Job offer and can't decide what to do, going around in circles. Any other expats experienced this?

[Oilersgirl]

I know at the end of the day the decision is mine but I would like a few different perspectives. I have been a SAHM since the birth of my DD who is now 2.5 yrs old. I have been offered a full-time position with a good company in the city (London) and it is a step up in my career. Here are my issues with returning:

• We are expats and have absolutely no family here whatsoever to help us out if anything goes wrong. (sick child, sick parent, etc). Our small circle of friends exists of childless couples who work like demons so cannot help out.

• DH is self-employed in a trade where work can be great or sporradic. Meaning there can be periods where DH works 3 weeks straight without a day off (12 hour days including weekends). Then there can be two weeks with no work at all. So our DD may only see us in the evening and some weekends only me.

• I do not drive and have to use public transport to get everywhere. This means that I need to take public transport to get to the nearest CM which at best takes 30mins. I then would have to travel to the job on public transport which is another hour. So 3 hours of my day would be travel time (when the tubes are running properly).

• My DD has never been without out me for long periods. Only goes to the CM occassionally when I have needed to go to appointments, etc.

• The job is a stressful high profile job that requires occasional travel abroad. However it is a great position which is a great step for my career. The salary is OK but has some decent benefits.

• Financially with me at home we manage, depending on how much work DH gets. If I go back it will add a bit more to the pot but not huge amounts after childcare, transport costs and work clothes.

• To complicate matters further the CM that I really like and would entrust my child to, Is going on holiday for a month 1 week after I am due to start the job.

I am at a complete loss...please would some others provide some perspective. Particularly if you have experienced a similar situation.

It is telling that you've listed far more negative points than advantages. Why do you think that is?

I would like to return to work but this is the reality, that is why I wanted perspective from other expats that may have dealt with this. Am I battling reality to satisfy my need to work?

ok, well, in order

1. Loads of people in London have no family/help. I would try and move into a family friendly area then you'll have more chance of meeting people with children. Will also be more fun for you on the weekend if your dh is working hard!

1. That's no issue in London really. Do you have to live in the place you have chosen? Could you live nearer the Cm or work?

1. They adapt quite quickly children for the most part

I agree with llaregub, sounds like you don't want it!

I can understand that going back to work after being a SAHM (especially if you enjoy it) can be incredibly difficult. It also must be very hard to consider without family support.

If you have found a CM that you like and would like to use, it sounds like you are making the right steps at a return to work. Perhaps it the wrong type of job for you. 3 hours a day travel time does sound a bit crazy if both parents are working lots of hours. Maybe you can look for something closer to home that would really reduce that time.

Have you thought about doing driving lessons to make your life easier with getting to and from childcare. This would reduce your travel time I assume? It would probably give you more independence as well if you DH works so much.

What about part time work around your DH?

Good luck and I am sure whatever decision you make will be the right one for you.

It sounds like you just don't want it. I also live in London without any family support. I also have to travel 1.5 hours to work - 3 hours travel a day. It can be truly hectic, & it wouldn't work without my partner able to pick up slack. What would you do when you need to get your daughter from the childminder at 6pm latest, your boss wants you to work late & your DP can't get out of work either?

Even without factoring in your DD I wouldn't do it. I worked in London years ago and had 3 hours travelling every day for a while. I lasted 6 months. It was a nightmare even when the system was working. Factor in being away from your DD for so long with not that much financial gain and is it really worth it?

Oilersgirl, logistically and logically, you cannot do this job.

To keep your sanity as a working mother, you need fall back and back up childcare and a reasonable commute with nurseries/schools close to your house.

Your kind of job with international travel and a dh who cannot reliably cover, you need a live-in nanny. More so, since you cannot drive, you should use in-home childcare.

Unless this job allows you to afford a live-in nanny, you probably have to turn it down, learn to drive and then find another job.

PS Where are you in London that the nearest CM is 30 minutes away? I am in Lambeth & the place is crawling with childminders! I live 15 minutes away from mine & that seems inconvenient (partly because she's in the opposite direction to the tube... error)

Move closer to work/get a live-in nanny/delay start date after CM returns. I would never do a 1.5hr commute. Can you really leave work at 4.30/5pm to get to CM at 6/6.30pm?

Are you planning more kids? Could you imagine doing a 3 hour round trip each day being very pregnant?

Take it easy on yourself and give it a go for a year. I'm an expat too and went back to work after 17 months and firmly feeling I wouldn't. It's worked out really well so worth exploring other childcare options too (I have an amazing nanny who is a Mum). If you don't do it you may always wonder, if you do and it doesn't work out you can always know you gave it a shot.

