To be a SAHM or not to be that is the question!

[roseability]

I have two children aged 4 and 1 and I am on the verge of giving up work to be a SAHM for a while. It won't be permanent as I am keen to either do some voluntary work (perhaps leading to paid work) or maybe even further study (I am a nurse with a first class honours degree and could do a masters)

However I have recently heard negative stories on here from SAHM who feel depressed and have low self esteem after many years at home.

I am in two minds about it. Does anyone have positive stories about being SAHM?

I LOVE it and wouldn't change it for the world. I am broke but it's only for a relatively short period of time. I was highly regarded in the job I did, but I take being a SAHM just as seriously. One of the best things for me has been meeting a wider variety of people at toddler groups, toy libraries, etc. Before being a SAHM, I worked exclusively with people who were about the same age as me and with similar qualifications. Now I mix with people from a massive variety of backgrounds and it's really made me less judgmental. I am going to be soooo sad when I have to start looking for a job again. Depends a lot on the support you get from your partner, if you have one.

I have a very supportive dh. I love being at home with the kids and as I only do one night shift a week I am practically a SAHM anyway. It is more for me that I would give up that shift. The kids go to granny or are with daddy half a day a week so that I get a sleep so they are not affected. However it knocks it out of me and I am tired. It takes up two days of my week as the day I go onto night shift I need a more restful day and then the next day I sleep and am tired. I feel I am not getting the best of either world. One shift means I am never going to be as up to speed as my colleagues and it isn't really a break from motherhood as it is a very busy and stressful shift on my feet all night.

I feel I can be fulfilled at home with the kids as long as I had a hobby to keep my mind active e.g. a night class

I agree that motherhood has opened my eyes and taught me a huge amount about myself and others. I too am less judgemental.

Definitely recommend a night class. I am learning Japanese once a week. I was surprised at how cheap it is. It's my little self-indulgence of the week (although I yawn through most of it and always leave my homework til the last minute).

I love being a SAHM. IMO, no job is perfect and neither is this one! On the good days, the DC's are the best colleagues / bosses in the world, on the bad, they cry when you can't guess what they want and shout at you when you guess wrong!

I have no idea what I will feel like in a few years, but for now, it's my choice to be here and I love it. In my old job we used to do an employee satisfaction questionaire every few years that included the questions, do you do something you are good at every day, do you do something you enjoy every day, do you get praise / thanks for your work and do you have friends at work - I can say a resounding Yes to all of these!!

When the house is a mess, no one wants to eat what I've cooked and it rains on the school run, I'd give anything for my suit and heels job, but most of time, here is exactly where I want to be.

I enjoy being a SAHM, but it's taken me a while to let go of my status anxiety about it all. It doesn't help that we really struggle to make ends meet, but with the help of local children centres I know my DD gets a great range of activities, socialises with other children and has lots of mummy time. DD is 21 months and I'm soooooo glad I didn't go back to work when she was 12 months which I had originally planned. I would have missed so much. DC2 due in 9 wks so I'm going to be a SAHM for a bit longer, not sure after that. Might re-train as local, part-time jobs in my previous field seem non-existent. Just looking at my list of things to do this week, so much more fun than "real work" oh and I too now mix with a much wider group of people.

oh, and my house is always a mess. I'm a good mum but a rubbish domestic.

I love it, it is both exhausting and wonderful. I walked away from a v. lucrative position to do it, and won't say that the financial thing wasn't a major adjustment - but it is totally worth it.

In addition to the joys of being here with DS, I have found I really enjoy the domestic stuff, which I suspect is partially because it is the polar opposite of what I used to spend my days (and nights and weekends, lol) doing. Had an extremely successful career by most standards, but never felt fulfilled --- now I do, to put it simply.

Volunteering is good, never stop learning, and you need to be on the same page as your DH about it. If you can make it work, even for a few years, it is truly great.

If you can afford it , I would give it a go. You can always go back to work if it is not for you.

I am going stir crazy as all I want to do is have another baby and have a blissful existence at home. But even if the baby came along we can't afford for me to stay at home.

I would also say go for it, if you can afford it. It sounds tough having to do night shifts. It must make a big dent in your week even though you aren't working FT.

