Handing over the reins to DH - any tips please?

[thompson369]

OK, so we've decided that I am going to return to my job on a full time basis come August and DH is going to become a stay at home dad to look after DD1 who is almost 3 and DD2 who is almost 1. It makes sense for us financially and we've agreed that removing the 7am nursery run and the rush to collect them at the end of the working day (before throwing in house work, dog walking plus anything else) will make our lives easier, even if we have less cash.
We're both happy with the decision and I think DH is looking forward to being a stay at home dad. I am happy in principle but am a bit concerned that he is going to struggle when push comes to shove. Until now he has worked pretty long hours (including weekends) so isn't about much when I am doing "kids stuff". He hasn't really been the one who's taken them to playgroups or parties, doesn't know what to make them to eat or where their clothes live! Whilst I am sure he will cope I am looking for any advice/tips from people on here who have either done this too and made it work (or even from those who have not made it work!).
To give you an idea of what we're dealing with here, he was taking DD2 to his mum's a few weeks ago and was slinking out the door without a change bag. When I pointed this out to him he said "well she's just had a poo so she'll be ok now"
He has also sent the two year old to nursery in a pyjama top thinking it was day wear (it clearly wasn't!).
He is great at messing around with them and having rough and tumble fun but I think some help is needed!
I realise he needs to find his own way to some extent, but perhaps a few tips from you guys could make things easier!
Thanks in advance everyone x

I hate to say but I think he will learn the hard way - if he takes your DD out without spare nappies it will be him having to clear up the poo.

You can explain the basics, like what and when they eat, when they sleep and what activities (eg playgroups) they like doing, but he will find his own way and might find all sorts of other things to do with them.

A friend calls DD's clothes "Daddy chic" when he dresses her and nothing matches!

(PS my DH and I share the care of our DD).

Good luck and hope it really works out for your family.

Have done this and found DH could do everything except the socialising stuff - I don't think DS went to a playgroup all year, though he did go to softplays. So if there are things you think they should do (for sake of children) I would be inclined to schedule that.

My dh frequently has our two dds for entire weekends due to my shifts.

I think you have to try and get a really good balance, i.e. working out what is really essential/important to you, but also he needs to find his own way and not feeling he needs to do things "your" way.

For example, I am quite particular about the girls' diet. So I tend to leave the fridge full of stuff that is easy to prepare. Dh can and does cook but is better at other stuff. Also re clothes. I tend to store outfits in such a way it is obvious what goes with what. So when the dds get dressed (or dh helps the younger one) it is easy for them to choose appropriate options.

Wrt to socialising, he does whatever he wants with them and is massively better at it than me. Often they are out (park, walk, whatever) morning AND afternoon.

I think these are all good ideas - he can't cook (he claims!) so food in the fridge is definitely the way forward. I will also think about trying to organise clothes.
Letting him learn from mistakes is also something I think will work better than me issuing loads of rules - he wouldn't forget the change bag twice would he
Thanks x

Very interesting too Iggisfulloftayto is that I've already thought, just as you say, that he will enjoy taking them to the local soft play far more than the village playgroup which, if I'm honest, is full of local mums gossiping so he'd be like a fish out of water!

I think that if he's going to be a SAHD, he should be able to / be trusted to / trust himself to feed his family, rather than you needing to plan all the cooking as well as do a full time job - again, he'll learn by experience. If he has to feed himself and the children, then he'll manage. Maybe it won't go right first time, but you probably learnt by trial and error too.

Agree that if he is taking on the role of SAHD then he needs to do all the necessary tasks, even those he doesn't like or thinks he's bad at like cooking. Plenty of women don't like or say they can't cook, but I'm not sure you see full-time working dads doing all the shopping and planning all the meals for their SAH wives / partners!

Same goes for clothes. Does it really really matter if your DCs occasionally go out in their pyjama tops?

I have to say that it sounds like the whole thing is going to be a big exercise in trust between the two of you, and could really strengthen your relationship. Or it could lead to huge arguments, depending on how each of you behave.

Have you talked about your worries with him? It might be that he's got some worries too, and that if you talk about them now that could save you stress when you actually move to him being a SAHD.

I think you are right Wigeon about the talking things through. To be honest though he isn't worried at all about it - it's me really who is worrying on his behalf. So that in itself tells me something (that I shouldn't perhaps be so concerned!)
No it doesn't matter at all if he sends them in PJ tops, to be honest I think it's funny in a way (as did the nursery staff when I picked her up). I can see days where he may well get their clothes mixed up too once they get a bit older but again it's not the end of the world.
The cooking is definitely going to be the major sticking point...if he lived alone he would survive on McDs and ham sandwiches. Clearly not a great diet for anyone let alone two young children. He is finishing his job soon to have a few weeks where we are both together. I think during this time some "cooking lessons" may be a good investment of time. I love cooking so it's not a big deal to me but it is to him. He's said he is happy to go shopping if i give him a list - maybe at first i will do this but hopefully over time he will have his own list!

"hopefully over time he will have his own list!"

I would start as you mean to go on. Cooking lessons go hand in hand with shopping lessons, so help him get confident with both. Not saying you shouldn't shop or help cook etc but for harmony and ease I think you need both adults to be able to cover all the basics properly. If you've a few weeks all together, take a back seat as much as you can, completely towards the end.

Disclaimer: I have no experience of this situation and my opinions should be treated as amateur.

Good luck with it.

Thanks MavisG...I think the common theme that I'm starting to see is almost around being "cruel to be kind" and just letting him crack on and have a go and keep all fingers crossed!

