Will my DC's ever love being with a nanny and is she taking liberties?

[itsonmylist]

I have recently employed a live-in nanny from overseas to help care for my two DC. She has never been abroad before so I have tried to make sure she is comfortable and not home-sick, as I wouldn't want it to impact on her care for the children.

She has been with us for a month (plus some time living in our house while we were on holiday).

She has a very detailed contract with all of our expectations laid out, of which she is only fulfilling about 70%. I am just now sure whether she is fully invested in this role, despite the fact that she is meant to be with us for a year.

She claims to 'love children', but she is very reserved and the DC's don't seems to be very fond of her. It might be their age (18m and 3yr) but I don't hear her talking to them or making them laugh. She takes them out a lot, which is great, but I am not sure how much fun she actually creates for them, which will be really important when we are overseas and there aren't playgroups and activities to go to all the time.

Can I really expect my children to love their nanny?

I have noticed a few things that make me slightly worried and also she has been taking a few liberties and I am not sure whether this is usual or whether I should be concerned.

1. While she was living in our house and we were on holiday she asked if her friend (female) could come over and stay one night. I agreed, but it appears that the friend stayed a whole week.

The same friend then came over one weekend we were away, which I agreed to and slept in my sons bed, but made no effort to change the sheets etc.

1. She is travelling with us over the summer and has asked if her relative and another friend can come and stay for a few days on separate occasions, both abroad and then come back and stay with her in our house in the UK.I initially said yes to one instance and now it seems to be escalating - more days, more time off etc

1. We returned home the other day and she was wearing my shoes, which she pointed out, but she must have been into my room and into my cupboard to find them and to know that they fit her. This makes me feel really uncomfortable. I have told her that our room is out of bounds and there is to be no borrowing following this.

I'd really appreciate somes thoughts on this situation, from other nannies and mothers, as I think my emotional perspective is clouding the issue and if I am going to make any drastic changes I need to make them now, before we go overseas.

Thanks

Children do take time to bond with nannies but she should definitely be making a big effort - more than she is. A month and I would be getting worried if such young children hadn't bonded. Most charges at that point are happy to see me, run to me and mummy equally for cuddles, chatter non-stop, mess around even when I'm not working. They might not love me by then but we've definitely formed a bond!

Interesting you mention she's from overseas - is the culture very different? Is English her first language? Are people there used to investing as much time in talking and playing with children? Approaches to child-rearing can vary drastically! You say you're going overseas, is she from there or will it be a new country?

Does she have much experience as a nanny? I find generally that nannies with less experience rely more on groups etc rather than home based activities. You may need to do a bit of homework for her and suggest activities your DC like at home for her to try. Has she been a live in nanny before?

If she's not doing her jobs in the contract you should definitely pull her up on it. That's why you have the duties written into it, just to make sure she knows what she's supposed to do.

1. Sticking to the bargain but forgetting to change the sheets might have been acceptable, although not very good. Having the friend to stay for a week is not on. Have you tackled her about this?

1. I don't quite follow. You're going overseas in the summer and she wants friends to visit while you're overseas and she's meant to be working. Then she wants to come back to your house in the UK with them while you aren't there? And she wants paid time off? What does your contract say about holiday arrangements? Is she paying all the travel back and forth? How do you feel about people in your house while you're in a different country?

1. That's really cheeky! It's total disrespect for you and the rules and borderline stealing - taking something of yours without asking. How old is she?! That's what teenagers do!

Oh and your emotions are important. You dontcone across as being happy or settled with this nanny yourself.

I think you need a serious "this is the contract you signed up to" discussion.

Your point 3 would make me really uncomfortable with her being in your house when you are away, IIWY.

You need to be able to trust her, and if she is taking liberties - i.e having friends to stay for longer than agreed, then that is not right.

Going into your room and borrowing your shoes is also not on!

How good is her English? If it is poor, then that may be a barrier to her talking to your DCs?

When my DCs were that age I always wanted to make sure their nanny/carer spoke fluent english as it is so important for their language development, so I would be concerned if the nanny was not talking to them.

I suppose it depends on how much time the nanany will spend with your DCs. Will she be in sole charge all day while you are working, or does she have more of a 'mother's help' role, doing other household tasks as well?

I would actually be more concerend with what she is doing when she is out with the children. You say she doesnt talk to them or make them laugh which shows a lack of interaction with the children. So where does she go with them?
If it was me >suspicious old bag icon< I would follow her to see where she ends up with the children. If its to a park ,playgroup or even a coffee shop with other nannies then possibly no problem. If it is to a private house then I would be making more investigations about who lived there etc. She hasnt proved herself very trustworthy and seems to be taking you for a ride-wearing your shoes indeed.

If this was me I would probably have already revisited the contract that she signed and made sure that she was very aware that it is adhered to or else

Thanks for your comments. It is reassuring to know that I am not going crazy or being unreasonable.

She is Australian, so language isn't a problem. She is over 25, so I had hoped for a greater level of maturity, as she is sole charge, while i am working, which will be the same over the summer, when we will be in Europe.

