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Has anyone had a child who never settled in childcare? What did you do?

7 replies

Biggleboggle · 12/03/2010 13:15

Hello! This is a slight continuation of another thread, so I feel like a total Mumsnet-botherer today, really sorry, but here goes anyway. My DD has been with a childminder and now nursery since she was nine months, she's now nearly two. I work FT but tend to pick her up by 5 at the latest, often a bit earlier, and often don't drop her until 9, so she's not doing five really long days.

Anyway, parting has always been hard, she has always got very upset. In terms of the rest of her day, we have had slightly better periods and worse periods (going through the latter now). During the less good, she is tearful throughout the day and now that she can talk, she is apparently constantly asking for mummy and daddy. During the better periods she is just, in the words of nursery staff, quiet.

I've had some really helpful advice on another thread about the goodbye being the difficult part and how to manage that, but I honestly don't know if that's all it is. On the other hand, once she's home, she's happy and on the whole I would say that she's secure and confident.

Part-time isn't an option at the moment, my job wouldn't allow it. Giving up work would be an option financially (only just) but would mean I would find it almost impossible to get back into this career, which I absolutely love and I've fought hard to get into.

The question I constantly ask myself is whether, given that DD is not and has never been entirely happy in childcare, should I make that sacrifice? It would feel like a big one .... no, actually, an absolutely massive one. But I guess I am currently putting myself before her and that's wrong. Isn't it? Is there anyone in a similar situation and what did you do/have you done?

OP posts:
Claireodon · 13/03/2010 08:59

Sorry can't say I've been in the same boat as you in terms of my dds never settling but they have both been to nursery and had periods when they have cried every day. I know it is heartbreaking and if your dd was younger maybe a career break might be worth considering. However, my experience has been that once my dds were over 2 they loved nursery and got such a lot of out of it. They really seemed to need the extra stimulation and company of other children. What about taking parental leave? If you feel that she needs you right now could you take a few months off without sacrificing your career?

Aleesmum · 21/03/2010 13:11

Hi,

I am having a similar problem with 1 yo DS. PLease could you tell me what goodbye advice you got. Think I could use that! Sorry, I can't help!

Missus84 · 21/03/2010 13:15

Would it be possible to take just a year out of work and send her back to nursery when she's three? I think they make a huge leap between 2 and 3 in terms of being happy to be away from parents, and really enjoying the social aspect of nursery.

MaisietheMorningsideCat · 21/03/2010 13:17

My DD didn't settle, despite our perseverance. I ended up taking a 2 year career break until she went to school, and although she went to state nursery for 2.5 hrs each day (which she took ages to settle at) it still wasn't as bad as the full days. I did p/t work in the evenings at a call centre to get some income.

She's 10 now, and is still a complete homebird. Her elder and younger brothers are much more outgoing than her, and both love/d nursery, but she's always taken ages to settle at anything - afterschool club, Brownies, Guides etc etc. We just try and go easy on her, and bolster her confidence as much as possible, but it's hard. That's why the whole "happy mum, happy child" thing is just utter nonsense imo.

jellybeans · 22/03/2010 12:39

Yes my DD was like this, never settled even in a fantastic nursery. I gave up to SAH, it was the right choice for us.

Builde · 24/03/2010 14:00

a nanny who comes to the house?

(not as excruiatingly expensive as the media suggests...)

nesomja · 25/03/2010 12:35

This is my fear! My son is currently with a childminder 2 afternoons a week and is only intermittently happy there - constantly asking for mummy and daddy etc. He's 20 months old now. The rest of the time me and my husband look after him - for this my husband has given up work for the last year. Now he wants to go back to work and we need more childcare but I'm terrified that he will simply hate it. I've worked very hard to get on in my career - 6 years of postgrad study and don't want to give it up but I feel terribly guilty that I am putting my wants before my son's needs. I don't know what to do about it.

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