Sharing the childcare with dh - can it ever work?

[nesomja]

My son is 20 months and since I went back to work 3 days a week after M/L my dh has been looking after him during that time. That has included significant sacrifices for him - he wasn't able to get part time work and so has been doing bits and pieces of freelance - and also for us as a family as financially it has been disasterous! However, we felt really strongly that we didn't want to put our son in childcare at a year old. However it has been more difficult than I ever thought. Dh has found it hard being with ds although they have a great relationship and have fun together - dh has also found it really hard not having 'a career job' for a while and he's struggled with the mum's network being unfriendly to men - some mums have even said to me that they don't ask him to things are their partners would be jealous. It has meant that whenever I am off work I feel like I have to do all the childcare to make up for the days when I'm at work (because I also end up doing some extra work outside the 3 days, evenings, weekend morning etc) and so I never get any time off at all. When ds is 2 we are thinking of a childminder (although I don't think he's going to like it much) but I don't know how I'm going to get through the next 4 months. I feel constantly exhausted and yet people seem to think I've got the ideal situation. Is anyone else trying to do the same thing and is it wonderful for you?

I'm not doing the same thing, but I do wonder why you're doggedly persisting with something that isn't working for any of you.

Financially you say it's disastrous, as your DH isn't able to have a proper career,and ends up doing bits and pieces, while you are also part time and resentful of having to do stuff to 'make up' for the lack of social stuff when your DH does the childcare.

The fundamental problem seems to be that you decided you didn't want to put your child in childcare at one year old, and you have already decided he 'won't much like' going to a CM. Why on earth have you made those judgements when you've never tried it?

Being totally honest, two years old is not going to be the easiest age to settle him into childcare if he's never been looked after by anyone other than you and your DH, but he will settle, it just may take longer than if he was used to it from a younger age.

Everything about your post screams out that you have forced yourselves into a situation which you're not happy with, but seem to feel you'ought' to do. I would strongly advise finding a solution which leaves you all feeling fulfilled and contented.

We have done shared care ever since dd1 was born, 10 years now. It has worked very well for us, so I certainly don't think there's an intrinsic problem with this. DP did find it a bit harder than me to infiltrate the preschool social activiites but he found things that he enjoyed, and other fathers to do things with. Some mothers were a bit odd about it but others were fine. And the upsides for us have been huge, he has a great relationship with all 3 dc, and we do feel we've managed 50:50 parenting.

Also we always did use some paid childcare too, childminder or nursery, which took the pressure off.

but as Violethill says it maybe isn't working for you so maybe it does make sense to change it. I'm not quite sure why you feel you have to do all the childcare when you're not at work. for us that was shared too.

"I feel constantly exhausted and yet people seem to think I've got the ideal situation". Sounds familiar.
I work FT and my dh is at home with our daughter. It has worked out ok but there have been periods when it has been very difficult, mostly for reasons you point out. It has been difficult for us financially, better now as dh is working PT in the evenings when I am home from work. Dh is happier now as not so isolated/has some of his 'own' money.
I feel like I never have any time to myself as when I am home I am 'making up' not being there during the day/giving him a bit of space/catching up with housework.
But I accept that it's not forever and things are getting better for lots of reasons I won't bore you with. However, we chose to do it like this and overall it has worked - we always said we would change it if we needed to. Like violet says - it sounds like you need to review the situation and try and find a compromise you will all be happy with.

I know it might seem like I've done things the hard way but we did go into it really believing in it! I read up a lot on nurseries etc for really young children before going back to work and was really shocked at the research showing how poor an environment it is for the under-3s. There are a number of large studies now which indicate there can be long lasting negative effects - not for all children, true, but for a proportion. I felt that by choosing to send my son to nursery at the age of one I would be putting my personal fulfillment over his future. I also went to visit nurseries with the thought of putting ds in one and was horrified - the idea of him there made me cry. CM are different I know and we have actually used one for 2 afternoons a week but our son still (after 6 months) often screams when we leave and asks constantly where we are. She is now pregnant and giving up CM which is part of the problem. Also, this time is whilst dh is with him, not me, so I don't get any time off then!

I feel like I have to do all the childcare when I'm not working because my dh does more than me generally and so I always feel like I'm having to make it up to him so he has some space - space I have in a sense by going to work. Currently I work 1/2 day at the weekend as well as one evening as well as my job. I know that many SAHM do all week and then their DH don't feel that they have to be 'on duty' all the rest of the time, maybe I've just been conditioned to think that I do! Certainly it seems to be more problematic this way round than if I was at home.

I know this has to change and in fact have just been to visit a potential CM but I had concerns about her. Maybe I'm too picky but I don't want my son in a substandard environment - he is such a happy little boy and I don't want to disrupt that.

One problem we did find with both of us doing childcare and needing little external childcare was that small chlidren take much longer to settle in childcare if they aren't going very much. For a while dd1 was going to nursery one day a week and not very settled there. The nursery had suggested we put her in for 2 days but we wanted to be off with her 2 days each.

Mostly mine were very happy with childcare, nursery and childminder, but I always noticed that they seemed happier in it the more they went, if they went 3 days they seemed muchhappier than 2. I suppose they are more in the swing of it, form stronger bonds there, etc.

Which is tricky if you don't want to send them much. As we didn't. But the fact that your ds doesnt' like going to childminder for 2 afternoons a week doesn't mean he won't be happy in childcare, it might mean he takes longer to get used to

I understand your concerns, nesomja. I am in a similar situation, my DS is 17 months and I am due back F/T next week and dreading it. He has been in nursery since he was 3 months old which was F/T, but reduced to 3 afternoons at 9 months as my work changed. He was fine as a baby, but now he is older and more able to express an opinion, he cries when he goes in, but I am told he settles down quickly. I too have researched this area - actually done it for a dissertation and I found the same results as yourself - harmful for some, but not all children. It is actyually more damaging the younger they are and the longer they are there, I think. I don't think this is always fully understood - when I express my concerns - everyone says how good it will be for him, but I often wander how many people have really looked at this area in detail? Nurseries are brilliant places and he gets a lot from it that I couldn't provide, I just am not certain that he should be there f/t.

My OH has offered to be a f/t carer for DS as he knows how I feel, but I can forsee the problems you are having. I sympathise with you and am sorry I can't be of more help, but just wanted to let you know I understand how you feel.

Hi there,
what I would say is to give it time. Your OH is no different from anyone going from a f/t career to f/t looking after children - it takes a lot of time to adjust. Maybe he could find playgroups to go to and meet other parents in his situation. I know it's hard because generally is mainly mums, but it is more common now for dads to be the main carers. If you have chosen this arrangement it means you are fundamentally happy with the principle, so maybe just give it a little while.

I would second that emy72. We have had periods where we discussed putting DD to nursery for a few days and always came back to the conclusion that a) we can't really afford it and b) it isn't what we what to do.
However, I will say that our GP (very nice and normal) and HV (also lovely) both maintain that it is more stressful (apparently this is backed up by scientific research although I haven't looked into it!) and difficult for the husband to be the main carer of the child, even though it shouldn't be that way - I guess it depends on the person.