Survival tips for working mum of 2 please

[Schulte]

Have just gone back to work after having dd2. The girls are 3yo and 11mo and go to nursery from 8am-6pm. I work 4 days a week and have a 50 minute commute on the train each way. DD2 is still not sleeping through properly so we're up at 5am every morning. She's also a very bad eater so whatever I cook for her mostly ends up in the bin. DD1 is good but, like every toddler, chats and chats and jumps about endlessly, getting in my way.

I am exhausted, I hate myself, I have turned into a screeching banshee because it's so difficult to stay on top of everything: washing, shopping, cooking, looking presentable on my working days, keeping the dds clean and warm and happy. DH is not much help and mainly reproaches me for being in a constant bad mood.

Please share your survival tips or I shall have a nervous breakdown soon...

I am, as you know, a working Mum of but one, but my limited experience of this so far suggests that a slow-cooker is a godsend! There's nothing like coming home from work to find that dinner is magically already ready!

Sorry, I know that's not much help in the grand scheme. Online shopping (I'm an Ocadophile). Don't bother ironing things unless you absolutely must (for me it's just work tunics - DH does his own shirts)?

Chocolate, too, of course. And wine. And gin.

Not much help here but some things that helped me.....

Cook and freeze at weekends - the boys almost never have anything freshly cooked for tea during the week, it's all straight out of the freezer and warmed up.

Don't set yourself impossibly high standards - identify what's absolutely essential and what's not. For example we stopped having a bath every night for the boys when I went back to work - now it's every other day, or sometimes every two days.

Can DD1 have some special jobs that are hers, to stop her getting under your feet? Maybe put her in charge of fetching DD2s milk when you get home, or something small like that, so she's busy?

Can you work from home one day a week, to save the commute? It's exhausting enough on its own, never mind actual work.

Will try and think of some more

It's all quite recent though, it will get better as everyone settles into it.

On the cooking and freezing - we also cook all our meals without salt so that leftovers are suitable for the children the next day. And always cook more than you need and freeze!

I already don't do any ironing. We have a cleaner, and the children get bathed once a week, if they are lucky. Can't really lower the standards there

Which bits are causing you the most stress?

Also, what's the division of labour? IME, DP/DHs are often guilty of thinking that the division that existed during maternity leave will persist when their partner goes back to work....whereas actually that puts a really unfair load on the mother, as they have often picked up a lot of the domestic tasks during mat leave by virtue of being at home.

And also DP often gets cross about grumpiness where there seems to be no solution - men like solutions so I've found giving him specific tasks can help. I.e. I know I'm being grumpy, I'd be a lot happier if you could always do X (put rubbish out, pick up girls from nursery one day a week, cook half the meals etc etc). Works here, anyway.

HTH

How much time do you get to yourself? To extend WFHIT point above you also need to have a couple of hours to yourself every week that are sacrosanct. Tell DH he in charge and leave house. Do anything that makes you happy (this includes driving somewhere quiet and having a nap). Even if you really feel you should be doing something else ignore those feelings. IME time to yourself is bottom of list of priorities when you feel under pressure yet it's thing you need most to preserve perspective and sanity.

I have two small kids and work 3-4 days a week so I feel your pain. It does get easier as they get older but I would try and tackle your DDs sleeping as getting more sleep will make everything seem much better. Have you read all the books usually recommended on here for sleep problems. No Cry Sleep Solution etc

Ah thanks everyone. I love the idea of driving somewhere to have a 2 hour nap

So the worst part of the day for me is picking the girls up from nursery when I am already tired from a day at work, then having to drag them home, giving them a snack (which involves me going back and forth between table and fridge about 6 times because DD1 needs more milk, more cheese, you name it) and then putting them to bed. DH doesn't come home until after they've gone to bed. So WFH, I think your tip of making DH pick them up once a week is great. Then he can deal with all the crap while I go for an after work drink.

Re. dd2's sleep, the only thing that would help is putting her to bed later - she just doesn't do more than 10 hours a night. But then she'd be kicking around in the evenings when I really want to put my feet up for 10 minutes so not ideal!

Not much to add, but by my reckoning with you doing the bulk of the childcare and also responsible for food, the washing should be DH's responsibility pretty much in its entirety.

