The burden of the working mother...

[Feelingoptimistic]

DD is starting school in September and I have just received a letter from the school inviting me and DD to attend a meeting for all the new parents and children to meet the head, find out about school uniforms, etc.

Anyway, the meeting is in the morning, and I have had less than two weeks notice of it, and I am already scheduled to attend a work training course that day.

I know there is no other practical time to have such meetings, but I can just see this is the start of other similar things. I will just have to miss some of the course in this instance, but in the future there will be school things I will just not be able to attend.

You will probably get a year planner which will help you book leave/plan work in advance to enable you to attend parents evenings/shows/assemblies etc.

I know it's really frustrating - I think my ds's schools let you know about stuff with the barest of notice because they think we'll forget about them otherwise.

My calender is planned with military precision and when the school gets stuff wrong/changes plans, I really struggle to accommodate it. That's our job, we have to be better organised and more accomodating than everyone else. You get to make it look easy even when it bloody isn't!

You could always have a small word with the the head teacher, to make sure she will be sending out a year planner! Let her/him know that you are really organised and need school to be too!

Oh yes, this is just the start, unfortunately. Many things have to be during the day (Sports Days, Celebration Assemblies etc) but meetings like this could be in the evening, and you could be given more notice, it is very frustrating. My school is better than some in this resepct, we have this meeting in the evening and have had 2 months notice. Haven't got much advice really except to say you are not alone, and it is frustrating but there can be ways round it. Maybe phone the school and ask if you could pop in on a different day to go over some of this stuff? There are bound to be other parents who can't make it too.

x-posted there. We get a termly list of dates and regular newsletters with reminders. Read everything that is put in your child's school bag and write it on your calendar straight away!

Thanks for your comments - it's good to know I am not alone...
Good suggestions about being proactive and asking for a year planner, etc.

Our primary school is particularly bad at letting us know about meetings etc and also at arranging them for 3pm. Sometimes we get as much as one weeks notice. I have complained to the school on more than one occasion however they don't seem to care. Netball matches are on a Thursday teams are posted on a Wednesday. I always try but sometimes it feels like I am up for 'bad parent of the year award' especially when it seems to be the children of the mothers that help at school who always get picked. Sometimes my DC complain that they miss things but they have to accept that I can;t be everywhere at once. I even had trouble with parents evening last time, I asked for the last hour on either of the days but these were all given to parents with siblings. So the school's solution - I could come in on the Friday after school 3pm!

NB: It has got better with the senior school who give better notice and have evening 5.30 or later meetings

A lot of primaries are very bad at this. A lot of the mums at our school either are SAHM, or work part time and/or from home. So they are much more flexible about appointments etc. I havent been to a parents evening in 2 years because they aren't evenings, the last appointment is at 6pm (at which time I'm normally just leaving work!)

Plays, carol concerts, 'open afternoons' etc normally start at 2. So its a half days hols or not going.

Do agree though secondary seems - so far at least - slightly better.

How many of these kinds of things are there in a school year? Would you not just take the half days off? (Genuine question, DS isn't at school yet and I really don't want to miss out on this stuff).

Gaelic sheep, you could use up your entire holiday allowance trying to get to things at school in the first year or so of school. My children are a bit old now but from memory, in the first year, we had a class assembly at 9 a.m., a class liturgy at 2.30 p.m., nativity play at 1.30 p.m., Easter bonnet parade at 10.45 a.m., Book Week parade at noon, sports day for a morning, 2 parents evenings which required leaving work early. That's just the stuff I remember which most parents went to, in addition, there was tons of other stuff like open afternoon once a month after school, last swimming lesson of the year when parents could come and watch etc etc. You also need to keep days in reserve for illness, orthodontist appointments, occasional days off because of e.g. burst water pipe, INSET days, half days at end of each term for holidays plus all the school holidays to cover. As a working parent, you really have to be selective about what it's possible to attend.

Ooh, actually, changed my mind, it doesn't get easier as they get older because then you end up with the meetings at 3.15 p.m. about school residential trip, preparation for SATs (KS1 and 2), meeting about Sex Ed classes, etc. On reflection, I have spent half my life squashed into seats designed for a 6 year old.

That sounds like one hell of a lot more than my parents were ever invited to when I was at school! Luckily for me, DH will be at home with the new baby and able to attend but I'd hate to miss out on the important things. I think I will thankfully be in a position to pick and choose without the guilt factor. It sounds like a complete nightmare if both parents are working.