Must say my DH always managed to have DS in matching colours. His own outfits haven't reached that stage!

My DH has been SAHD since DD was 7 months old. I cook the food in bulk and freeze in pots for her (nearly one) then the night before I take out and leave in fridge to defrost to be warmed up. Although DH can cook very well, he takes a long time as a bit of a perfectionist, I find that this is easier and means that he gets time to clean and play with her. By the time they get to 1 they can eat small sandwiches with soft healthy fillings, fruit, salad veg, cheese toasties, low salt/sugar baked beans with jacket potato, and pasta with various sauces all easy for the can't cook/won't cook individual. Even if his repetoire is limited they will not starve and you can ensure that the evening meal gives them variety. Show him the clothes drawers and let him get on with it, may result in funny combinations, but that doesn't really matter as long as he dresses them weather appropriate. Change bag could be an issue but as you said best to let him learn the hard way on that one!

oh and instructions/lists - stick them up in obvious places to remind him of important stuff, my DH is terrible at remembering to brush her teeth!

I actually quite like cooking so I think I will help him out to some extent in this area as he hates it...but the suggestions that you make for easy but simple meals are the sorts of things that I will get him to start off with. DS2 will be almost 10 months by the time I go back to work so will be moving on to that type of food. Thanks.

Random suggestion here, but I'd worry that if you 'teach' him how to cook your sort of food, he's always going to be cooking the food you'd have cooked, but less well. That's not going to make him feel very positive about it. Basically, his days will consist of being a feebler version of Thompson369, not being a good Mr Thompson in his own right. How about finding him a cooking course on a kind of food that you can't cook, so that he can get good at that, and you can sit back and admire?

I would LOVE him to be able to cook stuff that I can't (which to be honest wouldn't be that hard as whilst I like cooking I have a pretty limited and basic repertoire). I have seen some cooking courses advertised in our area so it's definitely worth us having a think about it. It's a tricky one as he seriously hates the idea of cooking so I need to try and strike a balance between helping him with it and at the same time letting him get on with it in his own way. He uses the analogy of it being like him forcing me to do all the DIY jobs around the house - which I would definitely feel the same way about as he does with cooking.

is there any chance of him 'shadowing' you for a day - basically, he is taking on a new job & it's quite normal practice at work for there to be a 'handover' like that. could you sit & discuss what the job description involves? after all, most of us expect dh's to make some contribution to the household, so think about the strengths you each have, and the time available, to make things work.

also - are there any dad & child groups in your area - when i had dd, the midwife told me about the dad's group she set up, which met to play golf once a week (not sure how they managed it with the kids, but apparently they did). it may be good to find some parent groups that aren't just the local gossip mongers, although some mum & child groups would welcome a dad with open arms.

My DH is a SAHD to our 23-month-old and has been for a year. He found it really really hard at first - for about the first 6 months in fact I'd say. Now he is much more relaxed and is fantastic with our son. I'd say you shouldn't try to teach him anything and you should be completely relaxed about what he does. After all, you were left with a newborn baby and had to work it out from scratch, women weren't born knowing how to get the changing bag ready and make fish fingers. The more you try to teach him the more you will feel it's your responsibility for it to go okay, and it's not. You are also giving him the idea that there is some magic formula he has to learn - my husband used to say 'it's easier for you!', when I maintain it never was. If he needs to cook he will have to work it out, he can always make sandwiches or baked beans. Ditto the shopping, if he doesn't buy anything you won't have any food. Don't try to control him, and let him make his own mistakes. My DH started off with wildly over-ambitious plans, going to the science museum, meeting friends and going to play group, all in the same day - he learnt.
My observation as a working mum is that I do much much more than any working dad I know, and that's even with trying so hard not to! For example, I get up every morning with my son and give him breakfast and dress him before leaving for work, and then when I get back I cook for him and all of us (even though when I'm at home with him he eats about an hour earlier, it doesn't seem to occur to my DH to feed him then and I'm not going to nag about it),feed him , clear up (often clearing up the lunch mess as well) bath him and put him to bed. I don't know many dads who do this all every day. I think that's because my DH and I both know that it is much harder to be at home with our son all day than it is to be at work, and so I end up trying to 'compensate' for that! I sometimes dream of having a 1950s wife who has a cup of tea and dinner ready when I come in through the door and who lets me put my feet up and read the paper whilst she puts the children to bed. How did men get away with that for so long???

Another pitfall I've found is that when I am off work I tend to do almost all the childcare which makes it hard to ever get time off - it doesn't seem right to split it equally when he's doing it whilst I'm at work.

Thanks for all these tips and your advice. These stories and ideas are just what I was after when I started this thread.
Nesomja I think you have hit on one of the key issues about me not trying to control him...this is going to be his full time role for far longer than it has been mine (assuming it works out!) so ultimately the way I've done things for the last couple of years may not be how things work out over the next 16 years or so.
I was chatting to some of the mums at playgroup this morning and one of them suggested that I should line up all of the outfits in each child's wardrobe. She meant well but I said there was no way I am going to do this. How hard can it be to pick an outfit for a baby and a two year old! If he gets it wrong and they go out in weird combinations or nightwear then so what!
I am going to get him to shadow me too. He's already been to a couple of the groups that I go to and on Wednesday this week and Thursday next week I am in work so he is going to be having a couple of trial runs. I'll just point him in the direction of the freezer drawer full of meals, suggest what he might do with DD2 (DD1 is at nursery) and leave him to it. I'll only be a phone call away if he needs me.