Perhaps you could train DD1 to get her own seconds of cheese etc. at snacktime (cut cheese into pieces as soon as it comes into the house or else use those evil individually wrapped cheese portions my DS1 is addicted to)

Schulte, your dcs go to nursery. Do they eat well there? If so, don't bother cooking their evening meal. Just give them a sandwich or other quick snack like the cheese thing for dd1 - I have been known to give cereal and milk. I still find that serial short order snack maker thing quite annoying.

To avoid the evening rush, perhaps you can prepare dd's snacks in a lunch box and take it to work with you to give to her when you pick her up. That way, she is quiet once you get home (for a few minutes) while you settle other things.

Obviously all this will have to be done the night before, together with laying out their nursery kit and outfits.

I menu plan and bulk cook for adult meals over the weekends. That way, for most weekdays, I just have to heat up food rather than cook. Reduces washing up as well.

I reckon when I get really ratty, I get dh to do one side of the nursery drop off or pick up. He finds it easier to do the drop off. The worst thing to be lumbered with is to do both sides - your work life is then caught up between 2 immovable time posts. That is hugely stressful, particularly if your job has an element of unpredictability.

I think the best and fairest arrangement is for your dh to do one end of the nursery run and you do the other, on a regular basis.

Oh Schulte, this will be me in a few weeks time so I'm afraid I've got no advice to offer

The only thing I'd say is have you talked to DH about how you're feeling? It sounds like he definitely needs to take on more responsibility for the household stuff. I'm sure my DH will just assume I'll still be doing shopping/cooking/all DS's stuff/laundry when I go back to work as well as drop off and pick up at CM. Unless I tell him it's not possible/making me miserable he wouldn't think to offer to help - not because he wouldn't, just because he wouldn't think about it.

I have two girls of similar ages and work exactly the same hours. My solution - a nanny. Nannies aren't that much more expensive than two nursery places but are so much less stressful for the following reasons:

• you don't have to get the kids ready in the mornings. The nanny arrives at your door and dresses and breakfasts them;
• you arrive home to fed, bathed and pyjamaed children so the few mins you have before bed can be quality time;
• the nanny cooks to suit your kids and most will cook and freeze stuff for weekend meals;
• nannies do all the children's laundry and ironing, tidy their rooms, change their bed sheets etc.
• if the kids are ill you don't need to take time off;
• nannies can take your kids for immunisations, dentist appts, shoe fittings, hair cuts etc. Leaving your days off for fun.

Hiring a nanny is the best decision I have made in a long while. Worth every penny. If it is too expensive for you there are cheaper options e.g nannies with babies of their own charge a lot less if they can bring their baby to work, au pairs are much cheaper. Ttalk to a local nanny agency and see what your options are.

unless your nursery is hugely subsidised, I found a live out nanny a cheaper option long term, especially when you take into account the days you/dh have to take off when the dcs are ill and can't go to nursery (but not so ill that a nanny can't look after them, like conjunctivitis etc.!).

but reading your posts, your biggest problem is dh. You don't both go back to work without both of you pulling weight I'm afraid so I think he needs a wake up call. If you stay with the nursery plan, either he needs to help with drop offs or pick ups.

And I think it's quite normal to feel tired tbh. I work FT and it is pretty knackering!

A nanny is a good suggestion for flexibility with 2 ft working parents.

What I use is an aupair but keep both dcs in fulltime nursery/school. Do you have an extra room for an aupair? My aupair does almost all the drop-offs/pick ups which is infinitely more complicated now that dd is in school (finishes 3:00 but with afterschool activities on other days).

She also covers if I have to stay late at work at short notice and the school holidays.

Hi, thanks everyone, I will explore the nanny option. Work have now asked me to fly abroad for a day in a couple of week's time and I just don't know how to do it!

Echo nanny suggestion - it changed my life as a working Mum.

Also, echo reassessing the balance of work with your DH.

