferencing has saved me from going away at all since I went back to work in September last year.