Just can't cope with working full time anymore

[heading4home]

Title says it all really. My dh is a full time student. He told me after 3 years (now complete) he'd start working so I could reduce my hours. However, this has turned out to be untrue, he has to do AT LEAST another semester.

Full time in Switzerland is 42.5 hours a week, not including lunch which is an obligatory 45 minutes. So I arrive at work at 8.30 having taken dd to Kindergarten, and can't leave until the 1729 bus at the earliest, which gets me home around 6.20

DD is six and I am now 14 weeks pregnant. I can't stop work until 2 weeks before my due date, and I am absolutely exhausted. I go to bed at the same time as dd every night. I've had it.

I'm going to ask my boss tomorrow about reducing my hours, even though we can't really afford it. Dh is really against this but he just doesn't get it at all. He also won't hear of getting a cleaner even though our (tiny) flat is a terrible tip and which depresses me but I just don't have the energy to clean more than to liveable standards and there's nowhere to put anything anyway.

Sorry for whinge. I am at the end of my strength, was crying at the tramstop with dd this morning.

You poor thing.

You need to have a serious chat with DH, if he is not working the LEAST he could be doing is keeping the house in good condition and drop/pick up your DD from kindergarten. Why doesn't he do these things?

When does his degree finish? Is there a reason why he can't get a part-time job right now? Sounds to me that whilst your hours are undeniably long the bigger problem here is the lack of support from your husband.

I think your knackered and need to address things one by one instead of bundling several worries together.

1/ask your boss if you can temporarily cut your hours- it could be that you are just so tired a little respite will 'power' you back up.

2/ speak to your dh in a rational way,list all your outgoings and expenses etc and see if you can trim the budget

Ask him why he cant get a p/t job

ask for his support in the home- if you cant afford a cleaner you need to share the work at home its not fair to you to do 'everything'

3/ is moving to a bigger place a possibility?

4/ can a doctor give you a week or so off work so you can tackle some big jobs and rest?

5/ can you ebay some stuff-extra cash/more space?

Be kind to yourself pregnancy is a tiring job.

Your dh is being an arse. as a student he will be working at home alot?
He can pick up laundry, clean dishes etc whilst he is there.

I work from home alot and I manage to do washing up whilst waiting for the kettle to boil, put washing on, hang out etc.

He also needs to start sharing the responsibility for drop offs/pick ups from childcare.

When you get home at 6.20 exhausted does he make you a cup of tea? Cook a meal a few times a week?
Because he should be.
You are supporting him to further his career through study. He should be supporting you to do that by pulling his weight.

I reduced my hours recently, I negotiated a later start and earlier finish on a Monday and a Friday. So now I start at 9.30am Monday and friday and finish at 3.45pm on those days.
Money wise I have only dropped half a day a week.
It has made a huge difference to my well-being and allows me to do far more at home/with the children. For example, last night I picked the children up, we went swimming and were home by 6 for tea.

Look at different combinations to allow you to get the maximum benefit with the least reduction in hours if money is a factor.

Thanks both for replying.

I've tried to talk to dh about this so many times that last time he just shouted that I never talk about anything else. He says just wait just wait just wait but I don't think I can wait anymore. He is incredibly persuasive, somehow I always end up agreeing with him.

He is studying for exams at the moment, so not sitting around doing nothing, and he does do all the cooking and shopping. He just doesn't notice/isn't bothered by the mess or the huge pile of laundry.

I'm going to talk to my boss tomorrow (he's away today). He is lovely and usually very supportive.

Sounds incredibly stressful.

Why don't you handover responsibility for kindergarten drop off/collection to your dh?

what about using a laundrette for the laundry?

If you're the one earning, and you want a cleaner just go ahead and hire one.

I second the take a short break from work, either reduce your hours for a bit, take some leave? I got signed off for a week last summer when pg with DC2 and was permenantly exhausted and crying all the time. Was the break I needed.

Is there anyone who can help with the housework? Friends or family who could help? My american aunt calls them a working party and feeds people pizza and beer in exchange for hard labour!

Thank you! It's actually really helpful just to hear that other people think it's stressful and I'm not just whining about nothing.

You are right, I should just get a cleaner. I have just now got a recommendation from someone at work. Dh is SO against it though - his objection being that we have to tidy up before they come

I actually like taking dd to Kindergarten in the mornings, it is a nice time together, and dh does usually pick her up. To add insult to injury, for the past two years while he's been on his (three month) summer holiday, he has taken dd to the outdoor swimming pool every day while I have been stuck in the stinky office. Really fed up today.

I do have 2 weeks off at the end of July but have a horribly stressful project coming up between now and then, which I think is weighing on my mind as I will have to work even longer hours.

I think we tend to underestimate the impact of pregnancy hormones on our lives at the risk of coming across all "helpless female" - don't forget that you are doing something amazing at the same time as everything else, you are growing a baby, something that neither your boss nor your husband can do!!

At around 14 weeks pregnant you are coming to the end of stage one when things do change, hormones adjust and with a bit of luck you will feel less tired very soon!!

If you do speak to your boss about reducing your hours, you could think about finishing early one or two days a week and doing some work on Saturday mornings if you feel less tired in the mornings than at the end of the day.

If you are shattered at the end of the day, give DD's bath and bedtime a miss, put a pair of ear plugs in and go to bed, a few missed hours with your DD will be soon forgotten but may do you the world of good.

And if the nesting instinct is taking over and the state of the flat is stressing you out, send your DH and DD out for a few hours at the weekend, blitz the house and join them in the park for a picnic lunch of your favourite bread and cheese.

Re project and long hours, it's OK for this one period in your life to do OK at work rather than to do everything at A* standard - it won't affect your long term career prospects. Remember also that towards the end of your pregnancy you will feel tired too so early finishes and a few hours on Saturdays might be worth considering again.

And most of all, take care of yourself!

re: the cleaner.

i have a lceaner - and yes we tidy up before he comes - a tidy up that we wouldn't otherwise have done - so it's worth it. plus i haven't used the hoover for nearly two years - or moped the kitchen floor!

however, i donot agree with the sentimnt that you earn - so go ahead.

roles reversed - no one would say to a man - you earn therefore you have the right to make decisions with that money autonomously.

Your Dh cannot possibly study for 8 hours a day every day. there is room in there for a part time job - there is - ive done it, dh has done it - hell my 17 yr old dd is doing it right now.

you CAN cut down your hours - he CAN get his arse into some menial drudgery of a job to make up the difference and work on a saturday and sunday.

look after yourself my sweet - 'cos no-one else bloody will

You must get a cleaner at the very least and ideally one who will do the shopping and ironing so that every minute you are at home you are resting or playing with your little one.
If DH won't do all the cooking and all the cleaning then somebody else has to, you are working full time and growing a human baby, enough already.

UPDATE - thanks to this post I realised just how much I want to work less! So I've just had a meeting with my line manager asking if it's possible to work 80% (ie 2 afternoons off a week). He is totally in agreement that it would be fine but it has to be approved at higher levels. So I'm so happy that it is even a possibility.

It would mean tightening our belts a lot but we've survived on that before and anything extra my husband earns would be a bonus.

Thanks so much everyone for your support, it really helped.