When did it feel possible. Career and Family

[ColleenfromPA]

When did it feel possible? When did you just know that you could balance it all (childcare, ML, time, career) and did you have a gameplan before starting family?

My husband and I had a heart to heart last night and really hit a wall. Both of us know that if we would start a family that we have to have a game plan with child care and that it will be really expensive. The thing is... I think we realized we would simply be unable to afford the first few years of nanny care. That's if we have a baby atleast four hours a day would have to go to childcare.

I get no support from friends because they think it is just as simple of "staying home". There are so many factors: I don't want my husband to have the alienated stress of paying for everything. I know that he loves me no matter the situation we are living in. I can't help to feel like I need my job, I adore my career and feel as though I still be a great Mom.

I am sort of ranting but just feel a bit crushed and have no insight to how others manage. I feel like our hopes of having a family will never happen simply because it's impossible to have a family unless I choose to give up my career (being selfish as others have said).

After DD1 was born, I had (nearly) a year maternity leave then went back to work 3 days a week. It was brilliant. Some of my mum friends never went back to work but most did a similar thing to me. I love the days I had "off" (with DD) but really enjoyed the balance of being Very Important in a work environment too.

We were lucky; we were in London, had a lovely nursery 5 minutes walk away and my husband worked 10 minutes away so almost always did the dropping off / picking up.

Now I've got DD2 and we no longer live in London, I chose not to return to my old job (huge commute), and in fact although I am working a bit from home (for my husband) I am mostly a SAHM. It's definitely harder to consider returning to work now, having 2 children, and not having very many childcare options open to us any more (we are in the middle of nowhere!).

Not sure if this helps. It is very hard to imagine the situation before you are in it - and easy to find it overwhelming - but really, once it happens, you will work it out!

Why do you have to have a nanny? Both childminders and nurseries can be cheaper and deliver very good care. Do you actually know how much those things cost in your area or are you worrying without actual figures in front of you?

It is very possible to have children and a career. What it's not possible to do is live in a perfect world where you're totally happy with all of your choices all of the time. You just have to have the big stuff right and fudge the details You maybe need to accept that for the first few years you are paying for the childcare and that eats all your salary BUT you are still gaining in skills and experience at work which will increase your earning power and ultimately benefit you all. The beenefits of work aren't all about take home disposable cash - nice though that is.
I always say the same things on these threads - that you will be parenting (God willing) for the rest of your life. It's about so much more than the first few years. The choices we make are complex and there is no perfect, right answer.
Choosing not to have children when you want them because you think childcare for the first five years will be too expensive is long term going to be a mistake imo - for your peace of mind and ultimate fulfillment I think you need to think again.

OP - wanting to keep your career is not selfish - you are sensible enough to realise that you need it for your own happiness. And mums ARE entitled to happiness as well you know - no reason for you to sacrifice everything that is important to you because you have kids. It is not necessary or even desirable to give up your job to be able to look after your DCs properly.

I work part time, have used day nurseries in the past and been very happy with them (DCs now both at school). My job has enabled us to have some little luxuries which would have been impossible without, now pays for school fees, and gives my DCs a positive role model of a woman earning her own living. It is sometimes a juggling act but we have managed so far.

Yes, staying at home is a valid choice and the right one for some people. But you do not feel it would be right for you and that is fine.

No right or wrongs in this, just what is right for you and your family.

Please do not miss out on having a family by overthinking this. Everyone muddles through and works it all out as they go along.

I had the choice made for me when I found myself unexpectedly pg at the age of 35. I had to continue working as I was the main wage earner at that point. I was shocked at the cost of FT nursery care initially, but when the baby arrives your priorities change completely, so I never "minded" the cost - you adapt to suit the circumstances. I was fortunate though that we were in the position to be able to afford pay for a good nursery.

My dd is 6 now and we have always coped fine. She is happy, healthy and doing well at school. It can be hard when they are tiny and seem to get every bug going. My employers were very flexible and let me work from home from time to time and dh did his turn.

Obviously if you work, you miss out on spending so much time with them, but on the other hand, I miss dd and look forward to spending time with her in the evening and weekends - the old cliche about "quality time" maybe. Personally I think I would have gone completely mad if I had been stuck at home all today.