Yes, I think there are far more things which parents are invited to at school nowadays. I can honestly never remember my mum coming into my primary school and she used to come once a year for parents' evening at secondary. Admittedly, I went to a small rural school in Ireland and things might be different now. There is never any pressure from my ds' school to attend events (apart from perhaps parents' evening) but when I was working I used to feel horribly guilty about having to pick and choose which events I could attend and try to be fair to both boys.

Hi feelingoptimitic, yes it will be like this unless you get yourself a page a day diary . I occasionally miss things which really upsets me. I have two children in two different schools and although one is really good at informing parents, one is not. Its comical as the school my son goes to informs me well in advance and money for trips etc are also on time and they state how well organised i am and wish all parents were like me. And my daughters school always leaving it late and i am constantly writing letters of dissaproval of receipt being missed and school closures etc, and they give me that 'working mother' look which makes me feel awful !! You cant always make it to everything but i do try to organise time off for plays sports day etc as i am in a very demanding job and cannot just leave at a moments breath so try not to beat yourself up about it. x

gosh, I don't remember there being half this stuff when I was at school.

However I do remember that my mum and dad (both working) never made it to most of the stuff that there was - class assemblies, sports days, speech days etc. And I remember it really didn't bother me in the slightest.

To reassure you, I think mothers parents worry about this more than the children do.

To the OP: Is there a friendly parent in your child's class who can give you all the information from the meeting afterwards?

It is the start of things to come. The school have two main issues:

1. working parents who want meetings etc in the evening.

2. Meetings in the evening which means that children and siblings have to be brought along as no babysitter.

If your school is offering a breakfast and after school club they will be more clued up on working parents, and evening events will be later and the norm as the hall will be used for the after school club. If they don't then you can pretty much assume working mothers parents wont be a hige consideration for the school as it will be a minority of parents it affects.

My ds's primary school does NOT do a year planner, many don't, but do push as hard as you can to get one started. It has been a bug bear of mine since he started there that there is no list of up coming events, even if date unknown as yet.

We have had less than 24 hours notice of some events when they have "forgotten" to tell us. Not good if your child is doing a reading at church for example. Even after the huge number of complaints she got at that the notice given is still very poor on a lot of events.

I had to write to the head teacher again this term (my ds's last year) asking for a list of dates. She gave some, sent a newsletter home that day with those that were arranged, but again ommited many.
Eg Although I specifically asked for it her email reply said she had no idea when the class photos would be, or if it had been booked even, and would check... We got the date of class photo on last day of half term and photo would be first day back on a tiny slip of paper which I didn't spot till going through his bag just before he went back... Would have been no time to arrange haircut anyhow as we were away in half term.
And just yesterday my ds came home with a letter about end of school play and there will be a day time and an evening performance (First time ever I may add, usually always during school time). The downside is that tickets are limited and I have to get him to the evening performance even if I get allocated tickets to the day time one... Joy!

My advice, let your school know now that this is an issue for you, as it will be for others I'm sure. They need to consider working parents as well as those who can turn up at the drop of a hat. Push for that year planner, even if it has mostly 'date to be arranged' you will still have some idea of which events you can skip and which ones are important enough to take time off for.

Oh and you will have inset days. Again get these nailed as soon as you can, worst we had was letter home one half term friday saying first day back would be inset day!

gillybean it looks like your school is even worse than our one. I am just so glad that this is our last term, the secondary school is better and uses parentmail to email many letters/notices direct to the parents so no more lost letters at the bottom of bags.

Yes, it starts like this and just carries on. Sometimes it is the school and sometimes it is just the teacher. Our reception teacher is a bit scatty about these but the year one teacher is really organised. I just keep saying to the teachers that if they give me advance notice I can come - I am lucky to be able to work from home from time to time so I can normally take a lunch hour at the time of a reading assembly or something. I also make the point that if they wnts parents to be involved in the school and support the school they can make it easy or hard for us to do that.....

They will probably ask for parents to go and help on school trips. I save a couple of days' holiday for this and the DC really like it. I have trained both DCs to tell their teachers that they need to give mummy lots of warning of school trips so that I can come too

I would write to the Head Teacher and express your concerns.

If its the sort of school where there are lots of non working parents, then I'm afraid this can be an issue - its the culture of the school, whereas if its the norm for parents to work then they will be more clued up about having to provide more notice, and also arranging things if possible at sensible times.