Very tearful about prospect of going back FT - a bit rambling

[Cazzy1]

I am going back to work in 5 weeks time and am finding it very hard to reconcile myself with the thought that I will not be spending every day with my beautiful DD. I am a teacher and for financial reasons am going back to school full time. I have loved being a full time mom and feel as though we have been living in a beautiful bubble for the last 6 months and am very sad and tearful that this magical time is coming to an end.

Life has been so lovely since DD was born as there has been no external stress from work. I am fairly senior within our department and know that as soon as I am back, all the stresses and extra work will mean that life will be very different.

I have to leave for school at 7 in the morning and sometimes am not home until 6 or later. The thought that I will only see my beautiful baby for an hour or so a day fills me with dread. I feel so sad at everything I may miss and just want to be with her all the time. I know this is childish and unrealistic. I am even starting to feel resentful towards my DH because he does not earn enough to allow me to work part-time. I cry about it most days and if I am honest, it is spoiling the time I still have left with her. I just cannot imagine the way my life will be when I am back at school.

I am very lucky in that my mom and sister will be having her 3 days a week and my DH the other 2, as he works weekends, so it?s not really my DD I am worried about. It is me! I will miss her so much.

I have thought about asking for 4 days at school, as we could just about afford it (maybe), but am fairly certain that my school wouldn?t go for it, as I have nothing to really offer them as an incentive. I have left it too late for my return as timetabling for next year is already done. I just feel so panicked.

I am not even sure what I am asking for from you lovely people! I suppose some reassurance that it won?t be as bad I think. I think I would also take some comfort in knowing that I am not the only person who is having to leave DD FT (I seem to be the only one amongst my friends). Maybe I need a stern talking to as well - to stop feeling sorry for myself and recognise I am luckier than many to have such support from family.

Thanks for reading this far

As you say, it's close family looking after her, and that sounds the best scenario. Lucky you. Even so it is hard to adjust, but you will, if you let the people that have volunteered to help you get on with it. Fundamentally,if you don't like your job because of the stress involved,this will be difficult - look for something else that would suit you better.

I think you should try for 4 days a week. I was feeling the same - I'm not back at work yet but due to go back to a highly pressurised job in 8 weeks. Financially we have no choice. That said though have worked out some flexible working hours with my boss and I am going to work 4 days a week.

It has given me a much needed boost to know that I'll spend one day a week with her.

All employers need to consider flexible working and it's well worth speaking to your employer - there's always a chance they may surprise you - mine did (thought they wouldn't go for 4 days a week at all but were absolutely fine)

Good luck with whatever your decision is xx

I went back full time after my first DC and it was fine. In fact, for the first 6 months or so I loved being at work and it wasn't anywhere near as bad as I thought.

I had to change the way I worked, though. Previously I worked long hours and would leave around 6.30pm. When I went back I made a concious decision to leave earlier. I routinely left at 5pm every day and took work home as a safety net. I became far more organised at work, and was ruthless about planning my day and sticking to it. As a result I achieved more in less time and was able to spend more time at home with my DS.

You're a teacher so it won't be for long periods of time and very soon you'll have the long school holidays to spend with your DD.

Can you think about how you might work differently to manage the workload and spend a bit more time at home? Would you, perhaps, be able to finish at 3.30 or so, dash home, have some time with your DD and then pick up your work later in the evening? I often manage this way.

I have 2 DCs now and work part time. I really look forward to my days at work. Being on maternity leave is a strange time in many ways and you can be reassured that it really won't be as bad as you think it will be.

I am a teacher and will be going back full time - but it sounds as if I have a shorter commute than you. (And fewer responsibilities).

I am clinging to our long holidays. Try to focus on that, it might help.

It's not as bad as you think in terms of seeing DC, you are there for them for night wakings and you might find that your child adjusts nap time and so is a bit more awake to see you in the evening than you are expecting. Also weekends and holidays add up to quite a lot of time really and your relationship continues, your child won't forget you!

However I strongly recommend getting help with the housework, both a cleaner and a conversation with DH may be necessary, and doing online grocery shopping. You don't want to spend all weekend stuck indoors.

Thanks everyone for the supportive advice. I do def need to change the way I work and am lucky that I will be able to leave pretty soon after the kids have left school and work at home after DD is asleep. I also think it's a wonderful suggestion about the cleaner, will def look into that.

I think my secret fear is that she will forget me, but in my more sensible moments, I realise that this is ridiculous.

Coould you try getting a post with a shorter commute or miving closer? Or what about setting up a webcam so you can see her for a bit at lunchtime?

Like the other poster said you still have nights/weekends/holidays.

I've known other parents to change their baby's sleep routine so they are awake most of the evening.

Hi Cazzy,

I feel for you and understand exactly what you are going through. Our lives our so similar that I could have written your post. I have a week and a half left of my maternity leave and then I will return to work full time as a teacher. I am fortunate that I will be leaving my DD with my mum so will not have to worry about her wellbeing just my own. You put it so beautifully when you wrote about maternity leave being a magical time. It has been the most amazing experience of my life and I am so heartbroken that it is coming to an end.

