4 Months in and it's not getting easier - what is your advice?

[AnnetteTwitcher]

Hello - long winge below...beware!

I really need some advice/to moan to people that will understand my situation - all advice and wisdom very welcome!

I went back to my position in January - FT as employers wouldn't grant flexible working request and am finding it really hard..

Used to work 9 - (usually) 7/8/9pm + and now have to leave at 5, got remote working facility to work in evenings but am so knackered I can't usually face it. Also never have any 'us' time with DH at w'ends as always looking after DS that evenings seem a bit sacred ikwim.

It's sooo hard to fit everything I need to do into 9-5 - get in at 8 every day but still struggling as it's a BIG job and I feel like I'm just lurching from near miss to near miss.

Added to this my No2 covered my ML and now am back she is incredibly resentful/hard to manage and seems to constantly remind me of things I've forgotten to do.

Added to this I just don't feel as motivated by the responsibility to manage a team/get involved in office politics etc as I used to - love the industry I work in but just want to get on with the job, not have to do all the middle management crap I currently have to!

Leaving would be the easiest solution but I have to stay for 2 more months or hand back a return to work bonus, then am on 3 months notice, so the earliest I can leave is Sept..then we really want to start DC2 early next year!

So what are your thoughts? Tough it out and have DC2 bit earlier or leave and just live a bit without having to plan ahead for more babies??

I'm stuck!

X

Assuming work isn't going to change what do you really want?

If it's to avoid paying back the money then work to September. If it's to spend time with DS and work on baby 2 then chuck it in and leave.

Do not stick with something that is clearly not working. There are lots of other options and if you want to work then there are plenty of other options that don't require you to work until 7/8/9pm (I think!).

HI Annette

Sorry you are feeling like this.

I too went back to work full time in January to a very demanding job (60ish hours a week) with a 60mile a day drive.

It has been one almightly rollercoaster of hell but I've come out the other side. You may do to if you hang in there. I was told wait 6mths for it to improve and it improved for me after 3.5mths.

Maybe Im fortunate that I like the job I do and I also have no choice but to do it as I am the main breadwinner.

I think a lot of it is about how I thought about it. I was stuck for ages in guilt, wishing for maternity leave again and it was killing me. Now I find I just get on with it and its balanced out to be ok.

A big turning point for me came when i realised that if i was away from DD all the time and achieved nothing then its all for nothing. So it focused my mind to work really hard and my job so I feel like I am achieving something and making her being at nursery worth while.

If your company are savvy enough to offer return to work bonus money, then maybe they'd be open to discussing a more flexible working approach?

Good luck

I mean flexible working on full time hours. I am doing 7am to 4pm in the office (plus evening time to catch up) and it works well for us. DH takes DD to nursery I leave early at 4 and collect her.

i would just leave!

Oh I tried to request FT 8-4 and they turned that down as well!

I just feel trapped - I know we want another baby so common sense dictates that I should stay for the ML but don't know that I can stick it out at current job till DH thinks its the right time to start trying.

I really like Giraffe's comment though that time away from DD is wasted unless you are doing constructive. Maybe I just need to pull my socks up either way and focus..

Arrrghh...I literally have this conversation with myself several times a day!

Working full time in a job you are not completely happy with when there is something else you would be happy doing - ie being with your DS - is hard, and you are not alone.

Decide if you want to stay, and if you do, make the best of what you've got - love the life you're in.

Work: Look at everything you do, decide if it needs to be done, does it need to be done by you, is it done in the most efficient way possible (all info available, can it be repeated easily etc).
Guard your time viciously - if you have a meeting, schedule preparation and follow up time, schedule as many tasks as you can including "clear the decks" time and say No to anything you can't do.
Challenge your number 2, give her more responsiblity, let her do some of the stuff you don't want to do (office politics etc).
Look at your career ambitions and if appropriate accept the fact that for now, you are not looking to advance your career (doesn't have to be forever) and do your job well but don't worry about overachieving and shining at every opportunity.

Home: Enjoy being at home when you are there, don't take work home if at all possible so you don't feel guilty for not doing it. Something that worked for me was having two days where DH did the pick up and I stayed at work till I'd finished (sometimes very late!!) and on the other days I left work at work.
Schedule some time for you and you and your DH. (I'm assuming if you are considering leaving then you might be able to prioritise your spending and use some of your salary to buy you some life/work balance!) Get a babysitter once a week / fortnight and go out away from work, the washing etc. Even if you just go out for a walk / run / beer.
Enjoy your weekends, do things that you enjoyed doing before but adapted to your new family situation - better weather should help, it's been a long long winter!!
Not sure if your DS is at nursery / childminder but consider a nanny - can help with food for the weekends, childs laundry, the odd errand / appointment, possibly one bed time a week and would give you more time in the morning / evening at drop offs.

Hi annette. how was today?

Hello

Hard going, my No2 emailed me at 7am telling me she needed to go through a debrief for a big event I ran last week with me as there were 'issues' the team had shared with her about some of my direction! I had every intention of doing a full debrief and asking my team if they had learnings/feedback to run through with me (as I always do after this event) but she got there before me and now am on the back foot again. The tail is trying to wag the dog and I don't have the energy to fight it! Apparently the issues they have are to do with putting a few things in storage post event - nothing major but the way she phrased it made it sound like something serious was wrong.

My confidence is totally knocked, I don't feel capable of making a decision without it being questioned and I just feel totally caught up in the politics of middle management.

Anyway I talked to a very dear friend over the weekend who suggested that I stop trying to plan my life away and advised against getting pregnant just to leave a job I don't like anymore. He is right - life is too short to spend wishing away precious time when in truth I would much rather enjoy DS for another year before we plan another baby.

So I've taken control and am seeing a very good contact who works in recruitment on weds(who I employed several years ago and we've always stayed in touch - am honestly not a bad manager!) and another good contact has got me an interview at a really nice experiential agency next week!

Having made this decision I took DS to the park on saturday and had the best day with him , just hanging out as a family and cherishing our time together without secretly working dates out on my iphone when DH wasn't looking (told you I was obssessed!).

So THANK YOU ladies of mumsnet for your wisdoms, I am so grateful for you taking the time to read my long emails!

By emails I meant posts!

Good for you Annette, hope it works out for you.

I always say 'forwards ever backwards never' and going back to same job after 9 months off has been much harder than I thought it would be. Has anyone else had this experience?

X

You should discuss how you are feeling with your line manager. You sound stressed. Watch you do not get ill. You are needed at home. Ask for help from your line manager. have frank discussion with your no2 make it clear you don't currently feel supported and you want her to work on If you are hating each day make escape plans. Don't waste your life unhappy. You are doing well making changes to your routine. I changed company reduced salary a bit but can work reasonable hours now and work is more interesting when you have time to do it reasonably well and are not totally stressed out. Still busy though. Good luck!