Her relative will be staying with us when she is working and then returning with her while she take holiday, to live in our house in the UK...I am feeling more and more like I am being taken for a ride and I am not sure what to do about it.

We wanted someone to become a part of our family and feel comfortable with us, but I feel it has gone too far that way!

Wow - I was imagining a young girl fresh from a wholly different culture and little idea of personal space.But an Australian? over 25?

She needs a very big bomb up her jacksy.

Has she been a live in nanny before? She comes across as either inexperienced or crap.

Plus she seems to have no sense of boundaries whatsoever!

From your OP, she sounded like an inexperienced aupair rather than a nanny. Now that I hear she is 25 and Australian, I think she is totally taking you for a ride! In her defence, if she has never been abroad before, maybe she is confusing a real nanny "job" with some kind of cultural exchange where it might be (a bit) more acceptable to have some family occasionally stay over, need more direction for work etc. I would sit her down, ask her nicely if she understands that she is your employee just as if she was working in retail or banking or whatever and whether she would think it was acceptable to take the same liberties in any other workplace? I would also ask her to reconcile her love of children with the fact that it doesn't seem to translate into the reality of interacting with them. Where does she take them when she goes out?

I agree with striker's comment - where is she taking the children? As a mum of three young children (and former nanny) I would be concerned about a few of the things you have mentioned.
A 25 yr old she should have more maturity and it sounds like she is over stepping the mark (visiting relatives when working, the shoes (I would be so cross!!) - no respect.
The most important thing for you is that you feel that you trust the person you leave your children with. There is always a bit of a risk involved in employing a nanny that was not personally recommended or known to you etc..
I would be inclined to watch her carefully for a while (if you intend to keep employing her)

Wow, there is a lot for me to think about here. Thanks.

She takes them to playgroups (there are lots that I am familiar with and I pointed her in the right direction), also to museums and to the playground / picnics etc. She seems quite motivated to get out and about with them, which is the part I am happy with.

Has she nannied before? It can be quite an isolated role, so she could well be keen to get out and about for any form of adult contact. Do you know anyone at the playgroups who can give you feedback on how she seems to them?

I'd be concerned about the lack of interaction with the children. Mine (now aged 7 and 5) have always had nannies, always been clear that they loved mummy and daddy best but also been fond of their nannies. All 3 nannies have been live out.

Nanny 1 was the exception to this rule. I was never truly happy with her, and glad when she left after a year. She was just basically mediocre. Like your nanny, she also found reasons to go into my room even though it was forbidden, and to "just find herself" near her own flat, and pop in with DS1 to show him to her husband, also forbidden as I had not met him or taken up references for him, and he did not have a CRB check. Nanny 1 claimed that she encouraged the children to do things for themselves, so that they learned independence and self-reliance. In retrospect, I think she was lazy.

It will be a lot of upheaval for you and your DCs, but I think in your shoes I would look for a new nanny. I'm guessing you want someone to tell you it will all settle down in time. I'm sorry, but I can't say this.

I am somewhat reassured on the outings now, given that you know where she is going, although I second the poster who said that it would be good to check that she is actually interacting with the children at playgroups etc and not just leaving them to their own devices or expecting other mothers/nannies to keep an eye on them.

I agree that nannying can be isolating but given that she has only been here a month and had a friend to stay over more than once already, she obviously doesn't have difficulty making friends.

Does she have sole charge of your children or is she just an extra pair of hands? If you are around all the time, maybe she feels a bit inhibited around the kids?

Any which way, you need to have a chat with her. If she has been with you for a month, it would be perfectly reasonable to sit down and have a mini-review. This also gives her a chance to air any concerns she has.

No, no, no. She sounds awful. I nannied for about 8 months before leaving to have my DD and would never have DREAMED of doing any of this.

You have two main issues - trust, and her interaction with the children. Both are very big, and I would be inclined to let her go, even without taking the family member staying etc etc. The very fact that she has betrayed your trust twice and seems to have little interest in your children is bad enough.

I think live in nannies are a bit of a minefield, tbh, because the whole situation requires a very delicate balance of trust on both sides, adjustment, boundaries, etc. The nanny you currently have doesn't sound as if she's the right one for you or your DCs. I know it's a total pain, but maybe start a search now and don't tell her until you've found someone else? Bit harsh, I know, but feeling comfortable with the provider of your childcare is paramount here.

On reading your OP I thought "this sounds very like a nanny we once had" (also an Australian, though I'm sure this is not representative of Aussie nannies in general! Actually, she was 23 a couple of years ago so I am wondering if it is the same woman.).

Ours had no boundaries either. The reality was that she was in the UK for a jolly, and was being a nanny because it was expedient not because she was really invested in the job. She took the piss too - days off demanded (like an ultimatum), using my things without asking, running up a huge phone bill, not doing the whole job. She would take DD out to groups, but never bothered to take the initiative and meet up with other children outside of the groups that I sent her to. If I ever get another nannny like that I will sack her immediately.