If your DC are getting older you do need something else though. I don't know anybody whose children are all over the age of about 2 or 3 who don't have something other than being a SAHM in their lives. I've done OU courses and some voluntary work but I can be flexible and if the children are about I can be with them. No anxiety about school/pre-school holidays either.

It doesn't have to be forever. If you get bored,start feeling depressed or just feel that you should be doing something else you can go back to work. Very few people are SAHM and nothing else forever but it is nice to pick and chose when you work and when you don't. One of the things I have loved the most is being able to decided what I do with my day. Problem is that I have spent so long doing my own thing I can't imagine going back to my old way of working (accountancy/office/9 to 5 stuff) and having a boss or even being the boss and having to be accountable to other people.

On the other hand it is tough not having proper time off. If you are a SAHM it is 7 days a week. There isn't really a change in pace. However, no job is 100% perfect and so long as you don't expect it to be all wonderful then you will enjoy it.

Good luck.

It's very difficult to advise other people on this subject as this is such a personal decision. I have done both (work full time in a highly paid job) and be at home and both have downsides/upsides. It also depends on your motivations and whether they manage to outweigh the negatives of both.

For me, I couldn't do it for a very long time, although I have been at home (mostly) for 6 years, I am looking forward to returning to my job in September as I think I need that stimulation back in my life.

Finances are also a consideration for me - whilst we are comfortably off, cutting our income in half is always going to be a compromise in terms of future choices, especially with 4 children etc...but again things are different for everyone.

Good luck with your choice - could you not take a sabbatical-unpaid leave for 6 months to a year and see whether you then want to return or not? it is certainly something that I would consider before packing it all in.

Hi again!

Thanks for your replies, they have been really helpful

I suppose in my heart I want to take some time out from my job and although we might have to miss out on some things we can afford it.

My doubts stem from the fact that because I only do one night shift a week, the kids don't miss out. I am away for one night and half a day a week (and then in my bed sleeping) and they are with daddy or their beloved granny. So I feel a bit unjustified not at least keeping up my skills for the future.

However it does take it out of me. I am still pretty much a full time mum, but have to stay awake one night a week on a shift which is hectic and stressful. So I feel I am losing out a bit.

I am not sure how much passion I have for nursing anymore and quite fancy some time out, but with a view of looking for something else in the long term. Maybe nursing related but not on the wards. I would consider further study, night classes or voluntary work. So as many of you have said, giving up my job now does not mean being a SAHM forever. I think it is important to me to have other eggs in my basket! I love being with the kids but they will become more independent and I will want something else in my life.

I could always do a return to practice course which gets you back into the profession without too much fuss.

I am pretty decided in my head but just needed some reassurance that there are some SAHM out there who are confident in their decision

Niecie - I feel it does make a big dent in my week. Time out for myself is much less which I feel you need when you are at home a lot with the kids. But any help offered is used to watch kids so that I can sleep/rest. I used to go to the gym one night a week but that has stopped as I am too tired from the night shift.

MonkeyChicken - I can identify with the status anxiety. I wonder where that comes from? I know I would be happy and fulfilled (for now anyway whilst kids are still so young and dependent) and I actually like the domestic side of things. Yet when I say that I feel guilty and a little embarassed, like it is foolish to do so. I know I could stimulate my brain quite adequately with books, music and hobbies or even a night class. Is it a cultural thing because we are such an achievement and target driven society

I really admire those of you who gave up very lucarative and high flying careers to be SAHM

Red magazine have written a few articles in the last few months on the theme of "we have had it all, now we want to give it all back" about women who have worked hard to have a career and now just want to bake cakes and play with their kids - not an uncommon feeling.

They have also written a few articles on how people find their new selves supervising the potty and the sandpit once they walk away from jobs that have defined them for many years.

Funny how many of us would never have dreamed that a life of domesticity would be a satisfying alternative to a career / vocation but find ourselves loving playing house (even if as in my case we are a bit rubbish at it!!) and hanging out with our children.

i was a sahm for 3 years. I did not give up a lucrative job to do it ( i was 26 at the time). 3 years was enough for me to get it out of my system!!! i did enjoy it but found that on the whole, most of the people i met were childminders who spent a lot of time complaining about their charges parents!

i enjoyed going back to work and studying but am glad looking back that i did it.