Oilersgirl, your post has really helped me. I'm in the same position as you - not an expat - but with lots of local support. Even with 2 sets of grandparents locally and a local-working husband I cannot see a way to work.

Crucially, will this give you the leg up that you will need when your child goes to school? What I am saying is that you will be fine now: a 2.5YO is easy to get looked after. A 5 year old, with two school runs and 12 weeks of school holidays is not!

Best option for now: a nanny £1800 a month probably.
Best option for later: an au pair (£400 a month)

I'm thinking for me it is impossible. I spent a week on a high with excitement, then another week sick with panic, and now I'm adopting the head-in-the-sand strategy.

I know how you feel - you just want to talk about it so much that a solution MUST come from the talking - because the pressure in your own head hurts?!

I know at the end of the day the decision is mine but I would like a few different perspectives. I have been a SAHM since the birth of my DD who is now 2.5 yrs old. I have been offered a full-time position with a good company in the city (London) and it is a step up in my career. Here are my issues with returning:

• We are expats and have absolutely no family here whatsoever to help us out if anything goes wrong. (sick child, sick parent, etc). Our small circle of friends exists of childless couples who work like demons so cannot help out.

• DH is self-employed in a trade where work can be great or sporradic. Meaning there can be periods where DH works 3 weeks straight without a day off (12 hour days including weekends). Then there can be two weeks with no work at all. So our DD may only see us in the evening and some weekends only me.

• I do not drive and have to use public transport to get everywhere. This means that I need to take public transport to get to the nearest CM which at best takes 30mins. I then would have to travel to the job on public transport which is another hour. So 3 hours of my day would be travel time (when the tubes are running properly).

• My DD has never been without out me for long periods. Only goes to the CM occassionally when I have needed to go to appointments, etc.

• The job is a stressful high profile job that requires occasional travel abroad. However it is a great position which is a great step for my career. The salary is OK but has some decent benefits.

• Financially with me at home we manage, depending on how much work DH gets. If I go back it will add a bit more to the pot but not huge amounts after childcare, transport costs and work clothes.

• To complicate matters further the CM that I really like and would entrust my child to, Is going on holiday for a month 1 week after I am due to start the job.

I am at a complete loss...please would some others provide some perspective. Particularly if you have experienced a similar situation.

I think sometimes the fear paralyses us. Give it a try, at least then if you love it you will be pleased, and if you don't then you can say it wasn't for you.

That is the advice I would give you, but then again I don't know if I can take my own advice.

Do you crave the job because of the status it will give you? Or because you really need the money? Or because you feel like you have 'wasted' your education and career?

Sometimes there are bigger issues than 'oh can't make the childcare work'. I know these are all true for many people. Have you read this article??about women who give up f/time work?

Ok very strange, don?t know why my first post posted again when I wrote a completely different reply to the original post??

Hmmmm ok?.will try again.

After much deliberation and consideration of every permutation of the job and situation that I am in I decided to decline the position.

• There are 2 CM?s closer to me but one is full and ?has not had a space for the last 3 years? and the other does term time only so neither was suitable.
• Move??? Well we would love to move as we live in what would be described as a box in London, however after an extended illness during the first 1.5 years of my DD?s life we are in a significant amount of debt and cannot afford to move. This illness also brought home many truths about problems coming up without any family or friends to help and I could not put myself in a similar situation via the demands of a job.
• We could never afford a nanny even if I accepted the job. We could barely afford the costs of a CM with both of us in FT work.
• Live-in help would not be a possibility as we have a tiny 2-bed.
• The commute of 3 hours is just far too much and to add to that if there were problems with the tube (very common) it would cause havoc with Childcare arrangements. Futhermore as I have no family or friends to assist in cases of illness of DC or CM it would put me in an impossible situation.
• I am currently taking driving lessons and if I took this FT position I would not have had the time to complete these and this has now become a necessity with a DC. I also feel that when I complete these and get my license it will open up possibilities for childcare and other work opportunities.

Ultimately I decided to have a child and I have to put the needs of my family before my own desire for a career. As incredibly difficult as it has been to come to this decision I have come to understand that I need to make these sacrificies.

So I will look for a local job, possibly part-time or with a greater deal of flexibility most likely in a completely different field.

Thank-you everyone for your responses, sometimes one just needs to ?think outloud? in the greater world.

Hi Oilersgirl - you are spot on. You do need to think out loud sometimes and I think (by the sounds of it) that you have come to a logial conclusion for the moment. Time may come in the not too distand future, where you, and DC, may be in a better place for you to think about working again. (And you have reminded me of that fact, too!) Wishing you the very best.