Not being happy with my MIL caring for DD

[Mrs1GeneGenie]

This is partly a going back to work thread and partly AIBU....

We live close to my MIL & FIL therefore it makes sense for them to care for DD when I return to work part time in July/Aug but the thought of them doing so makes me feel sick!

Even before DD was born I have felt as though MIL is trying to take her away from me. DD is now 8 months old.

By the time DD was 3 weeks old I was informed her 1st birthday party would be at their house and I could invite my parents if I wanted to!

Recently I left DD with her while I went to meet a friend but was anxious about doing so. When I returned to collect her here was no one home. MIL has said they would go for a walk but I informed her when I would be back as DD would be hungry and I had to get her home for her lunch. MIL could not understand why I was upset they were home as DD was fine so I should be as well.

I feel she has NO respect for me as a mother and is always trying to take over.
I feel guilty for wanting to return to work at all but know I need to. I know MIL will take good care of DD and that I need to get these feelings under control but am finding this almost impossible to do!

Any thoughts?

If you feel like this I really think you should look into alternative child care arrangements.

It is so hard to go back to work and if you're worrying about your MIL taking over then it will be worse.

If you don't want MIL to take care of your DD, then make other arrangements, and tell her that this is what is happening. Simples.

Wish it were that simple but finances won't allow

My MIL looks after my DD one day a week. I had my reservations at first as she is a bit full-on, but i have come to realise that her heart is definitely in the right place. She doesn't always do things as I would like them, but will (usually) respect my wishes if I put my foot down on something. I think DD benefits from the things that my ILs do with her that I don't have time to do (gardening, animals) and from experiencing a different style of childcare.

However, she can be a bit overbearing at times, just because she used to be a primary school teacher (I think), and sometimes I ask my DH to talk to her if I feel a bit awkward about it. Sometimes she can be a bit abrupt about things if she knows I am unhappy (for example, getting back later than expected) but this usually stems from embarrassment rather than not getting what I mean. Could your MIL be doing the same?

How about sitting down with her and your DH and setting a few boundaries? Have a few trial sessions, and see how you all feel about it. You need to feel happy about leaving your DD there, but try and think about the good things she does as well as the things that get up your nose - it's all too easy to blow the little things out of proportion and forget that she is taking good care of your DD - remember that she is her granddaughter as well as your DD!

can you sit down with her and trash out any issues.

it is natural to feel anxious and you would feel worried about leaving your dd anyway, at least you know your mil loves her and will give her lots of cuddles etc.

good luck! and tell her to feck off with the 1st birthday party

Just because you live near her doesn't mean it automatically makes sense for her to look after DD if you don't feel comfortable with it. What would you do if they didn't live near?

So you dont have any actual worries about her ability to look after your dd? It would seem that your misgivings are based on emotions rather than practical issues.

You find your MIL a bit overbearing. She has annoyed you with her over enthusiasm for being a grandma. She annoyed you when she was out later than planned with your dd (although dd was fine).

In your shoes I think I would try to relax a little. I use a childminder because I have no choice, and the cm annoys me / insists on giving dd juice when she only has water at home / likes to tell me that dd did something for the first time at her house when I know that she was already doing that at home but cm won't listen... Etc etc. And I pay through the nose for it! But ultimately I do trust the cm to look after dd properly and dd likes the cm and is happy there.

No one else will ever be good enough to look after your baby, be they a cm, a nursery or a relative. If you trust your MIL to look after your dd reasonably responsibly, and you know she loves her granddaughter, swallow your pride and be grateful she's available and willing.

watercress your MIL sounds very similar and you have explained things better than I have been able to as feel really over whelmed by the whole issue at the min. I'm aware she is their granddaughter to as from the moment I was pregnant the emphasis has been on this rather than her son becoming a father!

Know we need to talk about things but it is so difficult as she still calls us 'the kids' and I think will always see us as children so is unable to have an adult discussion with us.

What would I do if they didn't live near by....hadn't thought of that one! Prob day care or not return to work at all.

Am coming to the conclusion the only way I'm going to deal with this is when it starts happening.

Wish I could be more chilled out about things

Thanks as ever lovely ladies

mrsSawdust, just read your post and know you are right.
Am very aware I am in danger of 'cutting my nose off to spite my face'!
Think this may come down to my worries about being a good mum and the possibility some one else may e ale to do a better job of caring for DD when I know this is not the case.
Need to have a long chat with my self!

I think for a start you should let her know that you will be throwing your own 1st Birthday party and that they are invited as guests to wherever you want to hold it.

As far as cild care goes, what alternative is there if finances won't allow it?

My MIL was very full on - as soon as I came home from hospital (id had a c section) she wanted to take ds out in his pushchair .....in doing that she took him to the hairdresser,the local shops and even the nursery where I worked to show him off!!!

She bought everything first for him and even used to visit us just to see him - she wouldnt bother with us it was just her grandson she wanted.

She arranged early retirement so she could care for ds and I could return to work.

I felt very pushed out and jealous.

She didnt end up being his childcarer- she became ill with cancer and I never returned to work I was looking after her.