Can I rant... you might have done all the house stuff while you were on maternity leave but you can't carry on doing that when you are back at work. You are both working parents, and should share all of the work. Percentage of contribution to the family income should not come into it (I have heard arguements that A would get a pay rise / bonus of X if performed well while B's incremental income would be much lower)

My DH and I tried two options, alternating short days and long days at work with one parent being responsible for pick up and drop off on two days per week - that was tough. Easier was one doing drop off and one doing pick up, alternating each day which allows both of you the option of two days per week when you can stay at work till the work is done and sharing the home stuff equally.

And set up a regular date night with your partner, where you both leave the house together with no work or house jobs to do. It's amazing what you can work out over a bottle of wine that you can't work out while you try to sort the washing out!!

Good Luck - it's a bit trial and error but you will get there...

Schulte, if I was going back full time I'd go the nanny/au pair route.

Can you refuse to go abroad or postpone it for a little while?

ThinkingOfYouTiggaxx

Tiggs I am thinking of point blank refusing and saying it's logistically too difficult. DH is worried they might sack me over it but a) I think not and b) I don't REALLY care.

This was me about ten years ago. I sympathise Schulte as when I look back I don't know how I did it.

Our way of coping was that DH cooked at the weekend (I cleaned) and we just had snacks out of the fridge for tea each weekday. Cheese cubes, fruit, a few crisps, sandwiches. DH and I had a lot of cheese and biscuits, fruit and tinned soup in the week. It was easy and quick.

Tesco delivered the shopping. I used a tumbledryer and didn't iron much.

My children did have a bath each night as they loved it. It always cheered them up and was a nice routine. I didn't do bedtime stories as too tired. Just at weekends if they were lucky.

I did all the nursery drop offs and pickups but DH pulled his weight with the cooking and did a lot at weekends so I got a break.

It does get easier- every year that goes by is easier than the one before.

Regarding the overseas trip- can any grandparent stay to help?

There are loads of good ideas here.

If the snack for DD1 is a problem, can you back it into a snack box in advance and then just haul it out of the fridge?

Re the work trip, I think I'd be tempted to say no on this occasion, but make it clear that you're not saying no per se, just that at the moment you are adjusting to being back at work / new routines etc, and that you won't be able to do nights away until after x date.

OTOH - if your DH is keen for you to go, maybe a couple of days of dropping off & collecting the girls while you relax in a foreign hotel is just the thing?

Echoing these tips. We have a live out nanny and generally one of DH or I is here when she arrives, and the other is here to let her go home. The nanny solution also removes all the stress about cooking tea for the DCs, and even giving them breakfast at that age; it gives flexibility for work nightmares like travel/ late meetings. There are lots of SAHMs round here who are delighted to have a nanny for one day a week, and this gives you a FT job to offer by way of nanny share.

Give DH specific jobs to do every week and let him do it, and let him fail to do it until he learns he has to. DH used to order the groceries on line on a Monday night, and we had a couple of "cupboard bare" weeks until he worked out he had to check what was needed Every Time.

I'd be cautious about saying no to the work trip, myself.

If you do manage to go away (I hope you do!!), I hope it's somewhere nice and you have a great time!!!

I remember a work trip to New York where I took advantage of jet lag and being up early and went for a run in Central Park and took advantage of having no kids around and went shopping after work. Spent lots of money in a short period of time - bought a shirt for DH too - felt great!!

Absolutely, nanny is the way to go! For the age of the children an au pair would not be a good idea, too much responsibility for someone without formal qualifications, etc. You could get a free place in a nursery for the 3 sessions a week that your 3 year old would receive and your nanny can take them there and back, so they would still get socialisation skills.

Nursery places are so expensive that it shouldn't cost you much more. Also, some nannies are willing to do light housework duties - mine also does the ironing and general tidying when my DS1 is at one of his free nursery sessions.

Oh and as an added bonus - you get crafty presents made for your birthday, mothers day, and cards for family members for their special occasions as well!!!! (Can you tell I love my nanny??!!)

Well I have spoken to a local nanny agency and they said a nanny is £8.50-£10 an hour around here, plus tax and NI contributions so it would work out more than the nursery places, unfortunately. We'll have to stick with nursery for the time being but I have made DH do the online shopping, and the tidying up, and he came home early today to help put DD1 to bed so things are starting to look a bit better. Thanks everyone for all the help, I do love Mumsnet.