Day 3 back at work and struggling

[lecce]

My second son is 11 months and I am on my third day back as a full-time teacher and I just feel dreadful. Ds2 has been clingy and quite hard to please since birth - he has basically spent the last 11 months on me and now he is without me all day every day, I feel so guilty.
Dh is sahd so he is in good hands and has been increasingly close to dh for the past couple of months, but their bond is nowhere near as strong as that between me and ds. I know this will develop over time but I feel so bad that I am having to leave him when he doesn't really seem ready.
I have left him before for KIT days, but they were one-offs and he was fine but I think he is now realisng that it's not just one day here and there and he is not happy. The look of outrage on his face as I put my coat on this morning was heartbreaking and I could hear him screaming from the car. I want to phone home now but if I can hear him crying I don't know what I'll do. Dh said he was grumpy most of yesterday and I fear today will be worse.
Ds1 (3) is used to me working, although I've had a year off he seems to remember the previous year and has a huge bond with dh. I suppose I'm feeling sorry for myself thinking that ds1 doesn't need me and ds2 does but I can't be there for him at the moment.
I love my job and am fortunate that my first term back is going to be quite easy as we have extra staff so I'm not having to do a lot of teaching. However, I can't stop thinking about my boys and what I am missing and, more importantly, how ds2 is missing me.
I know I sound very sorry for myself, I realise I am fortunate in many ways just don't feel it at the moment!
Thanks for reading.

day 3!give it some time and accept dad is capaeable,he is different to you but still capable.yes son will take wee bit to adjust.but you cannot cruficy yourself on whats-ifs and guilt.your post kind of reads no one canever be as good as you, and that thinking will only wind you up

so realistically give this wee bit time, give dad a great big hug for what he does

It always takes time to adjust and I think you are just feeling as many Mums do when they go back. Fortunately your ds and with their Dad which is fantastic and your ds2 will very quickly get used to you not being there. At least you won't have all the mad dashes to get to nursery before they close etc. so you won't have all the additional stresses that many working parents have.
I think you need to focus on the positives and basically keep yourself as busy as you can whilst at work. I find that at work I don't tend to think about the dc much but as soon as I leave my focus changes.
I've been back at work several years now and every so often I have a little wobble, however I think that is normal.
Good luck and give yourself time,

MLx

What would you say to one of your pupils who you saw looking tearful on day 3 of being at your school? Perhaps the same applies to you?

I am also going back as a full time teacher in a few weeks, in fact have recently posted on MN regarding my (negative) feelings about it. I think we have to remember the school holidays - they will make a difference and will be even more enjoyable than usual as we get to spend them with our DC.

Like you, I am lucky in that my DH and sister will be sharing the childcare. I agree with morleylass that this will make life easier and less stressful than if DC had to go to nursery or childminder every morning.

Just give it more time. I don't think you are feeling sorry for yourself; you are entitled to feel the way you do - it is completely understandable. It is a very difficult time, but I am sure that it will get easier - at least I am hoping so!

Good luck.

Thank you, Cazzy1. A week later it certainly has got easier. Obviously still miss them but coping with it a lot better.
I do know how lucky I am in so many respects, not least the long holidays. I didn't mean to imply that dh can't cope, I know he does a fantastic job but it was a fact that ds2 had a far stronger bond with me, mainly, if not entirely, due to breastfeeding. As I hoped, his bond with dh is strengthening daily and dh feels a lot more confident in handling his moods now.
Good luck to you too!