Now my dc are teens (except the youngest) they grew up barely knowing their Nanna she died when ds1 was 2 and I realise as jealous as I was our life would be so much better had she been around she adored ds1 and was only guilty really of loving him to much and had I returned to work I would have been quite high up the ladder and obviously have bettered our financial family life.

Sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture.

Children dont have limited amounts of love to give and they can love you as their mummy and an overpowering Nanna too.

Have told her the party is at my house but made sure she's involved in it. Got DH to tell her it wasn't at her house

nickschick that is exactly how I feel, your experince has made me think lots. Thanks

Okay have been thinking lots while doing DD's lunch and am cross with myself for just agreeing with every one's comments as I don't want to upset anyone.

Yes I am lucky to have good, free child care but that does not take away from the fact I feel really un easy about the situation.

Think I need to stand up for myself more as I would with my professional head on and not be such walk over with my MIL. If I don't tell her I'm unhappy about things how can she know?

I do really appreciate the time people have taken to respond to my thread and I did ask for your opions which have all been helpful in their own way.

I hope this post is not taken the wrong way, I get alot of support from mumsnet and find the chat really helpful.

From a some what confused and maybe slightly hormonal Mrs1GeneGenie x

Hey I hope I havent upset you? that wasnt my intention.

No you haven't upset me at all I was more upset with myself as was reading back over the posts I just accepted every thing that was said without thinking about it enough.

Have got things in perspective now and think I have more of an idea how to manage things. As I said before I appreciate the time taken to write posts as I know a mums time is very prescious

This thread has helped me to reflect on stuff and to be honest I just wish I'd started it sooner

Sorry but I think you really should find other arrangements where you feel totally happy and don't have this 'emotional baggage.' Yes, it will cost, but this is your child - why would anyone begrudge spending good money for care they are happy with? Sometimes people seem to feel they 'ought' to use relatives for childcare if it's cheaper or free, but it doesn't really make sense - it's NOT a bonus if you're not happy with the care, it's a burden. Think of all the other things you WOULDN'T skimp on because they're too important. Your child is more important than any of those things.

Thanks violethill, had a long discussion with DH last night and have agreed MIL will look after DD untill she goes away at Christmas then if we are not happy I will arrange alternative care or consider leaving my job.

I agree good child care is worth paying for and am not worried about the qualitly of care it's just the emotional stuff that goes with it.

I think a trial run until Christmas is a very good idea - that way at least you are being open minded and can have a fair judge of whether it suits or not.

It's a really tough situation this one and you've obviously had some really good advice here. My MIL lives far far away so its not something I have had to deal with but a couple of things spring out at me.

The first is that if you can you should talk to her. Maybe not directly about the fact you are feeling this way, but, for example, what you expect from her as a child carer. I look after my friend's dd 2 days a week and she looks after my ds 2 days and we wrote a lot down for each other when we started - a sort of manual. If you make clear what you want for your dd and have a serious conversation with her about it it might help her to see you as an adult.

The second thing is something my ds has done recently at 17 months which your dd is a bit young for at the moment. He is now able to make it abundantly clear that Mummy is best. Daddy is great, Grandma and Grandad and Aunts and Uncles are fun but when the chips are down it's me he wants. No one can replace a Mummy and it won't be long before your dd starts telling you that. It's something to remember when you are feeling down.

Hope it all works out ok for you.

Thanks Nickschick and MraCMAW. Spent the day wil MIL yesterday and it went surprisingly well!

A serious conversation about DD's care is a good plan which I will try and do soon. I will keep that thought in my head about no one being able to replace Mummy as there are times when I feel like a bit of a side show!

Thanks again every one I am feeling so so much better than when I started this thread

I've found paying for formal childcare has worked best for us. My MIL is also overbearing, she looked after ds1 for 1 month before his nursery place was available and it was ok but not for long ter as she is controlling My mum was keen to move closer to us to care for ds1 and 2 but my dh said no way. In retrospect he was right, my mum gets very upset if you even vaguely comment about something she has done with the kids. Last summer my mum and dad minded ds1 and 2 for a few days - they went to the pub everyday on the way back from the park! When we said we weren't too happy about it my dad said they minded the kids for free so we should just get on with it. Therefore prefer formal arrangements.

Thanks tsom will think about what you have said.

I'm not sure you want anymore posts as you seem to have got a good plan together but thought i'd put 2pennies in...

My MIL was going to help out with childcare when i return to work (2nd child). However, long story short we weren't happy. I looked at changing hours etc but in the end we decided that paying for formal care was worth it. My MIL is great, and can be 'told' what to do but she can be unreliable. We thought that it was much better if she just looked after the DC at the weekends as an informal arrangement (so it doesn't matter if she lets us down). We think we're entitled to more tax credits to cover some of the cost of the extra childcare so we should be OK. However we're looking at the bigger picture. The extra cost is only for a few years whereas IN-LAWS ARE FOR LIFE!

Thanks so much for your post GF, have decided what to do at the moment but it's still good to hear other views!