15 m-o - Do you say bye-bye or do you slip out the back door?

[tinyfeet]

I've been working since dd was 4 months old. This was never a problem initially because dd was usually asleep in her cot when I went to work, and the nanny arrived at our house. Recently, dd has been getting up before I leave for work, and I'm tempted to have her nanny take her into another room so I can slip out without dd noticing. My MIL says that this can cause psychological problems since dd may have issues of abandonment etc and that I should always say byebye to dd before I leave. Any advice on this would be appreciated.

We always said goodbye to our DS1 - our nanny taught him that mum and dad went to work, that way when we left for work he knew that we would see him in the evening. One thing I learnt from our nanny is that kids understand a lot more than you think - so definitely say goodbye to him properly.

I would always say bye bye when you leave. Really important as otherwise you might find she becomes really clingy all the time as she'll start to think you might suddenly disappear without her knowing.
however upset she gets when you leave, be positive, tell her you love her/you'll be back soon.

she'll be fine.

Would always say goodbye. That way they know that simply because you're not in sight doesn't mean you're not there. Also I think it helps them to understand that you're coming back.

always say bye,when my mum came to visit i made the mistake to take ds to school before dd(then 2) woke up and after a couple of days she refused to go to bed and kept asking "will i wake up?"so in her little mind she knew that if she went to sleep again ds and i would go without her,it took 6 long months for her to go to bed again!!

Wow thanks! Unanimous advice. I'll have to leave my self time in the morning now to say our goodbyes and will pass on this advice to DH, as he too has been slipping out, hoping DD doesn't notice. Hopefully, it will get easier as time goes on. Right now, she will cry and pull at me.

I always say bye bye when I leave 15 month old DD at nursery too. Mind you she is normally too busy running off to play with all the exciting toys and children. I am lucky now if she manages to spare me a smile and little wave, mostly I get a quick 'bye' as she is running off

Must be nice, Claireandrich. DD is still screaming when after I've closed the door behind me. It breaks my heart.

Yeah, but before you're five mins down the road, tinyfeet, I'm sure she's happy and playing again. My 13mth old dd has just gone through similar phase. She goes to nursery two days a week and when I've left her recently (after being completely happy since being there from 6mths old) she's screamed and reached out for me as I left. I had heard that it was always good to say goodbye though so I persisted no matter how tempting it was to just slip out! It lasted a few weeks but seems to be improving now. Sometimes I hang out in the hallway and by the time I've put my shoes on and am heading for the door, I can hear she's stopped crying.

I know it's tough but it's a phase that will pass. Hang in there!

Thanks, Ness73. I'm glad I have not been the only one slipping out. I won't do it any more, but it really is hard!

When I used to be a nanny, I looked after 3 children, 2 of them were under 3, they always cried as soon as their mother went to leave, it used to break her heart, but I think it is their way of making you feel bad, because as soon as the door was shut they would calm down and be good for the rest of the day, if fact we used to have so much fun they used to push mummy out the door, I know which one she liked least.

Just to add that we always say 'See you soon' or 'See you later' to our DS (12 months) and then go, no prolonged goodbyes. We always tell him when we put him in the car where he's going and who he'll see when we get there.

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ID JUST RUN!

I always say goodbye and what time I am coming home, eg, "See you at lunchtime" or "I will collect you when I finish shopping".
Once I said goodbye to DS at pre-school but, because I forgot to say I'd collect him at lunchtime, he assumed I wasn't coming back. He was so upset that the staff had to phone me so that I could talk to him and reassure him I would return!

definitely say bye - ds is 16m. he sometimes cries when we say bye, but I still go with smile fixed on face, saying when I'll see him again, then wait round the corner and it always stops well within a minute.

I feel the advantage is he trusts that we'll not go till we say bye and is therefore less clingy and doesn't follow us round the house incase we sneak off without telling him.

Why does my dd sometimes cry when I arrive back at the creche?? Because she is angry with me? She has a lovely time playing (I often look in without her seeing me, & she is very busy and happy). I would always say bye-bye - not fair to sneak out IMO.

I learned the hard way re. not saying goodbye. I always used to sneak off until DS got to about 12 months and he wouldn't even let me leave the room when we were at home. He would be distraught if he was playing and then turned around to find me not there (I'd only be in the kitchen washing up or something).
I really made a rod for my own back and although I started to do the 'goodbyes' (a friend told me that was why he was clingy) after that and things improved he is still at 3 and a half very upset when I leave him at Kindy and he always asks the teachers when I am coming back.
That breaks my heart and I wish that I could turn the clock back to make him feel more secure.
Moral ... ALWAYS say bye bye and always say that you will be back soon/later to take her home.
Dinny ... my DS plays up (is a bit naughty) when I pick him up ... I am sure it is because he is punishing me ...

Dinny - its because she is tired and isnt quite sure which emotion to turn n when she sees you! A bit like when you laugh at sad news..

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I thoroughly second what people are all saying. An older woman with grown up kids of her own who was on the same course as me told me that you should ALWAYS tell your children where you are going (and when you are coming back). It was her top tip for parenthood. My dd was about 7 months at the time and it is one of the single most important pieces of advice anyone has ever given me. Since that day, I have always told her where I was going (even if it was just to the loo, upstairs to fetch something, taking the bin out) and to this day (touch wood) she has not had any separation issues (she's now 21 months). She goes to nursery 2x a week and loves it, a quick kiss for mummy and she's off to play without a backward glance. Makes me feel a bit spare sometimes but I'd rather she was this way than crying and clinging to me when we part!

As a nursery worker/nanny my belief is you should always say good-bye to your child before leaving. If your child is crying make sure your re-inforce the fact you are coming back, then leave. As difficult as it is to hear them cry, it is more difficult for them for you to be in sight and confusing them. Wait outside the door for a few moments if you are really unhappy, but in my experience they will usually stop with in a few minutes. Once they have settled into a routine of you saying good bye and leaving, the crying will last for shorter and shorter periods until it stops ( i promise) You should always be able to phone when you like to check on them if you are worried, and if they don't agree with that ask WHY? It is also important that you be told if your child has been crying as the methods of settling in that are in place may not be working for your child, i have worked in places which haven't told a parent, which i did not agree with.

In response to Dinny..i have had many conversations with colleagues on why a child cried when it sees it's parents..it is quite remarkable sometimes as a happy child playing quite nicely will suddenly get hysterical when mum/dad arrives!! I think it depends on how old they are too..when a baby does it i think it's the only way they know how to communicate and we all know what a reaction crying gets! and as Codswallop said it may be due to the fact he/she is tired. If only we could read their little minds!!

Like Cha, my youngest is 21 months and does not have a separation issue. I have been back at work part-time since she was 12 weeks and she has been left with my mum and her two elder siblings. She has been left with my friends as well when I have had a hair dressers appointment or something and doesn't have a separation issue at all (I don't like asking my mum to have her if I have a doctors/dentist/hair dressers appointment as my mum has my three children from 7:45 until 6:30 three days a week (apart from when the elder two are at school).

I always wave when I go out the door and she waves back at me, smiles and just walks off.

It is the smile I get back that just makes my heart swell. Even though I would say my mum is her second most special person (after me - then her dad third) she is so pleased to see me.