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Original poster

Can we have it all?

12 replies

a600 · 27/03/2010 17:43

Do you think that we can "have it all?" as in a great career, kids, family, look fab, social life etc? I find it really hard to ballance everything, although i would like to think that women can have it all, I don't know if it is actually possible.

OP posts:

Portofino · 27/03/2010 17:51

I honestly think no we can't! Not everything at least. And the same goes for men too. There are only so many hours in the day.

It is a fine balancing act. To have a really successful career, you need to put the time and effort in. This can still be done with small kids if you leave early and work later when they are in bed. But then you and you relationship go without ifyswim.

Or you hire help, but then you see less of the dcs.....Having a cleaner/getting ironing done/online shopping etc helps a lot, so that when you are home at least you can concentrate on family stuff. But I do honestly think something has to give. In my case it is probably me! I am always knackered.

violethill · 27/03/2010 17:59

'Having it all' is a ridiculous and meaningless phrase.

As Portofino says, no one can 'have it all'

It is possible to combine a career with family life though, and indeed not only possible but often desirable and enjoyable.

I think the 'having it all' concept has a lot to answer for in terms of making women feel they have to aspire to be superwoman. They shouldn't.

I find the solution is, pick a partner who believes that he is just as capable of changing nappies, playing with kids, cooking, shopping etc as you are, and that you are just as capable of passing exams, getting trained and having a good job as he is.

It's not rocket science, just a case of getting on with living!

vidia · 27/03/2010 18:02

No, we cannot have it all. There aren't enough hours in the day. If your circumstances give you any choice, you just have to choose the best combination of options that you can. Something always has to give.

Portofino · 27/03/2010 18:43

I totally agree with what VioletHill said. Trouble with modern feminism seems to be that we are only judged as successful when we are out earning the dosh with the men. Equal dosh of course. Some mothers don't want that. (Some do of course).

I could have a much "better" job than the one I have. Lots of foreign travel, company car, more money etc. I have people phoning to invite me to interview for these jobs. I don't WANT it when my dd is still little. I want to be home, chatting about her day, cooking dinner. My dh does it though. I COULD get an au pair and do it do I suppose. I still don't want to though.

Portofino · 27/03/2010 18:49

I have to add to that, that dh is a very hands on dad, but even if he was home whilst I jetsetted, I personally would still not want that. I go to work, I do what I have to, but my focus is my family. Is that anti-feminist? It is purely my choice....

NumptyMum · 27/03/2010 19:04

'Having it all' is an odd concept, IMO. In most areas of life you prioritise, and priorities change over time. 'Having it all' seems to suggest that everything is just as important - which surely isn't the case, as how could EVERYTHING be as important?!

Better to aim for enjoying what you have, in whatever balance works best for you. I have a great part-time job, and really enjoy the 2.5 days I get with DS. I also love that he is in nursery 2.5 days as I think it really helps him and he does enjoy it. On the non-nursery days I'm glad that he also gets to do things at a more relaxed pace, and we can go swimming etc. I guess the only other thing we'd like would be if my DH were in a position that he could work less hours and take on some of the childcare, but as he's partner in a business that's not possible. But I reckon that at this time, I've got a great balance that works well for me.

TheFallenMadonna · 27/03/2010 19:11

I have what I want I think. I have a family, a career, friends. I'm a bit scruffy, but then I always have been. However, I also had what I wanted when I was a SAHM for five years. Things change, priorities change. That's no bad thing I think, as long as your now choices don't take away your choices in the future.

scottishmummy · 27/03/2010 19:23

have it all is empty phrase and unattainable.you do what you have to do and inherent in all choices are consequences good and bad

i am happy with my choices,but naturally i have good days and bad days.

mrsbaldwin · 27/03/2010 20:47

For me personally, at the moment - one DC, aged one, working pretty much full time, supportive DH - what has had to give is my waistline/fitness. This may not sound like much but it's annoying me A LOT. There is a lot less time to go to the gym etc. And on the occasions that I could have got to the gym, about half the time I'm ill with some bug I picked up, so no gym there either. You can walk up the stairs at work etc, eat more salads, but in the end I have always needed to put some time into it - and that bit of time has currently disappeared!

So I have: good job, nice DH, nice baby, but I look not like I want to! I am with Portofino - what gives is me!

mrsbaldwin · 27/03/2010 20:48

*ill with some bug I picked up from the baby

emy72 · 29/03/2010 12:07

I think that motherhood changes most people in very fundamental ways. Apart from the obvious barriers of wanting to spend more time at home, I think there is a deeper sense of wanting to do something meaningful and fulfilling. I always have this feeling that "if I am going to sacrifice time away from my family, it's got to feel worthwhile". I think that is part of the battle - for me anyway.

DeirdreB · 29/03/2010 20:43

I think the great thing about our generation of women is we can have whatever we want, and when we think it's not quite in the right balance, we can change it.

What we can't have is it all at the highest level at the same time.

Three years ago, I had a good job, plenty of money and my children were looked after by a nanny. Now I look after the children full time, we have less money and my career is on hold. In a few years when the balance shifts again, I will revisit my life plan and adjust the levers as required.

It's not all perfect, but we have it in our power to set the priorities for now and let everything else take a back seat for a while.

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