Weekly commute with kids?

[indiegrrl]

Hi there, 5 yrs ago I moved jobs to be near DP so we could TTC for DC1...sadly the job didn't work out and my unhappiness meant we put off TTC til now. I've just been offered 2 posts - one in DP's office that is v. junior to what I'm doing now and one that is a promotion and offers less stress but is a weekly commute away! I'd have to be away Mon-Thur but I'd have school hols at home. DP says me being happy is what counts and I've certainly learned over the last few yrs that job satisfaction does mean a lot to me. We've done a weekly commute before with no problem - but am I mad to consider this commute with kids? Any advice welcome.

Are you mad to consider it? the simple answer is yes, I think you are!

Well not mad as such - I can see how you might well consider this pre-DC. But I think you are looking at this with a certain innocence which comes from not knowing (yet) what it will be like to be a mum. I think you are underestimating the amount a baby needs their mother to be around, and also the amount you may well want to be with your baby! It may seem like this job would make you happy now, but if you are hardly seeing your child in order to take the job you will have very split loyalities and, that has the potential to make you - and your DC - very unhappy. I would worry that you not being there would affect the bond your and your child have badly. Schools holidays is not enough to develop a decent relationship IMO.

Don't forget if you are a mum, you will have two jobs - one being a mum, and one your paid job. Personally I would worry about how good a job I could do at such a distance.

Of course it may be that you can make it work. But I think it's very likely indeed to be more trouble than it's worth.

If it was me, I would take the junior role (at least it's a job!) and carry on looking for a better job which you can better fit around your DS. It's very unlikely that this job is the only decent job you'll ever be offered!

I am in a job much more junior to the one I was in before DS was born. But the hours suit me much better, and I'm happy as I think, for me, I have the balance right. My priorities have changed a lot since DS was born. I haven't stepped off the career ladder - far from it - but actually having the time to spend developing a good relationship with DS in his early years are so important IMO. Any decisions I make have to have his interests taken into consideration too. Not to would be madness, and make for an unhappy family life for all of us.

hmm, it's a hard one. after having dd, i really wanted to return to work - i had such a crap pregnancy, that i was desperate to get my life going again. (a difficult birth, a newborn & multiple mastitus was relaxing compared to pregnancy).

however, i also worked with someone who was very career focused, and right up til the moment her dd was born, was convinced she'd return to work within 3 months. apparently, one look at her child & she completely changed her mind.

so, you just can't tell how it will affect you emotionally or physically.

if you take the job further away, are you committed to it for a while - how easy will it be to climb the career ladder if you take the junior role? how easy is it for your dp to be a single parent (as he effectively will be 4 days a week) with things like the dc being ill, or finding childcare to cover his work hours?

personally, i found the time pressure trying to do a responsible job & trying to be a good mum was almost intolerable - dh worked longer hours & we had no family nearby, i never felt like i was doing a good job at work or home. as a result, i got no job satisfaction.

fwiw, you can take things easy for a few years, then 'kick start' your career again in your 40s & 50s. kids are harder to fit in later.

Take the better job, you're not even pregnant, so I think you're getting ahead of yourself. What if it takes a year or more to happen, all that time wasted in a crappy job?

What about you all move to be nearer your new job. Is this even a slight possibility?

Thanks all of you - this is so helpful. When I realised how attracted I was to the job away from home, I worried that maybe I'm too selfish to even consider parenthood, so it is reassuring to see others have had to grapple with these conflicting priorities. I discussed this with DP earlier having got up the courage from your posts and he was really supportive. He also thought it wld be getting ahead of ourselves to think about putting a pregnancy that hasn't happened ahead of my job...and pointed out that I'm less likely to be made redundant there than in the more junior post - which might be a factor in providing for a baby.
Thanks lowrib for your last suggestion - I kind of steered the conversation that way because tbh the place this job is in would, IMO, be a better place to live and bring up kids (assuming they could actually see both their parents) and for the first time ever he suggested that he'd be willing to uproot and move nearer my new job (his football team are in our current home city and frankly they have come first way too often). He also said in principle he has no problem being a single parent part of the time but as some of you have said, that's easier said than done!! I think I have more friends with small kids than he has and can see how hard it'd be for him!
Because I had a period of sick-leave with work-related stress in my current job, having never suffered depression or stress before, I think I'm very wary about going into a crappy job that might make me too stressed TTC again or make me a depressed mum (or just person, if I can't conceive).
So...think I am going to go for it, settle in, and then think about TTC with a view to us relocating permanently in the not-too-distant. It feels daunting and I'm being a bit cavalier about DP's ability to relocate...but it also feels exciting.