dreading going back to work

[glasgowmandy]

im due back to work a week on thursday im a hairdresser and going back 3 days a week.
ive been off for 9 months and i am absoltley dreading it!!
i really dont want to go back but i have to for the money i guess, me and my partner could survive if i didnt but id feel giulty about bringin nothing into the home!

i cant sleep thinking about it, DD daughter is going to be watched by partners mum, but im dreading that also as i dont think shes up to scratch by MY standards, im so fussy. she also watches her 2 year old grandson on the same days as she would take my daughter but whenever i leave her with her shes always not been fed on time has a dirty nappy, dosnt get as much attention as the grandson, and sems genuinley unhappy when i go to get her, she dosnt follow my routine at all, even though my partner has had words with her about it.

the other day she took both kiddies to the park and she had probably been so pre occupied wit her grandson that she hadnt noticed that my DD had a sunburnt face! i wasnt amused! also when i got her home and took her hat off she had a big scratch along the topof her head. surely if they had had a little accident then she shoudl of told.. i understand they happen but when its to the head surely i shoud have been told.

basically i dont trust her and i have to leave DD with her 2 days a week most of the time im proabbly over reacting and im sure shes safe but i just dont want her staying with anyone else but me!

i cant bear the thought of going back, if i do and i cant handle it can i just hand in my notice?
my bos has told me that if i dont come back i will have to pay back all my maternity paid money? is this true? i cant afford that!!how can i get round this? the time seems to have gone sooooo fast cant believe its nearly time to get back to it x

is it in your contract that you;d have to pay the money back>

if not then you don't have to, but do check it. also see if it states a minimum amount of time before you can hand notice in iwthout having to pay it back

to be totally honest if I were you i wouldn't go back.

Don't know about the legalities but have you thought about working different hours so you MIL doesn't have to have your dd, maybe do saturdays if dp doesn't work then. Also is going mobile an option then you could work evenings, what about asking your boss if they could keep the shop open later, might get more business from working ladies etc.

Listen, no time to address all your worries, BUT, I just wanted to add this....
I went back to work 2 weeks ago after a year off and like you, had been utterly dreading it for months. I couldn't sleep for worrying about it and would cry at the thought of it.

I really wish I hadn't wasted all that energy because despite all this dread and worry, going back to work has been absolutely FINE.

I never would have believed anyone telling me that I would feel like this because I was exactly like you (though not so worried about my DDs child care) and could not possibly have imagined feeling anything except utter misery!! So keep an open mind just a little bit if you can, it is very unlikely to be as bad as you are expecting.

Imho you should 'admit' to your MIL that you are feeling very anxious and ask her to help by 'bearing with you' in the early weeks when you are bound to be fretting over every little thing and wanting a minute by minute account of your little ones day.

Perhaps she felt awful and embarrassed about the sun burn too (poor you and DD, that was bad) and I think it is reasonable to want to know about mishaps that have caused injury.

It takes a lot of adjusting to go from being the one to decide every minute detail of this little persons life, to handing over the reigns to somebody else for days at a time, but it gets easier and unless she is missing meals/ not getting enough fluids or anything else properly serious, your DD will not suffer from a few routine 'tweaks'.
It has and is taking me a while to accept the fact that I am not in control of what happens to our DD when she is with my DM and MIL, but actually if you can just relax a bit, you might find it gives you a little head space.

Obviously, if you feel there is genuine neglect or endangerment of your DD that is a different story all together, but you have said you are fussy even by your own admission. Take an honest appraisal of your MILs care: were the examples you gave above the exception or the rule? I don't envy her looking after 2yo and a 9mo and that will make it harder still to stick to your routine. If she has looked after her Grandson maybe you could speak to his mum (her daughter I am guessing?) and ask her how she felt about going back to work. She might tell you she had similar concerns and how she got round them.

Good luck with it all glasgowmandy, I really hope it works out for you all.

I would never leave my child with someone I didn't feel was caring for them well. That is a condition of working. I think you need to look at that before anything else. Get the childcare right and you'll be fine!

thanks a lot for your imput there really appreciate it.thisisyesterday i dont think its in my contract to be honest, will have to look into that.
also they have told me the hours im going back to are non negoitiable, which isnt great either!
mumoflittlemouse, its good to know im not the only one that has felt like this. your probably right though to be honest, i do think the head space would probably do me good, and once im there ill probably be fine, its just the first few weeks i recon are going to be hard.
im quite tight on my routine, mainly because when i stick to it my DD sleeps soooo well at night, and when shes been with his mum the routine goes to pot and shes up and down all night! which isnt good for me or DP!

i know shes not in any danger with his mum and she does take good care of her and i know she loves her to bits, but her grandson (daughters little boy) is the apple of her eye and even DP admits that he gets a lot more attention that my DD, he is quite hard work so i do understand that but you must knwo yourself that when its YOUR child you expect them to be treated like a princess!!