Like you I'm upset at the thought of missing out on so much of my daughter's time and I also have felt resentment toward my husband for not earning enough money to support me working part time. Life is tough sometimes!

I really wanted to work 4 days a week but I think it would leave us with absolutely no money, which would just be impossible. I'm trying to console myself with the thought of the holidays and that I should still be able to feed my DD's breakfast and dinner so hoping to feel like I'm not missing out on too much of her day.

One thing my SIL told me recently - she had to go back full time to a job with very long hours when her DS was 8 months - all the time she spends with him is special and complete quality time. Sometime she sees other mums who look fed up or stressed out (I've been one of those from time to time!) and thinks it's good for both of them that she has her own life too where she gets adult conversation! We both agree that the ideal would be to work part time and now she's about to have her second baby she will be returning to work part time at the end of her maternity leave. So I'm also hoping that will be a posiblity for me too one day.

Sorry for the long rambling post but wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Sometime it feels that way when all the mums in your group are not going back to work grrrr! Or you're sat having lunch near a group of mums who are all moaning about the boring afternoon ahead of them of housework and looking after the children - yes the green-eyed monster did come out that day! What I wouldn't give to have to choice to be in that postion.

xxx

Quinn, sorry I have only just seen your post. Thank you so much for your supportive comments - it helps so much to know there are other people in the same situation. I've got 2 and a half weeks left of my leave and am feeling a little more positive about going back to work. Like you, at times I have found it really difficult to accept that this time is coming to an end. I was taken completely by surprise by how much I loved being at home with my DD, as I have always been more interested in my career than having a baby. Having my DD has brought out a side to me I never knew existed and the last seven months have been the most amazing of my whole life.

I am also clinging to the holidays - and we certainly have a lot of those. The fact that the summer hols are close is REALLY helping too! I am sure that September will be the most difficult time.

And I think you are absolutely right in pointing out that the time we have with our DDs will be true quality and hardly ever a chore. I also think you are right to have the attitude that part-time work may be possible for you one day. It doesn?t feel quite so bad to work full-time if you can convince yourself that it may not be forever.
Good luck, and please let me know how you get on. Thanks again for your post
xx

Just read this.
I am a teacher too and returning to work this thursday.... been crying about leaving my DS (who is nearly seven months). You have hit the nail on the head.... I am gonnna miss him so much. It has been a magical time and I, too, am scared he will forget me.

Thanks to all for posting and being supportive to us mums who are going back to work, it's good to hear the voices of experience. Mumsnet is great for this. It's like having a best friend who has experienced the lot and can advise you day or night and put your mind to rest.

Our babies are so loved and so lucky xx

Hi,
I'm a teacher returning to work in a week and a half (Looks like there is a few of us teachers going back for the last week of term!) I too am dreading it and feeling very teary. I've twin boys who were quite prem, so feel very clingy to them, but they are fine!

I'm fed up of being the only Mum in my circle of Mummy friends who is going back to work and feel very resentful.( I'm also fed up with comments like "I simply couldn't go back work until oct! Despite needing the money!") We simply couldn't pay the mortgage without my salary, and husband works in the building trade where there have been redundancies so can't take the risk. Like you I have been resentful of DH for not earing enough.

Having said that, I am going down to 3 days a week in sept, but as a result of that have lost my classroom and all my examination classes for next year!

The flexible work agreement means you have the right to work flexibly and therefore reduce your hours if you wish. But you can't claim your hours back at a later date.

Funamentally we all do what we have to do, its s~@t. Completely s!$t. Just grit your teeth, moan and cry on dh, and keep doing the lottery! Amd most importantly enjoy every second of family time when you get it. School will have to come second.

nothingbyhalves you speak complete sense. School will come second... 3.45 and I am out the door!

I know what you mean by the comments I have had a few of them.... I'm sure they are said with no malice but you do feel a little pang of guilt.

I am going back full time with a view to "if it isn't working then I will review the situation"

Thank god we have the holidays to be with our babies.

Oh yeah.... I admire you... twins!!! Glad they are ok! Good luck

Looks like us teachers have planned our babies well to fit in with the summer hols!

It is lovely to see such supportive comments and comforting to know that there are so many of us in a similar situation. I think you are right nothingbyhalves; it is about griting our teeth and remembering that we are working for our beautiful babies now, to give them the best start in life.

I've spoken to other part-time teachers who have had a rough time of it in terms of classrooms and exam groups. It's almost like a punishment, which is rubbish. I'd be tempted to just enjoy the fact that the pressure is off in terms of exams for a while.

Our babies are very lucky to have moms who want nothing more than to be able to spend time with them. And next time I have my panicky, 'oh my god, I have have xx days left!' moment, I won't feel quite so alone x

I feel so much better having read your comments. I'm plannning on working to rule for a while, and all my energy is going on my family. Good luck to us all! And lets enjoy our nom work time!