Thanks so much for sharing things with me. As for the nanny the thought there was that if I had to go back to work with a newborn at home and it would of been best to have someone there instead of taking them somewhere.

Not many people go back to work with a newborn baby, most people take 6 months to a year off on maternity leave so the youngest babies in most nurseries in practice are about 5 and a bit months old.

Why not look into local nurseries and CM provision, you may be pleasantly surprised.

Are you in the US or UK Coleen?

I have posted elsewhere about this but I feel I am asking the same question as the OP, albeit in different circumstances. I am contemplating a return to full-time work after 6 years working part-time/being a SAHM/working freelance from home.

I feel trapped by the lack of options. I have three DCs, one pre-school, one starting school Sept., the other in Y1 - the only option seems to be a full-time nanny (given lack of after-school clubs, family, holidays etc) which would mean I was either working at a loss or barely breaking even.

What do other people do in my position?

Hi ColleenfromPA - I went back to work in stages. As I am self-employed I only got Statutory Maternity Pay of (then) £60 a week which covered most of my rent. As my savings ran low I took on more work - I did 1 or 2 day at week when my son was 12 weeks, 3 days a week at 6 months, 4 days a week at 8 or 9 months.

Since then I have used a mixture of parental care, child minder, nursery, after-school provision etc. In my experience child minders are the best - and cheapest - option (after parents, obviously!).

You just do what is needed to be done to keep food on the table and the family (including yourself) happy. Sometimes it was tiring but to be honest no more tiring than pre-baby full time working. I miss out on after-work drinking but you know, in the grand scheme of things ...

I didn't want to live on benefits so, having no private income, work is the solution.

We didn't really have a game plan, just sort of did it when we were mentally ready rather than worry about finances. You never know how things are going to change.

We had wanted to try working PT and sharing care, but it seem a bit pie in the sky. But when we sat down and worked it out we realised we wouldn't be much worse off doing that than paying for FT childcare, certainly not better enough to be worth not seeing our DD for the majority of the time.

It depends on what sort of lifestyle you are used to. We have always been paying off debts or had low income so it wasn't a massive shock to us to be surviving on essentially just over one income.

How easy would it be for you both to work PT? Even if you both could just reduce your hours or compress them to 4 days it will make a huge difference in terms of childcare costs and also the benefit of spending time with your LO.

You just have to try different options. If you wait till you're financially ready you'll be waiting for a long time! Try not to panic or be despondent. You will manage one way or another.

Thanks again everyone. I moved to the UK over ten years ago. Like some have said, I am probably over thinking it. I am naive on the ML timescale and now long people take off. I was guessing it would only be a couple of months but now hearing that soe people take upwards of a year..that does change things. For me and my line of work I like to try and work out an balance, I head a department and because I create content they have to put it on hold til I got back, which had me so worried I was on this short timescale.

I guess the idea of it all overwhelmed me, that there wasn't too many opinions out there and I would be paying atleast half of what I make in child care and stressing about work.

I took 6 months off with each of my 2. I think most people take a bit longer. It is certainly not unusual for people to take a full year. I believe things are very different in the US where I think about 6 weeks is the norm?

So don't worry, you do not have to rush back to work when you have a tiny newborn

When we first decided to have children both DP and I were in job wehere we could both easily have gone part time both financially and with our employers. The plan was that we would both work 3 days a week and my Mum would look after the baby on the overlapping day.

Unfortunately it took us over 4 year to conviece. By that time I had a different (and much, much better) job that I loved but isn't really doable part time. DP had been made redundant and his new place had a much different culture and a much lower wage. My Mum, after 27 years at home with kids, had started work full time (and shift work to boot.)

Best laid plans, eh?

I took a full year off before going back full time to an even better role (and I walk out the door and 5pm every day) DP then did 3 days for a year and is now doing 4 days. DS goes to a nursery which really suits him (and costs more than the mortgage)

My advice is to figure out how much money, after childcare, you'll have both when on maternity and beyond and, from this day forth, live on that money. Save the rest (or use it to pay down debt). This will help you learn to live on less and see where you need to make adjustments to your lifestyle & expectations (e.g. we wanted to move house, but realised things would be too tight while we were paying nursery fees.)