when my DD is with my mum i have no worrys what so ever, first grandchild and is spoilt rotten, i just feel slightly uncomfortable when shes with DP's mum, the other morning i went to collect her from her house after her having her for the night, i hadnt told her when i was picking her up.. anyway i turned up and the door was locked so i went round the back and just let myself in, my DP was sitting in her bouncer crying her heart out with no toys while DP's mum was busy with her grandson upstairs getting dressed!!
i was horrified, she came down and looked shocked to see me and instantly ran over to my girl saying aww its ok gran was just gettin dressed and picked her up.
i know im goign on a bit but its the smallest things that make me loose confidence in her, and im just not happy leaving her with her.
i just dont know how im going to get over this. as you say im sure it ges easier in time and i can learn to relax but, im a first time mum, i do have alot of anxiety, and just dont want these worrys to take comlete control over my life.. im thinking as well maybe i could go back to work a few weeks, then myabe just think about taking myself mobile working my own hours x

I am a first timer too and have really suffered anxiety terribly since having my DD. Part of the reason I was in such a state about returning to work was precisely because I had hardy ever left DD at all with anyone for the whole year, all because of my anxiety!

I sympathise massively with how you are feeling and would find your situation regarding the grandson and what had happened on your 'surprise' early arrival hard too.

Not to want to 'take you MILs side' but, a few things....
If someone snuck in on me and DD at the wrong moment (like for example, if I have to put her in her playpen when she doesn't fancy it because I have to go to the loo!), they could find her crying her eyes out with me out of the room and I absolutely hate letting her cry and only have her to look after.

Also, when my MIL had our DD all day for the first time, she followed her schedule (that I had written out in excruciating detail ) to the letter. I know this for a fact. DD who had been finally, sleeping through really well, did not sleep AT ALL that night, to my horror and her sleep pattern went totally mental for a while after that.

When my DM had her she went rather 'off road' shall we say, regarding the schedule (she is much less organised than MIL but every bit as loving and loads of fun ). This I also know for a fact. DD went straight to sleep and stayed that way till morning!

Loads of stuff will disrupt your LOs sleep pattern over the next few months and you can put some of it down to your MIL but your DDs schedule will be evolving anyway. DDs sleeping is back on track btw, thank God after just one desperate early morning episode of CC which nearly ripped my heart out but was totally worth it.

The last thing I wanted to say, which is going to sound awful but you will see what I mean in 2 or 3 months.....is that a 2 yo child is so much more engaging than a 9mo. He is chattering away (whether your MIL likes it or not!), running about and generally guzumping your DD in the attention demanding stakes! He has had over a years head start to get practice afterall!
But, your DDs character will blossom so much over the next couple of months and this will help your MIL forge a stronger and frankly more interesting and pleasurable relationship with her. Soon she will be calling your MILs name, toddling around and beaming her even bigger toothy grins than she probably does now. I know that my DDad for example, is relating to and showing tons more affection, interaction etc with our DD now that at nearly 12m, she is so full of personality and mischief character.

I completely understand you wanting her to be treated like a princess, believe me I do but I am just thinking of the things that I tell myself when I have felt a bit wobbly about childcare issues and I always end up reminding myself how lucky we are to have people who actually LOVE our DD looking after her. Don't forget, your MIL probably doesn't 'see' YOUR daughter as much as she sees her SONS daughter, her own blood.

I would say try really hard to take your first day first and then go with 'baby-steps- from there.
Keep communication with your MIL good as possible, tell her how awful you are feeling about returning to work (not due to her childcare!) and how glad you are that DD is with her Grans. Some positive comments might go a long way. Tell her of problems you encounter sometimes and seek her advice, she may feel more inclined to open up to you rather than hide things then if she knows that you find it difficult sometimes too. She might already have a feeling that she's not 'up to your standards' which is not a positive foot to start off on. Sounds to me like she's really got her hands full, but I know how hard it is for you envisaging all kinds of awful scenarios. I've done it myself, imaging our DD putting all manner of dangerous items that are dotted around my parents house, in her mouth (little piles of safety pins, tweezers, loose change, pens, screws......'a place for everything and everything in it's place' means nothing to my parents, God love them ).

Even as worked up as you are feeling, you have said that 'you know she loves her to bits' and that counts for a hell of a lot in my book. Keep talking to her, keep a close but balanced view on the well-being of your DD, take it one shift at a time and give it a chance.

p.s. Mobile might be the way for you to go in the future but you will lose the camaraderie of your colleagues. See how everything works out before you make any rash decisions.

what your saying makes a lot of sense and thankyou for your post, i know what you mean on a lot of what uve said, and it isnt her fault i fee like this, i SHOULD consider myself lucky that she is having her and im not having to put her in a nursery, that would be worse!!

her grandson is a handful and i know it must be hard for her, im just so pernickty about everything, and i know she probably thinks . ok hen ive done this with my own kids i know what im doing!!
my dp thinks that she may not want to talk to me or open up because she dosnt want to be stepping on my toes! which is probably right!
its hard to talk to my DP it is his mum afterall and im sure he dosnt want to hear me talking about not being confident leaving our daughter with her, i wouldnt like to hear that if it was my mum we were talking about
it is all baby steps, and im going to try and relax a little, just because its all new and its a big change i guess, like any mum i think you feel like your children are most safe with you than anyone else and letting go is hard x